-- T h e P J s -- Title: The HJs Season: 2 Episode: 4 Aired: Tuesday, June 13, 2000 ================================================================================ Summary: ? ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Thurgood: Well, Jimmy, another beautiful day in the projects has come to an end. Jimmy: Yep. We'd better barricade the front door if we want to live to see another one. Thurgood: Last call, Hilton Jacobs residents! Come inside if you want to live through the night! Calvin: Hey! Wait for us! Thurgood: You kids know you have to be home by the time the street lights were supposed to have come on. Calvin: We got lost on the subway. Juicy: Yeah, and we ended up in this wonderful place... The suburbs. ? It was incredible! There was a park with trees and grass and swings and a jungle gym. ? Our park has a jungle Jim. ? But this jungle gym wasn't a crazy guy in fatigues muttering to himself about the tet offensive. That's not all. The people in the suburbs buy their drugs in stores! Thurgood: Now, don't you boys go making up stories to get out of trouble. Mrs. Avery: What the boys speak of is true. I, too, have been to this place. I've worked among its people. ? No kiddin'? What were they like? Mrs. Avery: Well, they get real testy when their housekeepers steal from 'em. Thurgood: Now look, boys. The suburbs may seem nice, but the projects are a great place to live, too. And we'll show you tomorrow, when it's safe to venture outside again. Thurgood: Boys, we begin our tour on the roof. It just takes one look to see the projects are full of opportunities. [2 gunshots] Jimmy: You hear that? Couple of jobs just opened up. Juicy: Hey, Super. Where does this door go? Thurgood: WHJS? Oh! This is the old projects radio station. See, boys, back in the day, people in the projects used to listen to this station all day long. It gave us a real sense of pride. ? Well, why'd they shut it down? Thurgood: Oh, they didn't shut it down. We trashed it during the riots. Calvin & Juicy: Wow. Sanchez: I used to work here. I did the emergency broadcasting system test. [IS EBS alert buzz] ? Hey, can we listen to this old album? Thurgood: Listen to it? We can't even say the name of it anymore. ? Well, why can't we? Thurgood: African American, please. ? Hey, what are these? Recorded voice: This is Eldridge Cleaver, and when my soul is not on ice, I listen to the cool sounds of WHJS. WHJS Hilton Jacobs Jimmy: Oh, listening to these tapes makes me wish we hadn't trashed the place. Thurgood: Yeah. That was one ill thought-out riot. Jimmy: I've got an idea. Why don't we get the radio station going again? Thurgood: Hey, Jimmy. That's a good idea. I'll be the head programmer in charge. ? Thurgood, what do you know about running a radio station? [Feedback] Thurgood: Look, if I can reset Juicy's dislocated shoulder, I can certainly run a radio station. Now, whoever's with me, raise your hand and say aye. All: Aye. Juicy: Ay-- oh! Ow. ? HUD's really gonna let us use the old radio station? ? Yep. It's part of their community reach-around program. They see it as a way to hand jobs to their fellow man. ? Can we do any show we want? Well, not any show. It's got to be entertaining enough to attract an audience. HUD says if we don't attract an audience, they'll take us off the air. ? So what should we do? Mrs. Avery: Well, back when I was in radio, people loved the comedy shows. Mrs. Avery: Mrs. Avery, you were in radio? Yup. For 3 weeks I played Andy's girlfriend on Amos and Andy. ? Amos and Andy! What were they like? Mrs. Avery: Well, they'd get real testy then the day players steal from 'em. Thurgood: Radio ain't like that no more. It's all about talk, the free exchange of ideas between intelligent and informed people, each with a right to his own opinion. ? I think talk radio is played. Thurgood: What the hell do you know, you ignorant bastard? Sanchez: WHJS is on the air! Walter: Welcome to stolen car talk. Today's topic: "How to get rid of that stolen car smell." Bebe: Welcome to black on black talk. A show by, for, and about the black experience. Here's your host, Jimmy Ho. Jimmy: Whassup? [Blues music plays] Muriel: Thurgood, I was just looking at the ratings. We have hardly any male listeners between 18 and 34. Thurgood: Muriel, it's the projects. We have hardly any males between 18 and 34, period. Muriel: Even so, if things don't get better, we're gonna lose this radio station. Thurgood: Don't worry, Muriel. My show is gonna turn this radio station around. [Easy listening music plays] Thurgood: Hello and welcome to Thurgood Stubbs' Journal, soon to be the number one show during morning drive-by time. The topic today is "our community." West tower, you're on the air. Mrs. Avery: You wanna help this community? Get those vagrants to stop peeing in the elevator! Smokey: Yeah, it's