Once upon a time in the projects... pjs projects low-rent high-rise, y'all. Pjs oh, yeah. Projects livin' in the pjs holdin' down a cardboard condo homeboy in a homemade bungalow in the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya livin' in the pjs ohhhhh pjs [Police siren wails] Thurgood: Tenants' meet--meet ting--ting tenants' meeting [Hums gong show theme] Tenants' meeting tenants' mee--eet--ting tenants' mee--ee--ting thurgood, I've never seen you this excited for a tenants' meeting. Well, muriel, I realize I've been wrong. There's no need to shout at tenants when they ask me to do my job. That's right. Not when I can silence them with the latest in japanese technology. [Gong] Thurgood, that's not a very polite way to-- [Gong] See? It works. [Gong, gong] [Gong, gong] How dare you call us uncivilized! Eat my shitake mushrooms! D'eh! Ut! Hey, this ain't the way it was supposed to work. Huh! Hey, help me out here, muriel! And use violence. That's the only thing these people understand. Ok, people. Obviously we've reached an impasse. Muriel's right. Now, is there any new business? We have some new business. Our school is trying to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated. I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library? They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down. What? They closed the library? Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Something ought to be done. I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothing scarier to the man than a brother with a book. That's deep. Where you hear that? Rerun said it on what's happening. Hmm, mm--mm. Stop, muriel! What are you doing? What the-- you can't donate this. This is my first edition of star wars. It's even signed by chewbacca. See, right here it says: [Imitates chewbacca howl] That's authentic. Well, let's just see what you donated. Oh, thurgood, this is your family bible. You can't donate your family bible. Oh, muriel, look. Sure it's the greatest story ever told, but how many times can you hear it, really? Oh, look. There's a family tree in here. Really? I haven't seen a tree in years. Let's climb. Muriel: See, here's your daddy earl stubbs. And he married willa mae stark. That's your mama. And here are your daddy's parents dooley and cora, and their parents, and their parents, and their-- [Gasps] Oh, my sweet lord! What? What is it? Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous. Oh, my god. Oh, my goodness. Really? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? No. Let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Um... famous amos! Let me give you a hint. It's someone who lived in the 18th century. Look, is it or is it not famous amos? No, it's not. Ok. Well, you didn't say that. It's thomas jefferson! Oh! Thomas jefferson? The guy who own the high school? Thomas jefferson, the man who wrote the declaration of independence. You see, thomas jefferson had a slave. Her name was sally hemings, but they called her dusky sally. And she and thomas jefferson had a child together, and you're a descendant of that child! Thomas jefferson? That mean I got white blood in me. I have mixed feelings about that. Thomas jefferson's not just any white man. He's one of the founding fathers. Hmm. One of the founding fathers, huh? Let me see this thing. Eh, you know, I'm surprised I didn't make the connection sooner between me and jefferson. Look at all these similarities, muriel: Jefferson made the louisiana purchase. I just purchased some louisiana. Jefferson lived in monticello. I used to drive a monte carlo. Jefferson's on a $2.00 bill. You have $2.00 in your savings account. Now you got it, muriel. Call a tenants' meeting. It's time to tell these people that their super is a proud descendant of thomas jefferson and dirty sally. Dusky. Whatever her name is. Go tell the people to come on down. We gonna have a meeting. [Murmuring] Thurgood: Ok, muriel. Now! Argh! Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! Attend ye to this declaration of superintendence. [Grumbling] Uh, quiet down, please. When in the course of tossing out books, I found the following truths about myself to be evident. And I have aspartamed that all men have been created equal. Except for those who are more equal, because we are related to thomas alva jefferson. Muriel, what's that fool talking about? Thurgood's related to thomajefferson. What? You heard her. Thomas jefferson was my great, great, great grandmama's baby's daddy. Let me get this straight. You say you related to the author of the declaration of independence? That is correct. Well, when in the course of human events are you gonna fix my toilet? Mrs. Avery, when my ancestor thomas alva jefferson had a clogged chamber pot, he probably asked one of his slaves to address it.  Shameful, shameful dark times. But we've come a long way since then! Amen! We don't enslave others to do our work for us. We do it ourselves... proudly! Hallelujah! Now let us rise up and march together to make your toilet free! Praise the lord! All right! Juicy: Hallelujah! Now, I may not get there with you, but I want you to know that as a people, we will get there! Calvin: Testify! Jimmy: Lord have mercy! Muriel, did you see how I handled those tenants just now? God, I was brilliant. It was almost as if there was some kind of thinking device in my head telling me what to say. Yes. It was very impressive. You were really inspiring. Yeah. I know. I ran out of tussy. You know, muriel, for years I've been a superintendent, and that satisfied the slave half of me. Shame on me. Dark times, dark times. But now that I'm a jefferson, I feel my life needs more fulfillment, like I have a higher calling. Maybe you could run for office. Muriel, I can't run from officers. You saw what they did to rodneto not officers, thurgood. Elected office. What? Are you crazy? No, I mean it. You're a hard worker. You motivate people. You could even help the community get that library. Muriel, you know something? You're right. The community needs more than just a library. It needs a leader. It needs a jefferson! I'll run for office because I belong to the people, the people own me. Hey, wait. Does that make me a slave? Shameful dark times. Dark times. You're running for alderman? But, thurgood, you don't know nothing about politics. Need I remind you that I am the bastard spawn of thomas jefferson and his slave sonja henie. Sally hemings. Whatever. Look, I've already legally changed my name. Now who wants to join team jefferson? I wanna be your spin doctor. Spin doctor? What's that? I put a positive spin on things. Like if your critics say your budget's niggardly. Niggardly? You're fired! I'm sorry. Ok. You're back. Now, I'm gonna need an image consultant. Sanchez, that's you. The important thing is not to talk in a monotone. People really hate me-- I mean, that. Tarnell? S'up, supe? Ha ha. You got a speech for me? Coming up chappaquiddick. Um-hmm. Mm-hmm. "4 scores and 3 strikes ago," yadda, yadda yadda. "If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve." Very good. Thank you. Now, the most important job of all: Campaign manager. Who's left? Walter, can I count on you to press the flesh? Uh, let's save the hookers for the victory party. Now see, that's why you're campaign manager. All right, people. Most folks think we're gonna put on a half-assed campaign. I say, not good enough! I want a 3/4-ass effort from each and every one of you. And thurgood jefferson's gonna ride that extra 1/4 ass all the way to victory! Jimmy and sancanz: Jefferson! Jefferson! Yeah! Ride that ass! Hoo hoo hoo! [Mr. Big stuff by jean knight playing] Oh, yeah woo mr. Big stuff [Tires screech] [Car honks] [Crash] Who do you think you are? Mr. Big stuff you're never gonna get my love now, because you wear all those fancy clothes oh, yeah and have a big fine car oh, yes, you do, now do you think I can't afford to give you my love? Oh, yeah you think you're higher than every star above mr. Big stuff who do you think you are... ok. We already got the black republican vote. He was easy. Hey, what about the working man's vote? Uh, he was at work. We'll get him tonight. Wait. It's 6:30. Turn on the news! What is it? [Crowd on tv murmurs] Thurgood on tv: Roosevelt brought you the new deal. I bring you the new dilly-O. And I vow that this community will not succumb to drugs and violence on my watch. I got your watch right here. Will you give me that, you damn fool? Unh--eei. Unh-hurgh. And that's thurgood jefferson, continuing to wage his battle for the ninth ward alderman