Drinking gatorade
Once upon a time
in the projects...
 pjs 
 projects 
low-rent high-rise,
y'all.
 Pjs 
oh, yeah.
 Projects 
 livin' in
the pjs 
  holdin' down
 a cardboard condo 
 homeboy in
a homemade bungalow 
 in the middle at
the end of a dead-end
one-way street 
 ya ya ya ya,
ya ya ya 
 livin' in the pjs 
 ohhhhh 
 pjs 
captioning made possible by
touchstone television
and fox broadcasting
[Electric bass playing]
Heh. So give it up.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Man, that's the quiet storm.
Walter, that is
one nasty bass line.
Eat your heart out,
beginning of barney miller.
So, thurgood,
you feel inspired
to write some of your
smooth daddy lyrics?
Hey, we a songwriting team,
ain't we?
Just like rogers
and hammer-time.
Ha ha, yeah.
You boys are
playin' so hard,
I thought you might want
a little ice cream
to cool you down.
Well, all right,
that's what I'm talking
about, muriel, yeah.
[Imitating
martin luther king, jr.]
I'll have a dream-sicle!
[Laughing]
Mm-hmm, yeah, that's good.
I know this is gonna
hit the spot.
Aah!
Thurgood, is that
tooth of yours
actin' up again?
No.
I told you,
you need to go
see a dentist.
And I told you
that dentists are
for sissy boys.
I mean, think
about it, muriel.
Who are the toughest,
most rugged,
macho men on earth?
The british.
And do they go
to the dentist? Rarely.
 And if the british
 don't go,
then I ain't goin'
to the dentist neither.
How's tuesday at 9:00?
Aah! Ohh...
better make it 8:00.
All righty, mr. Stubbs,
let's open wide,
shall we?
Yeah, ha. Eww. Eh--
great caesar's ghost,
you never get used to that.
Nurse, clamp.
[Nasally]
Much better.
Nurse:
Doctor, stop!
He's got H.U.D.
Dental insurance.
H.U.D. Insurance?
Why don't you
just try and pay me
in beaver pelts?
Get out.
Oh...oh.
Boy, that really
chapped my ass.
After all you've
done for H.U.D.,
They should take
care of you.
It just
ain't right.
Dentists are whack.
You notice whenever
a black tooth moves
into the neighborhood,
they yank it right out.
You know,
I just had a thought.
If I arrange a way
for you to land in jail,
then you'll be entitled
to receive free
dental care.
Prisoners get
free dental care?
Sure. It's one
of the essential
civil rights 
they guarantee
those filthy animals.
Well, that's just crazy.
I ain't purposely
going to jail.
And besides,
it's opening weekend
for arena football.
You'll only be in
a couple of days.
Look, those prison dentists
do pretty good work.
Here, I'll show you.
Smokey.
Uhh...ohh.
Heh heh, smokey,
show thurgood what they
did to you in lockup.
Ok, but it may be
too intense for
younger viewers.
No, no, not that.
Show him your teeth.
Oh, ok.
Thurgood: Wow, look at
them pearl bailey whites.
All right, now, thurgood,
check this out.
Mr. Ko, down at
the 99-cent liquor store,
owes me a favor.
Suppose I get him
to accuse you
of shoplifting
a bottle of rum.
You spend a day in jail
and get your tooth
all fixed up.
Then my friend
drops the charges,
quwi
you'll be out
that revolving door.
Aah!
Mr. Ko: You come back here,
I kill you!
[Gunshots]
Aah!
Aah!
Nice work, ko.
Mr. Ko: Yeah, whatever.
Now we even.
You leave me alone!
So, what you in for?
Triple murder.
You?
Root canal.
Dang!
They lockin' up brothers
for anything these days.
Ok, stubbs,
it's time.
All right,
I'm goin' to the chair.
Dang! I'll be
praying for you, dawg.
Ok, let me just wash my hands.
Oh, screw it.
Hey, wait,
I know you.
Oops, you caught me.
Heh heh,
yes, I moonlight
here in prison.
It's my way of giving
something back to
the community.
Plus they allow me
to perform certain
experimental procedures
that the A.D.A.
Wouldn't approve.
Now, just open
your mouth,
relax,
don't fight it.
I'll be done
before you know it.
Ha ha, listen to me.
I sound like a guard.
[Laughs]
Well, you have to pump
this gas up, doc.
I don't feel nothin'.
It's just like I'm-
[Snoring]
[Whistling]
Hi, honey.
How'd it go
in prison?
Did they fix
your tooth?
You tell me.
Mmm...
ah--ee--I--uh--
help! Get him off!
Get him off!
Mwah! Mmm!
Ut!
Well, mr. Stubbs, the owner
of that liquor store
dropped the charges.
But during your 2 hours
of incarceration,
you managed to brutally
assault the prison dentist.
I have no choice but to
sentence you to 30 days.
What? 30 days?
 I can't do
 no 30 days,
I'll miss the first
and the 15th.
Don't you care about
my welfare?
Walter,
help me, please.
This will just
take a minute.
Uh, well, it seems
that what I meant to say
was I sentence you
to 60--
40 hours
of community service--
and place you on parole
to be personally supervised
by officer burkett.
You the man.
You're bad. You bad--
shh. Shh. Quiet.
I'll expect a report
in 30 days.
Court dismissed.
Now we're even.
You leave me and
my family alone.
That went well.

