-- T h e P J s -- Title: How the Super Stoled Christmas Special episode Aired: Friday, Dec. 17, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood tries to make enough money to buy Muriel a computer for Christmas. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Thug: Ugh! Walter: Hey, what's the idea stealing an old woman's purse. And on Christmas, of all days. Thug: Huh. Christmas. Christmas just another cold day. Walter: Just another cold day? That's like saying head cheese is just another cold cut. You know, you remind me of someone else who had the wrong attitude about Christmas. Walter: All the Po's down in Po'ville were preparing with glee, even the Super, who was trimming his tree. Muriel: Oh, it's beautiful, but those lights are so old, I hope they're still safe. Thurgood: I'm way ahead of you, Muriel. I'm gonna flock the tree with asbestos. Muriel: Now remember, Thurgood, no peeking at your gifts before Christmas. Thurgood: But if I don't peek, how do I know how much to spend on you? Muriel: You haven't got my gift yet? Oops! Look what I dropped. Thurgood, could you get that for me? Thurgood: Oh, I see. You're trying to give me a hint, aren't you? Ok, baby, you've got it. Santa's gonna bring you a brand new magazine. Muriel: Not the magazine, look at the ad. Thurgood: Oh, you want 12 cd's for a penny? Woman, I can't afford that! Muriel: No, the other ad. The computer. Oh! Why do I even bother? Thurgood: [Laughs] Yeah, I shouldn't play with her like that. So, Muriel wants a computer, huh? Thurgood: [Knocks] Season's greetings, Sanchez. Perry Como esta? Sanchez: Well, I might have a touch of the-- Thurgood: Good, glad to hear it. Here you go. Sanchez: A tip envelope? Thurgood: Now, there's no pressure. I don't want to put any heat on you. Of course, if you want any heat on this winter, you might want to toss in a $20. Sanchez: [Sneezes] Thurgood: [Pounds] Papa Hudson: 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves-- Thurgood: Sing it, Papa Hudson. I love the sound of Christmas carols. You're singing it from down deep, too. Papa Hudson: Who's caroling? I'm ordering lunch. A--and a partridge and some pear sauce. Thurgood: Here's a Christmas tip envelope. Hope your bed springs aren't the only things that give. [Laughs] Bed springs. Get it, bed springs? That's some funny stuff. Chris Rock my ass. Mrs. Avery: A tip envelope? Thurgood: Mm-hmm. Mrs. Avery: Well, I've got some mistletoe for you. Pucker up! Thurgood: Oh. Song: Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer Muriel: Oh. Guy: Come on, baby, back that s pass up. Muriel: Hello, uh, merry Christmas? HUD Woman: Oh, Mrs. Stubbs. How you doing, girl? Hey, everybody, it's Mrs. Stubbs. All: Whoo! Guy: Hey, send her back here! Muriel: Oh, no, I can't stay. I just stopped by to bring you tickets to our project's Christmas pageant. It's called, "Toys in the Hood." HUD Woman: Oh, that is so sweet. You know I'm gonna be there. Muriel: Wonderful. See you then. HUD Woman: Next! Thurgood: Muriel, don't you just love Christmas in the projects? Look, even the porno theater's in the holiday spirit. Muriel: It looks like the pawn shop has quite a selection this year. Thurgood: Yeah, thank God them indians opened that casino. Little girl: I want a new dolly. Santa: Ho ho ho. A little dolly, eh? And what do you have to put up for collateral, little girl? Little girl: This. Santa: Ok, pick up your ticket from the elf. [Coughs] Thurgood: Hey, Walter. What are you doing here? Walter: Just seeing how much my Christmas bonus is going to be. Walter: Come on, man, count it up. I ain't got all day. Walter: What about you, Thurgood? Thurgood: Oh, let me tell you. For the first time, I know exactly what I'm going to get Muriel for Christmas. An electric powered computer. She's gonna be so thrilled. Walter: Oh, Thurgood. Women don't want something cold and impersonal like a computer, they want something feminine and delicate. Thurgood: Like what? Walter: Well, like this Glock 9. Sleek and chic. Perfect for the woman who likes to accessorize. Thurgood: Well, thanks, Walter, but I think I'm gonna just stick with the computer, all right? Walter: Heh, I'll save it for Mother's Day. Clerk: May I help you, sir? Looking for something for the wife? Well, how about this lovely watch? Thurgood: No, I gave her that last year. See? It's engraved on the back. No, this year I know