-- T h e P J s -- Title: Operation Gumbo Drop Season 1, episode 10 Aired: Tuesday, April 13, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood uses dirty tricks to win a barbcue in a contest. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Radio DJ: Oh, yeah, we got a little something special from the PJs soundtrack. This is Rafael Saadiq and Q-Tip on Hollywood Records. Get Involved. Song: S-A-double-D-I-Q Yogi wanna get involved with you Mr. S-A-double-D-I-Q Yogi wanna get... Thurgood: [Humming] Hah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, rich. Ahh. Chocolate milk. Muriel? What are all these women doin' in here? Muriel: It's a special meeting of Women United To Save Our Projects. W.U.T.S.O.P. Thurgood: But, Muriel, it's Saturday, the one day I get to goof off on my own time. Muriel: We're planning our first annual projects week. Isn't that wonderful, Thurgood? Thurgood: Projects week? Now, how long is that gonna last? Murial: Thurgood, it's seven days of community events celebrating the richness and beauty of the projects. Thurgood: Borin'. Haiti Lady: I think we should have a talent show. Thurgood: [Snore] You hear me snoring over here, don't you? Muriel: Now, I thought I'd capture the week's festivities on tape, kind of like a video journal. Bebe: Jimmy and I got a video camera you can use. Just mount it back on our ceiling when you're done. Muriel: Uh, ok. And of course, the whole week will culminate with the projects-wide gumbo cookoff. Thurgood: Didn't I tell y'all to stop flappin' your-- gumbo?! Hey, sign me up. Everybody knows my stock rocks, my chicken is kickin', and my shiz-rimp is the shiz-nit! Muriel: And no one can touch your spicy sausage. Thurgood: Yeah. Especially with my crabs all over it. Finally, it's gonna be proven once and for all that I am the greatest gumbo chef in all the projects. At last, a peaceful end to this bitter east coast-west coast gumbo war. Stew-Pac, you did not die in vain. Muriel: And, Goody, look what first prize is-- the Gumbotron 3000. Thurgood: The Gumbotron 3000?! Muriel, that's the gumbo pot the astronauts use! [Singing operatic aria beautifully] Thurgood: Shut up, you old bag of dust! Mrs. Avery: I'm practicin' for the talent show, so leave me alone... [Sexily] unless you're one of the judges. Thurgood: Now I really need that pot-- to throw up in. Thurgood: Hey, boys, get a whiff of this pot. Don't Bogart it, Juicy. Let Calvin have a sniff. [Sniff] Thurgood: There. What'd you think? Calvin: Smooth. [Cough] Thurgood: Yeah, makes you hungry, don't it? Give you the munchies, don't it? Juicy: Hey, Super, what's this? Thurgood: Don't play with that baster, boy. That's the secret to my gumbo. I baste my meat first. Juicy: It looks like the mop you use to mop up the toilet water. Thurgood: Yeah, that's right. But remember, they're not interchangeable. Three days in intensive care taught me that. Calvin: Hey, Super, can we help? Thurgood: No. That's best left to master basters like myself. Calvin & Juicy: Aw. Thurgood: Now run along, run along. I don't want y'all watchin' me. [Drilling, hammering] Muriel: Now, people, this is only a dress rehearsal. On opening night, you'll have to remember to hold for laughter, applause-- [gunshots] Muriel: And very rude people. Ok, Calvin, you're on. Calvin: I am the downward spiral... of poverty. Juicy: I am Lyndon Baines Johnson. With Kennedy at long last out of the way, I can finally build housing projects to centralize America's poor and disenfranchised. Let me help you get on your feet. [Muffled moans] Muriel: Mrs. Avery, if you can't remember your part, just say, "line." Mrs.Avery: Line, line, line... of the United States of America. Muriel: Ok. Let's break for lunch. Mrs. Avery: I'm carrying this show. Thurgood: Ok, everybody, it's time to sample my soon-to-be prize-winning entry in the cookoff-- uncle Thurgy's real old-time down-home store-bought-style pure premium gumbo from concentrate. Muriel: It's delicious, Goody, just like always. Bebe: It's the only thing you do right. Thurgood: Well, I thank you very much. Hiati Lady: I bet de devil himself couldn't make a better gumbo. Thurgood: You think so? Haity Lady: I could ask. Mrs. Avery: Mm. I got to know your recipe. Thurgood: No, no. I don't think so. It's top-secret. Mrs. Avery: Is there cayenne pepper in it? Thurgood: I just told you I can't tell you. Mrs. Avery: You'd better tell me. Cayenne pepper gives me a ssstroke. [Choking] Thurgood: Well, thanks, Mrs. Avery. Now everybody knows there's cayenne in it. But that's all you gonna get outta me. That recipe is safely locked away up here, and, trust me, nothin' ever