-- T h e P J s -- Title: Let's Get Ready to Rhumba Season 3, episode 9 Aired: Sunday, May 13, 2001 ================================================================================ Summary: ? ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, livin' in the PJs. ================================================================================ Thurgood: "8th annual HUD ball." Yeah, HUD's balls really swing, though last year's ball got pretty hairy. What with the heat wave, that was one sweaty ball. Heh heh. I'm funny when I'm alone. Thurgood: "Can you beat our reigning king and queen of the dance contest?" Hmm, look at them -- King Loser XIV and Queen Laqueefah. Jimmy: Ahem. Big talk coming from a guy who won't even enter. You're the king of excuses. Bebe: Thurgood will say anything to get out of that contest. What was it last year, baby -- he ate a hamburger and got Sheila E. Coli. [both laughing] Thurgood: Busy day, busy day. Nope, too busy. Thurgood: Mrs. Avery? Anyone home? 'Cause if there is, I won't snoop. But since there's not, I guess I will. Thurgood: Hey, little white children. Haven't seen one of you in the projects since -- well, never. Mrs. Avery: Super! What are you doing putting your filthy hands all over my little white children? Thurgood: Whoa! Don't! You missed me! Oh! Aah! Now calm down, Mrs. Avery. No reason to throw a fit. Mrs. Avery: Oh, I guess you're right, Super. I'll throw this! Mrs. Avery: Oh! Ooh! This is the big one! Thurgood: Looks like I got no choice. I better do CPR. Mrs. Avery: Heaven -- after all I've done, I still got into this place. Hmm, thank God for affirmative action. Frankie: Hello, Florence. I've been waiting for you. Mrs. Avery: Frankie Watkins, is that you? Frankie: Madam, may I have the honor of your first dance in paradise? Mrs. Avery: Frankie, you should know better than to ask me that. I like it better when you just take it. [swing music playing] Thurgood: Still nothing. Time for the dreaded mouth-to-mouth. Please don't die, Tyra Banks. Mrs. Avery: Oh, I feel good, Frankie. Dying agrees with me. Ooh, I can even bend over without any pain, if that interests you at all. Mrs. Avery: I hope you're not a vegetarian, because here comes some tongue. Super? Hey, you're not Frankie. Why aren't I in Heaven? Thurgood: I brought you back from the dead. Mrs. Avery: [groans] Thurgood: Uh, I was never here. [siren wails] Thurgood: [loudly] How was the hospital? Did you like crapping in a pan? Calvin: Uh, ahem. Cool wheels, Mrs. Avery. Juicy: Yeah, uh... maybe you can hit the half-pipe with us later. Mrs. Avery: Oh, that's so sweet, but there's only one thing I need from all of you, and that's for you to kiss my shiny black ass. And as for you, Super, you brought me back from Heaven just as I was dancing with my one true love. Muriel: You saw Mr. Avery? Mrs. Avery: Hell, no. Frankie Watkins. Girl, I met him 60 years ago. He was a photographer for the "National Geographic," come to town to take pictures of the bridges. As it turned out, the only pictures he took were of my britches. Sharique: Mrs. Avery, you were bad. Mrs. Avery: Yes, I was young --a professional dancer, and life was grand. Muriel: Well, if it's dancing that makes you feel good, why not enter the contest at the HUD ball? It looks like you've still got the moves. Mrs. Avery: Oh, you better believe it, missy. This is Mrs. Avery's dance world, and the rest of you are just squatting in it. All I need is to take one of you filthy losers and mold you to be my partner. Bebe: Oh, please. As if your denture-wearing extra-packet-of-sugar-stealing down-in-the-tub-slipping old wrinkled butt is any match for me and Jimmy. Thurgood has a better chance of beating us. Thurgood: Leave me out of this. Mrs. Avery: Speaking of dancing, Ho, how'd you like to dance with the snowman? Sanchez: I don't even get that. Mrs. Avery?: Shut up, Sanchez. And you two -- I'm tired of all your trash talking about the dance contest. You want a showdown? 