Once upon a time in the projects... pjs  projects low-rent high-rise, y'all.  Pjs oh, yeah. Projects livin' in the pjs  holdin' down a cardboard condo homeboy in a homemade bungalow in the middle of the end of a dead-end one-way street [All talking] Ya ya ya ya, ya-ya-ya livin' in the pjs ohhhhh pjs captioning made possible by touchstone television and fox broadcasting aah! Vo: Yup, that's me thurgood stubbs, falling to my death. You're probably wondering how I ended up like this. Well, maybe the best place to start is the beginning. You sure it won't be too much trouble for you to do the dishes? Don't be ridiculous, muriel. I always love to help you out around the house the week before my birthday. [Humming] Wash, wash, wash.  Rinse, rinse, rinse. Hello, handsome! Ha ha! [Humming] Hello, swamp thing-- swamp thing?! Aah! Oh! Uh, hey, muriel, you know, you might want to wait a minute or 2 before you-- muriel: Aah! Oh, my god! Take a shower. Get it off me! Oh, get it off! Oh! Ok, ok, look, try to stay calm, honey. Stay calm. I got to go outside and see if it just our apartment or the whole building. Su-- yep, it's the whole building. Woman, strident: Next! Uh, yeah. Look, I'm thurgood stubbs of the hilton-jacobs projects, and I'm here to pick up a new master filter for our main water intake pipe. Aw, honey, y'all ain't got no clean water? Is that why you showered in malt liquor? Next! Hey, wait a minute, lady. We talking about water here. That's a basic human right just like-- hud allocates each projects one master water filter a year, and since you received yours only... 9 months ago, it is the position of the government that it is still working perfectly. What?! This is outrageous! I'm gonna go directly over your head! I demand an audience with the king! Mr. Stubbs, the hud board of review is booked solid for the next 8 weeks. 8 weeks? Oh, really. Well, tell you what,'m gonna just leave this... aah! Here until then. How about that? Ok, ok, you win. I'll buzz you right in. Yeah, I thought so. Thank you very much, and have a ne day. [Buzzer] Ahem-hem! Members of the review board, all I ask for today is a water filter for our projects, and what does this little part cost? 39 cents. That's right. Just 2 bits, 1/10 dollar. Now, 39 cents may not buy much in your highfalutin world of $20 words and $10 suits, but for my people, it buys hope.  Hope that our government respects us enough to treat us like human beings. That's not too much to ask for, is it? 'Cause if it is too much to ask for, we'll just settle for some more cheese. I thank you. Hud chairman: Thank you, mr. Stubbs. The thanks are all yours, your grace. Well said, sir. I don't think any further deliberation is necessary. Gentlemen? Next. Next. Next. Next. Very good. [Shouting] Next! [Buzzer] Ut! Can you believe that? What kind of verdict did you expect from an all-white jury? See, the man wants us to use his dirty water, because he knows the clean brother gets the job. You really got one tune you play, don't you, jimmy? Well, I'm not bathing in that junk! Hmpf! It'll be the first time the water was filthy before you got in, huh, sanchez? Ha ha ha! Kiss my ass, mrs. Avery. Whoo...big man. Hey, now, please, let's not attack each other. Remember who the common enemy is! Hud! We have got to figure out a way to have our voices heard and to get some clean water! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Let's teach them hud-suckers to fool around with the hilton-jacobs! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Calm down! Now, everyone, I know we have a legitimate grievance, but let's maintain our composure and dignity before we get all fired up and-- muriel's right! Let's burn hud down! Yeah, let's burn it down! All, chanting: Burn hud down! Burn hud down! Stop! That's not what I meant! Burn hud down! Listen to me! Muriel, you stay home. A hothead like you is only gonna get us in trouble. Now, what I'm sayin', I'm strappin' 'em, packin' 'em, strappin' ready! Burn hud down! Oh! Ok, now, everybody got some bricks? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah ! All right! And everybody got a buddy? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah ! You can count on me and mrs. Jones! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Ok, then, let's go and have us a riot that we can be proud of! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah ! [Shouting] [Shouting] [Ding] Hud woman: 96! [Ding] 97! [Ding] 98! Aah! I'm ready to die! Give us our clean water! I'm as stank as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! [Chanting] Stank as hell! Stank as hell! Look, even if we wanted to help you, we simply don't have any water filters in stock. Now cee this riot and disperse! Yeah, but we're not leaving this spot till you find one! [Shouting agreement] All right, all right. I'm making arrangements to handle the situation right now. Ha ha! She's shakin' in her booth! Huh! Well, I guess the doctor's office ain't the only place where thurgood stubbs gets positive results. She gonna ve us that filter just as soon as she put on her gas mask. Uh...gas mask? Mm-hmm. [Whirring] What the-- bye. Uh-oh. She got gas, everybody! She got