gets in or out. And if anybody ever found out about my recipe, I'd have to kill 'em. Juicy: Tomato, onion, garlic, celery, bacon grease-- [smacks lips] More bacon grease, and worcestershire sauce-- Lea & Perrin's 1985, I should think. [Smack smack smack] Thurgood: Muriel, get my gun. Muriel: Thurgood, no. Thurgood: But, Muriel, that's my secret recipe that boy's recitin'. How do you know what's in it? Juicy: I don't know. I can just taste it. But it seems to be missing something, don't you think? Thurgood: No, I do not think. Juicy: Oh, I know. It needs some bay leaves-- three bay leaves. Thurgood: Hey! Get away from my gumbo. Juicy: Silence! Ah. [Smack smack] Yeah. Much better. [Laughin Tom Hulce in Amadeus] Some apple cider vinegar, [Thurgood's muffled yelps] Juicy: A little lemon zest... Thurgood: What kind of-- a chocolate bar? You're destroying it! Juicy: Mm. Yeah. That's much more complex on the palate. Try it. I think you'll find it insouciant without being rechercheé. Bebe: This is the tastiest thing I've had in my mouth all day. Uh, well... Jimmy: Hey, right back at ya. Muriel: Thurgood, it's really exceptional. Mm! You should try it. Thurgood: All right, I'll try it. But I gotta warn y'all, I have the refined taste of an aristocat. Ah, I've had better. [Slavering] Oh, Lord, it's like there's a house party in my mouth. What are y'all lookin' at? Haiti Lady: It would be a sin against all that is unholy if you don't enter the contest and crush the Super-- crush him like the bug he is. Muriel: You know, you really should. Thurgood: Muriel! Muriel: Well, he's very talented. Juicy: Wow. Isn't this great, Super? We're gonna be in the cookoff together, you and me, side by side. May the best gumbo win. Thurgood: Yeah, like you got a chance. ================================================================================ Thurgood: All right. First, some hot sauce. Gotta have lots of hot sauce. Now a spoonful of peanut butter. Wait. Make it Jif, 'cause I'm a choosy mother. There. Uh-huh. Ok. There we go. See there, Thurgood? If you put your mind to it, you can beat a 10-year-old boy. And now for the taste. Auggh! It burns! Lord, it burns! It's sticking to the roof of my mouth! God, why--why do you torment me so? Muriel: And so, to continnue the metaphore, if the projects are a living, breathing body, then, truly, the superintendent is its brain stem. [Clank clank] Thurgood: Aah! Muriel: There goes my image award. The sink, Thurgood-- run your hair under the water. Thurgood: I can't! It's a grease fire! Why ain't you helpin' me?! Muriel: I'm a documentary filmmaker. I can't get involved with my subject. Thurgood: I'm dyin', Muriel! I'm dyin'! Muriel: Oh, ok. Thurgood: Oh! Oh, damn! Augh! Muriel: OK. It's out. It's out. Thurgood: Oh! Whew! Thanks, Muriel. Hey, where'd you-- where'd you get that thing? Muriel: It's a fire extinguisher. We have them on every wall, you know. Thurgood: Oh, is that what that is? I thought those were jet packs for the upcoming race war. Muriel: I think I'm gonna shut this camera off now. Thurgood: OK, Thurgood, you gotta start from scratch. Forget everything you know. That shouldn't be too hard. Now, I must be one with the gumbo. You are the gumbo. You are the gumbo. Oh, I ain't no gumbo. This is crusty, smelly, full of malt liquor, and this gumbo is stupid. Well, I know, if I'm having this much trouble, Juicy got to be having as much trouble, too. [Mozart symphony plays] Thurgood: [gasp] So graceful, so effortless. God, he's beautiful. I must destroy him. I know what I'll do. I'll psych him out. Juicy: Oh. Hi, Super. Thurgood: Stop it! Your mind games won't work on me. Juicy: What? Thurgood: Uh, oh. Nothin', nothin'. Juicy: Did you come up to help me? Thurgood: I think I helped you enough when I gave you my recipe to use against me. Juicy: It will mean a lot to me to have your opinion. Thurgood: Of course it would. Remember, I've tasted the best gumbos that money and food stamps can buy, and it takes a lot to impress-- holy Mary Wilson, mother of Motown! Juicy: What's wrong, Super? Thurgood: Hmm? Oh, it must be the onion. Juicy: There's no onion in there. Can't you tell just by tasting it? Thurgood: No, I can't, you freak! Juicy: What? Thurgood: You think you're so smart, in' up here all alone in your Keenen Ivory tower. But wait till the contest when everybody's watching you, betting on you to fail. That's when you really start to sweat 'cause you can't handle the pressure of knowin' that if you fail at this, you'll have to return to a dead-end life of plunging toilets and-- oh, God. [Hurl] Oh, great. Now I got to clean that up. Juicy: You