-- T h e P J s -- Title: House Potty Season 1, episode 12 Aired: Tuesday, May. 11, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood wants to install a space-age toilet ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Thurgood: Eleven clogged toilets, Muriel. Eleven clogged toilets today. That's a janitor's dozen. [Sighs] The only thing that gets me through days like this is knowing that I get to come home to you. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood: Ahh. If only toilets went down as smooth as you. Muriel: Thurgood, here's your mail. Thurgood: Ah, let's see. Bill. Bill. Tickets to the NBA Finals? Heh, heh, keep trying, FBI, keep on trying. Hey, Modern Super Quarterly? Oh, boy, it's the "Supers of the Big Tenement" issue. Get real. No super has a body like this. It's all airbrush. Muriel: Ohh. Thurgood: Oh, please. That hammer's obviously-- hey... Look at that porcelain goddess. Heaven must be missing a toilet. Muriel: What is it, Thurgood? Thurgood: It's a toilet. A toilet that never needs plunging. Look here, it says "Our patented power flush technology is guaranteed to eliminate even the toughest clog or your money back. Offer void in Texas." Muriel, think of all the free time I'll have if we get this thing. I'll finally be able to finish grad school. Muriel: Thurgood, that's grade school. Thurgood: Well, either way, I'm gonna be whuppin' some dodge ball ass. HUD Woman: Next! Thurgood: Yes, I'm here to requisition a Grand Master Flush, the toilet of tomorrow. HUD Woman: Fine. Come back tomorrow. Ne-- Thurgood: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now, hold on. We both know how this works. I ask for something, you say "next," I say "ut," we go back and forth a few times. Next, ut, next, ut... so, why not just give me the toilet and save us both a lot of trouble. What do you say? HUD Woman: Next! Thurgood: Ut. Look, I ain't leaving here without my Grand Master Flush. HUD Woman: According to my records, your building doesn't have enough money left in its budget. Thurgood: So what are you saying, that if I get my budget down and raise some money on my own, the Grand Master Flush is mine? HUD Woman: That, and next! Thurgood: All right, everybody, calm down. Relax. Quiet. Quiet down. Now, I called this special meeting tonight because I have wonderful news. I, personally, have arranged, with the good people of HUD, to install something very special into our building. Calvin: What is it, Super? Thurgood: Well, I can't tell you right now, it's a surprise. [Gasps] Mrs. Avery: I like surprises. Sanchez: What is it? No, don't tell us. What is it? No, don't tell us. Juicy: Maybe it's computers to help us get into college. Thurgood: You want to get into college, you better take up a sport. Didn't you learn nothing from watching Hoop Dreams? Look, all I can tell you is, I'm bringing you... the future. Calvin: Is it bleak? I bet it's bleak. Thurgood: Well, could be, could be. You're just gonna have to wait and see. But the future doesn't come without sacrifices. Haiti Lady: Sacrifice? Now you're talking my language. Thurgood: I'm not talking about that kind of sacrifice. We need to reduce our expenses, which means cutting back on a few things that are standing in the way of progress. Namely...heat, electricity, and running water. Jimmy: No heat? No water? How do you expect us to live that way? Bebe: Same as we do now. All: Oh, ok. We'll do it. Count us in. Thurgood: Great. And mark my words, 1999 will go down as the year the Hilton Jacobs projects entered the 20th century. A whole year early. Thurgood: They gonna be so surprised. Thurgood: I figure one way to, ugh, cut down on the, ugh, water bill is to just recycle ugh, the water we already got. [Garbage disposal churns] Sanchez: [Humming] [Plop, plop] Sanchez: Aah! I'm naked and covered in garbage. I have become my father. Thurgood: By installing these low-light bulbs, we can save six cents every 35 years. Calvin: Super, isn't this a little unsafe? Thurgood: Oh, please. Nobody ever died from stumbling around a dark hallway. [Thump] Mrs. Avery: Aah! I broke something. Thurgood: You broke it, you bought it. Muriel: Aah! Thurgood, how long do we have to live like this? I can't turn on the stove to heat up my hot comb. I can't turn on a light to put on my make-up. It's a good thing it's dark, I probably look a fright. Thurgood: Muriel, you look beautiful in any light. Aahh! Don't eat me! Muriel: Thurgood, really. This nonsense has got to stop. Thurgood: I can't stop now. We haven't saved enough money to buy the toilet yet. Muriel: What else can we do? We've done everything but sell the building back to HUD. Thurgood: Hey. That gives me an idea. Muriel, turn that off. See there? Now, I forgot what I was gonna to do. Thurgood: People, I am happy to announce that our plan was a success and we have met our goal. Jimmy: Just from cutting back on electricity? Thurgood: Well, that and I sold some unneeded luxury items back to HUD. Bebe: Luxury items? Like what? Thurgood: Oh, well, just a few non-essentials like the handicapped access ramp, the lighted exit signs, the smoke detectors, the furnace, the fire escape... Sanchez: Aahh! Somebody put me out! Thurgood: And, uh, the fire extinguishers. Now, everybody, come with me. It's time for your big surprise. Calvin: We'll put you out, Mr. Sanchez. Mrs. Avery: Keep moving. I want to see the surprise. Sanchez: Thank you. Gracias. Thurgood: All right, all right, is everybody here? Everybody here? All right, good. Ok, Calvin, drum roll, please. Thurgood: Behold. The only thing greater than myself. [Ding] [Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey Plays] Sanchez: A toilet? I got third degree burns over 80% of my body for a toilet? Thurgood: Not just any toilet, this is the Grand Master Flush. Haiti Lady: But we had no water. No electricity. I went a whole month without shaving my legs. [Cricket chirping] Thurgood: Yeah, and wasn't it worth it? Bebe: What kind of idiot would put a toilet in an elevator? Thurgood: A thinking man's idiot. I made it centrally located for everybody's convenience. Mrs. Avery: What do we need a communal toilet for? We got a perfectly good outhouse on the corner. Thurgood: What? We ain't got no outhouse. [Flies buzzing] Bebe: Just one more question. How far up your ass do you want my boot? Thurgood: Hey, what are you people rushing me for? The toilet's over there. Toilet: Greetings. I am the Grand Master Flush. All: [Gasps] Jimmy: Hey, it talks. Mrs. Avery: Heh, heh, heh, heh. A talking toilet. I pulled that same con 50 years ago at the San Berdoo County Fair. Where's the midget? In the tank? Thurgood: Hey, look, it's not a con. It really talks. Toilet: The seat is ajar. The seat is ajar. Haiti Lady: It's possessed. I like it. Sanchez: They could've made his voice sound more human. Thurgood: That's nothing, folks. Now, get a load of this. Toilet: Hello, Thurgood. Thurgood: Hello, Flushy. Why don't you tell me a little about myself? [The Dating Game music plays] Toilet: He's the superintendent of the Hilton Jacobs building in the projects. And between naps in the boiler room and watching TV all day, he mananages to get his hands down a few toilets. Sorry, girls, he's taken. Thurgood: Isn't that fantastic? And it's a Xerox machine. Damn, that's pretty good resolution. All: Ooh.Oh. Wow. Thurgood: Of course, the best feature of all is this bowl never gets clogged. Haiti Lady: What if you flush down the gutted entrails of a middle-aged superintendent? Thurgood: It just rinses right away. So what do you say? Should we keep the toilet? Mrs. Avery: I say we got ourselves a house potty. [Cheering] ================================================================================ [Glass shatters] [Car alarm] Thurgood: Hear that, Muriel? Peace and quiet. Peace and quiet. The phone hasn't rung all day. I don't have no tenants calling me up and complaining about their clogged up toilets. I think somebody owes somebody an apology. Muriel: Thurgood, I supported the idea of the Grand Master Flush. Thurgood: I'm waiting. Muriel: Thur-- I'm sorry. Thurgood: That's ok, Muriel. You weren't the only non-believer. HUD didn't want to give it to me, either. The nerve of 'em. And they got the audacity to call themselves the "Help Us Department." Muriel: HUD stands