once upon a time in the projects... pjs projects low-rent high-rise, y'all. Pjs oh, yeah. Projects livin' in the pjs holdin' down a cardboard condo homeboy in a homemade bungalow in the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya livin' in the pjs ohhhhh pjs captioning made possible by touchstone television and fox broadcasting juicy: Come on, jimmy! You can do it! Yeah, come on! You ain't the only one out there with 2 strikes! And here's the pitch. I got it! I got it! I got-- [Honk honk] Thurgood: Car! Uh, we'll score that a hit and run. Juicy, it's up to you. [Sighs] Yep. Go get 'em, juicy! I think a little 2-run homer might do about now. Everybody back! Big hitter comin' up! Yeah, that's right. You about to be beaten by the man who eats baby ruth for breakfast... the sultan of sweat... juicy hudson! [Players chanting] Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! Juicy, juicy-- papa hudson: Juuuuiii-cyyyyy! Strike one! Juicy hudson! Coming, dad. Juicy, you can't just run off. You got a man on base! I'm sorry, super. I gotta get home. Juicy hudson! Where have you been? I know. I know. I'm a little late. I'm sorry, papa. A little late? You call that a little late? 12 minutes without something to eat! Oh! I thought I was done for! There's not a thing in the fridge! Your mother even finished off the baking soda! Didn't you hear me beep you? Oh. I guess I turned it off. Turned it off? You know you're our lifeline. Remember the "team hudson" motto: Discipline and self-control. Now where are my moon pies?! Ok, ok! Mmm...mph... ooh, lord, that's good. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! [Thud thud thud] Mama hudson: Hey, hey, hey! There's somebody back here, too! I'll take care of you, mama. Well, hurry up, baby. Do you think I'm layin' back here on this bed for my health? Whew! Oh, god... I think I need a candy cigarette. Good job on the shopping, juicy. You look like you could use a break. Grab the entertainment section, and your mama and I'll pick out a suitable movie for you to go see. Oh, really?! ...And re-enact for us later. Oh...I was kinda hoping I could hang out with my friends today. Why don't you bring your friends around here? We never get to meet your little playmates. Don't you want them to meet your dad? Juicy, would you take one for the team and pull up my sweat pants? They're fallin' down. Uh! I must be losin' weight. Hey, juicy, you wanna go down to the police station? There's supposed to be some really good perp walks today. Might even be some celebrities. All right, cool! Only 2 more signatures, and I'll have all '86 mets! [Beeper goes off] Ohh... is that your dad? I guess you gotta go home, huh? Uh...no. This beeper's broken. Let's go then! Mmm... calvin, wait up! Oh! Juicy, where have you been? I paged you hours ago. Didn't you get my page? Oh...you paged me? Um...I guess the batteries are dead. Really? Well, I just put new ones in. Let me see it. Oh. Ok. I remember what happened. See, I was walkin', right? And I think my pager slipped and it fell in the street, right? And then this car came and it ran it over... over and over... and it broke it into a thousand pieces! But I'm ok. So the pager's destroyed, huh? Well, then I guess crack must be pixie dust, because smokey pulled this outta his magic dumpster! I left the creme broule in the oven. It needs another 20 minutes. If you need anything tonight, just call my service. I check in every hour. So, young man, you wanna tell me how your new pager ended up in a dumpster? Uh--ah--ah--- I just don't know what to do with you! What if we had an emergency and needed you right away? What if we were dying? How would you feel then? [Organ plays] Hee hee hee! No! No! No! Son, are you all right? No! I'm not all right! I'm sick and tired of having to always run errands for you, papa. I just wanna be like other kids! But other kids aren't lucky enough to have two loving parents who are home all the time. And besides, it won't always be like this. Soon you'll grow up and get married and have a life of your own. Really? Yep. And then there'll be two of you to take care of us! Oh... [Baseball game on tv] Sportscaster: Great day to be out here at the ballpark. Goody, if I got some all bran, would you eat it? I have a coupon. That all depends. You got a coupon in there for syrup, too? [Intercom buzzes] Muriel: Intercom. Oh...damn! It's sunday, muriel! Doesn't anybody go to church anymore? Who the hell is that? Papa hudson: Hi, super. Sorry to disturb you like this. Hey, no problem, hudson. Everything all right down there? Oh, yeah, fine, fine, fine, fine. Not too good. To tell you the truth, I'm a little worried about juicy. What the hell is wrong with you, you big, fat, stupid idiot?! Hey, there's no need for name-calling. No, no, no, no. I was talking to the tv, hudson. What's wrong with juicy? He's been acting kinda weird lately. I'm scared he might have fallen in with a bad element. Who, juicy? No, he's a good kid. Probably just goin' through a phase. Like when cassius clay became lew alcindor. Would you mind spending some time with him? You know, have some fun, keep an eye on him. Just the places I can't see, like the north, east, and south sides of the building. It's not that I wouldn't mind spending some time with juicy, but-- you wouldn't?! Oh, thank you so much! You're a prince! Yeah. I'm the sucker formerly known as prince. So, uh... muriel tells me you're in the fifth grade. What that make you? 10, right? Uh-huh. So what do you think those teachers make anyway? 