exactly what Muriel wants, and I'm gonna get her the perfect computer. Clerk: Well, this is the only one we have. Thurgood: Perfect. $500 bucks? Hey, that's a little steep, ain't it? Clerk: Well, if you don't love your wife-- Thurgood: Of course I do! You just hold that computer, because I'll be back as soon as I can collect my tips. Street choir: Silent night, holy night, all is calm, [Gunfire] [Screams] [Car tires screech] All is bright, [Helicopter] Policeman: You have five seconds to disburse, or we call in the dogs. Mrs. Avery: Thank you, officer. I'll let you know if they come back. Man on phone: All righty, then. Merry Christmas. Mrs. Avery: Merry Christmas to you, too. Thurgood: [Humming] Empty? How can they all be empty? Don't these people know I work 24 hours a week, 7 days a month for them? I should have known our people don't tip. That's what Denny's said. Muriel: Thurgood, it's been a tough year for everybody. I'm sure if they could afford it, they'd give you what you deserve. Thurgood: I don't want what I deserve, I want my damn tips. Muriel: Look, every one of these envelopes has a nice card. Listen... "Dear Super, thanks for always being there for me, love, Calvin." Oh. Thurgood: Look, he called me an ox! Muriel: Oh, that means hugs and kisses. Thurgood: Oh, that's sweet. But Muriel, I ain't gonna front. I was counting on that tip money. Muriel: I know you were. Don't worry, we'll get by. Thurgood: Well, I know we'll get by. We just ain't gonna get nothing else. ================================================================================ Walter: Hey, merry Christmas. Heh heh. 'Tis the season. Walter: Are you ready to listen to the rest of the story now, huh? Thug: Um-hmm, um-hmm. [Grunts] Walter: Any-hoo, when we left off, Thurgood was sad because he couldn't afford to buy his wife a computer, but that wiley old Super had another plan up his sleeve. Thurgood: Please, please, please, please. Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but according to our records, you're a credit risk. Thurgood: Well, according to the D.A.,I'm a flight risk, but I'm still here, right? Look, I ain't no deadbeat, I got a good job. I am the chief Superintendent of the Hilton Jacobs projects. Clerk: Ooh, well as impressive as that is, the answer is still no, Mr. Stubbs. Mr. Sustarsic: Now, now, Wilmer, we must be courteous to our customers. Clerk: He started it. Mr. Sustarsic: I'm Mr. Sustarsic, the proprietor of this fine establishment. I believe we can help each other. You see, sir, you have something I need, and I have something you need. Thurgood: You have a healthy liver? Mr. Sustarsic: [Laughs] Very good. Oh, Mr. Stubbs, you are delightful. [Both laugh] Thurgood: Well, thank you. I-- Mr. Sustarsic: Let me be blunt. You need a computer for your wife, and I need a repo man who has the keys to every apartment in the projects. Thurgood: You want me to be a repo man? Forget it. Repo men ruined more Christmas's than my daddy's drinking. Mr. Sustarsic: I guess I had you pegged wrong, Mr. Stubbs. I mistook you for someone who loves his wife. Good day, sir. Thurgood: Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, I do love my wife. It's just that, it's just that people gonna hate me. Mr. Sustarsic: No one need know it's you. You can take the computer home today, and simply work it off over the next week. Thurgood: I guess it is their own fault for falling behind on the payments, and using their real names and social security numbers, but what if they find out it's me? Mr. Sustarsic: They won't know unless you tell them. Thurgood: Huh, I don't like those odds, but I got no choice. Mr. Sustarsic: [Laughs] Haiti Lady: Ok, once more, from the top. Calvin: I have no gift to bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum [Hip-hop music playing] Juicy: I'll play my drum machine, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum Sanchez: Hey, Jimmy. I couldn't find a doll to play the baby Jesus in your nativity scene. How about this? Jimmy: I don't know. This is pretty freaky looking. It might scare children. Thurgood: Mm-mmm! Time to put on my repo face. Grr. Song: Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet, Thurgood: Yaah! Song: Jingle around the clock, Mix and mingle in the jingling beat, That's the jingle bell, That's the jingle bell, That's the jingle bell rock. Thurgood: Let's see who the next