gas, everybody! Hold your breath! It's gas! [Choking] Yup, gas... must hold breath... hm, maybe... shouldn'T...talk. Get them out of here. Thurgood, vo: The choking gas was everywhere, filling my lung. It looked like your humble narrator was about to meet his pitiful end, when suddenly, I saw them. The filters. They'd lied to us. And why? Because a 39-cent part was worth much more to them than human lives. It was then that I realized that violence was not the answer. Robbery was. And then, like a public school, everything went black. [ Exhaling ] Walter: I don't know, fellas. You're talking about breaking into a federal building. Walter, you don't understand. We'd be robbin' hud, stealing from the bitch to give to the poor! Uhh, I don't know. Come on, walter, we need that water. Bebe and i haven't had a bath in 3 days. And if this goes on much longer, I'll miss mine, too. You got to help us, walter. Hm. Hm. Ok, I'll do it. Guess it's time to call in the "a" team. Thurgood: This is the "a" team? Uh, the "a" team had a previous engagement. The "b" team? Let's just say they're in the first half of the alphabet and leave it at that. Gentlemen, say hello to mrs. Avery, a second-story man blessed with the agility of a spider. I'm double-jointed. [Crack] Oh! Ow! Oh! But I got arthritis in both. Sanchez... A.K.A. The gadget man. Wow! What's that thing do? It takes the place of my vocal cords, and it makes it possible for me to speak. Hm. Very good. You all know buster. Hey, buster! What's up, buster? Hey! Yeah, well, I'm glad to have buster along, but, uh, ahem! What the hell is he doing here? I'm the expert cracksman. You're a safecracker? Uh...I wouldn't call it "safe." Ok, now, before we go any further, let's review our code names. Buster, you be mr. White. Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown. Mr. High yellow. Very good. Thurgood? Gentlemen, this is our objective: Hud. It's not gonna be easy, but if you do what I say, we can all come back alive. [Typing] Walter: At precisely 9 P.M., Hud closes for the evening. At precisely 9:04, the last employee takes a fax machine and leaves. That's when we make our move. Uniformity is the key. So it's essential that you all dress alike so no one can be identified. Ok, let's move out! Walter: At 9:06, we reach the electrified fence surrounding hud. Ok, smokey, you're up. Show 'em why they call you the electrical whiz! [Unzips, urinates] Yaah! Eeyow! Yaaah-aah! Gee--ow--yeah... thurgood: Good job, smokey! The pleasure was all mine. Walter: At exactly 9:09, you will arrive at the back entrance to hud. At 9:09 and 10 seconds, the guard makes his rounds. Check your watches then, because we'll only have 8 hours until he awakens from his drunken stupor. [Burps] Then we home free, right? I'm afraid not. If any of these laser beams are tripped, a diabolical series of excruciating and highly improbable booby traps will be triggered. Um, just leave it to me. I didn't escape the cook county women's work farm 6 times for nothing! [Click] But whatever you do, don't step on the black tiles. They're booby trapped. You go, black tiles! Sanchez. Bingo. Easy as giving a ride to a runaway. Here's our water filter. Let's get outta here. Let's snatch 2. Really stick it to 'em, right, super? Super? Is that what I think it is? You better believe it. 100% pure grade a white. Walter: Toilet paper! Holy sheets! It's primo stuff, all right. A street value of $1.89--easy! It's beautiful. Say, uh...what is this stuff, anyway? It's ours. The line forms here! Wait! Shouldn't we stop and think about this before we do something rash? It's the rash what's making me take it! Hey, we got every right to steal this! Taking the water filter was one thing. But this is just pure greed. We don't need this stuff. We're doing just fine with our phone books and pizza hut flyers. Do we really wanna sink this low? I do! I do! I do it all the time! Ha ha ha ha! Aw, what the hell? You only suffer through life once. [Excited chatter] I can't wait to use mine! I'm gonna run right home and cut myself shaving! Mm-mm. Not me. I'm gonna bury it in a hole so nobody can steal it. This is one sweet job to retire on. I'm sure gonna miss workin' with you guys. Don't be a stranger, buster. We wanna watch that new son of yours grow up. When we get home, we're gonna have one helluva celebration! Well, why should we wait till we get home? Thurgood, don't pick that up! Wha--what? Ut! Aah! Buster! No-o-o-o! We gotta get outta here! [Siren] Run! [Siren] Ok. That was a close one. But we not outta the woods yet. I'm going back for buster! He's dead, jim! Let it go! Listen to me. We'll be home free if we keep our heads! We gonna split up, we gonna go our separate ways, and we gonna act natural. Nobody do anything to call attention to yourself. We'll all meet back at the projects. Dup, dup, dup, dup, dup, dup, dup, dup, dup. Vo: By the next morning, I had the new water filter installed, and I could go back to business as usual. Think fast, k y! Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha! Yep. Life was lookin' up. Or was it? Newsman: In response to last night's daring raid on hud, police are harassing black men all over the city. Authorities are confident they will soon arrest the perpetrators-- or at least somebody who's not where they're supposed to be. Oh, goody, this is horrible!  