10, 15 a year? I don't know, super. Can I go now? Now hold on a second, juicy. We supposed to do something fun. You know, some kid stuff. You know, like race pogo sticks or play some scaly or some hot peas in butter or some buck-buck. I can play some buck-buck. I'm a buck-bucking buck-bucker bucker. I like tomb raider. Oh, yeah, tomb raider. Used to do it when I was a kid. Got me 6 months in juvie. No, super. It's a video game. Oh, right. Right. What else do you do to spend your free time? Greasing my father's thighs. Oh, sweet jesus! Please tell me that's a video game! No, it's not. And neither is paying his bills, monitoring his ekg, or having to do a whole load of laundry just for one pair of underpants. He never lets me have any fun. Yeah, I know it's tough when your daddy lets you down. You know, my daddy once promised me we'd build a tree house, but we never did. Build a tree house? We could do that? Hey, if you can track down my daddy and get him to do it, more power to you. No, I mean me and you. We could build a tree house together! Hey, you're right! And this'll be better than when I was a kid, 'cause my daddy won't be around to sell my bike for beer money. Ok, juicy. We'll start first thing in the morning. All right! Thanks, super! See you bright and early! Hey, and bring your bike! Ah! Morning, dad! Juicy, what are you doing up so early? I got a big day today. But don't worry. I already been to the store, and I got all your meals ready. See? [Chuckles] That's how we do things on team hudson! Now come here and give daddy a hug. Not now, dad. I gotta go! O-ok. Well... bye. [Door closes] Look at that tree, juicy. A tree. One of god's most perfect creations. [Inhales] Ahh. Ok. Now we gonna have to strip away those leaves and cut those branches and put some rat poison up there to kill them damn songbirds. Where are we gonna find wood? A construction site? Oh, yeah, right. New construction in the projects. We'll look right between the starbucks and the disney store. No, juicy. We gonna have to go directly to the source. This is a house that jack built, y'all remember this house hee this was the land that he picked by hand it was the dream of an upright man there was a room that was filled with love it was a home that he was proud of this is the life, the life that he planned all the love, the same old love in the house that jack built the house that jack built remember this house there was the fence that held our love and the gate that he walked out of... [Giggling] That p-porky pig! He's fu-fu-- hilarious! Ok, I'm done! See you later! Wait, son. Where you goin' in such a hurry? I was hoping we could do something together. I wanna go play outside. Now you know I can't do that. But maybe there's something inside we could do... like making our saturday morning sundaes! We could watch tv! Tv with sundaes. Come on. What do you say? With marshmallows? That's my boy! Now come over here and sit on my laps. [Chuckling] Hey, I got something in the vcr I think you're gonna like. Watch this. Hey! Whoa! Mama hudson: I think it's time! Hudson! Why didn't you get her to the hospital sooner? Papa hudson: It's not my fault. Mama didn't even know she was pregnant until this morning. Now everyone just calm down. I've birthed hundreds of babies. Oh, my god! Mama hudson: What? Ok, I got it! I got it! Ok, don't worry! I'm here for as long as it takes. Now, on the count of 3, I want you to push as hard as you can. You understand? All right. Very hard. Ready? 1-- oh, oh , lord, jesus, lord! It's a boy! All: Aw... oh... he's beautiful! It's a new life, with new hope. Welcome to the housing projects, little one. Papa hudson: My son! I want to hold him! Super, take the camera! Hoo hoo! My boy. My beautiful boy. I love you, son. Behold! The only one greater than yourself! [Grunts] Whoo, I'm tired! Someone take this baby. I gotta sit down. Oh, that was a workout. How does that make you feel, son? Queasy. I think I'll skip the sundae. Well, see ya, dad! [Door closes] Hi, super. Hey, hudson. How's it going? Oh, fine, fine... nice weather we're havin', huh? Uh, so, uh... juicy can't seem to get enough of you. Oh, well, I'm very flattered. You know, you got yourself a fine boy there, hudson. You should be proud of him. Oh, I am! I am. He's a wonderful child. You guys must be having so much fun... I bet he never even talks about me, huh? Does he? Ever? What's that? Talk about me. U-uh, oh, uh... oh, yeah, sure he does! All the time! I can't get the boy to shut up about ya. It's always mr. Hudson this, mr. Hudson that-- he calls me mr. Hudson? Uh, yeah. That's how respectfule is. But he never wants to do anything with me anymore! Well, uh, that's strange, because, uh... because, uh... just yesterday, he was sayin' how he can't wait to invite you to spend the first night in the tree house with us tonight. You two built a tree house? You mean like those keebler elves got? Juicy never told me about no tree