-- T h e P J s -- Title: U Go, Kart Season 1, episode 11 Aired: Tuesday, May 4, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Juicy and Calvin build a go-kart with Thurgood's help ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ [Buzz] Thurgood: Slow. Quiet dead quiet. Quiet. Good. [Humming quietly] [Coins hit floor] Muriel: Ohh...oh. Thurgood: Whoo. [Coins hitting floor] Thurgood: Ut. Muriel: What? It's 5:00 in the morning. Oh, no, not-- Thurgood: Yup, junk day. The day that new truckloads come to the junkyard. I gotta go get down there early before the homeless take everything. Those people are greedy! Muriel: Thurgood, try not to go crazy today. We have enough junk already. Thurgood: If I had that attitude, I never would've found your 20th-anniversy gift. Calvin: Come on, Supe! Let's go! Thurgood: Hey, it's my little junkies. Y'all ready to go score some junk? Calvin: Yup, I got the rat bat. Juicy: And I got the snakrake. Thurgood: All right, then a-dumpin we will go. Juicy: Hey, look what I found. Is this good? Thurgood: Juicy, I said junk, not crap. Hey Calvin, put those books down. If somebody threw them out, they're not worth reading. Juicy: Hey, look, I'm a ninja. Thurgood: Juicy, put those down before you get lockjaw. On second thought, knock yourself out. Calvin: Hey, Juicy. Look at this. Wouldn't it make a cool go-kart? Juicy: Uh-uh, I don't sit where I eat. Thurgood: Now you boys know better than to play in that abandoned refrigerator. It's dangerous. Play in this abanded water heater. Yeah, now this is a go-kart here. Just line it with asbestos, strap on some aerosol cans on the back, light 'em up, you got yourself a batmobile. Thurgood: Boy, she's a beaut, ain't she? Driver's side trasbag, rope and pinion steering... Juicy: And really cool stickers. Hey, Super, what we gonna name her? Calvin: I know. How about Lebaron? Juicy: Or Tercel Thurgood: No, no, no, you don't go giving cars people names. Gotta give it a name that says class... that says something about... about you. Thurgood: Ok, now, before you kids can ride in this, we gotta make sure it'ssafe for people. Ok, Smokey, you up. Smokey: Ha ha. I'm a crack-test dummy. Thurgood: That's crash-test dummy, dummy. Smokey: Oh. Oh, ok, but let's hurry before my right stuff wear off. Thurgood: All right. Are you ready, Smokey? Smokey: Ready. Thurgood: Uhh...hyah! [Crashing sounds] Smokey: Uh, are we gonna do this or what? Mrs. Avery: My, she's yar. Sanchez: She's magnifico, Thurgood. Bebe: Yeah, she's beautiful. Maybe you could make something out of a hot water heater for us. Thurgood: Sure, what would you like? Bebe: A hot water heater. Thurgood: Ohh. Juicy: Super, can we take it out now? Huh? Can we? Calvin: Yeah, I want to ride it while it still has that new kart smell. Thurgood: Ok, but remember, if you take care of that go-kart, it'll last you a long time. You see this chain? Once, it was an instrument of oppression to keep our people down, but we can use it to keep those same people from stealing your go-kart. Juicy: Here's my license and registration, sir. Calvin: Get out of the car! Thurgood: Calvin! What are you boys doing? Calvin: Playing LAPD, Super. You want to play? Juicy: Yeah, you can tape him violating my constitutional rights. Thurgood: Ha, no, no, you boys have fun. But remember, it's getng near dinner. Don't forget lock her up. Calvin: We won't! Juicy: We won't! Juicy: Uhh! Uh, uh, uhh! Thurgood: Heh heh heh. Kids. Thurgood: Why aren't you using the new junkyard microwave I brought you? Muriel: Thurgood, it doesn't he a door. Thurgood: Well, that don't stop you from using the bathroom. Thurgood: Look at-- I can't believe those boys. Now, how many times did I tell them to lock up their go-kart? I'll teach them to take care of what they got. Thurgood: How can the boys leave a beautiful vehicle like this unprotected? You know I think this go-kart needs to be stolen by someone. And like most crimes, I fit the description. Thurgood: Uhh. Hey, this is kind of fun. [Tires squealing] Thurgood: Aaaahhh! Whoo! That was great! Man, that was sweet. All right, that's enough. I gotta go to work. [Power saw] [Hammering] Thurgood: All right, here we go. Better put on my goggles. [Grunting] Got 'em. Aahhhhh! Thurgood: Ut! Nut! Thurgood: I better lose some ballast. Oh, that's not good. Better pull the emergency brake. [Squealing] Thurgood: Aah! Thurgood: Hey, there's a naked lady in 3-B. 3-B? That's Mrs. Avery. Aaaaahhh! I'm gonna vomit! Aaaahhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Thurgood: What