Once upon a timein the projects... pjs, projects low-rent high rise,y'all pjs, projects ooh, yeah living in the pjs holdingdown a cardboard condo homeboyin a homemade bungalow in the middleor the end of the day there's a one-way street yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah living in the pjs ohh pjs [ Toilet flushes ] Mmm, mmm. Smells great, muriel. Are you baking my favorite cake? Well, thurgood, it is my birthday. Boy, you only know one tune -- "my birthday." "My side of the bed." "My underwear." Now, did you at least get the birthday candles like I asked you? Isn't it enough that I'm throwing you this surprise party tonight? By the way, don't show up till 8:00 or you'll ruin the surprise. Thurgood, were you in the cookie dough earlier? Nope, and you can't prove it. Ut! And he's cleared the grand canyon! Calvin, watch it. You could have ruined my portrait of nula. Man, if you like nula so much, why don't you just go and rap to her? [ Sighs ] How does one rap to an angel? You got to let her know you're a player, a mack, a pimp daddy. Ooh, tell her how you can fit 12 hot dogs in your mouth at the same time. Hmm, I can see I'm just in time. Juicy, you're not going to impress some girl with an enormous amount of wiener. Right -- I've got to be sensitive and caring about her feelings. No, no, no! Women say they want sensitivity, but what they really want is stuff. You've got to give her presents. I think I got it. Check out my flow. Uh, hey, nula. I got you a gift. Where's all the candy? Oh, I ate all that stuff so you could get right to the prize. It's a tattoo. Want me to lick your arm? I want you to buzz off. Oh, okay. You can keep the tattoo. Oh. All: Happy birthday to you happy birthday, muriel. This is a great party,muriel. What are youthanking her for? I did all the work except for the food,decorations, and invitations. Oh, mrs. Avery, it's a picture of you and mein your apartment. Well, it's notjust a picture. It's an alibi. See, I'm holdingtoday's newspaper. If he dies tonight, no jurywould ever convict you. Yeah, that's real funny. You hate me. Ha ha.Real original. Don't worry, muriel. My gift will make upfor all this crap. Muriel: Juicy? Juicy, you only tooktwo pieces of cake. What's wrong, baby? Nula dissed me today. It made me realizeI'll never get a girl. Maybe I'm better offbeing a "confirmed bachelor" like mr. Sanchez. Well, I bet you're justtoo grown up for a girl nula's age. Trust me, juicy,most women like mature men. Hey, muriel,pull my finger. Oh, thurgood. Too late. Don't worryabout nula, juicy. You'll finda sweetie of your own. I know I'd be luckyto have a man as smart, funny,and handsome as you. Ha ha ha. Ooh. Are you still downin the dumpster about that girl? See, what you need to do is find a womanin a bad relationship. That way you do nothing and still look goodby comparison. You know the kind of guyI'm talking about. Rude, selfish,insensitive -- muriel: Thurgood,I need your help -- not now, muriel. I'm trying to make fattyfeel better. Well, muriel, time to openyour birthday present. Have you beena good girl this year? Well, I think so, but I can be badif you want me to be. Uh, why don't wejust open your gift? I can't waitto see it. I really outdid myselfthis year. An idea like thisis one in a million. Now I know how the colonelmust have felt when he inventedthe chicken. A sweatshirt? Not just any sweatshirt --a beer cozy sweatshirt. You see, the holderon the front keeps a 40 cold longer. But I don't drink beer. That's the beauty of it,muriel -- I do, and when I wearthis sweatshirt, you won't have to goto the fridge as much. It's all about you. Uh, I seeyou're speechless with joy. [ Muttering ] [ Thinking ]Wait a second. She doesn't likethe sweatshirt. How could that be? I've got to find a wayto make this up to muriel. A knock at the door? Right when I'm thinking aboutmuriel and the sweatshirt. That ismost inconvenient. Oh, great,beautiful flowers for muriel. What am I goingto do with these? I still need a way to getback on muriel's good side. I'll throw these flowers away,then get back to thinking. [ Gasps ] Are thosewhat I think they are? Uh, what do you thinkthey are? Why, flowersfrom my husband. Uh... happy birthday. I knew that ridiculousshirt was just a joke. You plannedthis whole thing. [ Chuckles ]Of course I did. What, do you think you havesome kind of secret admirer sending youanonymous flowers? [ Thinking ] Muriel hassome kind of secret admirer sending heranonymous flowers. Gentlemen, it takesteamwork to play baseball, but my enthusiasmis toilets. Now, when a manplunges his toilet, he has the rightto expect that he's the only manplunging that toilet. And what, I ask,could be lower than plunginganother man's toilet? One of youhas the hots for muriel and is sending herflowers. So let meget this straight -- you're comparing your wifeto a toilet? Sanchez, it was you,wasn't it? Actually, I've never beenattracted to women... well, I suppose thatcomes as news to no one. You didn'tlet me finish. Women who are marriedto my friends. Thurgood,you know what I like, and let's face it --muriel don't got back. Thurgood,I've