-- T h e P J s -- Title: Smoke Gets In Your Highrise Season 3, episode 3 Aired: Sunday, Feb. 4, 2001 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood makes a deal to place a cigarette advertisement on the side of the Hilton-Jacobs building in exchange for free air-conditioning. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, livin' in the PJs. ================================================================================ [Radio dial tuning] [Soft music playing] Man on radio: No end in sight to the heat wave, people. 103 degrees in the shade. And that's especially dangerous for the elderly... the infirm... and the otherwise incapacitated. And that's the truth, Ruth. Music on radio: Hot town, summer in the ci-- [all whistling] Juicy: I feel sticky all over. Mrs. Avery: Super, when are you going to get HUD to fix our air conditioning? Thurgood: Oh, please people, ain't nothing wrong with a little heat. It's all about your outlook. When life gives you lemons, you grill burgers on the hood of one. Calvin: It's too hot for burgers. Juicy: Yeah, I'm not even enjoying this. Thurgood: You boys sound like y'all need to hook up with the ice cream man. Calvin & Juicy: Yeah! Muriel: Don't tease the boys. You know that ice cream truck never stops in our neighborhood. Thurgood: It will today. Thurgood: I have a visual. Fat man and little fat boy, you are go. Juicy: Ice cream man! Ice cream man! Ice cream man! Walter: Juicy, watch out. Don't run in, and, or, uh, near the street. Juicy: Don't worry, I am fine. Whoops. Driver: Aah! Walter: Gasp! Thurgood: The whale is beached. Harold and Maude, get busy. Calvin: Can is open. Thurgood: Roger. Rerun, Duane, what's happening? Operation Dessert Storm is go! Sanchez: I'll be in charge of packing the fudgsicles. Thurgood: You be good and stop on this block from now on, you hear? Thurgood: All right! Give it up for the man with the good humor, the eskimo pied piper, known to his wife as Mr. Softee, every woman's dreamsicle... Thurgood: It's not the heat, it's the humiliation. Muriel: Oh, Goody, you tried. Juicy: There's a chunk of popsicle stuck to the sidewalk. Calvin: Mine! Mrs. Avery: You'll have to go through me. Sanchez: I got it. Mrs. Avery: The hell you do! [Whack] Mrs. Avery: Who else wants some? Thurgood: That's Darryl's last Strawberry. It's time for us to regain our dignity. I'm going to march right down to HUD to beg like a be-otch for government money for air conditioning. Muriel: You go, Goody! Just as A.C. drove O.J. away from the heat, the AC will drive the heat away from us. When HUD hears my passionate plea on behalf of my suffering people, why, I predict their hearts will be touched and their tears will flow like rain. HUD Woman: Ha ha haha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Oh my goodness,I can't even say, "next!" Ha ha! Someone come over hereand say "next!" for me. Ha ha ha! Thurgood: Allow me. Next. Thurgood: Way to go, Thurgood --going home empty-handed, just like Spike Lee at the Oscars. Man: Hey, Thurgood. Thurgood: What, who's that? How do you know my name? Man: Oh, we've had our eye on you for a long time. Thurgood: Even during my private time? I can't help it. A man has needs. Man: [Coughs] Step into my office. Thurgood: Well, mama always said not to get into a stranger's car. Man: It's air conditioned. Thurgood: But mama's dead. Man: Thurgood, my company's prepared to give you that air conditioning that you so righteously need. Thurgood: Ooh, something for nothing! Free lunch, Yahtzee! You're not some kind of pervert, are you? Man: Ha ha. All we require is a little something you never use and won't even miss. Thurgood: Naw,you can't have Muriel. Oh, hey, I get it --you want my immortal soul. Man: Hee hee ha ha ha! No, no, not that. Thurgood: You sure? 