'Cause we'll throw down, and you will go down. That's the lowdown on this hoedown. Sanchez: Really, I'm not following this. Jimmy: Bring it on, old woman. How much money do you want to bet? Mrs. Avery: This isn't about money. It's about pride, honor -- things you can't buy at the 99-cent store like you did your wife. Jimmy: That's it! Woman, you just ordered up a beat-down. Mrs. Avery: Then it's on! People, spread the word. Tell everyone Florence Avery's coming, and I'm bringing Hell with me. Oh, it's 3:00. Time for dinner and my suppository. Come on, Sharique. I can't do it alone, darling. ================================================================================ Thurgood: [humming] Muriel: Goody, I was thinking about the dance contest at the HUD ball, and I thought maybe this would be the year we could enter. Thurgood: Enter, my butt. If you think you're going to shove that ball down my throat, you're sadly mistaken. Muriel: Well, I guess I thought that if you took a couple of classes, or maybe a couple of dozen, it would be fun. Thurgood: Nope, bad. Muriel: Thurgood, you're just --this is important to me. I would like to dance with my husband. Now, if you don't want to be seen dancing with me -- Thurgood: Muriel, please. Let me tell you a story about the last time I danced in public. It was the saddest day of my life -- our wedding day. Muriel: You don't have to tell me this, Thurgood. I was there. Thurgood: Pipe down. I'm telling a story here. Now, it was, ominously enough, Friday the 13th. Walter: So I said, "padre, you never told me where to kiss the bride." Heh heh heh. Whew. Uh, oh, sorry. Didn't know there were children here. Anyway, let's give a big hand to Mr. And Mrs. Thurgood Stubbs as they enjoy their first dance together. [cheers and applause] [Stevie Wonder "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" playing] Oh, yeah, baby like a fool I went and stayed too long, Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong, Bebe: Ha ha ha! Get that boy a helmet! He's having a fit! Muriel: Don't worry, Goody. You're doing great. [all laughing] ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours"] ...said goodbye, Thurgood: Where are you, honey? Muriel: Thurgood! Thurgood: Ut! My nut! [all laughing] Thurgood: Maybe you had to be there, but it was sad. Muriel: I know it was, sweetie, but it was 28 years ago. Don't you think it's time to get past it? Thurgood: Muriel, it's like I said to the judge -- no contest. Muriel: Well, since you refuse to be my partner, I guess I have no choice but to ask Mr. Sanchez. Thurgood: Fine, Muriel. Muriel: It is fine. [funk music playing] Sharique: Ahem. Thank you, Mr. Burkett. Um, we'll call you. Walter: Heh heh heh, sure. I know you show biz people. That means I get to be Mrs. Avery's partner, right? Aah! [Groans] Juicy: I'd like to do an interpretive dance called "Sharique's the bomb." [techno music playing] Juicy: Sharique! Sharique! Mrs. Avery: Now who's next? Sharique: We've auditioned everyone. Mrs. Avery: What? My pride is on the line. I'll be a laughing stock if I don't find a partner who can shake da booty like I can. Mrs. Avery: Wait. There is another. The dance is strong in him. Thurgood: [muttering] [salsa music playing] Sanchez: Are you sure Thurgood doesn't mind that I'm dancing with you? Muriel: Oh, Thurgood doesn't care about dancing. Sometimes I think he doesn't care about anything. But you're quite the dancer, Emilio. Muriel: Oh. [giggling] Thurgood: Look at Muriel, all happy and smiling. I haven't seen her face like that since... [groans] These are words no man has ever said before, but I wish I was like Sanchez. Aah! [thud] Thurgood: [groans] Thurgood: It's never too late to learn something new. Why, just last week, I learned to fart the theme from "Star Wars." I am going to learn to dance and be Muriel's partner in that dance contest. Thurgood: Mrs. Avery, can you teach me how to dance? Mrs. Avery: Of course I can. You got talent. I saw it in the way you dodged my blows when I was trying to kill you in my apartment, but if you're going to learn from me, you're going to learn my way. My word is law. I'm the mentor and you are the mento. And then, when you are one with the dance, you'll be my partner in the contest at the HUD ball. Thurgood: Your partner? But I thought I would -- sure, whatever you say. That's the best idea I ever heard. Why, nothing would please me more than to be your partner in that contest. That's just happening because I'm so excited by the idea of dancing with you. [Bruce Channel "Hey Baby" playing] Hey, hey, baby! I want to know if you'll be my girl. Thurgood: Whoo-ha! Ow! Mrs. Avery: Ha ha