lucky deadbeat is. Uh. Oh. Ah. Oh. Mr. Sustarsic: You've done very well, Mr. Stubbs. Thurgood: Just call me Repo Suave. Mr. Sustarsic: [Laughs] Oh, Mr. Stubbs, you are delicious. Thurgood: Can we laugh together now? Mr. Sustarsic: [Laughs] No. Thurgood: Well, you have a very merry Christmas, Mr. Sustarsic, or whatever holiday you shriners observe. Mr. Sustarsic: Not so fast, Mr. Stubbs. I can't help but notice you didn't get to all the names on this list. Thurgood: Yeah, I just started feeling bad, repo'ing people at Christmas. You understand. Mr. Sustarsic: No, I don't understand. You didn't have any problem doing the other repos on the list. Thurgood: Hey, look. These people are just deadbeats. These other deadbeats are my friends. Mr. Sustarsic: Hmm, yes, friends are wonderful. So supportive. Especially when your wife leaves you. Thurgood: Oh, come on, now. Don't blackmail a black male. Mr. Sustarsic: Mr. Stubbs. Either perform these remaining repossessions, or kindly return my computer. Good day, sir. Thurgood: Wait! Don't I still amuse you? Ain't I delicious no more? Well, fine. I'll bring your computer back, then. Hmm. Thurgood: Oh, Muriel? Muriel. Perfect. [Grunting] Muriel: Hello, Goody. Thurgood: [Screams] Aah! Muriel! Muriel: What are you doing? Thurgood: Um, I'm taking the garbage out. Muriel: You gift-wrapped our garbage? Thurgood: Oh, uh, yeah, look, Muriel, if you're insinuating that this is a computer, why don't you just come out and say it? Muriel: Oh! You got me a computer for Christmas? Thurgood: Oh, well, I, I guess so. Muriel: Oh, it's the best Christmas present I've ever gotten. Oh, I love it, Thurgood. Oh, I could just eat you up right now. Thurgood: Yeah, hmm. Why did I have to be the one so damned delicious? Thurgood: Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus. I'm not a praying man, but I'm in a real tight spot here. I sure could use your help, Lord. Hmm. Looks like you could use my help. There you go, little baked potato Jesus. Bebe: Jimmy and I are in for $20. Calvin: I've only got $5 bucks. Haiti Lady: That's ok, Calvin. Every bit helps, huh? Sanchez: Well, I was kind of saving to get my brother out of that Cuban jail. He's a political prisoner-- Bebe: Don't be selfish, throw it in. Thurgood: Hey! What are you guys doing with all that money? Jimmy: Uh, we're going to the-- Bebe: Place with the... Mrs. Avery: Uh, horses. Sanchez: Yeah, the dog track. See ya. Thurgood: You mean that they got money to blow on the horses at the dog track, but they can't tip me? Well, I've got a tip for them. Repo Claus is coming to town. And don't you look at me with that "Goodwill to men" crap. You ain't the Christ child, you a potato. And yet, I still fear you. Thug: W--what happened next? What happened next? Walter: Will you shut up? Now just for that, I'm gonna make you wait two minutes and two seconds. ================================================================================ Walter: Yeah, that's it. Keep kicking, smartie. Use up all your oxygen. Yeah, that's better. Now, as I was saying. Choir: Silent night, silent night. holy night Walter: Thurgood was feeling betrayed by his friends. Choir: All is calm, all is bright Walter: He figured if they could ruin his Christmas, he could ruin theirs, and he knew the perfect time to do it. Choir: Holy infant so-- Thurgood: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody, and it is everybody, right? Ok, good, well, just sit back and relax, and don't go home, and enjoy the show, 'cause I know that Santa Claus is personally gonna visit each and every one of y'all tonight. I've got a list, and I'm checking it twice. Song: You're a bastard, Mr. Stubbs. You really are a tom. you stole your friends' possessions, To buy a cd-rom. Mr. Stubbs Your current address is at www.badodor.com Little Girl: But Santa, why are you taking our fish tank? Why? Walter: Now, that old dirty bastard was as smart as they get. He thought up a lie, and quickly, you bet. Thurgood: "Phantom Menace" is the best "Star Wars" yet. Song: You're a bi-atch, Mr. Stubbs, Your heart's an open sore. Between you and Jar Jar Binks, Me-sa say I like him more. Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Stubbs. Thurgood: Aah! Song: Why, you must have purchased your morals at the 99 Cent Store. [Bells jingling] Juicy: Hark, what's that sound? Could it be Santa Claus? Calvin: It couldn't be. Santa doesn't come to the projects. [Bells jingling] Juicy: It is! It is Santa Claus! Aah! Thurgood: Ut! Ho ho ho. Merry... line? Muriel: Christmas! Thurgood: Yeah, oh yeah. Merry Christmas, everybody! Haiti Lady: Ohh! We've been repo'd! [All mumble] Sanchez: Well, he really cleaned us out. Jimmy: Man, that's the last time I rent everything I own. Haiti Lady: Oh, if there was only some way we could have prevented this from happening. Thurgood: Well, here's a novel idea. Pay your bills! Muriel: Thurgood, what's gotten into you? Thurgood: Me? Oh, just the true spirit of Christmas. You know, how it ain't about money and possessions. I learned that when I opened up my tip envelopes. Sanchez: There's a reason we didn't tip you, Thurgood. Bebe: Yeah, we found out your secret. Thurgood: [Gasps] You did? Jimmy: Should we give it to him now? Thurgood: Not the face! Calvin: Mrs. Stubbs told us your secret Christmas wish, a massage chair. Sanchez: That day you thought we went to the track, we didn't spend the whole day there. Thurgood: Oh, I really can't accept this, I--I can't. Juicy: It's ok, Super. We bought it. We didn't get it on credit. [All laugh] Bebe: Yeah, we had to scrimp and save. Haiti Lady: Or skip some payments on a few things. Sanchez: But it was worth it for the expression on your face. All: Merry Christmas, Super. Thurgood: Uh, yeah. Merry Christmas. Thurgood: Oh, Isotoner gloves and a Totes rain hat. Muriel: You can crush those, and they don't wrinkle. Thurgood: Yeah, I love 'em. Thanks, baby. Hey, ain't you gonna play with your computer? Muriel: I'm sorry. It's just that I can't enjoy it knowing that all our friends have nothing. I'm going to bed. Why don't you enjoy your new massage chair? Thurgood: [groan] Ugh. I feel like shiatsu. Walter: Well, he sat in that chair and cried like a bi-atch 'till he realized the answer was just within ree-atch. Tarnell: $400, $420, $475, $745, 1-800-collect, 10-10-321, 40 acres and a mule, $500. Thurgood: Hmm. That should do it. Thurgood: 40 acres and a mule, $500. There. That catches up all my friends on their back payments. Mr. Sustarsic: Mr. Stubbs, you continue to amuse me. You bust your beans to repossess all these things, only to turn around and buy them all back. One question. Why? Thurgood: For one simple reason. Because there's no "I" in friendship. Thurgood: [Grunting] [Bell tolls] Thurgood: Oh, man, it's almost Christmas. Walter: He wanted to save Christmas, but what could he do? He needed a miracle, or possibly two. Thurgood: Smokey, what are you doing? Smokey: Just some last minute shoplifting. Thurgood: Smokey, with your eyes so red, won't you help me pull my sled? Smokey: Ok. Thurgood: Here, tie yourself to this. No, not that way. Tie it around your chest. Walter: Then, how the Super loved him, and he shouted out with glee, just then, the police showed up... [Siren blares, tires screech] Walter: And asked them both to show I.D. Policeman: Hey, you have receipts for all that? Thurgood: Ut! On, Smokey! [Bells jingle] Juicy: This was the worst Christmas ever. Mrs. Avery: Hmm. This warn't nothing compared to the one I spent in the hotbox at the Huntsville Women's Correctional Facility. [Bells jingle] Thurgood: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody! Look what I got. Juicy: My bicycle! Calvin: My Playstation! Mrs. Avery: My soul-capturing device! Muriel: Thurgood, but how? Thurgood: Let's just call it the "Miracle on 134th Street." Mrs. Avery: Oh. All: Super! Super! Super! Walter: What happened next to the Super, they say the hole in his heart grew three sizes that day. All: Whoo! Super, Super, Super! Walter: And that's the story of how the Super almost jacked Christmas, and everybody was happy again. Girl: That's him! That's the man who took my fish tank! Walter: Until they found out Thurgood was the repo man, and then they beat the baby bejeezus out of him. Thurgood: Aah! Not the face! Thug: Ha ha ha ha. So then, what happened? Did he catch a beating or what? That guy... hey... hey, man, you out there? [Pounding] Thug: Hey, hey, come on, let me out, man. It's Christmas. Hello? ================================================================================ Captioning made possible by Touchstone Television and Fox Broadcasting captioned by the National Captioning Institute www.Ncicap.Org ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================