-- T h e P J s -- Title: The Door Season 1, episode 3 Aired: Tuesday, Jan.19.1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood lobbies HUD for a new dorr for the building. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, Livin' in the PJs. ================================================================================ Thurgood: They think I've got nothing better to do than to spend all day messin' with this piiipe! Girl: Hey, Super, did you find out why the hot water's not working? Thurgood: Yeah, the hot water ain't workin' 'cause your daddy ain't workin'. You tell your daddy to get a job and pay his gas bill and you'll have some hot water coming to ya. Until then, y'all go on and chill. That's what you kids say, chill, right? Well, now you know what it means to chill. Now, go on, keep it real. Girl: Mmm. Thurgood: Yeah. That ought to do it. Up bup dit dat dut-- yeah, I thought not. Girl: Thanks, Super. Thurgood: Now remember, I give you my guarantee. If y'all break it again, I guarantee you I'm not coming back up here. Juicy: Come up and give us some food. Thurgood: Juicy, what's going on here? Juicy: It's a rat. We're chasing it out. Calvin: [Giggling] Thurgood: Just leave it be. Hey there, little rascal. [Ruff ruff] Thurgood: That ain't no rat. It's a dog. [Growls] Thurgood: No pets allowed. Go on. Shoo! How'd that dog get in here, Calvin? Calvin: Come in the front door, Super. It's broken again. Thurgood: Again? I just fixed the door last week. Mrs. Avery: Hmm, you call that fixed? Thurgood: Son of a Billy D. Mrs. Avery: Look at that tacky job you done. It makes me sssick. Thurgood: I don't believe this. People can't take care of nothing. Mrs. Avery: And then we got filth comin' in here all hours of the day and night. Do you know there was a wino relieving himself in the stairwell? I had to chase him out. Smokey: Oh, so the bathroom's free now? Thurgood: You do not belong in here, ya damn crackhead. Go smoke your crack, please. Smokey: For your information, I'm trying to quit. See, I'm wearing a crack patch. Thurgood: That is a band-aid, Mr. Crack. Smokey: That would explain the less than satisfactory results. Thurgood: Go on, get out of here! Smokey: Wait! You wanna buy a watch? Thurgood: Why the devil would I want to buy a watch from you? Smokey: It's yours. Thurgood: What? Gimme that. 6:59? Oh, no. Can't talk, gotta go. Mrs. Avery: Hey, hey, what about this riffraff? Muriel: Thurgood, do you know what time it is? Thurgood: Of course I know what time it is. Help me get ready. Muriel: Oh, you know, this is why I always write things down. You notice I never miss my stories. Ooh, like when Crystal tried to take over the Cortland Apricot Plantation. Thurgood: No blah blah blah. [Theme from Wheel of Fortune plays] Thurgood: [sighs] Thank you, Jesus, for the wheel. Muriel: You know, Thurgood, I was talking with a couple of the tenants today. Did you know there's a problem with the front door? Thurgood: Pick a 'T', pick a 'T'. A 'K'? Who the hell asks for a 'K'? There ain't no Ks in there. [Ding ding ding ding] Thurgood: [sighs] [ding] Thurgood: Unbelievable. Muriel: Mm-hmm. I was talking to the Ramos boy from 211. Thurgood: Oh, yeah, that's the one that hijacked that armored car. Isn't he a fugitive from justice? Muriel: Yes, he could only talk a minute. Anyway, he said with all these strangers waltzing through here, he doesn't feel safe anymore. Well, someone brought up the notion of a tenants' meeting. You know, that's not a bad idea. Thurgood: Muriel, you are not draggin' me to no tenants' meeting. I've been working all day and I'm staying right here in this chair. Muriel: Well, that's exactly what I told them. Come on in, everybody! Bebe: With that door broken, what's to stop some strange man from comin' all up in here and havin' his way with me? Thurgood: The long ass line. Muriel: Thurgood, that's my sister. Thurgood: Hmm. Jimmy: Yo, what I'm concerned about is this black on black crime. 