-- T h e P J s -- Title: Journal Fever Season 1, episode 4 Aired: Tuesday, Jan.26.1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood tends flu-stricken Muriel. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Muriel: Dear diary, the word for today is "brrr." Muriel: Ooh! This must be the coldest day of the year. The temperature outside is as harsh and unbearable as-- Thurgood: Muriel, can I get some ice cubes please? It's called Kool-aid, not warm-aid. Muriel: Coming! Muriel: Thurgood, it's so cold in here. Thurgood: Yeah, but it's a dry cold. Muriel: Well, I want a warm cold. Couldn't you turn on the heat? Thurgood: Now, Muriel, you know HUD has only given me a certain amount of heating oil. I can't turn on the furnace till I'm absolutely sure it's winter. Muriel: But we're freezing to death. Thurgood: Better that than we get to the end of the winter and we have no heating oil left. Now, where would that leave us, huh, Muriel? Muriel: Freezing to death? Thurgood: Exactly, Muriel. Now we're here. Now we're here. [Knock on door] Mrs. Avery: I'm here to spew my hate. Muriel: Would you like a cup of tea? Mrs. Avery: Ah, no. I can't spew long. Super! Look at this bunion. You know what that means? Thurgood: That you are part buzzard? Mrs. Avery: It means a storm's coming. Now when are you gonna turn on the heat? Thurgood: Well, what are you worried about? You made it through one ice age, didn't you? Super! Haiti Lady: There's a storm a-comin'! Thurgood: Oh, let me guess. You crawled out of your hole and saw your shadow. Haiti Lady: Please. That's superstition. I prefer science. If we go to the chicken guts, we can clearly see a cold front comin' up from the gizzards, bringing temperatures in the mid 20s by tomorrow. Now, here's monkey brains for the traffic. Thurgood: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. No more mojo. Spill your guts all you want, but I ain't turnin' on that heat till winter, and winter don't officially start until-- Calvin: Juicy's tongue is stuck to a pole! Thurgood: Now it's winter. Juicy: I never learn. Thurgood: Would you come on, Muriel? Let's go. I want to get down to HUD while they still have some winter supplies left. Muriel: Thurgood, put on your coat. You'll catch a death. Thurgood: Muriel, will you stop treating me like a child? You know I do run this entire building, don't you? Muriel: And you do a great job. Did you put on your mittens? Thurgood: The tenants act like I'm some kind of incompetent or something. These mittens don't fit. Muriel: Left hand, Thurgood. Thurgood: Oh, oh, oh. Yes, yes. Left, left, left. Right. These people would be completely helpless without me. Where's Mr. Scarf?! Muriel: There you go, Thurgood. You're all ready. Thurgood: Hey, what about you? Muriel: I'm wearing my brand-new leg warmers. Thurgood: You got leg warmers? HUD Woman: Next. Oh, you again. What'd you break now? Thurgood: Ahem. Yeah, I'm here to pick up some winter supplies. HUD Woman: Winter supplies come in July. Next! Thurgood: Hey, hold on now. Oh, hi, Mrs. Stubbs. I didn't see you standing there. Girl, you're lookin' good. Muriel: Well, thank you. And how are your kids? HUD Woman: You know, Lasagna had dectuplets. But you don't see her on Time magazine with her teeth all fixed. Muriel: Congratulations. What are their names? HUD Woman: There's Rwanda, Dorito, Rolex, Neutragena, Teflon, DKNY, Lexus, Dyslexus, Dentyne, and Absorbine Jr. So what brings you here, Mrs. Stubbs? Muriel: We need winter supplies. HUD Woman: Oh. Why didn't you say so? Just take those boxes over there. Thurgood: But you just told me-- HUD Woman: Next! Radio: The city council says the measure would effectively repeal the 14th amendment. Now, in weather-- meteorologists are predicting a massive storm system they're calling "El Negro." Thurgood: All right. They finally name one