makes me do these stupid things? Look at the boys' go-kart. I'm lucky to be alive. Look at the boys' go-kart. I wish I was dead. Thurgood: Well, it was an accident. I'm sure God will forgive me for destroying it. I just hope He can forgive me for burying the evidence. ================================================================================ Thurgood: There, the perfect crime... and not one speck of evidence to connect me to it. Thurgood: Ut! Thurgood: [Groaning] Who would've thought that burying a 50-foot ramp would take all night? Ooh. Now, if I can just stay cool and calm and collected, I'll be on easy street. Calvin: Super! Super! They stole it! They stole my go-kart! What's the matter, Super? Thurgood: I'm, uh...uh, ah... just--just sickened by the thought of somebody taking a little boy's go-kart. Calvin: Me, too, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this! Tenants' meeting in 5 minutes. Thurgood: Whoa! Tenant-- hey, wait! Whoa, whoa whoa! What are you doing? What are you doing?! Calvin: Someone must've seen something. Thurgood: You don't really think so, do you? Well, I mean, this is the projects. No one ever sees anytng. Ha ha. Calvin: Well, I'm gonna find out for myself. Tenants' meeting! Mrs. Avery: First it's stolen go-karts. What's next, some brute breaking in and trying to have his way with me? I can see it now. Sure... I try to resist at first, but nothing can stop his filthy love. Next thing I know, I'm cookin his breakfast, and I'm too young to settle down. Calvin: With all due respect, Mrs. Avery... no blah, blah, blah! Now, a crime's been committed. The crime of grand theft go-kart. I think Super-- Thurgood: What?! What?! What?! Calvin: I think Super should head up the investigation. Thurgood: Oh, well, yeah, of course. Why, it would be an honor... and I won't rest until every lead is completely exhausted. Sanchez, did you see anything last night? Sanchez: No. Thurgood: Well, that's that. The case is closed. [Murmuring] [Scraping] Walter: I'll get your kart for ya. [Coughing] Oh, excuse me. I had a triscuit in my craw. Calvin: You all know Mr. Burkett. I asked him to come help us with the invesgation. Walter: As a parole officer who eats, drinks, and at every opportunity sleeps with crime, I'll help you any way I can. You got any leads? Calvin: Well, I've done a profile on our thief. I'm pretty sure the perp is black-- Mrs. Avery: I knew it! Calvin: And between the ages of 9 and 90. Mrs. Avery: Whoo! That clears me. Walter: All right, this crime scene is hot. Nobody touch anything. These are all clues. Aha! It appears our suspect left smashed-up 40 bottle. Thurgood: Oh, come on, now. That's ridic-- Calvin: Isn't that your brand, Mr. Nchez? Sanchez: Uhhh... Thurgood: Yeah, Sanchez, answer him. Mrs. Avery: I might have known. Let's stone him. Sanchez: Hey. Walter: Now, now, Mrs. Avery. We're not the police. We have to give him due process. Go on, exlain yourself, kartnapper. Sanchez: Ok, so I drink it. Jimmy drinks it, too. Jimmy: Oww! Thurgood: Will someone please take them rocks from Mrs. Avery? [Screeching] Smokey: No, no, Babs. Let me do the talking. Calvin: Smokey did you see anything suspicious last night? Smokey: No, uh, but I did hear something... a rattling noise. Now, at first I thought it was Deshawn's tubercular death rattle, but I looked over and he was the picture of health. Thurgood: This is crazy! Why are we listening to him? Smokey: I know what I heard! And, uh, me and my team of investigators are gonna get to the bottom of this. Uh, just call me Barnaby Jonesin'. Come on, T.J., Uh, hooker. Calvin: I think we should do what the police do, conduct a door-to-door search. Walter: Good idea. We'll find the guilty party even if we have to plant the evidence ourselves. Calvin: But I want to find the real guilty party. Walter: Do you want to follow police procedure or not? Haiti Lady: Last night about, uh, 8:15, I heard an ungodly howl, like the hounds of Hell. Then I heard something that frighted me. Calvin: Can you describe it? Haiti Lady: Well...uh... Thurgood: Oww! Haiti Lady: That's it! That's the sound. Thurgood: Ha ha ha. Ouchy-wouchy. Mrs. Avery: Well, I heard the crash of some garbage cans, so I looked out my window and saw this fat, ugly excuse for a-- Thurgood: I was there on official business. Uh, a possum had gotten into the garbage, and I had to pick it all up. Walter: And what time was that, Mrs. Avery? Mrs. Avery: I had just finished my 5:00 bowel movement, so I'd say it was between 8:10 and 8:15. I'm very regular. I pride myself