'Cause we brothers got to look out for our nubian sisters. Thurgood: What the hell is he talking about? He ain't black. You are from Korea. Mrs. Avery: Some nut keeps comin' in here leavin' hot food outside my door. What kind of sickness is that? Thurgood: It's called meals on wheels. Mrs. Avery: Call it what you want. It makes me sss-- oh, now look what you gone and done. You done gave me a ssstroke. Mrs. Avery: Shlank you. Bebe: Now you gonna fix that door, Thurgood? All: Yeah, when you gonna fix it? Thurgood: Why should I? Y'all stampede on it, bleed on it. I think some of y'all even peed on it. Mm-hmm. Look at ya. Look at ya. Let me tell y'all something. And I'm only gonna say this once. I'll fix that door when y'all fix your attitudes, and start taking care of what you got. Haiti Lady: [Haitian accent] People, we don't need no door to protect us. No! No! Mambo Garcelle got de cure. First, you take a chicken heart, put it on a juju stick, and place it in the doorway. Anybody come within three feet, their lungs turn black as coal. Thurgood: Oh, that's beautiful. Now there's somebody really doing their homework. There's only one little small flaw in your slaw-- how the hell we supposed to get in the building? You didn't think of that, did ya, Haiti Lady? Thurgood: Voodoo. I got more voodoo in my--aah! Bebe: Muriel, take some advice from your big sister. Tell Thurgood as long as that door stays open, you stay closed. Jimmy: Ok? Muriel: Well, in Thurgood's defense, he has fixed it a lot. Thurgood: Preach to 'em, Muriel, preach. Muriel: I think what we need... is a new door. Thurgood: What? Muriel: It's the only solution, Goody. Bebe: See, that's what I'm talkin' about. All: [Chanting] New door! New door! New door! Haiti Lady: Or you'll be sorry. Oh. Thurgood: Y'all chant all y'all want. Y'all ain't gettin' no new door. Please, this place is safe. [Springs squeak] Thurgood: [sighs] Hey, where's my 40? Smokey: Ahh, I'd say it's more like a 15 now. Thurgood: What the deh doh oh! Muriel, I think it's time we get a new door. ================================================================================ [Traffic] Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, look at all these things we can requisition. "replacement radiators, replacement windows." Mmm, "See plywood". Ah here we are. "replacement doors." Oh isn't this fun? HUD Woman: What? Muriel: Good morning. I'm Muriel Stubbs. Thurgood: Yes, and I'm Thurgood Stubbs. Chief superintendent of the-- HUD Woman: Fill this out. Thurgood: Oh, for the love of-- this is gonna take all day. HUD Woman: Mm-hmm, if you keep talking. Would you care for a cup of coffee, Mrs. Stubbs? Muriel: Oh, that would be lovely. Oh! Thurgood: [Mumbling] Muriel: Now don't tell me these beautiful children are yours? HUD Woman: That's Lasagna and Chevron. Do you have any kids? Muriel: No. Thurgood has very weak sperm. Thurgood: Muriel! Muriel: Doctor says they're lazy. Thurgood: Uh, here, I'm done. Hey! When should we expect delivery? Thurgood: [Grunting] Muriel: Careful, Thurgood. You're scraping it. Thurgood: [Sniffs] Ahh! You smell that, boys? That's new door smell. Here. Read the manual. Calvin: Why don't you read it, Super? Thurgood: 'Cause I got to do all the work, that's why. Calvin: Super can't read. Juicy & Calvin: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Thurgood: Quit foolin'. Calvin: Ouch! Calvin: "Congratulations on the purchase of your new Thugaway 2000." Hey, listen to this. "Space age polymers make this revolutionary door both the heaviest and the lightest ever built." Juicy & Calvin: Wow! Thurgood: [Grunts] Now that's how you hang a door. Calvin: Well, what about this? Thurgood: Hmm. What about what? [Grunts] Now, who's ready to test it? Thurgood: All right, all right, you had your fun. Come on, guns only for special occasions. Gimme that. Come on, everybody. The ankle piece, too, Juicy. Muriel: Fire in the hole! Juicy: Now that's phat! Calvin: That was dope! Juicy & Calvin: Whoa! Juicy: Yeah, did you see that? Thurgood: Just as we ask for our new door to protect us, we must ask for protection for our new door. So let us now bow our heads and all join hands as Haiti Lady leads us in a voodoo hex. Ms. Haiti, if you'd be so kind. Haiti Lady: For lifetime protection, need extra strong wanga juice. Thurgood: No, no, no, hell no! No rooster blood. Haiti Lady: Fine. Have it your way. [Tenants murmur] all: Ooh! Haiti Lady: There. That's good for 90 days parts and labor. Thurgood: Now, all you crackheads... Out! Smokey: Deshawn, Babs... Call me. Thurgood: Come on, you, too. Let's go. Let's go. Ok, Calvin, it's time. All: Oh! [Crickets chirping] Muriel: Thurgood, what are you doing? Thurgood: Al Roker predicted frost. She'll be ok, won't she, Muriel? Muriel: She'll be fine, Goody. Now come back to bed. You did such a good job on that door. I feel safer already. Thurgood: Yeah, it's nice and quiet now. Hey, what was that? Muriel: What was what? Thurgood: I thought I heard somebody scratching their name in my door. Listen. What the-- L...A...V...Lavar? No, Laverne! Who the hell is Laverne? Muriel: Maybe they're just naming it for you. Thurgood: I've already name her Dora. No, Doreen. That's even better. Muriel: Thurgood, this is the projects. You've got to expect a little wear-and-tear. Thurgood: I guess you're right. God, Muriel, I really love that door. Thurgood: [Yawning] What is this? Muriel: Just a little something to help you take care of the wear and tear. Thurgood: Ha ha, that's very nice, but I'm sure it's fine. Muriel: Thurgood, go check on your door. Thurgood: Well, if you're gonna worry about it all day, I guess I'll go check on it. Hudson: Come here, little sausage. Come here, little sausage. Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, hi, Super. Thurgood: Morning, Hudson. Hudson: Hey, I saw a Polaroid of the new door. It's nice. Thurgood: Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it? Maybe some day you'll be able to fit through it. Hudson: Oh, come on. Ha ha ha. You better stop. Thurgood: [Hum] Mother Marion Barry. Door...gone. Where...at...door... Not see...door. Ooh...Why...door...Missing? Smokey: Hi diddly ho, Super. You wanna buy a-- Thurgood: You! You stole my door! You stole my door, didn't you? Smokey: Super, you cuttin' off the oxygen to my brain. Thurgood: Good! Smokey: Very good. Thurgood: This is low. This is low even for you. Smokey: You think I stole your door? Oh, Super, and I thought we were like this. Thurgood: You must leave this place. Smokey: Come on. We don't wanna be where we not wanted. Let's go to the public liberry. Thurgood: There's got to be some way to get that door back. [Rap music playing] [siren] Thurgood: Tarnell. Hey, Tarnell! Tarnell: 'Sup, Supe? Thurgood: Shh, shh, shh. Look here, word on the street is you're the man folks go to when they need-- Tarnell: Tell...Tar...Nel. Thurgood: I need you to help me get our door back. Tarnell: No problem, man. Can o' corn. Thurgood: Now it ain't gonna be as easy as no can o' corn. See-- Tarnell: Can o' corn. Thurgood: They probably sold it. Tarnell: Corn! Thurgood: Now see, the door could be anywhere. Tarnell: Creamed corn, Mother Hubbard. Thurgood: Her name is Doreen. Tarnell: Popcorn. Orville Mother Hubbard Redenbacher brand. Thurgood: But I just want-- Tarnell: Damn, Mother Hubbard. Thurgood: All right. As long as we understand each other. Thurgood: What on Eartha Kitt? Tarnell: This is what you wanted, right? Thurgood: I said I wanted my door. You said it'd be a can o' corn. Tarnell: I said that? Thurgood: I wanted my Thugaway 2000. Tarnell: Thugaway? I know where that is. Everybody knows where that is. Calvin: Hey yo, Juicy. It's Calvin. Juicy: Hey, Calvin. Calvin: I'm gonna help super get the door back. You comin'? Juicy: Ok, hang on. Mama, I'm goin' out! Mama Hudson: Juicy, don't forget your you know what. Juicy: I got it. Juicy: My sign. Juicy: [Panting] We've been looking for five hours. We're never gonna find that door. Thurgood: You stop all your complaining. [Gasps] Holy Moses Malone. Calvin: But Super, wait. Thurgood: Open up! You got my door! Open up right now! Open this damn-- Thug: Whatchu want? Thurgood: Uh, hey...Hi...Ho. Thug: Leave. Juicy: What'd I miss? Uh-oh. Peace. Thurgood: Ok. ================================================================================ Thurgood: This is where Thurgood Orenthal Stubbs draws the line. [Toilet flushes] Thurgood: Teach them to take my door. Muriel: Thurgood, you're not thinkin' about trying to get that door back. Thurgood: You bet your Shabazz I am. Muriel: Thurgood, sometimes it's best to just let things go. Thurgood: Muriel, they stole Doreen. Muriel: Remember when our stereo was stolen? We let it go. And when our sofa was stolen, we let it go. And when someone took our signed picture of the Reverend Al Sharpton-- well, that was returned, but we were more than willing to let it go. Thurgood: You don't understand, Muriel. They stole my dignity. Muriel: Yes, but, you know, I think you can get by. Thurgood: Ah, now I'm ready. Come on, Beverly. Muriel: Goody, please, these people are dangerous. You could get hurt. Oh, it's just not worth it. Thurgood: Don't worry. I know exactly what I'm doing. Whoops. Uh-oh. Oh! [Grunts] I'll fix that later. Thug: Fat daddy, whatchu think you're doing? Thurgood: I'm taking back my door. That's what I'm doing. Thug: Your door? Thurgood: Damn right, my door. Let me tell you something, boy. This door belongs to the Hilton-Jacobs Projects. And that's exactly where it's going. Thug: The Hilton-Jacobs Projects, huh? Hmm, I forget, what gang controls the Hilton-Jacobs Projects? Thurgood: We ain't got no gangs there. Just hard-working, decent folk like myself. Now get out of my way, boy. Thug: Hold up, old man. I think we can help you out. [Door squeaking] Thurgood: Hey, there you go. Now that's more like it. Now maybe when you're not so busy peddlin' your goofy dust, you'll realize what a good thing you done. All right, you're all excused. Go on, break it up. Go on, git! Gangsta: I think we're gonna stay awhile. Thurgood: What... Would you say to a nice back rub? You know I got very strong hands from working on pipes. I can get that knot out your back. [Beeping] Gangsta: I'll take that. Thurgood: Hmm. GAngsta: And that. Peace. Muriel: Oh, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I was able to get your beans passed them, but T-dog picked out all the pork cubes. Thurgood: This just ain't right. Muriel: But look, I got you a surprise. It's soap for your carvings. You want to work on your civil rights chess set? Looks to me like we still need a white Dr. King. Thurgood: Muriel, what's the point when you keep bathing with my Bishop Tutus? Muriel: See here. It's not me that you're mad at. I didn't bring that gang into the sanctuary of our home. You're... misdirecting your anger. Thurgood: Yeah, that's true. That's what Oprah say. Muriel: Thurgood, you've got to stop blaming yourself. No one else is blaming you. Thurgood: Oh, they're not, huh? Muriel: Of course not. Remember, this building is your family. Thurgood: Hmm. Haiti Lady: Super, that gang's taken over this building. Thurgood: I know. My bad. Jimmy: There were three drive-bys today. Thurgood: They're bad. Sanchez: I'm scared. Thurgood: They're scary. Mrs. Avery: You know, they violated me? Thurgood: Oh, God, they're crazy. [Machine gun firing] [gunshots] Thurgood: Come on, I can't even hear myself think. Ain't you ever heard of a silencer? [Gunshot] Sanchez: I believe that's bullet takes pawn. If you're not careful, you're going to lose your castle. Gangsta: There, little homey. Thurgood: No, not Calvin. Gangsta: Now you look like a big homey. Thurgood: That's it. This ends right now! That gang has gone too far. Too far, Muriel. Muriel: Thurgood, you're not going to do something drastic. Thurgood: I never thought that I'd say these words. Muriel, I'm calling the police. Muriel: Oh, but Thurgood, just because a gang is threatening our lives is no reason to sell out to the Man. Thurgood: I'm sorry, Muriel. It is time to drop dime. Operator: Your phone cannot access this number. Thurgood: They've got the call blocking. I shouldn't have called from the projects. I'm gonna have to make a run for it. Muriel: Oh, but the nearest police station is 123 blocks. You'll never make it. Thurgood: Don't have to. I start running down the street with this... they'll find me. Now we need a diversion. Hmm. Ok, ready on the speed dial. Muriel: Ready. Thurgood: Now! [Touch tones] Thurgood: Oh, Muriel, they're dottin' me. Better hurry up. Better do something quick. Muriel: Any second now. [Beeper beeping] Gangsta #1: Hold up, I got a page. Gangsta #2: Is that yours? Gangsta: You got a page? [Murmuring] Gansta: Oh, man, look it. Thurgood: Oh! Gangsta: Hey, come back here. Gangsta: You don't need a key to go through death's door. Gangstas: Ha ha ha.Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Thurgood: Open up, Doreen, it's me, Thurgood! Smokey, what are you doing here? Smokey: Stealing your door. But if this is a bad time-- [gunshots] Calvin: Hey, they're shooting at the Super. Juicy: Why don't the Super use his super powers? Calvin: Super is short for superintendent. Juicy: Oh. He's gonna die. Thurgood: Smokey, I just want you to know, if we die-- Smokey: Papa! Thurgood: No, I'm not your daddy. You made me forget my dying words. [Guns clicking] Gangsta: Damn, man, we ain't got no more caps. Gangsta #2: That's all right. We don't need no guns. There's only two of them. Tenants: Make that ten of them. Jimmy: Let's get them! Mrs. Avery: T-dog's mine. Gangsta: Man, this place is whack. Let's get out of here. Haiti Lady: And don't come back or you'll feel the business end of a juju stick. Sanchez: Cowards. Hudson: Yeah, lucky for you I'm a shut-in. Juicy: Good job, Super. Mrs. Avery: Hey, ain't y'all forgetting something? We ain't got no door. Super destroyed it trying to save his life. Always thinking about hisself. Calvin: Hey, what about our old door? Mrs. Avery: Probably sold it. Muriel: No, he didn't. It's right over there. Juicy: We could fix it up and paint it and treat it right this time. All: Old door! Old door! Old door! Yay! Mrs. Avery: The is the best Christmas ever. Smokey: Ok. Come on, everybody. Party at my mattress. Baby, baby. Muriel: See, Thurgood, it's true. Whenever God steals a door, somewhere he smashes in a window. Thurgood: Muriel, that's beautiful. Up dup dit dat dut-- yeah, I thought not. ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy and Steve Tompkins & Larry Wilmore Captioning made possible by Touchstone Television and Fox Broadcasting. Captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, Inc. Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of National Captioning Institute ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================