office, although polls show him with less than 3% of the vote. 3%?! How can I be so far behind? Don't the people know that I'm a jefferson? Relax, thurgood. Read my neck: It's not over till it's over. Keep your big neck shut. [Sobs] I can't win! The election's in a couple of days. I don't have no time. I don't have no money. And if I can't win on my name, all I got is my brains and my good looks. Oh, god, this can't end well! Huh? Man, my lifelong dream for the past 2 weeks to become alderman ruined. Gone! Man: Excuse us. Are you thurgood jefferson? Uh, maybe. Maybe not. Oof! [Tires squeal] [Classical music playing] Uh, listen, uh, guys. If this is about me not filing taxes for the past 5 years, I can explain. The man: Mr. Jefferson, we are not from the government. I represent a consortium that wants to help you win the election. Why me? Because we believe in the same things you do. [Gasps] You believe that O.J. Was innocent? Uh...yes. From now on, we will take care of your entire campaign. What are you gonna do? Let us worry about that. Just know we'll ensure your victory. Well, what's in it for me? You'll win the election. Hey, now you're talking. So, shall we seal our relationship with a drink? As long as you buying. Hmm? Hmm? This is gonna be gr-- thurgood! Where have you been?  I don't know. I can't seem to account for the last hour and a half. Thurgood, you've been gone 3 days! 3 days?! It's election night. Quiet, y'all. The results are in. Tv anchor: And now the returns for the ninth ward alderman race. In a stunning upset, thurgood jefferson has defeated incumbent henry J. Phillips. Yay! Yay! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Walter: Get up on there! Wow! Of course, I couldn't have done this without my first lady. Well, she wasn't actually my first lady. Ha ha ha. The love of my life... muriel rodham jefferson. Come on, muriel. Uh, my maiden name is warren. Muriel, please. We're selling camelot here. I guess the best way to thank you all for your support is to tell you what I plan to do as your alderman. I will build a new hospital to take care of our sick, a new school to take care of our young, and a new library to take care of our stupid. Remember, i work for you. The man: Correction, you work for me. Ok, everybody. Smile for the camera. Government... all: Cheese. Uh, ok, everybody, gather around. I'd like to show you all the reason why I brought you all down here. Behold!  Ooh. Ahh. Hey, that taxi's picking up a brother. Yes. This model represents the fulfillment of all the promises I made during my campaign. I call it projects 2000. See, here's the new hospital, and here's the new school. Is there a library? Of course there's a library. This is a utopian vision, isn't it? It's right here between the prisons. Wow, super. You the alder-man. No. You the alder-man. Well, let's go. I'm sure thurgood's got a lot of work to do. Tenants: Bye. See ya. Bye. Peace. Now, where to put my home, thurgi-cello. [Telephone rings] Hmm. [Hums] Alderman jefferson. The man: Jefferson. Hey, you! Hey, I've been meaning to call you. You got any more of that brandy? We talk, you listen. Okey-dokey, artichokey. Thurgood, it's time for your first official act as alderman. You will vote & sell all vacant buildings in your district to Y.T. Liquors. But then I won't be able to make all the improvements I planned on. Hey, look, I can't let the people down. Thurgood, look in your left-hand drawer. Do you see a stapler? Yes, I do. That's because you opened the right-hand drawer. Now open the left. Thurgood: Ut! Ut! Ut! Ut! Ut! Ut! Ut! The man: Clearly, we have you by the "uts". What do you think your wife would say if she saw your little photo spread? Oh, no. Please. Please. You mustn't show muriel these pictures. She'd be crushed. Well, then. Do we have our liquor stores? I don't know how I'm gonna convince the people to let me put up more liquor stores. You'll think of something. You're a jefferson. Hmm. [Sighs] 3 cheers for thurgood! All: Hip hop hooray! Hip hop hooray! Uh, hold your applause, people, please. Please. Please, hold your applause. Please, hold your applause. It's the least we could do for the man who's giving us a new hospital. Oh, yeah. About that. I've been giving that hospital thing a lot of thought lately. Let