Did you see any suspicious people when you picked up the water filter last night? Uh...just buster. Citizens are asked to call the police if they see anyone resembling tse composite sketches of the gang. Muriel, you look lovely today! Whew! Reporter: And the gang's leader. Ut! [Gunshot] What was that? Just a gunshot. Now relax, thurgood. My crew is professional. They're not gonna talk. Hell--most of 'em can barely write! But my picture was on tv, walter! What if they got something else on me, like my dna?! Then we hire mr. Johnny and book a room for the victory party. I'm scared, walter. I'm too pretty for jail. Thurgood, calm down. There's not a single shred of evidence connecting you to this crime! Sanchez! What the hell are you doing? Finally, I have something castro doesn't have! Iviva la liberacion! Sanchez, put that away before you get us all arrested! Yeah! Ain't you got no sense, ricky retardo! [Arf arf] That's right. It's a toilet paper doggie sweater. I'm old. I don't have to explain myself. Give me that! Look, I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I do not intend to spend my golden year rotting in a prison. From now on, this T.P. Has got to be on the dl! You use it strictly on a need-to-wipe basis! You understand me?! Hey... lookin' good, super-ply! [Moans] Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. They got nothin' on you. You innocent. You innocent. Well, you appear to be innocent. What the--aah! Aah! Aah! Whoo! Muriel...I got a confession to make. Vo: So I told her everything, how a simple plan to get a walter filter turned into a cesspool of madness that was clogged with greed. I needed a plunger big enough to set things right. That plunger was muriel. Muriel...you're the only sane one left, and I need your help. What could possibly make you do such a thing? I don't know, muriel. I was just mad at them for not giving us anything. I couldn't resist! I was weak! Don't look at me! Is that the stolen paper? Oh! Oh, my! It's-- so smooth and cottony soft! Oh! Oh--it--oh-- it's like a pillow from heaven! I would definitely choose that over the leading brand. Muriel, what are you saying? We can't keep this! Don't you want me to have nice things? Woman, get a hold of yourself! Vo: That did it. If muriel could be seduced by the soft side, I knew it wouldn't be long before our secret was out and I'd be doing hard time. I had 2 options: 1, turn myself in and face the consequences. Or 2, destroy all the evidence. It would be painful, and I knew it might take all day, but I knew that I had to do number 2. [Toilet flushes] What a relief. I felt 10 pounds lighter. Cut covering up the rest of this paper trail wouldn't be so easy. [Gun cocks] [Gunshot] [Muffled mumbling] I got it all, but now I had to get rid of it. I realized that burning that toilet paper from hell would be my fastest way to salvation. Doing something, super? I tell you what I'm not gonna do! I'm not going to county jail-- that's what! Then I guess you'll be going to county hospital. Kill him! How can you do this? I'm your friend! Leave him alone! Muriel, thank god you're here! Please, don't hurt goody. He can be persuaded in other ways. [Gasps] Not you, too! Don't fight it, thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us. The lady's smart, thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white cloud, and nobody gets hurt but you. Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man,  not for honor, not for freedom-- not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for...this! He's got our toilet paper! Kill him! Yeah! Yeah! Woman, on loudspeaker: This is the federal government! You are surrounded! Place the evidence one at a time on the bar so it unspools frontwards. I repeat--frontwards! Sorry, but you're a little late. According to my watch, it's T.P. Time.  No-o-o-o! No-o-o-o-o-o! [Splat] Oh! Vo: Well, this is where we came in, wasn't it? Pretty exciting, huh? Up until the last part. Aah! Things had a strange way of working out. No sooner had I regained consciousness than I had a visitor. Mr. Stubbs. I'm alfred sauer, chairman of the hud board of review. Look, I'm sorry about the toilet paper-- no, it is i who am sorry-- sorry of the behavior of my agency that drove you to such insane actions! Oh, here. Let me help you with that. This entire incident and the public embarrassment it's caused has made me realize that hud's 35-year policy of depriving people in the projects of their basic human necessities-- while admirable in theory-- was perhaps a bit short-sighted, not to mention illegal. Yeah, it was a real horror show. How about some of them lima beans? Of course. And to thank you for not speaking to the press or seeking damages against us, we are going to upgrade your service. From now on, instead of getting one master water filter a year, your building will get 2-- every 36 months! All right! Now you're talkin'! [Luther vandross sings] Vo: So it all ended happily, my brothers. And I drifted back to sleep to the sounds of my beloved luther van. [Music plays]