always loved muriel. I frequently fantasizeabout her naked, and at your funeral, she'll thinkI've got eight hands. Ha ha ha ha! But not until you're dead. Now that's a friend. So none of you guyssent muriel flowers? Well, I guessI've got no reason to hit anybodyin the head. Sanchez has a flyon his neck. Oh, good. What the mahalia jackson? Uh, here, muriel. I got youanother special something. [ Crash ] [ Panting ] It's no use.I'll never catch him. [ Panting ] Oh, good.He's out of shape, too. Juicy? There's no onebehind this post. Twenty years now... where'd they go. Twenty years I dont know I sit and I wonder sometimes muriel's secret admirer?Yep. Guess that means you're going to open upa can of whoop-ass on me. Oh, no, juicy,it just means that you and i need to have a manto man-sized boy talk. Now, come hereand sit on my knee. [ Bones crack ] Whoo-hoo! Holy motherof mary J. Blige! Look, juicy,I think it's cute that you haveyour little enlarged heart set on muriel, but remember,she is taken. I guess. It's just that we connectedon a very deep emotional level. Anyway, the bottom line isyou and I are friends, and a friend doesn't try to stealanother friend's girl, except in special situations where the friend's goingto be away all summer, and the girl's father ownsa liquor store. I'm glad we're still friends. Oh, we are, and, friend, I do hope you findsomeone real soon. And when you do, rememberto take it nice and slow, just like your metabolism. Aah! [ Crashes ] Hey, muriel, I got to talkto you about something. Better watch what you say,or I may have to put it in my new homemade journalyou gave me. Journal? Right, right. Those idiots, they misspelledyour name. No, they didn'T. Oh, yeah. Well, listen,about the gifts -- now, why don't I give youa nice long foot rub in appreciationof all your generosity? Ooh! A little foot-nookie. [ Giggles ] Oh, ohh, yeah.That's the spot. [ Sniffs ]Hey, we got fritos? Uh, no, but because you'vebeen so good to me, later I'm going to deep-fryyour favorite sandwich -- bwlt. Baconwithout lettuce and tomato? Uh-huh. So, goody, what was it you wanted to sayabout the gifts? Uh, just that there'splenty more where they came from. Now, since you're down there, would you mind taking careof the jam between the market piggyand the roast beef piggy? Ahh. How's your little backholding up? Oh, pretty good. Then you're not walkingfast enough. Move it, lazy! Juicy, what are you doing? You told meto take it slow, and nobody's slowerthan florence here. Well, that's true, but still, you might wantto find somebody who hasall her original parts. I heard that --well, not really, but I sawyour nasty, filthy lips move. I've been thinkingabout our conversation, and I think I wasa little hasty. It's not fair you don't havea shot at muriel. But I thought friends didn't goafter each other's women. Oh, please,we're not really friends. We're more than that --we're brothers. And there's no lawagainst two brothers going after the same woman. It worked for the kennedys,and it'll work for us. Wow, the kennedys.Okay, what should I do? Should I go talk to her? No, no. Definitely not.Talking is step 4. Right now you'rein step one -- giving gifts,anonymous gifts. What's step 2? More gifts. What about step -- gifts, gifts,and more gifts. [ Thunk ] Juicy!What are you doing here? Aah! Hey, muriel,after you shave my face, I thought it might be funif you shaved my -- what you got there? Thurgood, I just gotyour latest present. I love it.Where'd you get it? Uh, you know, the houseof, uh, uh, escapes me... pancakes? Yeah, the international houseof pancakes. They sell paintingsat the house of pancakes? All right, you caught me. I might as well tellthe truth. I didn't buy that gift.I painted it myself! Really? Why would you painta picture of me and juicy and then sign it,"love, juicy"? Thurgood,you better tell me what is going on right now. All right. The jig's up.The gifts were all from juicy. Whew, I feel betternow that that's over. Now, let the shaving begin! Oh! Thurgood,I am so furious right now I could say "damn!" See, I said it. Oh, come on, muriel,it's the thought that counts, and you thought the gifts were from me. I suggest you take some time and thinkabout what you've done. Think about what I've done... think. Ooh, muriel knowsI'm no good at this. Uh, super, I believeyou're lying in my guest house. Yeah, it's just that I'mhaving a problem with muriel, and I feel pretty bad. Mm-hmm, and, uh,how does that make you feel? I guessI should've told muriel who the gifts were from, and I should've told juicythat she wasn't interested, and I should've been more -- super, super, please, you'reshould-ing all over yourself. You need to get outof the problem and into the solution. I ought to go apologize. That, or take massive amountsof psychoactive medication. After all, drugs helped meforget about all my... "first rule of fight club is,don't talk about fight club." Smokey, I want to thank you,but since you're freaking out and punching yourselfin the face and whatnot, I'm just going to back awayslowly and avoid eye contact. So, you see, juicy, it's notthat I don't like