after us. Radio: This storm threatens to break all records for destructiveness. All: Go, storm! Yeah! Yeah! Get 'em! Thurgood: Yeah! All right, people. You heard the man. There's a storm coming, and we need to get this building in shape. If that snow hits these projects hard, it could cause tens of dollars of damage. [All gasp] Thurgood: Ok, then. Let's fight the powder! Thurgood: Now, that's using your head, boy, storing up food for the storm, huh? Juicy: There's a storm? Calvin: Hey, what's that truck doing? Thurgood: Where did that come from? Calvin: The license plate says it's from the federal government. Woman: Attention, urban poor. The federal health department, in conjunction with the center for minority control, is here today with complimentary flu shots. Complimentary means free. All: Oh, it's free? Free? Ok. Free? Smokey: Free needles? God is good. Thurgood: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the Hill Harper are you people doin'? Have you forgotten all your conspiracy learnings? Listen, the government uses projects to test all kind of poisons: Syphilis, crack, the McChitlins. [All gasp] Mrs. Avery: Those chitlins made me mcsick. Thurgood: Now you see what I'm talking about. [Murmuring] Muriel: Hold on, everybody. This is a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, and we... the people. I'm sure there's nothing to fear. Woman: Thank you, Mrs. Stubbs. Muriel: How do you know my name? Woman: Because we're your friend. Now, come on over here and drop your pants. Thurgood: No, Muriel! It's a trick! Woman: It's just a flu shot. Don't listen to that fool. Thurgood: Aha! Flu: F-L-U. Fool: F-U-L. Coincidence? I don't think so. Come on, people. Let's tell them they can take their flu shots and shove 'em up their Arsenios. Mrs. Avery: Yeah! Just leave me my Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, and Social Security, and I'll be fine with no help from nobody. All: Get out! Get on out of here! Woman: Hold on! Step back! Code black! Code black! We'll just find another way to get your DNA. Thurgood: Good riddance. We were healthy before you got here, and we'll be healthy long after you're gone. Muriel: Ah-choo! Thurgood: Ut! Muriel: Oh, I don't feel so good, goody. I have a fever, a sore throat, and other flu-like symptoms. Thurgood: I know what y'all are thinking, but she sa flu like symptoms. That could be anything. Could be appendicitis. Muriel: Ah-choo! Thurgood: Oh, yeah, that's appendicitis. Sure. That's appendicitis. Muriel: I feel a little queasy, like I just got off a roller coaster. Haiti Lady: Maybe you're pregnant. Bebe: Girl, please. Muriel: Goody, it's the flu. Mrs. Avery: Oh, great. Your wife's got the virus, and we're all at risk. Now we gotta find the little monkey for the antidote. All: Yeah. Great. Slick, Dr. Thurgood. Muriel: I'm sorry, Thurgood. I spoiled your victory against the Man. Thurgood: It's ok, Muriel. Look, uh, don't you worry, neither. I'll take care of you. Starting now. ================================================================================ Bebe: Now, don't you worry, Muriel. Bebe's here to take care of you. Hey, hey. Easy now. Muriel, you my sister, and I love you, but Bebe don't change no funky sheets. Mrs. Avery: I'll fix her up right quick. All I need is an onion, some mulberries, and a 12-inch buck knife. Thurgood: All right, all right. Everybody out, you cacklin' hens. Haiti Lady: But Mambo Garcelle stay up all night making chicken noodle soup. It's Haitian Penicillin, you know. Thurgood: Right, right. 'Cause we all know that Haiti's the health capital of the world, don't we? Now, come on, get out! Go! Go! Get! Muriel: Thurgood, maybe bebe should stay and give you a hand. Thurgood: What for? Muriel, I am perfectly able to take care of my own wife. Now open wide, darling. Muriel: Aah! My eye! Thurgood: All done. [Moans] Thurgood: There you go, honey. No more need for projectile. Just turn your head and slam dunk. Muriel: Ahh! Ahh! Ooh! I think I'm going up for a free throw now. Thurgood: Take it to the hole! Take it to the hole, Muriel! Muriel: That's ok. I blocked it. Thurgood: Now look what Goody got you-- a book on tape. See, it's read by my favorite, Weezie Jefferson. [Deep, gravelly voice] Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. Chapter 1. "Call me Ishmael." Oh, God. There's 800 pages. Muriel: That's very sweet. Oh! Thurgood, my journal. Where's my journal?! Thurgood: Oh, calm down. Calm down. It's right here. Got your journal right here, baby. Here it is. Muriel: You're so thorough and good, Thurgood. Thurgood: Now, listen, darling. If you need anything, anything at all, just give a toot, and in I'll scoot. [Air horn] Thurgood: Oh, good. It works. Is there something I can do for you, baby? Muriel: Can you tuck me in? Thurgood: Ah, but of course, my sweet. There. Snug as a bug. Now, I'll be watching TV, but don't worry. I'm just an earsplitting blast away. Thurgood: [Contented sigh] TV: Wheel...of... [Air horn] Thurgood: What is it?! You ok?! Something wrong? Muriel: I finished the Kleenex. Thurgood: Oprah the love of God. Now, who would think that all this could come from such a sweet little button nose. Muriel: Ah-choo! Thurgood: We won't be pushing on that anymore, will we? Muriel: [Blows nose] [applause from TV] Thurgood: What'd I miss? What'd I miss? TV: How about a big hand for Vanna. Ha ha! I can't believe your top flew open on live tv. Ho ho. That'll never happen again. Nice ones. [Air horn] Thurgood: Ohh! TV: Whoa! It happened again. What are the odds of that? Looks like we're showing a pair of Ts. [Air horn] Thurgood: [groans] Uh, yes, my precious? Muriel: Juice? Thurgood: OK, juice I can do. Thurgood: Here you are, my love. Now, I want you to take a little nap, and when you wake up, you'll have yourself a full glass of freshly squeezed juice. Muriel: But I'm not tired. Thurgood: Yes, my sweet, but I have to go and check on the boiler. Now, as much as I love waiting on you hand and foot, I do have responsibilities to this building and the people in it. Ok, snookie? Muriel: Ok. [Blasts horn three times] Thurgood: Yeeees? Muriel: I was just saying I love you. See? I... [blast] Love... [blast] you. [blast blast] Thurgood: Yeah, I love you, too. Muriel: You wanna say it with the horn? Thurgood: Not really. [Air horn blaring] Thurgood: Ohh. Muriel: [Panting] did you fix the furnace? Thurgood: Muriel, I was only there-- Muriel: I need some aspirin. My body aches all over. Thurgood: All right, all right. I'll get you some aspirin. Muriel: Where you going?! Thurgood: To get the aspirin. Muriel: Don't leave me! Thurgood: I can't just make the aspirin appear from thin air. I'm black, but I'm not blackstone, now. Muriel: You're yelling at me! Thurgood: Muriel, it was a joke. Ha ha ha. Muriel [Halfhearted giggle] Thurgood: [weakly] Heh. Heh. Mrs. Hudson: What are you boys doing? Calvin: Making snow victims, Mrs. Hudson! Juicy: Look, mama! I'm a statistic! Mrs. Hudson: Juicy, get your skinny behind upstairs! There's a storm coming! [Air horn blaring] Muriel: Oh. Thurgood. Ah, what's all this? Thurgood: This is what you wanted, right? Muriel: Thurgood, you know I can't take gelcaps. You know they stick to the back of my throat! You know that! Thurgood: Right. I do? Oh, I do. Oh, yeah, I know that. Muriel: Oh, I guess I can choke a couple of these down. Ohh. Mmph. It says you're supposed to take these with food. Thurgood: [Grumbling] I ain't no slave. I'm a man. Let's see here. Oh! Quickies. This is gonna be easy. Now, what the hell is a spa-tula? Thurgood: Bon appeétit! Muriel: Oh. Aaaaaahhh! Thurgood: Oh, now, now, now. Calm down, calm down, Muriel. Listen. I had the same reaction the first time I saw it. But if you just sit with it for a while-- Muriel: Who would serve this to a sick person? You could have been more thoughtful. Thurgood: I'm trying. I am trying! [Choking back emotion] Listen, Muriel, I will make you anything you like. Just tell me what you want, Ok? Muriel: A can... of chicken noodle soup. Thurgood: But... That's mine. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood: Oh, n-n-now, that's ok. That's ok. I'll make it for you. Muriel: Don't bother. I just want to go to sleep. All this disappointment has tired me out. [Light breathing] Thurgood: Muriel? Muriel, you asleep? Ah. Peace at last. [Applause] [ding ding] Thurgood: Oh! "Beaver and Eldridge Cleaver!" Ah. A commercial. Time for a quick catnap. All I need is one minute. That'll leave me refreshed and ready to go. [Static] Thurgood: [snoring] 10 hours! Uh-oh. I am in deep Shaquille. Please let her be asleep. Please let her be asleep. Jimmy: Hey, brother-in-law. What are you doing here? Thurgood: What's going on? Where's Muriel? Jimmy: That's why I'm here, to tell you they took her to County. Thurgood: County jail? Jimmy: Worse, my brother. County hospital. You in trouble. ================================================================================ Woman: What? Thurgood: I'm looking for my wife. They said she was here. Is she here? Woman: Name? Thurgood: Muriel Stubbs. Woman: Just a minute. Let's see. Stubbs... Dead on arrival. Next! Thurgood: Oh, God, no, Lord! No, Lord. No, my Muriel! Lord, my Muriel's dead! Muriel! Muriel! Take me, too, Lord! Take me, too. Take me, too, sweet Jesus. Muriel. Woman: Muriel? Oh, I thought you said Miriam Stubbs. Man: Aah! My Miriam's dead! Thurgood: Muriel, you're alive! Out of my way! Bebe: Well, well, well. If it isn't Thurgood-for-nothin'. Thurgood: Bebe, can you please leave me alone with my wife? Bebe: Don't mind me. I'll be over here. Thurgood: [Clears throat] Uh, Muriel, um... Uh, there's a good explanation. Bebe: Ha! Thurgood: But first tell me... Are you ok? Muriel: Yes. No! I woke up with a fever, I was delirious, and you weren't there. Thurgood: You were delirious? I was there. Muriel: You were not there. You don't just abandon someone in their hour of need, or have you forgotten those vows you took at our wedding? Thurgood: No, no, no. I remember. I remember perfectly well, Muriel. I...I, Thurgood X, take this proud nubian soul sista to by my funkadelic superfreak. Muriel: No! The part where you promise to care for me in sickness and in health! Thurgood: But I-- Muriel: All these years, I took care of you, and the one time-- the one time-- I needed you, you weren't there. Thurgood: Can we go best two out of three? Muriel: Thurgood, I'm too weak to talk about this now. Just go on home. My sister Bebe will take care of me. Bebe: Don't let him get to you, girl. You know how men are. They don't care about nobody but themselves, especially Thurgood. Mrs. Avery: That's right. Here Muriel lies dead as a doornail, and he's got the nerve to be downstairs with his boys. Muriel: Miss avery, I'm not dead. Mrs. Avery: Then what are we doing here, and why did I make a sponge cake? Muriel: Why can't men ever think about our needs? Haiti Lady: Yeah. They all want hex on the first date, but sometimes I just want to cuddle. Bebe: Well, what do you do? Haiti Lady: Usually I sent them off with a little head. Thurgood: I mean, I did everything I could, you know. She wanted an alcohol rubdown. I gave her one. I mean, how was I supposed to know that a forty would make her sticky? Jimmy: You did nothing wrong, brother. The only crime we men are guilty of is being men, black men. Thurgood: You are not black. Jimmy: Why you gotta dis me, brother? [Mechanical] Sanchez: Let's face it. They take us for granted. They think it's ok to ignore us and treat us like we don't-- Walter: If you psychoanalyze it, the problem starts when men choose women who are just like they mamas. Take me, for example. I seem to always choose hookers with a heart of gold. Thurgood: You all know me, and y'all know I'm a fixer, but I'm gonna tell y'all I have no idea how to fix this thing. I'm willing to do anything, too, absolutely anything. Sanchez: Maybe you should watch less Wheel of Fortune. Thurgood: Yeah, and maybe you should learn sign language. Bebe: You should have known better than to rely on Thurgood. Let's face it. Men just aren't as good caretakers as us. Muriel: Well, he tried his hardest, and he did do everything I asked. I just wish that sometimes I didn't have to ask. My journal. Where's my journal? I need my journal. Bebe: Oh, I think we left it at the hospital. Can't it wait till tomorrow? Muriel: No! I always write in it first thing in the morning. Would you go get it for your baby sister? Bebe: Muriel, you're my sister, and I love you, but bebe ain't going out in that storm for nobody. Thurgood: Muriel, don't worry. I'll get that journal for you. I just hope I make it before the storm hits. Come on, storm, do me a solid, negro to El Negro. Smokey: Storm coming, Super. Wanna crawl in my mattress? We can spoon. Thurgood: Hello! Hello! Did somebody find a journal that my wife left here? Woman: Hey, Lavelle, you got that journal about the man with the lazy sperm? Stop laughing, fool. He here. Thurgood: Look at the size of this storm. This is one big El Negro. [Siren] Police: Freeze! Thurgood: What do you think I'm doing? Police #1: Well, get out there and frisk him. Police #2: And freeze my butt off? You frisk him. Police #1: Oh, for the love of... You, out there... Lay down on the ground and frisk yourself. Thurgood: What?! Police: You heard us. Radio: Car 32, 4-5-1 in progress. Police #1: All right, we've gotta go, so just rough yourself up a bit, and make it look like a black-on-black crime. Police #2: Well, technically it is. Police #1: Oh. Oh. Very good. Thurgood: Journal. Must get... Muriel... journal. Don't think... can make it. Why me sound like Tonto? Must...write... from the heart. Heart stopping. Cold. There, it's finished. Take me, Jesus! Juicy: I'm not Jesus. I'm Juicy. Thurgood: I'm alive! I made it! Great day in the Alonzo Mourning! Wait. I'm not out of the Tiger Woods yet. Juicy: Wait! Get me some hot water! And cocoa! Muriel: Oh, the storm has stopped. What a beautiful morning. I've got to write this in my journal. Oh. Oh, that's right. Thurgood: Is this what your heart desires, my sweet? Muriel: My journal! But, Goody, where'd you get it? Thurgood: Got it from the hospital. Which is where I--[sniffs]-- where I should be right now. [Cough] Thurgood: Ohhh! You know, I'm sorry for everything, Muriel. It's all my fault. Just didn't give enough. Muriel: No, it's my fault. I asked too much. Somebody's been writing in my journal. Thurgood: What?! [Coughs] Oh, dear, d-don't read that, Muriel. I was in a-- [sniffs]--a fever dream when I wrote it. Muriel: What is it? Thurgood: It's a phrase, like-- like they do on Wheel. Muriel: Oh. Let's play. Is there an "I"? Thurgood: Ding! Muriel: Is there an "L"? Thurgood: Ding! Muriel: Is there a "V"? Thurgood: Ding! Muriel: I'd like to buy an "O." Thurgood: Oh, there are no Os. No Os there. Muriel: No "O"? Is there a "U"? Thurgood: Three of 'em. Muriel: I thought so. I luve yuu, too, Goody. [Air horn] Thurgood: Muriel! Muriel: What is it, Thurgood?! Thurgood: I wanted peanut butter on top and spam jelly on the bottom! Muriel: Turn the sandwich over, Goody. Thurgood: Well, I'll be. ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy and Steve Tompkins & Larry Wilmore Captioning made possible by touchstone television and fox broadcasting ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================