ok, Super? Thurgood: Like I was sayin', you gotta have nerves of steel. Juicy: Well, I'm just gonna try to have fun. But there is one part of the contest I am worried about. Thurgood: Really? What's that? Juicy: The artistic interpretation. I think it's my weakest category. Thurgood: [Hurl] You know the worst part, Muriel? Juicy's gumbo tastes just as good coming up as it does going down. Muriel: I think you're taking this contest too seriously, Thurgood. Projects week is supposed to be fun. Thurgood: Muriel, I can't lose this contest. My gumbo is the only reason folks respect me. When the people of this project thinks of gumbo, they think of me, because Thurgood Stubbs means gumbo. Don't you see? I'm gumbo, damn it! Gumbo's my passion, Muriel. Gumbo's my only love. Muriel: Now, Thurgood, i'm sure if you think about it, there's something else you love. Thurgood: Muriel, I don't want a 40. I just threw up. Muiriel: Oh, I'll get you a glass of water. Thurgood: Muriel, you're so good to me. That's why I like you. Thurgood: Gumbo... Juicy... Oh, I can't sleep. Must get mind off Juicy. So upset, can't use pronouns. Maybe I'll just watch my happy tape. [on TV] Woman: We the jury, in the case of the people vs. Orenthal James Simpson, find the defendant not-- Muriel: Hi. It's Muriel Stubbs, and this is projects week. Thurgood: Muriel taped over my tape?! Is there no justice in this world? Maybe she didn't tape over Mr. Johnnie inciting the crowd. Muriel: Here we are at the most beautiful part of the projects-- the roof, with its majestic sewer-gas release pipe and broken air conditioner. Oh, and there's Juicy working on his secret gumbo recipe. Thurgood: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Stop the bronco. If I watch this tape, I'll find out what's in Juicy's stock. Then I can improve upon it and beat him at his own game. Wait a minute. What am I saying? That's cheating-- like looking at the other team's play book. Thurgood, you better have yourself a talk with the man in the mirror, and you'd better be brutally honest. Thurgood: Hello, handsome. Now, what should I do? Reflection: Put that damn tape in already. Thurgood: Ok. You get the popcorn. Reflection: I'm a reflection, idiot. Thurgood: Not no more. Thurgood: Ok. He fires two shots of tabasco and then another shot from behind the greasy bowl. [Tape rewinds] Back and to the left. Back and to the left. What is it? Wait a minute. Bouillon. Of course. A magic bouillon. Well, Juicy, it seems the rotisserie has turned, because now I have your secret ingredient. And I'm gonna win this contest and reclaim my dignity. Reflection: And your sanity. Thurgood: Right. Good-lookin' out. ================================================================================ Thurgood: Hey, Juicy, still makin' that same delicious gumbo? Juicy: You know it, Super. Thurgood: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. [Microphone feedback] Muriel: [Muriel clearing throat] Well, here we are on the final day of projects week, and what a success it's been. I'm happy to report that this week's turnout was well over 80%. Oh, and I also see that crime was down 80%. What a happy coincidence. Now before we begin the cookoff, a brief announcement. There's a lost little girl-- Thurgood: Cookoff! Muriel: Ok. Here's our host Walter Burkett. Walter: Good afternoon and welcome to the first annual Hilton Jacobs gumbo cookoff, sponsored by Ho's Chinese Chow and Chow's Chinese Ho's. An hour later, you'll be hungry for more... And dim sum. Ok. Now let's meet our contestants. Our first contestant should know a thing or two about soul food. He's from Korea. Heh heh. Tell us, Jimmy, do you cook meat by the pound or from the pound? Jimmy: Hey, I told you, I don't eat dog. Walter: Heh heh. Now, now, now. It was just a little racially divisive joke to celebrate our differences. Sanchez: Hola. Walter: Hey, Frito Bandito. Walter: Our next contestant is Smokey. Now, it says here you used to be a human being. Well, how about that? So, what brings you to the contest today? Smokey: You holdin' it in my bedroom. Walter: Next up, we got Juicy Hudson. I've heard a lot of good things about your stock, boy. Is there anything you'd like to say? Juicy: Yeah. I'd like to give a shout out to my cardiologist who gave me a bypass instead of an artificial heart. Yeah. Thanks for keeping it real. Hah. Yeah. Walter: And our last contestant is our own Thurgood-- Thurgood: Will you just start the damn cookoff, please! Walter: Who invented charcoal? Sanchez: Uh...Charo? Walter: Boy, you really are pathetic, aren't you? Sanchez: Hmm. Walter: After nine events, Thurgood Stubbs has a