ha! ["Hey Baby"] Hey, baby! I want to know if you'll be my girl. She's so pretty, Lord, she's fine, I'm gonna make her mine all mine. Hey, hey, baby! Mrs. Avery: By George and Weezy, I think you've got it. Thurgood: I do? I can dance? Ha ha ha. Mrs. Avery: Super, we are gonna kick some serious boo-tay at that dance contest. You and me are gonna be bigger than the Nicholas brothers. Thurgood: Bigger, please. Me and you? I learned how to dance so I could dance with somebody I like --my wife. Mrs. Avery: But you promised me. Thurgood: Mrs. Avery, I think I made it very clear at the time that I was lying. Mrs. Avery: Lying, huh? Then we got a problem, because you owe me. This whole thing started because you was so cruel and thoughtless that you saved my life. You took me away from the one place where you can smoke, drink, and have sex as much as you want. Yeah, Heaven was like prison, only better. Thurgood: Look, I'm sorry that you're not dead. I mean that. I really wish that you were no longer living. Mrs. Avery: But here I am, still living in this place where everyone thinks I'm just a nasty old woman. That's why I care about this dance contest, 'cause there's still a young girl inside me who wants these people to know that once upon a time, I was somebody. Thurgood: [thinking] Come on, Thurgood, you can do it. You can turn your back on a desperate woman in her hour of need. You've had plenty of practice with Muriel. Back... turning... almost there... Thurgood: No, wait, I'll do it. Thurgood: [thinking] I'm very disappointed in you, Thurgood. ================================================================================ [funk music playing] Mrs. Avery: Now, give your dance partner some sugar. Thurgood: Aah! Muriel: Goody, what's the matter? Thurgood: I have to tell you something. Jar Jar Binks is coming back in the next "Star Wars" movie, and I'm Mrs. Avery's dance partner in the contest. Muriel: What? Thurgood: I know, Jar Jar stinks. Can you believe it? Muriel: You're entering the dance contest with Mrs. Avery? But ever since our wedding, I've been asking you to dance with me. Thurgood: That's why I took lessons from Avery, so that I could dance with you. But then she told me about this young woman living inside her, and at first I thought "Alien" -- cool. But then she got all indian-looking-at-the-garbage on me. So clearly you can see I had no choice but to be her partner. Muriel: You do what you have to do. I'll enjoy my night with Mr. Sanchez. Thurgood: Well, Muriel, I'll be dancing with you in my dreams. [groans] [disco music playing] Walter: Where'd you get that suit, Sanchez, the Goodwill? Sanchez: As a matter of fact, I did. Walter: Really? Me, too. Hey, you know, next month they're supposed to get their winter '85 collection. Jimmy: Baby, winning this contest is going to be easier than you on our first date. Bebe: Yeah, you'd have to bea brain-damaged dope fiend not to vote for us. Smokey: Hello. We're the judges for tonight's contest. You'll be judged on form, style, and the shine and thickness of your coat. Thurgood: [humming] Muriel: Well, hello, Thurgood. Glad to see you could make it. So are you nervous? Thurgood: Nervous? Ha. If I were nervous, would I be able to shake like this? Or sweat like this? Sanchez: Muriel, I forbid you to consort with the enemy. Muriel: But Thurgood's my husband. Sanchez: You have no husband. He is dead to you. Time to practice. [excited murmuring] Haity Lady: Oh, my. Florence, you look beautiful. Mrs. Avery: That's right, Flo Jo Dancer is in the house. Walter: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rhumba! [cheering] [slow rock music playing] Sharique: Now, where's my dance partner? Calvin: Sharique needs a dance partner? Sharique: Ooh. [applause] Smokey: Our next couple is Jimmy and Bebe Ho. [disco music playing] Sanchez: Come, Muriel. Let's show these people who's the real queen of the ball. You! I mean you. [tango music playing] Mrs. Avery: Come on, Super, we're next. Thurgood: I can't do it, Mrs. Avery. It's just like my wedding night, except tonight I'm not wearing a cummerbund that says "whopper down below." Mrs. Avery: So that's it? You're not going to dance because you're afraid? What, you don't think I was afraid when Ike Turner took me to his prom? Of course I was. But a life lived in fear is only half lived. Thurgood: I've just never gotten over that mess at my wedding. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was -- Mrs. Avery: You got to focus on today, Super. I know you can do this. You got style, you got sass. Let's go shove that trophy up Jimmy and Bebe's -- Thurgood: Aspirin! I need aspirin if I'm going to dance. And I am going to dance. Let's do it. Mrs. Avery: Yeah, nobody puts Goody in the corner. Sanchez & Muriel: Olé! [applause] [swing music playing] Thurgood: I think I can do the move. Mrs. Avery: No. Save it for the finals. [cheers and applause] Smokey: All right, all right. After counting the votes, the new treasurer of the ninth grade is Benjamin Neidlinger. Way to go, Benji. Smokey: Oh, I'm sorry. After counting the votes, the three finalists are Jimmy and Bebe... Muriel and Sanchez, and... Thurgood and Mrs. Avery. Thurgood: [high-pitched] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mrs. Avery: Act like you've been here before. Thurgood: Did you see me, Muriel? I did it! I danced! Muriel: It was terrific, Thurgood. I was glad to be able to watch you. Mrs. Avery: Well, Muriel, maybe this time you won't have to watch. [The Miracles "Love Machine" playing] Ooh, yeah, I'm just a love machine and I won't work for nobody but you. Yeah, baby, I'm just a love machine... Mrs. Avery: All right, time for the move. ["Love Machine"] I think it's high time you knew, Whenever I think of you, My mind blows a fuse. Mrs. Avery: Oh, no! I don't think Sanchez and I can continue. Sanchez: I'm okay. Uhh! Mrs. Avery: Yep, looks like Sanchez is out, too. Jimmy: That means we win. Thurgood: No. I believe there's still another couple. Muriel, may I have this dance? Thurgood: Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time anywhere, Mr. And Mrs. Thurgood Stubbs. One second. Bebe: Thurgood and Muriel? Ha! This is almost too easy. Jimmy: Yeah. It's like we're competing against white people. ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" playing] Muriel: Our wedding song? Are you sure? Thurgood: Baby, I haven't been this sure of something since I got drunk and asked you to marry me. ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours"] Ooh, baby,here I am... Mrs. Avery's voice: The dance is with you, Thurgood. ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours"] And that time I went and said goodbye... Mrs. Avery's Voice: Use the move, Thurgood. ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours"] Ooh, baby... Mrs. Avery: I said use the move, you filthy dummy! ["Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours"] ... I'm yours, Aah! Here I am, baby, Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. Here I am... Bebe: Oh, please. That was so lame, people are calling in with pledges. Jimmy: Come on, baby. Come on. I got you. Aah! This is why I don't like you on top. Smokey: And the scores are... 10... 10... 3-2-1. A perfect score. Plus you saved a little money on your long-distance bill. Congratulations to our new champions, Thurgood and Muriel. [Cheering] Muriel: Oh, Goody, thank you. This was such a special night. Thurgood: Yeah, well, I had the time of my life. I've never felt this way before. Hey, that's kind of catchy. I am one righteous brother. Thurgood: Thanks for letting me dance with Muriel. Mrs. Avery: Oh, don't mention it. That part was just gravy. The important thing was I got to cold-cock Sanchez. Maybe being alive ain't bad at all. Thurgood: Avery, I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Mrs. Avery: Yes, I think it's time. [crack] Mrs. Avery: Oh, my hip! Ohh... ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy and Steve Tompkins & Larry Wilmore Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Tom Turpin, Will Vinton Executive Producers: Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Executive Producer: Warren Bell Co-executive Producer: Dan McGrath Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Executive Consultant: Danny Zuker Consulting Producer: Kriss Turner Producer: Michael Rowe Producer: Rachel Walchak Supervising Producer: Chris Plourde Written By: Stephen Leff & Jim Patterson Directed By: Marv Newland ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2007 ================================================================================