[Snoring]
Walter: Thurgood.
Thurgood, wake up!
What--what?
Walter?
8 A.M.?!
Man, what's the idea
of waking me up in
the middle of the night?
You have community
service today.
Come on, get up.
You gotta pay
your debt to society.
Yeah, well, tell society
to get in line behind
sears and discover.
You must be crazy.
I'm goin' back to sleep.
[Mumbling]
Done gone messed me up.
Oh, come on, man,
I'm serious.
Didn't you hear
what the judge said?
Well, sure, I heard,
but there ain't no judges
out here, walter.
It's just me and you,
all right?
No need to dance
for the man.
I don't think
you understand.
This is my job.
I take it
very seriously.
 Now I got a whole
 trash detail outside,
and I need every one
of my probationers
present and
accounted for.
Do I make myself clear?
, Watchin' over ya.

Don't you sweat it.
I'm gonna make y
look good, all right?
All right, it's all good.
One love.
[Snoring]
Ow!
Thurgood...now.

[Band playing rock music]
Mmm! Ain't
nothin' like jammin'
to work up a thirst.
Jimmy, toss me a 40.
Oh, no, you don'T.
Huh?
Hey, what gives?
Parolees can't drink,
gamble,
or associate
with known criminals.
You know that.
No!
Uh! Come back,
my pretties!
Hey, are we gonna
play or what?
[Muttering]
[Watch beeps]
Oops.
Sorry, thurgood.
It's time four
court-mandated urine test.
What? Mandatory
urine test?
Ha! You have got to be
telling me a joke.
No, sir, I'm always
serious about pee-pee.
Now aim for the cup.
All right, walter, listen,
we just kickin' back here.
Would you cut out
this parole crap?
I hope you ain't plannin'
on acting like this
this sunday at
the arena football game.
What arena
football game?
You know,
the season opener.
Our very own
tri-city nuance
is playing
the san francisco treat.
Yeah? Well,
I got a treat for you.
*You're gonna be
finishing your community
service on sunday.
Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened here?
This all started with you
telling me to trust you
and that everything
was gonna be fine,

that I'd get my tooth fixed
and get off scot-free!
Sure, that was the plan,
but that was before
you went ike turner
on that dentist.
That wasn't my fault,
I was whacked-out on drugs.
Now, look, I've been
real patient with this
parole crap up to now,
mainly as a favor to you.
But now you're
gonna do me a favor
let me out
a day early.
No!
Now, drop 'em, and
give me 20 milliliters.
[Grumbling]
It just won't seem
like arena football
without thurgood
throwing up next to us.
Hey, wait for me!
Don't you all go to the game
without the number-one fan
of the tri-city nuance.
Walter said
you can't go.
The hell I can'T.
Look, there ain't
no force in heaven or hell
that's gonna keep me from
seeing lou ferrigno score
his 100th career side-punt.
But walter said--
forget all about walter.
I forgot about him.
Don't worry, I got a plan.
Hey, smokey.
Smokey!
How would you like
to earn 5 bucks?
Walter! Walter!
It's terrible!
Thurgood got hit
with a flame-thrower!
[Crying]
What?!
He was cleaning graffiti
off a wall,
you know, to fulfill
his community service.
When some gang members
fried him!
It was horrible.
You think
he smelled bad before...
oh, my god.
My friend.
I've got to go to him.
What hospital
is he in?
Uh, well...
he's not exactly
in a hospital.
[Heart monitor beeping]
Hey, old friend.
How--how's it goin'?
[Muffled groans]
I am so sorry
this happened,
thurgood.
I can't help but feel
somehow responsible.