'Cause I think we can do business. Thurgood: Ladies and gentlemen, with special thanks to my number one man, the bad mamma-jamma with the hamma -- that's me -- and to my nice friend at Litvack Industries, I present... Koolio Krokodile! [All gasp] Muriel: Cigarette advertising on our building? Thurgood, how could you? Thurgood: How could I? This billboard's the answer to all our problems. Besides, it's not like they're giving away free cigarettes. Man: Thanks for all your help, Thurgood. [tires squeal] Haiti Lady: Cigarettes have the bad juju. Sanchez: I lost my voice, my wife, my whole life to cigarettes. I'll take a case of the 100s. Smokey: You won't be seeing me with those things. My body's a temple. My favorite time of year was when we observed the high holidays. Bebe: This sets a terrible example for the children. Mrs. Avery: She's right. Come on, kids, let's kill the Super! All: Yeah! Get him! Thurgood: Now, look, I know everyone's a little hot under the collar. The temperatures are rising, and I understand that. But before everybody hits their boiling point, I suggest you all chill. [excited murmuring] Thurgood: That's right, people, fresh cool air from a machine. Why, I see nothing but clear skies ahead. ================================================================================ Thurgood: Top of the morning, Widow Avery, uh, Mrs. Ho. Bebe: Why, Thurgood, we were just talking about what a hero you are. Thurgood: Hee hee hee, well, maybe someday they'll build a monument to great janitors like me -- mount flushmore. Both: Ha ha ha ha! Thurgood: Love this frosty cool air. Ooh, my high beams are on. Muriel: Thurgood, I'm worried. Those tobacco companies aren't dummies. They put that sign here to get our people to start smoking, especially the children. Thurgood: Muriel, please. That's not how advertising works. It doesn't get inside your brain and tell you how to live. Walter: Whassuuup? Thurgood: Whassuuup! Sanchez: Whassuuup. Thurgood: I thought we promised we'd stop doing this six months ago. Walter: True, true. Muriel: Thurgood, come quick. It's the children. They're just standing there staring at the cigarette ad. It's like they're mesmerized. Juicy: I've been staring at it for an hour, and I still don't see anything dirty. Calvin: Look, man, right above the chin is the "B," the two eyes make the "O-O," under the nose is a "T," and his teeth make the "Y." It says "booty." That's how they make grown-ups think cigarettes are sexy. Juicy: Cigarettes aren't sexy. Your mom's sexy. Thurgood: Boys, Muriel here is worried you're going to smoke because of this ad. Now, that's ridiculous, isn't it? Calvin: Word, Super. We learned in school that cigarettes are for punks. Juicy: We studied it for two months last year, right after we studied president Abraham, uh, uh... Muriel: Lincoln? Juicy: No, the guy with the wooden teeth who sent the man to the moon. Anyway, don't worry. We've been educated right. Walter: What you doing, T.? Thurgood: Staring at Koolio and thinking about booty. I don't know why. Jimmy: I don't know why not. That one ad in "Jet" where Koolio hooks up with this babe. She is the bomb. I mean, yeah, I know she's a cartoon, and she's a crocodile, but I would really like to have sex with her. Walter: Ha ha. You know who I like is that fabric softener bear. Hee whoo. Oh, so now I'm a freak. Thurgood: I don't know. There's just something about Koolio that speaks to me. Walter: Yeah. Okay, that's enough conversation with the big sign. See you around, Thurgood. Jimmy: Later. Koolio: You're the man around here since you got that AC, Thurgood. Thurgood: Lord, is that you? I knew you'd sound like Barry White. Koolio: It's me, your main man, Koolio Krokodile, and I think you deserve a big reward. Remember back when you were young, good-looking, and got all the hottest ladies? Thurgood: Well, I remember being young, but I'm a little hazy about the ladies. Koolio: Come on, now, think back. You remember. Thurgood: Oh, yeah, yeah! That's right. I remember now. I hit all the parties, I drove a fast car, and for a while I solved crimes in Miami with a white guy. Koolio: That's the Thurgood I'm talking about, and you could have it all again by having just one minty-fresh Koolio cigarette. Thurgood: Really? Koolio: Damn straight. Sanchez left a pack by my left claw. Now, go ahead and puff, daddy. Thurgood: Well, I suppose one couldn't hurt. Koolio: You're smoking now, baby. Thurgood: Hey, that is minty fresh... [hacking cough] and it is like a party in my lungs! Koolio: You've come a long way, baby. [Theme from "Miami Vice" playing] Muriel: Thurgood, you're smoking? Thurgood: It's all good, baby. Smoking is fun. Look, smoke rings. Smoke squares... smoke bunnies... smoke out my ears...ha ha ha -- and I learned this one in a strip club. Muriel: Thurgood, pull up your pants. I think you've lost your mind. Thurgood: Check out this great Koolio Krokodile gear. I get it with the Koolio Kash that comes with every pack. If I save up 100 points, I can trade them in for 50 points. Muriel: Thurgood, if you want to turn your lungs black... Thurgood: That's it, Muriel -- I'm just keeping it real on the inside. Muriel: Well, I'm telling you to keep it real outside. Bebe: Mr. Lou Rawls is coming here? I wonder if he remembers our little fling. It was a pretty long elevator ride and not going up. [Laughter] Haiti Lady: Aah! Thurgood: What? Oh, thank goodness. I thought I'd freed Mandela again. Mrs. Avery: [Cocks gun] If you're going to smoke that in here, me and Mrs. Jones are going to be smoking, too. Thurgood: Thrown out of my own home. Smokers have rights, too, you know. We should do a million-smoker march... a short march, not uphill. Juicy: Freeze! Calvin: Smoking police! Thurgood: Ha ha ha ha. That's real cute, boys. Now, run along. Calvin: We said freeze. [both cock guns] Calvin: He's reaching for his lighter. Juicy: Fire! Thrugood: 41 shots to put out a cigarette? You think maybe you boys are getting a little overzealous? Juicy: Super, please don't smoke. We don't want you to get sick and die. Thurgood: Well... Calvin: Now, are you going to quit, or do we have to get NYPD on your behind? Thurgood: Boys, you got to understand. I can quit anytime I want. Watch, I'll quit right now. It's just that easy. Here, I'll quit again. So don't you worry about me. I'll just keep these for some more quitting later. [both cock guns] Muriel: I'm so glad you decided to quit, Thurgood. I'll do whatever I can to support you. Thurgood: Less talk, more marshmallow fluff. Haiti Lady: Relax your mind. [flatulence] Haiti Lady: I said your mind! Thurgood: I just need something to do with my hands. Muriel: I'm right here, Thurgood. Thurgood: Maybe I'll get me one of those patches. Thurgood: [imitating pirate] Arr, quitting is hard. Thurgood: Uh, Smokey, how did you beat your addiction? Smokey: It was easy once I had the love of a good woman, and for $20 you can get that very same love. Thurgood: I did it, Muriel. I'm smoke-free. I feel reborn, like I got a new month-to-month lease on life. The wall's chipped. I better paint the whole building. I got to go buy 40,000 gallons of paint. Muriel: You're going to go sneak a cigarette, aren't you? Thurgood: Yup, down in the boiler room. Thurgood: The one thing you can say about Thurgood Stubbs is he's not a quitter. ================================================================================ Walter: Where's Thurgood? I know he wants to see Mr. Lou Rawls. Muriel: Who knows? But wherever you smell smoke, Thurgood won't be far away. Thurgood: Hmm, I smell smoke. Not even lit yet. It must be in-a-few-seconds-hand smoke. [Sniffs] Hmm? Earth, Wind, and Fire! In the boiler room. I must've started it with one of my cigarettes. This is all your fault. Koolio: Solid, brother. You're the man. Thurgood: Is that the only thing you know how to say? Thurgood: I got to do something,and quick. Okay, hold on now, stay cool, relax. Ahh, that's better. Koolio: Right on. Tap that ash. [Sniffs] Juicy: Do you smell something? Calvin: Oh, man, can't you ever just let it slide? Juicy: Not that. It's smoke. Super's at it again. Calvin: We're trapped! Mrs. Avery: I smell that dirty Thurgood and his cigarettes. How dare he smoke at this nice party the tobacco company's giving us. Walter: Looks like the basement's on fire. Bebe: Fire? We better get -- [R&B music playing] Bebe: down to the front row. Man: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the silky sounds of Mr. Lou Rawls. Mr. Lou Rawls: You'll never -- what? Man: Tonight's concert has been canceled. Please do not rush Mr. Lou Rawls' helicopter. Jimmy: G.I. Chopper, take me!Jimmy good boy. No, no, no,come back now! Walter: Uh-oh, we're trapped. Looks like I'm about to have my second painful burning sensation of the day. Thurgood: Everyone I knowand love is on the roof. Plus Sanchez, Bebe, and Mrs. Avery. I've got to somehow push my way past them to save Muriel. Thurgood: Hmm, I always wondered why that is. Ut! Juicy: [Trembling] Calvin: Come on, Juicy. We'll be safe in here. Thurgood: "Koolio Krokodile flameproof pajamas -- especially made for smoking in bed." It's a good thing I sent away for these instead of the beach ball. Mrs. Avery: Get out of my way. Old women without children first. Look out. Move. Walter: Now don't panic, people. Don't panic. A monster! Oh, hi, Thurgood. Thurgood: Now, listen up, people. I got a plan to save all your lives. We'll use Mr. Lou Rawls' microphone cords as safety lines and crawl down the Koolio sign. It'll be as easy as climbing down