commanding lead. Thurgood: [Chortling] Yeah. Walter: Now we come to the final event, which will count for 97% of the total score. Thurgood: Ut-- Walter: The event, of course, is the actual cooking of the gumbo. Ms. Haiti. Let the flames begin! Walter: Gentlemen, stop lookin' and start cookin'. [Frightened cooing] Walter: And while they get their stewin' done, let's get our viewin' on. [on TV] Muriel: Muriel Max Films presents... When people think of urban housing projects, they think of poverty and despair, but the projects are so much more than that. Don't take my word for it. I think the tenants say it best. What do you like best about the projects? Mrs. Avery: That I'm gonna die soon and get outta here. This place makes me sick! Mrs. Avery My God! Who is that angry, bitter old man? The projects are a wonderful place to live, full of kind-hearted folks like me. Thurgood: Juicy, I just want you to know that this contest is nothing personal, and if I win, I'm gonna still treat you with the same respect I always have. Juicy: Aw, thanks, Super. I'll do the same if I win. Thurgood: If you win? Ha ha ha ha! [Gagging] [coughing] Thanks. Ha ha ha ha! You win? You win? [Hawking] Hoo. You win? Muriel: Now, what do you like best about the projects? Sanchez: The friendships. Ahem. Calvin: Basketball. [Glass breaks] [car alarm sounds] School. Smokey: The shopping. Hiati Lady: The proximity to hell. Juicy: The Super, because he takes care of everybody in the projects. I only entered the contest to be with the Super. He's my best friend. Crowd: Aw. Thurgood: God, he just wanted to be my friend. And here I am plotting against him, when he put his little clogged heart and soul into this contest. Juicy deserves to win. And as Judy is my judge, Juicy will win. But how? I've got the better stock. Reflection: Sabotage it. Thurgood: Huh? Oh, hello, handsome. Reflection: You've got to add something so stank and so terrible and foul that it repels everyone who comes near it. Thurgood: But what? Reflection: Your cologne, Thurgood. Thurgood: Hey, that's a good idea, Thurgood. Thank you. Thurgood: Dum dee dee. [Sniff sniff] [gagging] That's perfect. Ahh. That's the smell of Thurgood-- the smell of defeat. Muriel: If you'd like to learn more about the projects, visit your local library... Soon, if possible. Walter: Now it's time for the judging of the gumbo. Not bad. Mm, not bad. Ew. Bad. Sanchez: !Ay! Walter: Mmm! Oh! Ooh! That's bold and spicy. This tastes as good as the gumbo puttanesca my mama made for my Uncle Johns. Now we have one last contestant. What have you cooked up for us today, Thurgood? Thurgood: [To Mennen jingle] Just a little stew by Thurgood. Take a big bite, Walter. Make sure you get a lot of juice. Walter: With pleasure. [Gag] [coughing] Uh, Thurgood, I'm in a bit of a pickle here. I'd like to announce that your gumbo's good, but it seems to have left me temporarily blind. What should I do? Thurgood: I guess you should say my gumbo is bad. You may also want to induce vomiting and consult your physician. Walter: Uh, ahem, I have an announcement. Thurgood: Uh, Walter the crowd is this way. Walter: Thurgood's stew...blew. [Everyone gasps] Thurgood: Now you'd better announce the winner. Walter: And quick. I'm starting to lose my motor control. And now the moment y'all been waitin' for. The winner of today's contest is... Thurgood: Well, Juicy, I guess the best man won. Walter: Smokey! Thurgood: What?! Walter: Folks, I've got to tell you, this is the best gumbo I've ever tasted. It's downright addictive. I can see! I can see! I also think I can fly. What is your secret-- cracked pepper? Smokey: Mm...Close. Walter: Well, Smokey, let's see what you've won. Smokey: Ooh-ooh, hey! It-it's beautiful. And it's a mobile home. Walter: Well, now, that's just sad. Thurgood: Well, Juicy, I think you should take the Gumbotron. You deserve it. Juicy: Aw, I thought we could share it. Thurgood: Yeah. I guess sharing is the right thing to do, huh? Sanchez: Amigos, can I share, too? Thurgood: Get lost, Sanchez. Can't you see I'm bonding with fatso? [Both laughing] ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy, Steve Tompkins, and Larry Wilmore Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz, Will Vinton, Tom Turpin, Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Consulting Producers: Al Jean, Mike Riess Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Producer: Michael Price Supervising Producer: Bill Freidberger, David Flebotte Produced by: J. Michael Mendel Written by: Bill Freiberger Directed by: John Logue ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================