house. Uh, um, that's because... he was... gonna surprise you! Yeah. Surprise!! So you wanna come to the tree house warming or what? Thurgood, look at me. How am I ever gonna get up there? Well, you leave that to me, papa hudson. If they can fake putting a man on the moon, I can put your ass up in the tree house. [Owl hoots] Ah. So here we are, juicy. Your first night in your very own tree house. This is the best tree house ever! Yeah, and to make it even more special, I got a surprise for you. I invited your daddy! Ha ha ha ha! That's funny, super. You know my daddy can't get outta the house. Ha ha ha. Right. Yeah, that's why we have this. Look. Using this baby monitor and a complex array of 2 mirrors, we will be able to both see and hear your daddy and vice versa. Isn't that nice? It'll be just like he was up here with us. Oh, but I don't want him with us! This is my tree house! The whole reason I wanted it was to get away from him. I'm through with team hudson! Please, super. Don't even turn that thing on! [Static] Papa hudson: Yeah, super. Don't bother. Juicy, you can't live in a tree house. You don't have heat, electricity, or running water. Now move back into the projects, and you'll at least get 1 of the 3. I've got everything I need. I got food. I got my clothes. I got a roof over my head. I ev got a great view. [Giggles] Look. There's a woman gettin' undressed. Where? Get out the way! Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah! Uh! Ut! Muriel! Shut them shades! Look, juicy, a boy shouldn't be away from his family. That's a father's job! Just go talk to your daddy... as a favor to me, ok? Well... ok. As a favor to you. Juicy hudson! I can't believe you disappeared for a whole day! If they made a belt in my size, I'd take it off right now! No. You'd make me take it off for you! Don't you get fresh with me, b! Look, arguing isn't gettin' us anywhere. The problem is-- stop it, juicy! The problem is-- can I talk?! The problem is you're not stoppin' to consider the other person's viewpoint. Now maybe we should try a little exercise. No! No! No, not that kinda exercise! I mean do a little role reversal. You know, you pretend to be each other. Ok. I'll go first. Hi! I'm juicy's daddy! I have a great life because juicy does everything for me! I might even make him do both sides of this role reversal! [Snickers] Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm juicy. Sure, my dad's struggling with some problems, but I'm a little ingrate who doesn't care about the man who gave me life! Ha ha ha ah ha! Whoo! It's not supposed to be funny! I care more about eating than spending time with my son. That's why I've never gone to see him in a baseball game or a school play! I'm juicy hudson, and my father better shut his fat trap before he gets the beatin' of his life! Hey, wait. I'm gettin' lost here. You know what? I'm gettin' lost, too. I'm outta here. Juicy! Juicy!! Juicy hudson! Where do you think you're going, young man? Get back here! As long as I'm stuck under this roof, you will obey me! Juicy! Juicy!! Well, I think we really made some progress here today. [Sobbing] Oh, god, hudson! You all right? I lost my son. What am I gonna do? Hudson, listen. If you want your son, you gonna have to show him that you can take care of yourself and that you don't need him so much and that you're self-sufficient. You're right! Will you help me? Sorry, hudson. The landlord helps those who help themselves. Then I'll do it myself. I'm getting outta here. I'm gettin' out now! Come on, hudson. You can do it! Come on, hudson! Come on! I can'T. What am I gonna do? You can start bein' a man, damn it! Hell, you could be 5 men! But you'd rather sit around the house, cryin' like a 1,200-pound baby! Now, listen, hudson, I want you-- [Sobbing] Listen to me! Listen to me! I want you to marshal all your dignity and waddle out that door! I'll do it! Hmph! You made it, hudson! You made it! Hudson-- where'd you go?! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Oof--ee--ah--ooh-- aah! Hudson! Papa was a rollin' stone yeah... what's wrong? Why isn't he coming out? He's wedged against those water pipes! [Crack] Uh-oh. The water broke. He's turnin' blue! Oh, my! The cord's around his neck! Quick, somebody cut it! This door is 84 centimeters, hudson! It's gonna be tight! So bear down! Papa, push! Come on, you can do it! Push! I'M...trying! He's crowning! [Arf arf arf] [Creaking sound] [Dog squeals] Ohh... ooh...hoo. Ooh! You did it, hudson! You outside, hudson! You outside! [Slap] Where's my boy? Dad! How did you get all the way up here? There's no place too high for me to climb to get to you, son. Oh...you mean... you came out for me? Juicy, I promise... things'll be different. From now on, I'm gonna take care of myself, and you... and all of us! Really? Really. Oh! Aah! Right now, I'm gonna go to the store and do the shopping! Er... you don't have any idea where it is, do you? Well, y-you know, I--I--eh--no. Not the faintest. I'll go with you. Hee hee! [Ding] It's sure nice of you to come down here and play catch with me, dad. We're a team, aren't we? Sorry I couldn't find the other glove. That's ok. This is fun! Good pitch, juicy! That's a strike! [Wheezes] Watch the low and inside, would you?