startin' to smell like a stairwell in there. Thurgood: Smokey, what are you doing here? Smokey: I was hoping you could tell me. Thurgood: Get out of here! Can't you see I'm on the air? Smokey: What a coincidence. I'm on the crack. Thurgood: You don't understand. I'm doing a radio program. Smokey: And I'm doin' a 12-step program. This is gettin' eerie. Thurgood: Say good-bye, you damn stupid crackhead! Smokey: Good-bye, you damn stupid crackhead. Thurgood: [Grumbling] Uh, we'll be right back. Don't go away. Thurgood: Go away! You ruined my show! Muriel: Goody! Goody! The phones are ringing off the hook! Thurgood: I'll fix them later. Can't you see I'm busy yelling at Smokey? Muriel: But people are calling up and saying they love the show. Everybody thought you and Smokey were a comedy team. Thurgood: A comedy team? But I wanted them to respect me. Muriel: Thurgood, don't you understand what this means? Thurgood: [Bewildered] Do I ever? Muriel: It means there is an audience out there and they want to hear you and Smokey together. It could save the radio station. Thurgood: Hmm. Smokey, you and I are going places. Smokey: Is it gonna be a long trip? 'Cause i'll need to stop at the stairwell before we leave. Thurgood: [Laughs] Oh, stop, stop, stop! I can't take it! Thurgood: Ok, Smokey. The people have spoken. What they want to hear on this radio station is comedy. So, I got this book on comedy by the great Steve Allen. Smokey: Who's that? Thurgood: Oh, come on. Everybody knows him. He's "the hep young comic who just made his swingin' debut on the Dumont Network." Smokey: Hmm. Ok. Thurgood: Now, it says that there's rules of comedy you gotta follow. First of all, the letter "K" is always funny, and things in 3s are always funny. Now, what's the funniest thing you can think of? Smokey: KKK? Thurgood: [Laughs] See? It always works! Now, pay attention. "Every good joke consists of a set-up followed by a punchline, which answers the set-up in an unexpected and amusing way." Any questions? Smokey: Just one. Who are you, and what are we doing here? Thurgood: [Sighs] What was I thinking? This'll never work. There's nothing funny about us. Muriel: Here. Maybe some coffee will help you boys think. Smokey: Well, I never drink caffeine. It's habit-forming. Thurgood: You're a crackhead! Now, come on. I need you sober. What's it gonna hurt? Smokey: Ok. Aah! Thurgood: Aah! It burns! Muriel: [Lau Smokey: My bad. Drink this. It'll calm your nerves. Thurgood: Xaah! You damn stupid crackhead! Muriel: [Laughs] Thurgood: Muriel, what are you laughing at? Hey. You're right. It is pretty funny, in a maddening sort of way. Smokey, I got an idea. We are gonna make this radio station rock! Smokey: Mmm, did somebody say "rock"? Thurgood: Yeah, yeah. That's good. Keep it coming. [Big band music plays] Walter: Live from the rainbow coalition room, high above the Hilton Jacobs building, it's Thurgood and Smokey's Radio Laugh Riot. Thurgood: You know, Smokey, today I met a homeless beggar with one leg named Johnson. Smokey: [Laughs] That's funny. What was his other leg called? Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid crackhead! [Drumroll] Thurgood: Today I was walking by where the sewer pipe comes out of the garbage dump. Folks call it "ni-egro falls." Smokey: Ni-egro falls. Slowly I turned, inch by inch, step by step... Thurgood: What's wrong with you, Calvin & Juicy join in: You damn stupid crackhead. [Laughs] Announcer: Benny's Check Cashing presents the Thurgood and Smokey Comedy Hour! And now Thurgood and Smokey! [Applause] Thurgood: I sure am happy I ran into you, Smokey. I'm trying to clean up this neighborhood, and I thought you could help me by pointing out some of the drug addicts. Smokey: Ok, but nowadays, drug addicts have some pretty peculiar names. Thurgood: You mean nicknames? Smokey: Well, street names. Like, Who's on crack, Say What's on smack, and I Don't Know freebases. Thurgood: Well, do you know the fellows' names? Smokey: I said, Who's on crack, Say What's on smack, and I Don't Know freebases. Thurgood: Well, who's on crack? Smokey: Yes. Thurgood: I mean, the fellow's name. Smokey: Who! Thurgood: The guy on crack! Smokey: Who! Thurgood: The crack addict! Smokey: Who is on crack. Thurgood: I don't know! Smokey: I Don't Know freebases. Thurgood: Who freebases? Smokey: No, Who's on crack. Thurgood: Say what? Smokey: No, he's on smack. Thurgood: Who's on smack? Smokey: No, Who's on crack. Thurgood: I don't know! Smokey: Freebase! Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid crackhead! [Audience laughs] Thurgood: We're running a little late. Good night, everybody! Smokey, I just want to thank you. You've been a fantastic partner. Thanks to you we've kept the radio station afloat. Smokey: Well, thank you, too, Super. I don't know what you've done, but everywhere I go, people seem to like me. I couldn't be imagining them all. Crowd chants: Smokey! Smokey! Smokey! Thurgood: You hear that, Smokey? They love us! They're chanting our names! Crowd chants: Smokey! Smokey! Smokey! Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid crackhead! [Polite applause] [enthusiastic applause] Smokey: How did all these people get in my dumpster? [Laughter and applause] Smokey: Ooh. Boy, thank you. Oh, thank you. Too kind. Ooh ooh. Thurgood: They send Smokey all this fan mail, and what do I get? One tiny letter. "Dear Mr. Stubbs, This is to notify you that all charges against you have been formally dropped." See? I can't even get arrested in this town! It's just not fair! Muriel: Maybe that's because the character you play on the show is a little... irascible. Thurgood: You mean like Buckwheat? Muriel: Uh... I got an idea! Come on my show tonight. I'll interview you and only you. Then you can show the world you're actually quite big-hearted. Thurgood: Don't be stupid, Muriel. You can't show an angiogram on the radio. Muriel: Yes. What was I thinking? Announcer: Today on NGR, Muriel Stubbs interviews Thurgood Stubbs. Muriel: So, Mr. Stubbs, I understand you've been very busy not only performing on this radio station but running it, too. Thurgood: Oh, yes. Yes. Being lovable is a 24-hour-a-day job, but I don't mind running this station 'cause I'm doing it for the kids. When I found out they were ashamed of where they lived, it touched me in a very special place, and I wanted to touch them back. Muriel: Oh, wonderful. Let's go to the phones. West Tower, you're on with Thurgood stubbs. Man: Thurgood, I just love your show, man. Thurgood: Thank you. What's your question? Man: Man, what's it like working with Smokey? Thurgood: It's...Very lovable. Next caller. Second man: That Smokey guy is brilliant. Does he write everything? Thurgood: No, he does not write everything. Second man: Oh, so he just makes it up as he goes along? That's amazin'! Thurgood: You don't understand! I do all the writing. I'm the idea man. Do you know how hard it is to write a brilliant set-up line like, "Is there a crack in that pipe"? Smokey: Mmm, did someone say "crack pipe"? Thurgood: What the hell are you doing here? Smokey: I told you. I heard someone say "crack pipe." Thurgood: This is my time to be lovable, so get the hell out of here! Nobody wants to listen to you. Second man: I do! Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid caller! Thurgood: You already get all the fan mail. What more do you want? Smokey: To find those men who stole my kidney. == [Lau ? ey, man, that's a great bit. Smokey: It's funny 'cause it's true. ? Smokey, you're a genius! Thurgood: He is not a genius! I'm the one who spent hours reading that boring book by the brilliant Steve Allen. This guy doesn't even know where he is half the time. Smokey: You're awfully chatty for a tree. Muriel: [Laughs] Thurgood: Muriel! Muriel: I can't help it. He's funny. Thurgood: Oh, yeah? Well, he's also fired. You hear that, Smokey? You're fired! Fired! Smokey: I had a job? ================================================================================ ==X Thurgood: And the last thing I'm gonna tell you, woman, is there's no man that can eat that much ice cream. [Click] Man: This guy sucks. Thurgood: [Laughs] Now, that's the kind of crackhead-free comedy you'll be hearing from now on. So keep listening to the Thurgood & Nobody Else show. [Telephone rings] Thurgood: Hey, we got a caller. You're on the air. HUD Woman: Yeah? Well, you're off the air! Thurgood: What? Who is this? HUD Woman: This is HUD, and according to our ratings, I'm the only one listening. So we're pulling the plug on your station. Thurgood: No, wait! I've got another joke! HUD Woman: Too late, Mr. Stubbs, but I happen to know a lovely new station that's hiring right now. Thurgood: Really? Which one? HUD Woman: WNXT next! [Dial tone] Thurgood: Do you think I'm afraid of the dark? Aah! Something crossed my leg! Muriel: Now, I know we're all upset about the radio station, but there is hope. Despite our poor ratings, HUD has agreed that if we can provide our own financing, we can stay on the air. ? How we gonna finance a whole radio station? We can't even finance batteries for our radio. ? Well, I have an idea. Maybe we could host an on-air pledge drive to raise the money we need. Thurgood: That's a great idea, Muriel. Me, hosting a radiothon. Just think about all the money I'll raise! ? Uh, Thurgood, that's very nice of you to offer, but-- Mrs. Avery: What she's trying to say is, unless you got that strung-out ghoul with you, we ain't interested. Thurgood: Shut up, mrs. Avery. You wouldn't know comedy if you found it in your diaper. Mrs. Avery: [Farts] Oops. I think I just made a funny. Thurgood: And for your information, everyone else thinks I'm hysterical. Don't you? ? Ahem! Thurgood: Someone must think I'm funny. Muriel, you think I'm funny on my own, right? Muriel: [Embarrassed laugh] Thurgood: Well, the boys think I'm funny. I'll show you. 1, 2, 3, laugh. 