the side of a burning building holding onto slippery little cords. Walter: It's crazy,but it just might -- naw, it's just crazy. But let's give it a shot. Thurgood: All right, everybody, wait your turn. Now, you first, Mrs. Avery. Mrs. Avery: I won a medal for swimming back in high school. I could hold my breath for two minutes. Thurgood: Mrs. Avery, we're not in an upside-down boat. We're on the top of a burning building. Mrs. Avery: I'm just making conversation, you jackass. Sanchez: I can't wait any longer. I don't want to die! Oh, it's so big. I want to smoke it. Yee-haa! I'm okay. Aah! Walter: Ha ha. Well,that was fun, but we better find a way to put this fire out. Smokey: Gentlemen, if I may, we have a water tank, and we have an air conditioning system that goes to every room in the building. We take the copper piping from the AC, feed the water in, and use the existing ducts to flood the building and, thus, the fire. Thurgood: Smokey, keep your insane jabbering to yourself. Now everybody overto the edge of the roof. We can spit this fire out. Calvin: Fire's getting closer. Juicy: But it's still nice and cool in here. Thurgood: I'm going alongwith the majority here, but I still say I can pee that far. Okay, Smokey, what's the rest of your plan? Smokey: Ooh, uh, what plan? Thurgood: Oh, great. Calvin: [through vent] Juicy, stop complaining about how we're trapped in the janitor's supply closet. It's not going to help. Thurgood: The boys --something tells me they're trappedin the janitor's supply closet. The water will drown them. Walter: Thurgood,don't talk like that. The fire is sure to get them first. Mrs. Avery: No, won't somebody save the children... at least the skinny one? He's got a future. Thurgood: Oh, dear lord, dear lord. People, I started this fire with my cigarettes. [all gasp] Bebe: Oh, please. I figured that out 20 minutes ago. Thurgood: And now I got to save those boys. I'm going in. Walter, blow the water tank in exactly 60 seconds, whether a minute's gone by or not. Thurgood: Muriel, you must do me this honor -- promise me you will survive, that you will never give up. Promise me now and never let go of that promise. Muriel: Oh, Goody, a kiss for luck. Mm-mmm -- ugh! Ashtray mouth! Thurgood: Aah! Ooh, dead rat... ooh, dead person... got to clean this outsometime. Yep, right turn... ahh, straight down from here. Just in the nicotine of time. Calvin: It's Super. Juicy: What are you doing in here? Thurgood: Why, saving your lives... uh, and some magazines. Walter: 30 seconds. Thurgood: All right, we'll make a run for it through the hallway. Calvin: But it's full of smoke. Thurgood: You're right. Here, we'll breathe through these. Juicy: Cigarettes. Calvin: No way, man,we'll get hooked! Thurgood: We won't light them, you little babies. We'll just breathe through the filters. Koolio's filters have the North-tar System, a revolutionary new technology that does something or other. Juicy: What if it stunts my growth? Thurgood: We'll take thatas a blessing. Walter: 2...1...0! Smokey: Faster! Whee! Muriel: They made it! Bebe: Ha ha! Pay up. Mrs. Avery: Damn. Juicy: Super saved our lives! Calvin: No, cigarettes saved our lives. Juicy: But super gave us the cigarettes, so -- Thurgood: Can we just agree I saved our lives and not analyze it to death? And, uh, you boys were right all along about smoking. Maybe you saved my life, too. Thurgood: Damn, it's cool in here. These bad boys could cut glass. Whoo. I feel much bettersince I've quit smoking, and I learned a valuable lesson about advertising and how to see through their seductive lies. Oh, Muriel,since you're up, could you bring me another of those quarts of milk? ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy and Steve Tompkins & Larry Wilmore Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Tom Turpin, Will Vinton Executive Producers: Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Executive Producer: Warren Bell Co-executive Producer: Dan McGrath Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Executive Consultant: Jeff Martin Executive Consultant: Danny Zuker Consulting Producer: Kriss Turner Supervising Producers: Mike Barker & Matt Weitzman Producers: Rachel Walchak, Maria Hardison Supervising Producer: Chris Plourde Written By: Warren Bell Directed By: Paul Harrod ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2006 ================================================================================