on that. Walter: Mrs. Avery, you are a sweet-talker. Calvin: So, Thurgood, you were out there at 8:15. That's about the same time Haiti Lady heard that howl. You know what that means? It means you-- Thurgood: No! Calvin: Just missed the perp. Thurgood: Yes! Calvin: Are you sure you didn't see anything, Super? Because it seems kind of weird that-- Thurgood: Uh...who wants some ice cream? Ah, let's get some ice cream. Calvin: Let's look at the evidence. I know this is telling me something... Thurgood: No, you're crazy! This isn't saying who did it! What the? [Whistling nonchalantly] Thurgood: All right, trap's closing, Thurgood. There's only 2 things you can do: Confess the truth or pin the blame on somebody else. This is the hardest decision I ever had to make. Who should I pin the blame on? I need to find the perfect scapegoat. Now, who's the most believable? Calvin?: The Canadians? Why would the Canadians want to steal my go-kart? Thurgood: What are you so surprised about? Don't you remember the Alamo? Calvin: I don't know... Thurgood: Look, I was just as shocked as you, but it's all spelled out here in this incriminating note I found right here in the courtyard... earlier. And--and I forgot to tell you. Calvin: "Thief's to-do list. One--sneak into le projects. Two--steal Calvin's go-kart. Three--return to Canadia? Four--buy eggs for Muriel--" Thurgood: Uh, uhh, ahh...uh... must be me kind of code... or not. Calvin: Well, either way, it's obviously an outside job. Walter: That's exactly what someone would like you to think... and that someone is-- Thurgood: Uhh...now, Walter, before you say anything-- Walter: Juicy Hudson! Juicy: Huh? Me? I didn't do anything. Walter: Then how do you explain that the note was written on your stationery? Juicy: But I didn't-- Thurgood: Yeah, he didn't-- Calvin: Is this true, Juicy? Is that your stationery? Juicy: Uh, well, I--I was uh, I...oh. Calvin: But you're my best friend. We're like brothers. We've seen each other's dinks! Juicy: Uhh. Thurgood: I am such a horse's dink. ================================================================================ Calvin: I can't believe him. So guilty he can't even look me in the eye. Juicy: Hi, Calvin. Calvin: How can he look at me?! Walter: All right, Calvin, we'll take it from here. Ok, Thurgood, it's up to us to sweat a confession out of the boy. Now, there's a sensitive spot on the human throat that we refer to as the truth center. And when pressure is applied-- Thurgood: Walter! Walter: Ok, ok. Then I'm left with only one choice. I didn't want to do this, but... Juicy: Ohh, ooh, what are you going to do with that? Walter: I'm gonna eat it until you confess. Juicy: But--but I told you, I didn't steal the go-kart, and I don't know anything about that note. Walter: Mmm...mmm...mmm! Juicy: You monster! Thurgood: Stop it, Walter! That's enough! Walter: Mmm, peanutty good. You know, I can keep this up all night it's movie size. Juicy: Ok, ok, did it! It's my fault. Thurgood: No, it's not Juicy: I took the go-kart for a spin after dinner, and I forgot to lock it up. But I didn't steal it, I swear. Ohh. Thurgood: Oh, Juicy, no. Walter: And this little piggy goes to juvey! Don't you, little piggy? Juicy: [Giggles] [Crying] Thurgood: See what I did this time, Calvin? The steering wheel pops off, so we don't have to cut Juicy out again. Calvin: That's great. Except Juicy ain't settin' his fat foot in this go-kart. Let him use the one he stole. Thurgood: Now, Calvin, he never said that he stole it. Calvin: Well, if he lied about taking it in the first place, how do we know he's not lying now? Thurgood: Calvin, lying's not always that bad. Like...like when the time my mom told me my uncle who raised me was really my father. She was just trying to spare my feelings. Calvin: If only Juicy had told me the truth, I might be able to forgive him. How can someone work side by side with you, look you right in the face, and just lie? Thurgood: I have no idea. Look, I know you're mad at Juicy now, but you two got all the time in the world to patch things up. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood! You're just in time to say good-bye to Juicy forever. Thurgood: What? Muriel: He's going off to military school. They're gonna shave his head, call him maggot, and make him do push-ups in the mud. Thurgood: Why does everything happen to me? Juicy: Hi, Calvin. I guess you heard I'm gonna be a maggot. My dad's sending me away to build character and be a model of dicipline like him. Hudson: Juicy, your mother made you 2 dozen cookies to take with you. Um, uh, a dozen cookies. Mm! Oh, lord! We'll send you some. Juicy: So, anyway, I'm sorry about what happened. I want to give you something... my sign. They're afraid I might hang myself with it. Thurgood: I gotta come clean. Uh, folks, evrybody, I got something to say. Bebe: Everybody quiet down. Thurgood's gonna say something stupid, and I want to hear it. Thurgood: Yeah, thanks a lot, Bebe. Sit your ass down. All right, now listen up. It's about the go-kart. A go-kart, I remind you, that I built for 2 underprivileged boys-- giving selfishly of my time, as I am wont to do from time to time. For I believe that the children are our future-- Smokey: Don't say another word! I and my crack team-- of investigators have at long last solved the case of the Bogarted go-kart. [All gasp] Thurgood: Smokey, I was just gonna-- Smokey: Please! I-- I'll only be semi-lucid for a short period of time. It was two nights ago. I was closing up shop... Smokey: Excuse me, we closed. Smokey: That was when I heard the mysterious rattle. Calvin: What was it, my go-kart? Tell me! Smokey: Maybe you should ask... them! [All gasp] Jimmy: Ok, ok. Bebe and I went out walking. We saw the go-kart... we couldn't resist. Bebe: We were just trying some place different. You know, to spice it up. Jimmy: Ok, so we loosened a couple of nuts... but we didn't take the go-kart. It was still there when we left. [Murmurs and gasps] Thurgood: Bebe, how could you do that? Bebe: I'm double-jointed. Calvin: But that doesn't explain why the go-kart is missing. Smokey: Well, maybe Haiti Lady can! Haiti Lady: Ahh! Ahh! Uh...I'm going to Starbucks. Iced chai latte, anyone? Smokey: Not so fast, Haiti Lady. If that is your real name. Haity Lady: Of course that's not my real name. I tell you people every day. It's Garcelle. Smokey: Aha! I see you changed your name. Care to change your story? Haiti Lady: Ok, ok, I took the go-kart, but only to Hell and back. Calvin: So the rattling was the bones of the eternally damnned? Smokey: Possibly. What do you think, Mrs. Avery? Mrs. Avery: [Mumbling] Idontknowmmm. Smokey: Of course you can't talk. Because you're Mrs. Avery, old lady, denture wearer. Mrs. Avery: [Mumbling] I don't wear dentures. Don't know what you're talking about. Smokey: What? Mrs. Avery: All right, you got me. But I ain't going down alone, I'm taking others with me... and there were plenty of others. Sanchez: Wahoo! Walter & Tarnell: Wahoo!Wahoo! Mrs. Avery: Wahoo! Calvin: Mr. Burkett! How could you? You were in charge of the investigation! Walter: I know, and I'm happy to announce we're this close to cracking it. Calvin: But you did it! Walter: Now, now. We all put the go-kart right back where we found it. Nobody got hurt. Thurgood: You people should be ashamed. Smokey: Wait. There is another. Thurgood: Yes, there is. Muriel: Yes, there is. Thurgood: Muriel?! Muriel: It was such a lovely night for a drive, I just took it for an itsy little spin. [Tires squealing] Muriel: Whoo! Muriel: All right, I may have snapped the macpherson struts, but the differential was shot when found it. Thurgood: Ut tu, Muriel? Ut tu? Thurgood: I can't believe you people. Your selfishnessas cost everyone a go-kart, your recklessness almost cost me my life going over a 50-foot jump, and your carelessness destroyed the friendship of 2 boys. Calvin: 50-foot jump? What 50 foot jump? Thurgood: Ut! Heh heh heh heh. Looks like we all took it. Isn't that something? Thurgood: Unh! Hey, I thought we took all your stones away from you, Mrs. Avery. Mrs. Avery: I can pass 'em aquick as you can take 'em. Calvin: I can't believe it was you, Super. Thurgood: I know, I know, and I'm sorry, Calvin. You, too, Juicy. I lied, and that was wrong. But there's one thing you gotta understand. I didn't think I was gonna get caught. You all hear me, right? All: Yeah, and we didn't think we'd get caught either. Thurgood: You boys'll understand when you get older. It's something that comes with maturity. Jimmy: True dat. True dat. Hey, who wants to ride in the new go-kart? Thurgood: I got shotgun! Mr.s Avery: No... I got shotgun. [Excited chatter] Calvin: Juicy, I'm sorry I accused you of stealing the go-kart. Can you ever forgive me? Juicy: I already have. I'm just glad I don't have to be a maggot. Calvin: Man, grownups. Promise me we'll never get old. Juicy: Well, the statistics are in our favor. ================================================================================ ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================