1, 2, 3, laugh. Laugh. Laugh! Juicy: [Starts to cry] Fine. Have your damn radiothon, but you're gonna have it without me. [Door slams] Thurgood: Good luck! Mrs. Avery: If you enjoy such WHJS programming as Prairie Homeboy Companion, Fioveline, and Axe the Answer Man, then please call with your generous donation. [Phones don't ring] Mrs. Avery: Come on, you filthy freeloaders! Give us some money so we can broadcast love to your sorry asses! [Telephone rings] Haiti Lady: Hello? Yes. Thank you! Thank you! We just got a $1,000 donation! [Cheers] Mrs. Avery: Our thanks go out to "Mr. Bite Me from Shove-it Town." Garcelle, you're one stupid Haitian! Muriel: Oh, my. This isn't going well at all. Jimmy: Yeah. Mrs. Avery's dying out there. Muriel: I know. You go give her CPR. I'll go get Thurgood. Sanchez on radio: Bringing the grand total to $13.91. Thurgood: $13?! Ha! I make more than that in 3 days. Muriel: Thurgood, the radiothon is a disaster. You've got to get back together with Smokey. Thurgood: No! I'll never speak to that backstabber again. Don't you see, Muriel? I finally had my shot at glory, but then he had to get all famous on me, and just like that, there was nothing in my life but a big hole where the glory used to be. Well, I want my glory hole filled! Muriel: But the radio station needs you. Thurgood: Why? Everybody said I'm not funny. Muriel: Everybody was right, but they all think you're a great leader. Thurgood: Great leader? Muriel: Sure. It's what you do best. You inspire people. Thurgood: Inspire them to laugh, right? Muriel: You're not a comedian. You're a leader. Thurgood: A laugh leader. Muriel: Thurgood, what would you rather do? Make people laugh or boss them around? I shall boss them around to victory. Smokey! Grab your hat and shoe! We're puttin' our comedy team back together. Smokey: I don't know if I'm ready to go back into show business. I thought all those people liked me, but Babs said they were only laughing at me because I'm a pathetic drug addict. Thurgood: Well, what the hell does she know? She's a pathetic drug addict. Smokey: Besides, someone fired me. Thurgood: No, listen. You're unfired. If we don't get ogether, the community's gonna lose its radio station. Come on. Let's go. Smokey: Wait. Before I go back onstage with you, I'm gonna want an apology. Thurgood: Oh, all right. Smokey, I'm sorry for firing you. Smokey: On the air. Thurgood: You damn filthy crackhead. Babs: [Screeches] Smokey: I know, Babs, I'm codependent. Super, either you apologize on the air, or I'm not going back. Thurgood: Fine. I only want to do what's good for you. Now, get out of that rehab line and come with me. ? No! Mrs. Avery: Look at this child. He needs a radio station. Are you gonna take WHJS away and break this poor, fat, retarded boy's heart? Juicy: I'm not re-- ouch! Mrs. Avery: Help ease his pain. ? Well, there's not enough money. I guess it's all over. Thurgood: Hold the show! [Cra Thurgood: Make way for the hero and heroin of comedy! Crowd's this way, druggie. Thank you. Thank you very much! Ha ha ha! [Ringing] thank you. Thank you ever so much. I'm gonna bring the room down for a moment. Man: Do "who's on crack!" Now, now. Now, please, I've got something I gotta say from the bottom of my heart. Partner, I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. Smokey: Sorry for what, Super? For what? Thurgood: For firing you. Smokey: I'm fired? Ok. Bye-bye. [Audience laughs] Thurgood: Will you cut that out? You were fired, but not anymore. You're hired. Smokey: I'm what? Thurgood: You're hired! Smokey: I'm what, now? Thurgood: Hired, hired! Smokey: I don't think I could possibly get much higher. Thurgood: Oh, shut up, you damn stupid crackhead! [Audience applauds] Thurgood: Now, what routine is it y'all want to hear? ? We want to hear who's on crack! [Chanting] Who's on crack! Who's on crack! Thurgood: Well, who's on crack? Smokey: Yes. I mean, the fellow's name. ? Hello? $100? This isn't Mr. Bite Me again, is it? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Thank you very much. We just got a donation for $100! We're gonna make it! Thurgood: Who's on smack? Smokey: No, who's on crack. Thurgood: I don't know! Smokey: Freebase! Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid crackhead! [Applause] Thurgood: Well, folks, that's how we saved the old radio station, and as for Smokey and me, well, we still do comedy from time to time. Thurgood: Get out of here, you damn crackhead! Captioning made possible by touchstone television and fox broadcasting captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute <