once upon a timein the projects... pjs, projects 
 low rent, high rise,y'all 
 pjs, projects  ooh, yeah 
 projects 
 living in the pjs 
 holdingdown a cardboard condo 
 homeboyand a homemade bungalow 
 in the middleor the end of the day 
 there's a one-way street 
 da da da da la la la 
 living in the pjs 
 ohh 
 pjs 
[ Grumbling ]
Thurgood, hold still.
I won't be ableto clip this on.
Man, I've hadthis suit forever.
Where'd I get it,anyway?
Oh, yeah.
The J.C. Penney-tentiary.
Why do you suppose
hud's calling you downfor this big meeting?
Well, I have spentthe best years of my life
keeping this placein tiptop shape.
[ Stutters ]
Mm-hmm. I thought not.
And now I predicthud will finally say
that I am,without a doubt,
their biggest asset.
Stubbs, you are,without a doubt,
our biggest ass.
Why, thank you...whoa. Wait.
Just in the lastthree weeks alone,
you set your building on fire,
built an eiffel towerout of tv antennas,
and left your buildingin the charge
of 2 10-year-old boys.
Ha ha ha ha.Yeah, I am a character.
Now about that raise...
he's charging us.Tractor beam, engage.
Whoa!What the malcolm x-files?
Stubbs, we here at hudsimply do not have the resources
to put up with your mistakes.
You are officiallyon hud probation.
Does that comewith a raise?!
It comes with a warning.
One more violation of hud rules,and you will be fired.
Ohh!
Aah!
I better get my act together.
Now, where's my hud rule book?
Oh, yeah.
I used itto insulate these wires.
No, that's my old safety guide.
Whoa. Wait. Now I remember.
[ Bell clangs ]
Time for me to starttaking these rules seriously.
"Department of housingand urban development
official rules,introduction by byron allen."
Nothing's going to get by meanymore.
Aah!
[ Thud ]
I'm okay.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
[ Thud ]
Muriel, this apartmentis full of violations,
except for the bedroom.
No violating going onin there.
But, thurgood --
no time for your excuses,muriel.
This rat poison is too closeto the air vent,
and these dead ratsare blocking the fire exit,
and my dirty magazines
should not be hiddenin the oven.
Ooh, nice and warm.
Hey, boys.Hmm. What are you up to?
Uh, we're buildinga fort.
A fort with a gift shop.
You boys playing army?I love that game.
That's right. Got to go.
That's kind of cute.
Two boys learninghow to be men
with nail polish,perfume, and brassieres.
Ha ha ha.Yeah, boys will be girls.
Oh, no! My boys?
Dear lord,let there be a rule about it.
Oh, here it is.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Well, that don't evenmake sense.
Okay, let's get insidebefore we get caught.
Supe will be madif he knew
we put a mattressin there.
How can we expect peoplearound here to understand?
Well, if this is wrong,I don't want to be right.
Aah!
Boys, we got to talk.
Now, there comes a pointin every little boy's life
when he thinksit might be fun
to wear a dress,dance around,
and ask people to call himshirley instead of thurgood.
And there's nothingwrong with that.
Yes, there is.Sounds like a punk to me.
Don't talk to shirleylike that.
My point is,I want the truth.
I'm going to love youno matter what --
now, just a little bitless, is all.
We found this homeless womanon the street,
and we helped her moveinto the boiler room.
What?! A homeless womanliving in my boiler room?
Boys, I could get fired,and then I'd be homeless,
and I would have to livein a boiler room.
Well, sure, it'd belike camping at first,
but then I'd go crazy,and before you know it,
I'd be wearinga hockey mask
and attackingscantily clad teenagers
every time they startedmaking out.
Now, is that whatyou boys want?
Well, she's so nice,super.
If you met her,you'd like her.
Well, of courseI'd like her.
I'm a big-heartedpeople person.
Now let me go getmy stun gun.
All right, grandma.
You got 15 seconds
to scrape your bony buttoff my floor
and get your stinky...
[ Sniffs ] Fresh...
[ Sniffs ] Peachy-smelling...
[ Sniffs ] Goodness...
[ Yawns ]
Can I just havefive more minutes, please?
I won't be latefor school.
Can we keep her, super?Can we?
We'll take care of her.
We'll feed herand clean up after her.
I'll even bathe her.
Boy, these homeless girlsare looking healthy.
We must be throwingall five of the food groups
in the dumpster.
So, genetics gave you
one kind of hairstyle.
Maybe you'd prefer another ?
Presenting physique.
Scientifically designed
to let you create...
and keep the hairstyle
you want.
Physique volumizing collection
gives amazing volume.
Physique's
straight shape collection...
gives an incredible
straight look.
Each lasts 20 hours.
So, while genetics
may be predetermined,
your style
is totally up to you.
Physique collections.
Thurgood: Boys,what's the big idea?
Here you had me all excitedabout zapping a hobo.
I can't put 50,000 voltsinto bambi.
Her name is sharique.
And, sharique,this is --
you don't have to tell mewho this is.
He's exactly the wayyou described him.
Hello, smokey.
Sharique, no!This is super.
[ Gasps ] Super?
You're going to throw me out,aren't you?
You were right. I should havehidden in your bedrooms.
Oh, ho ho. Oh.
We don't like to use wordslike "throw you out."
Now let me getmy neck snare around you
so I can gingerly escort youfrom the premises.
[ Sobbing ]
You're right.It'll be fine.
What's the worstthat could happen
to a pretty young girlin the streets?
Look, juicy,there's that face again.
What do you want, sharique?You want pie?
Damn it, calvin!Sharique wants pie!
Both: Uhh!
Oh, no.
You can't turnyour powers on me.
There. Now you and ican safely talk.
So what kind of piedo you want?
You're not from anywherenear this neighborhood, huh?
No. I grew upin a big apartment uptown.
Aha! I thought as much.
Your british accentsort of gave it away.
I don't havea british accent.
Well, that's not a --
well, it's some kindof rich people accent.
Give me that much.
That's true.My parents were stockbrokers,
but they started selling stockin a make-believe company.
That's how they wound upin jail.
Aw.
But, sharique,you got to have somebody
who can take you in.
Don't you haveany distant relations?
No.
What about a wacky neighboror a sassy black maid?
No.
Well, how aboutsocial services?
You know, a foster home.
Oh, I don't blame you.
I don't knowthat foster guy,
but I've heardsome scary things.
Come on. There got to bea crazy white millionaire
who can adopt youor something.
Ha ha ha. You remind meof the colorful characters
that my grammywould tell me about
in her storiesabout the projects.
Uh, sharique, we don'trefer to ourselves
as colorful people anymore.
So, you have a grandmawho can take you.
Oh, no, my grammy'sbeen gone for years.
But that's whyI came here.
Grammy always talked abouthow nice the people were
in...the hood.
Anyway, right awayI met calvin and juicy.
They're such good boys.
Look, sharique,we broke into a delivery truck
and got you a pizza.
Aw. I don't know howI could ever thank you.
You could let mefeed it to you
like a baby bird.
Boys, let's not getoverexcited here.
I was just explainingto sharique
that there's just no way...while I'm on hud probation...
now, I know it's a sad story.
Damn, you're good.
All right, all right,you win.
Boys, stay here with sharique.
Keep her out of sighttill I get back.
I don't know howI'm going to solve this,
but I will solve this.I'm going to go uptown
and find somebodywho can take her in.
I know! A childless couplewhere one's a tough-talking cop
and the other'sa liberal defense attorney.
 Well, we're movin' on up 
 movin' on up 
 to the east side 
 movin' on up 
 to a deluxe apartmentin the sky 
oh, this is uptown.
It's no so differentfrom where we live.
[ Whistling ]
Hey, brother.Whassup?
Uh, no, seriously, brother.
Can you help a brother out,brother?
I'm just tryingto make a connection here.
[ British accent ]I am not your...brother.
Read the sign.
Let's see. "No soliciting,no trespassing,
no jive talk."
Good day.
Fine. Maybe someone elsearound here
knows about sharique bailey.
[ Normal voice ]Hold up, hold up. Sharique?
Damn! I haven't seenbaby girl
since her parents got sent
to the big,bad slamma-jamma, yo.
Uh, yeah.
I mean, mama-jamma,eeny-meeny, chili-beany.
Look, she's got to havesome friends or relatives
she can live withtill her parents get out.
Nah, G.,She ain't got no peeps,
and her friendsdogged her out.
Yo, you make sureshe all right,
and you tell herM.C. Jimmy jay dog
sends her much love,understand?
Not really.Can you take her in?
Nah, nah, home slice.
You got to leta player play.
Ha ha ha!You know whahat I'm sayin'?
Woman: [ British accent ]James, we've had some complaints
about the jive talking.
[ British accent ]My most humble apologies.
I trust this will not affectmy christmas gratuity.
Super's going to be madthat we let her out.
What could we do?
It's like she's gotsome kind of weird power.
I thinkit's in her boobies.
Oh, I just love the wayyour eyes offset your skull,
and you have exactlythe body fat percentage
I'm looking for.
Well, I'm ona very strict diet
of no food.
You know, she reminds meof myself at that age.
Of course, I hada nicer body.
Paul robison called mehis spinner.
Holy chi-lites.
Uh, sharique, honey,you shouldn't be out here.
What'd I tell you boys?
You got shiznitfor brizz-ains?
We got to get herinside, muriel.
Hud has eyes everywhere.
[ Helicopter overhead ]
For instance,that black helicopter
hovering right there
with the letters h-u-don the side.
Hypothetically,that could mean something.
Man: [ Over bullhorn ]Thurgood stubbs,
report to hud immediately.
Damn it!
Stubbs, as you can clearly seein this aerial photo,
a serious infractionof hud rules is --
I can explain that.
You see,it only looks like
a teenage homeless girlis living in my building.
She's actually --it's kind of a funny story,
when you think about it,because she's my daughter.
Isn't that rich?
Is photo depicts a window boxon the sixth floor,
which has been hand-painted
with an adorable patternof little daisies.
This is not only defacinghud property,
but the brush workis best described as --
ha ha -- limited.
But let's get back
to this so-called daughterof yours.
Okay, okay. I'll scrape offthose daisies.
Not so fast, mr. Stubbs.
There's nothing in your fileabout you having a daughter.
Says here you've got --ha ha ha -- lazy sperm.
Well, I did, but they'vebeen working out.
Mr. Stubbs,you do bring us joy,
and in return, we willbring you a hud inspector.
I'm sure he'll getto the bottom
of this daughter episode.Dismissed.
Aren't yougoing to hit me
with your tractor beamor your phasers
or your integration ray?
Yes, yes, of course.Engage tractor beam.
What we've got to dois convince hud
that sharique is our daughter.
We can do that.
Sure. I can get jigglywith it.
[ Grumbles ]
This is going to betougher than I thought,
but we can do it.
We can make herone of us.
This girl'snot so polite
that we can'tghettofy her.
All: Yeah!
She's not so smart that we can'teducate her in hoodology.
She's not so uptownthat we can't take her downtown,
get her hooked on phonicsand into ebonics
and looting a storethat sells electronics.
All: Yeah!
Can I ask you guyswhat you're talking about?
No, you may not,
but you can aks me
what I'm talking about.
Now let us begin.
"Da mack on crackis sho nuff whack."
Oh! I get it.Just say no to drugs.
No, no, no. Repeat.
"Da mack on crackis sho nuff whack."
The mack --
I can understandevery word.
Now don't enuncificate.
Da mack...
 da mack.
Good. Let's continue.
[ Horns honking ]
[ Glass shatters,car alarm wailing ]
 Back with my machete and gat,see you wasn't ready... 
[ Growls ]
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
All right.One more time.
Now, think about whatyou're trying to represent --
a life of bleak prospectsand hopelessness.
[ Slowly ] Da mack on crackis sho nuff whack.
What was that?
[ Faster ] Da mack on crackis sho nuff whack.
I think she's got it.
By chicken george,I think she's got it.
[ Ghetto accent ] Da mackon crack is sho nuff whack, yo.
I believe she's rolling.
I do believeshe's rolling.
Now once again.What is that mack?
On crack, on crack.
And the effectof that punk-ass crack?
It's whack, it's whack.
All: Da mack on crackis sho nuff whack.
Yo!
It gotta be a playa',
 top dollar fosheezay 
  I got this game on lock,
 believe me 
  and I wear me a lot of
 colors, 'cause it attracts the
 ladies 
  top dollar, you a flosser 
  but, this is
 what god gave me 
  some people say that's a
 gimmick but, man,
 that's my image 
  a gold chain, and a matching
 pinky ring 
  baby, top dolla',
 better know as a big balla' 
  the ice on my wrist'll blind
 south florida 
  baby, ride
 'til the day I die 
  now, everybody wanna ask top
 dolla' why I stay fly 
<http://>[N: ][E:20000101][8a41]All right, you landed
on my al sharptonboulevard
with a tenement on it.
Subsidized rent is $4.
Except I've gotmy community excuse card.
"Can't pay my rent,
due to had to get mesome taco bell."
Your turn, sharique.
"Go directly to jail"?That is so bogus.
The man is always tryingto keep a sister down.
Oh, you da bomb.
True dat, true dat.
[ Knock on door ]
Hud inspector.
I'm here for my 4:30surprise inspection.
But that was supposedto be tomorrow.
Surprise.Mind if I come in?
I need to doa formal interview
regarding your allegeddaughter sharique.
Formal?I better get my top hat.
Ha ha ha ha.
I see you'rea serious man,
much like myself.
Save your dime storeattempts at charm, stubbs.
I'm not buying.
Hold up. I know you're notdissing my daddy,
'cause i willgive you a rubdown.
[ Whispering ]Beatdown.
Beatdown,yes, of course.
My wrong.
[ Whispering ]My bad.
My bad.
And where's the motherof this alleged daughter?
All right.This is too hard.
I give up.You got me.
Take me awayand put me in the hole.
Daddy, why don't you justtell the man the truth?
That mommy is on the roofhanging laundry.
Oh, yeah.Uh, old habit.
I see a badge,I just start to confess.
Boys, go find murieland bring her here.
Do not come backwithout her, you hear?
I've got to have my wife.
I guess we can just kick backtill she shows up.
You want to watchthe adult channel?
It's scrambled,but you can make out shapes.
Uh, and here's me and murieland sharique
when we went to the seashore.
Uh, here's me, muriel,and little sharique
at our wedding.
Look how big my girl is.
[ Knock on door ]
We found your wife, super.
Here she comes --muriel stubbs.
All right, all right,I'm coming.
Whew. Well, hello there,thurgood, honey.
Ooh, now, why don't youcome here
and give me some sugar?
Mmwaah!
Why'd you bringthat old bag here for?
Oh, I love you, too,honey.
It was her or sanchez.
Is it too lateto get sanchez?
I worked this con before,you filthy moron.
Just shut up,follow my lead,
and act like you love me.
So, mrs...muriel,this hud inspector here
is asking questionsabout our daughter sharique.
Well, what do you needto know, sir?
I'd be happy to answeranything
about our lovely family.
I'm suremy pea brain husband
can barely rememberhis name.
He drinks, you know.
Mrs. Stubbs, kind of matureto be the mother of a teenager.
But I'm immature,so we balance out.
Actually, I'm notas old as I look.
I'm 60.She's 30.
I'm 30.I mean, she's 60.
I mean, she's 30.
Just shut up.
We're very physicaltogether.
People, I'm a highly stressedgovernment employee,
and I have many other familiesto split up today.
Now, someone explainwhy this 16-year-old girl
has never shown upin any of our records
or computersuntil three days ago.
Baby, didn't you go downto hud
and get little shariqueon the records?
Hmm?
Damn, woman!Give me that cane.
Don't talk to melike that.
It's bad enough thatyou come to me every night,
putting your hands all overmy luscious goods.
Uhh!
Oh, hi, goody.
Uh...
mr. Sanchez told methe hud inspector was here.
Oh, hell, no!
You come in here,
touching all overmy husband in my own home?
Do you want to dancewith the snowman?
Come on, let's get it on.
What are you talking about?
I'm muriel stubbs.
You must be here to ask meabout my darling daughter.
That's right,she's my mother.
What?
Hi, grandma.
Ha ha. [ Coughs ]
Okay, game over.You're way too intelligent
to be relatedto any of these folks,
but obviously, you also wantto stay here with them.
I have one question. Why?
My parents are in jail,
and I have nowhere elseto go.
I don't want to livein some foster home
with people who don'tcare about me.
These people here --they took me in
and they gave mefatty foods,
and they taught mehow to talk
in substandardbut colorful english.
They've spent more timewith me in three days
than my parents didin 16 years.
I guess I kind of feellike I belong here.
I mean, this sister'sdown with the hood, yo.
Did that make sense?
Ma'am, I doubt that anythingaround here makes much sense,
but if these people want you,
that's one less problemfor the government.
Can I give you a tip,though, ma'am?
Sure.
Steer clearof this clown.
If ignorance is bliss,he must be very happy.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ooh, muriel,he slammed you hard.
I can stay!
Which wayis my bedroom?
Well, that's our bedroom.
So, that's the master suite,and the guest room would be...
down in the boiler room.
Oh.
I got plenty of roomat my place.
It's just meand my little dog.
Sharique, honey,want to come stay with me?
I could usethe extra check.
I don't get a check,mrs. Avery.
Hmph. Filthy freeloader!
Well, I'll put youto work.
Ha ha. What a day.
I got over on the guy from hud,
and sharique's got a placeto live.
On the downside,I tongue-kissed mrs. Avery.
I'm going to go drinksome soap.
You know you liked it.
Look at me, sharique!
Look at me!
Uhh!
[ Glass shatters ]
Calvin, that isso whack.
Look at this,sharique. Whoa!
Well, sharique,you're a real member
of the hilton-jacobs family.
Are you happy?
Well, sure.
I mean, I don't haveany friends my own age,
I have to goto public school now,
and my standardof living
has, like,gone from central park
to south centralin the blink of an eye,
but then again,
I'm the prettiest girlin the whole building.
You're the prettiest girlin the whole city.
And the luckiest.
Sharique! It's timefor my sponge bath!
Hmm. Looks likeyour luck just ran out.
[ Laughing ]
No, seriously,that's disgusting.