 I want you to know if
 there's anything I can do--
[Moans]
What?
[Moans]
Oh--
oh, I see.
You need some morphine?
Ohh...
there.
Does that feel better?
[Muffled speech]
More?
Ok.
[Groaning]
Wow. You must
really be in pain.
Uh-huh...
hey, I know what
you would like.
How about a little
arena football to
lift your spirits?
Let's see if you
can get channel 69.
There we go.
Boy, I guess if I'd
let you go to that game,
none of this
would have happened.
You would have
been there right now,
havin' fun,
like that guy.
7th and 10, do it again!
7th and 10, do it again!
What the--
um, uh...ut.
This might just be
the morphine talking,
but...can I have
some more morphine?
Announcer: And now it's time
to announce today's
lucky winner
of the toyota 4x4
giveaway.
And the lucky winner is...

section 26,
seat number 314.
Yay! I won--
now, walter, 
take it easy.
I can explain.
See,
I'm not thurgood.
Shut your hole,
meat-sock.
You're in violation
of your parole.
Thurgood,
why do you insist
on pushing me
into that place
I really don't
want to go?
It's such a dark,
cold place.
Me pushing you?
You're the one that's
been riding me all week.
That's because,
unlike you,
I pride myself
on my job.
Ha! That's a laugh.
You're the most corrupt
probation officer
in the city.
Corrupt?
How can you say that?
Oh, come now,
don't you play
mr. Clean around me.
You have railroaded more
people than amtrak.
Now, all of a sudden,
when it comes to me,
you want to find
your conscience.
Well,
where was it, walter,
stuffed in your trunk
with a garbage bag
wrapped around its head?
Ok, thurgood, it's true.
You know,
when I was a cop,
I saw that
the justice system
didn't always work.
Sometimes it needed
a little help from me.
But when I voluntarily
accepted forced retirement,
I went over to
the penal system
where things do work.
So I ain't into
clearing the losers
off the streets no more.
Now I make
productive people...
one loser at a time.
Why, you big, fat,
4-eyed, self-righteous,
bag-of-wind fat boy!
I violated my parole.
Yeah, I violated it,
walter, so what?
I violated it, big deal!
I violated it, what ya
gonna do, ground me?
Welcome to house arrest.
[Door slams closed]

Whoa, super, cool
house-arrest bracelet.
Yeah, that's
the bro-jack 5000.
Oh, you must
have been bad!
Well, take a last look
at it, boys,
because it's comin' off.
Bro-jack ain't no match
for my kfc spork.
Oh!
[Groans]
Forget this.
I got important stuff to do.
I'll be down
at coogan's pub.
Super, you
better be careful.
You know what officer
burkett said about
leaving this area.
Oh, yeah,
I'm real scared,
'cause I'm steppin' over
some invisible line.
I don't even
know where the line is,
and the big, old, bad cops,
they're gonna come and get me.
Oh!
[Beeping]
Heh? What? Uh--
aah!
What the hell's
goin' on? Oh! Oh!
Calvin:
Super! Super!
What?
You've got to step back
over the line.
Hurry!
Oh! Oh, oh...
ooh.
Ooh, what the hell was that?
The bro-jack 5000 shocks
you if you step outside
the perimeter.
Pretty cool, huh?
No, this is ridiculous.
How am I supposed to know
where the stupid line is?
[Siren]
[Tires screech]
Thank you.
Uhh!
Have
a nice day.
Ohh!
[Car door slams]
[Tires squeal]
Well, now I know
where the line is.
Oh, if I spend another day
in this damn house,
I'll go crazy.
 I'm so bored,
 I could read.
Just try to make
the best of it, goody.
How? Walter
won't let me drink.
He won't let me
go to the track.
 He won't even
 let me play craps
because the guy
who runs the game
is a convicted
con man, muriel.
Those aren't necessarily
bad suggestions.
How can you support him?
He's completely
out of control.
Thurgood,
walter's your friend.
He's just doing his job.
No friend of mine
would have a job.
He's a monster!
He's frankenberry,
booberry,
and count chocula
all rolled into
one sweet-tasting
cereal of hate...
with evil
marshmallows, muriel,
evil marshmallows!
And you know what else?
It's time the whole
world knew it.
[Rap song playing]
[Humming]
Oh, dear, it appears
I have dropped a can
of cling peaches
that I was about
to donate to the poorer.
I must pick it up,
so that others may eat.
[Beeping]
Oh, my stars,
I believe I am a scofflaw.
[Siren]
How many times have I got
to tell you not to leave
the confinement zone?
Now what am I gonna
do with you?
I'll be good, boss.
Just don't put me back
in that box, please.
Please, please, boss!
Please, not the box.
Lord, lord, lord, no!
Knock it off, thurgood.
Aah!
Uhh!
Help!
Police brutality.
Somebody, please,
do something.
Why are you persecuting
this poor man?
He wasn't doing anything.
People call me a pig,
you're the pig.
[Oinking]
I'm not a pig! What's
wrong with you people?
What do you mean,
"you people"?
Hey, hey,
hey, hey.
I baby-sat
for some of you.
 I even changed
 your diapers.
Yeah, and you stuck me
3 times, you sadist!
Now beat it!
Yeah, fascisto!
I spit on you!
Oh, sorry, thurgood.
All right, thurgood,
if this is the way you
want to play it, fine.
What do we do, super?
What do you do any time
you see one of your own
being hassled by the man?
Uhh!
Now you're gonna
learn your lesson.
Tell me you're gettin'
this, juicy, tell me.
I'm gettin' it.
Baby, call the networks.
Tell 'em we got the next
rodney king video.
 Y, walter.