you, it's just that I'm older,and I'm already married. I understand. Uh, hey, juicy.Why are you here? I called him down here,thurgood, so I could set things right. Oh, well, good. Juicy, I'm sorry I took creditfor your gifts. I was wrong. That's okay,the important thing is that they mademrs. Stubbs happy. Anyway, I got to get going.You treat her right. Hurray!Things are back to normal. Thurgood orenthal stubbs,you are the most selfish personon this planet. At first I thought you were just taking creditfor juicy's gifts, but now I see you weremanipulating him all along. You lied to him,and you lied to me. But, muriel -- a 10-year-old boy knowsmore about romance than you! Whoo! I can't stand even beingaround you right now. I'm staying at bebe'S. Well, life can't getany worse, can it? [ Knock on door ] Sanchez: Super, I lockedmyself out again, and I'm naked.Can I come in?  [ Muttering ] Muriel wants to go stayat her sister's? Good. I don't need her. I'll be just fine by myself. Hmm. Can of tuna. Can opener. I know these twogo together somehow. I can handle this. [ Slurping ] [ Mumbling ] [ Imitating muriel ]Good night, goody, you devilishly handsome,young, virile stud. [ Normal voice ]Ha ha. Why, thank you, muriel. I love you. [ As muriel ]I love you, too. Now, don't forgetto bump booties. This is ridiculous. I'm going to go bringmy wife home. That's the manly thing to do. Muriel, please,please come home. You're juliet to my romeo,weezy to my george, siegfried to my roy! Thurgood, get up.You are embarrassing our race. Muriel, it's me.Your sweet baby thurgood. I'm a changed man.I've even been watching oprah, so now I can rememberyour spirit, while I help you waitto exhale and get your groove back. Talk is cheap, thurgood. If you really love me, you're going to haveto prove it. Prove my love?That should be easy. If I can prove my innocenceto three separate juries, I can certainly prove my loveto one woman. [ Hot chocolate's"you sexy thing" playing ] I believe in miracles where're you from,you sexy thing? Sexy thing, you I believe in miracles since you came along muriel! Murieeeeel! It's 10:00 A.M. Some people have to sleeparound here. I don't care. I'm staying out hereas long as it takes to prove my love to her! [ Children laughing ] Super, you okay? [ Mumbles ] Oh, not really. But, hey, I see you'rewith nula. Good for you. Yeah, when I saw how happyI made your wife, I realized I'm pretty goodat romancing women. I wish I was. Right now my plan isto stay out here without showeringor changing my clothes until muriel takes me back. Yeah, well, that could work. Um, do you haveany other ideas, you know, just to hear? No. Can you help me? Walk with me. Thurgood, why are youdressed like that? Muriel, I know I've beena jerk lately, so I thought you could usea vacation. And I know you've alwayswanted to go to europe and meet queen latifah,but it's too expensive. So, I broughtall the countries to you. Welcometo your european vacation! I don't know, thurgood.I'm still upset with you. Oh, please, muriel,just give me a chance. Our first stop is rome. Calvini, juiciano,to the fountains! [ Claps hands ] Thurgood, I don't seehow this -- just play along. To your left we have the leaning tenementof pisa. Hi, you two lovebirds. Thanks for the help,papa hudson. No problem, super. If you want, later I can helpyou make the earth move. To the right you'll see one of the famousflamenco dancers of spain. [ Flamenco music playing ] Sanchez: Olé. Wow, thurgood, you really didgo to a lot of effort. [ Gunshots ] Whoops, take cover. Looks like we just crossedinto war-torn bosnia. Next stop, venice. Ahem, welcome to smokey'sgondola/water rafting ride. Rafting? Oh, I hope the currentsaren't going to be too rough. Don't worry, most of the rapidsare level one. Except immediatelyafter thanksgiving dinner, when there's a preponderanceof number 2s. Uh, hey, smokey, would you favor uswith a little melody? Um, melody'snot working tonight, but I think babsis available. I mean, sing us a song,you damn former crackhead! Oh...ahem. When the moon hits your eyelike a big pizza pie that's amore thurgood, I have to admit, you're startingto win me over. And finally, muriel,I give you... paris! Oh, thurgood, my favorite! That's right, and look, there'sthe hunchback of notre dame. Hello, stupid americans,your table is there. You even madethe waitress rude. Oh, this really islike france! Yup, and I even madeyour favorite french food -- spaghetti. And check out this wine --it's kunta chianti. Tonight's beenabsolutely perfect. Uh, muriel,I got to come clean. Even though I didall this stuff for you, they were juicy's ideas. I have ideas of my own, but I'm always afraidthey would never be enough. The only lame thingI could think of was to tell youhow much you mean to me and how much I love you. I'd understand if you wantto leave me for juicy. Thurgood, that's allI ever wanted to hear. That it's okayto leave me for juicy? No, that you love me. I don't needany fancy gifts or presents. I just want to knowthat I'm appreciated. You are, muriel. And from now on, I promise, thurgood stubbs is not goingto be selfish anymore.