me ask you a question. What do you get from a hospital? Medicine. And what's the best medicine in the world? Laughter. And who are the happiest people in the world? Drunks. I say let's cut out the middle man, and open a liquor store. What about the new school? We still get our school, right? Now, what are the chances of our kids getting a good education? The odds are astronomical. With lotto, on the other hand, the odds are merely improbable. And where do you get your best lottery tickets? At a liquor store! Another liquor store? Great idea, mrs. Avery. We'll scrap the fire station and build another liquor store. Huh. We should've known he couldn't clean up our community. He couldn't even clean up our building! And to think I wanted to be your intern. Super, you're still gonna build a new library though, right? Boys, politics is very complicated. Let me see if I can put it in terms you can understand. The library is a lot like santa claus. It doesn't exist. Now, liquor stores, on the other hand, are like god. They're everywhere. But, super, you promised. Come on, juicy. Let's get out of here. Boys, wait. Let me explain. Unh-uh-uh. [Telephone rings] Hmm. [Hums] [Ring] [Ring] [Ring] [Ring] The man: Jefferson. Why haven't you filed the paperwork for our new liquor store? Uh, listen. Don't you think a library might be a better idea? Nobody wants another liquor store in the projects. If you build it, they will come. But listen, the property is right next to an elementary school. There's kids in there. Good. We can sell cigarettes, too. Have you people no shame? Tomorrow there's a vote on the library bond. We need you to vote against it. I'm not gonna do it! Go on, show those photos to my wife. I don't care. I gave those good people my word. Yes, you did. Your dying word. [Dial tone] [Gasps] [Gulps] My god, thurgood! You're not a jefferson. You're a clinton. Walter, I was set up. You think your friends can set me up? They're not my friends. They wanna kill me. So I come up with an idea that just might work. You guys are gonna have to kill me first. Kill you? Now I'll have no pretend friend. No. Not really kill me. Fake my assassination. If the consortium thinks I'm dead, they won't kill me. What do you say? Oh, I get it, a fake. Just like the C.I.A. Faked J.F.K., R.F.K., And M.L.K. They're all living on a secret island with notorious B.I.G. We don't need to discuss much. The answer's easy if you take it logically. I'm telling you, there's 50 ways to kill a brother. How about a colombian necktie? Sticky bomb? Or maybe electrocution. Ooh, I like that. Hey. I don't know if you guys get it. You're not actually killing me. You're faking it. All right? I know a guy who for 5 bucks will beat you into hamburger with a 2-by-4. Thanks. You guys are the greatest. [Crowd boos] Boy: Go home wit'cha! You suck! Yes, you are right. I do suck. Sometimes in politics you are forced to do things that are difficult. Like the decisions I faced recently. Now, I know this won't be popular with some people... but I didn't enter politics to be popular. I entered politics because i am popular! I'm thurgood jefferson, and I do what I please! And that's why I voted... to build your new library! Oh, thurgood! Crowd: Jefferson! Jefferson! Jefferson! Long live the library! It's show time! [Click, click, click] Uh-oh. [Groans]  Hey! Hey! Again I say, long live the library! [Crowd cheers] Uh, sorry, brother-in-law. For the last time, long live the library! Hunh. Ut! [Gunshot] Oh! Aargh! Aah! H! Muriel: Oh, god! Walter: Come on. Clear out! It's the police. Nothing to see here. Just a dead man. Come on, everybody. Move out the way. [Tires screech] [Siren wails] Ok. We're clear! That's a wrap, everybody. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey! Great work, everybody. Thurgood. Oh, my god. You're alive? Of course I'm alive, muriel. It was all a fake. A fake? Yeah. We had to kill thurgood jefferson, so thurgood stubbs could live. I couldn't tell you about it, muriel. It was for your own protection. Aren't you happy? Eh-eh-ah. I'll kill you! Huh. Ach! Eh! Oof! I--I l-l-love y-y-you, t-too, m-muriel.  Hey, walter, there's just one thing I don't understand. We all missed. Yeah. I made sure we had a back-up. I'll be in my trailer. Let me know when we shoot for keeps.