'Cause once
these tapes get out,
you can kiss
your job good-bye.
What?
Now, hold on, everyone.
This is all by the book.
Tell it to your
cellmate, stacy koon.
You know I'm just
doin' my job here,
right?
Sure, sure, we know.
Here, hold this.
Good!
Ok, here's
your motivation:
Super's just stolen your
crack, and you're angry!
You hate him.
Feel that rage
growing inside you...
and...action!
Unh...unh!
Go nicotine on him,
thurgood.
Rip his throat out!
Look out, thurgood!
He's got your plunger!
Don't roll over!
No! I said don't--
uhh!
Ohh!
[Grunting]
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah--
aah--
bailiff: This heavenly
court is now in session.
Judge lawrence H. God
presiding.
Step forward and
speak your name.
Thurgood stubbs,
your cleanliness.
Welcome to heaven,
mr. Stubb.
Um, that's stubbs.
Oh, stubbs.
Stubbs, stubbs...
you are sentenced
to the lake of fire.
Ut!
God: Walter, you can
head on up to heaven.
Heh heh heh.
What?
But he's corrupt.
How come he gets
to go to heaven?
Sorry, I don't
make the rules.
Now go to hell!
[Laughing]
Oh, that never
gets old. Go!
Ok, all right,
I'm goin'.
Uh, could I have
a word with ya, larry?
Uh, lord-ara.
This lake-of-fire thing
seems a little on
the harsh side.
Couldn't you bend the rules
a little for him?
God: You didn't bend
the rules for him,
why should I?
God: Stubbs,
you can go to heaven.
Ok, walter, now we're even.
You leave me alone.
Walter, you--
you saved me
from hell?
Well, I guess I was
being too harsh on you
during your parole,
and maybe I went
a little too far
with that plunger.
[Angelic music plays]
Look, walter, I'm sorry
I called you corrupt.
Forget about it,
thurgood.
Hey, what do you say
we go find wilt the stilt?
I bet he's got
some fine-lookin'
angels with him.
[Electrical buzzing]
I think
he's coming around.
Thurgood's still gone.
I'm trying again.
[Coughing]
Hey, how'd we
end up in hell?
We ain't in hell.
We're home.
We're alive!
Oh, thurgood,
let's never kill
each other again.
 I love you, man.
I love all of you.
I love life.
Sanchez,
you kiss me again,
and I'll kill you.
Now give me back
my gum.
[Arena football on tv]
Announcer:
...Reverse hand off to mandell.
Mandell throws across
to wilmore.
At the 5, the 10...
now, wait a minute.
How come that guy's
running backwards?
Hey, this is
arena football.
Didn't you ever hear
of a 4-point conversion?
Oh.
Thurgood, I'm your best
friend again, right?
Right.
Arena football sucks.
Captioning made possible by
touchstone television
and fox broadcasting