for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Thurgood: Housing and Urban Development? The would be H-A-U-D. Look, don't be ignorant, Muriel. Do you really think the government of the U.S.O.A. Would leave out an "and"? Now, excuse me while I write HUD an angry lettery. Thurgood: "Dearest HUD, [Clears throat] How are you? I am fine. But you are not so fine. If you really want to help the little people, and I don't mean the project elves that put clean socks and underwear in my drawer while I'm sleeping--" Muriel: Project elves? I put-- Thurgood: Muriel! Writing. "It's time you see to it that the basic human needs like freedom, equality, and talking toilets are made available to everyone. Especially talking toilets. Signed, your humble servant, Thurgood O. Stubbs, esquire." Muriel: Thurgood, are you sure-- Thurgood: Still writing. Sealed with a lick 'cause a kiss don't stick. Muriel: Thurgood, shouldn't you be at work? Thurgood: No, I should not. The Grand Master Flush has handled all my duties, freeing up my time for loftier pursuits like this. I've invented a machine that browns bread by heating it. Muriel: You mean, like a toaster? Thurgood: Where were you three days ago? [Liquid bubbling] Muriel: Thurgood, stop playing with your 40. [Beer bubbling] Thurgood: [Groans] Muriel: Goody, what's the matter? Thurgood: I'm bored. Bored out of my mind. Ain't nothing to do, Muriel. There's plenty to do. Why don't you go ride bikes with Calvin? Thurgood: I can't. We not friends this week. Muriel: You know, Thurgood, maybe the Grand Master Flush could use a check-up. Thurgood: Hey, that's not a bad idea at all. It's been getting a lot of use. I'm sure it could use some maintenance. [Dance club music plays] Tarnell: Last call for Avery, party of one, for number two. Tarnell: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you have a reservation? Thurgood: What? Tarnell: An Andrew Jackson and you can drain your Johnson. Thurgood: Look, this is a toilet, not a country club. I can get into a toilet. Smokey: Towel? Cologne? Your VCR? Thurgood: I think not. Smokey: Breath freshener? Thurgood: What are those, Tic Tacs? Smokey: Um, ok. Thurgood: Get out of here, you Tac-head. Thurgood: Finally, I can get my hands back into the toilet where they belong. Toilet: [Beep] All systems functional. No further maintenance required. Ever. Thurgood: Ut. Something's gotta be wrong with this thing. Let me take a look here. Toilet: Please do not touch my lid. You have more germs under your fingernails than I have around my entire rim. Thurgood: What? Look, I'm not gonna stand here and take any of your lid. Toilet: Well, you are certainly not gonna sit, you filthy, filthy man. Thurgood: Why, you--if you weren't a ladies room, I'd take you outside. Toilet: [Printing] Thurgood: Well, what's this? Toilet: Your resume. You're gonna need it. Heh heh. Thurgood: I'm not gonna need any-- Ooh, it's quilted. Muriel: How's the toilet, Thurgood? Did it require lots of your skilled maintenance? Thurgood: The toilet was fine. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, finey, fine, fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine! Muriel: You don't like that toilet, do you? If you don't like it, you can say so. Thurgood: I hate it. I hatey-hate hate hatey-hate hate hate it! Muriel: But why? Thurgood: It's out to get me, that's why. Muriel: It's not out to get you. It's here to make your life easier. That toilet's got your backside. Thurgood: That toilet is putting me out of a job, Muriel. Muriel: Well, it's only a toilet. And if you don't want it here, just go down to HUD, and tell them to take it back. Thurgood: Muriel, Muriel, that's perfect. God, woman, if you weren't my wife I'd kiss you. Thurgood: You listen up, and you listen good. I want you to call your flunkies and have them hightail it down to my building and get rid of that lousy, stinking latrine. HUD Woman: Latrine? Oh, Lord, what has my sister done now? Thurgood: I ain't talking 'bout your sister. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking 'bout that Grand Bastard Flush. I want it out. HUD Woman: The Grand Master Flush has proven itself to be extremely cost efficient. Thurgood: Oh, please, I'm ten times more efficient than that thing. And I can prove it, too. HUD Woman: What are you talking about? Thurgood: What am I talking about? I know, an equal contest. Man vs. Machine. If I win, the toilet goes. HUD Woman: And if you lose, it's NEXT door for you. Thurgood: What's next door? HUD Woman: Unemployment. Next! ================================================================================ Thurgood: I gotta win this contest, Muriel. I can't lose my job. I'm too old to start from the bottom again. Muriel: Thurgood, this is the only job you've ever had. Thurgood: What about the time I worked for the Highway Department? Muriel: Community service doesn't count. Walter: Welcome to the Man vs. Machine contest. Today's competition is brought to you by the Department of Housing and Urban Development. HUD, the poor people people. Walter: [Ala Wrestle Mania] Now, let's get ready to rooter! [Applause] Walter: In this corner, at 132 pounds dripping wet, the lean mean porcelain machine, the great white hope... Grand Master Flush! [Cheering] Walter: And in this corner, with a blood pressure of 240 over 120 and a heart the size of three men, our very own overweight and out of shape Thurgood Stubbs! [Silence] [Cricket chirps] Walter: Uh, I tried to sell you, Thurgood, but they ain't buying. Thurgood: Could you please start the contest? Walter: All right, we will begin the contest with the clogging of the toilets. We've asked the tenants to bring their most clog-worthy items. Mrs. Avery? Mrs. Avery: Cloth diapers. You can't prove they're mine. Juicy: My weight loss chart. Sanchez: My beloved Esperanza... [Gasps] Sanches: Will never wear these clothes again. Walter: And lastly, though they were very expensive to obtain, some compromising photographs of yours truly. Along with the negatives. Now remember, the fastest to declog keeps his job. Thurgood, you ready? Thurgood: Ready to kick some toilet butt. Walter: Then...unclog! [Toilet flushes] Thurgood: Ut. Toilet: I win. Game, set, light a match. HUD Woman: Next! Super. Ha ha ha! Thurgood: I just don't understand it. I never met a toilet I couldn't lick. Walter: Thurgood, don't give up. Thurgood: Oh, no sense in trying to cheer me up. I'm a loser. Walter: I know. But I really need you to flush down those pictures. Haiti Lady: Well, I'm surprised it took this long for a toilet to outsmart him. Mrs. Avery: Yeah, loser. [Knuckles cracking] Mrs. Avery: Loser! Bebe: You'll probably want to leave Hilton Jacobs now. Ha ha. And don't let the broken door hit you on the way out. Mrs. Avery: Let's go home and potty like it's 1999. All: Go, toilet! Go, toilet! Go, toilet! Go, toilet! Muriel: Thurgood, are you ok? Thurgood: Muriel, I just see this as a minor roadblock on the path of my crusade. And if sobriety check points have taught me anything, it's best to just plow right through. Muriel: But what will you do? You've lost your job. Thurgood: Now, now, Muriel, HUD can't just let me go... after all the years of faithful service I've given them! Hell, no. I'm sure they'll find a position that lets me keep my dignity. [Ding] Thurgood: Breath mint? Mrs. Avery: Yeah. And you could use some deodorant, too. Smokey: What's going on here? A guy passes out for three days and suddenly he's replaced? This is an outrage. Well, I won't stand for it. Thurgood: Great. Now I gotta clean that up. Toilet: Ok, Thurgood, I'm ready to be flushed and cleaned. Thurgood: What? Toilet: Now, now, it's just till I can think of something more degrading. Thurgood: Well, all right. But don't you go getting all hoity-toilet with me. I am the superintendent of this building. Toilet: You were the superintendent. Now you're the washroom attendant. Thurgood: Look, you may have taken my job, but you can never take my dignity. Now move your ballcock, if you want me to wipe your rim. Thurgood: I'm such a loser, Muriel. Muriel: Thurgood, you are not a loser. Look around you. Wait! Stop! Come with me. Thurgood, look at these. Thurgood: Yeah, my trophies. So what? Muriel: What did you win this one for? Thurgood: Super of the Year. Muriel: Uh-huh, and this one? Thurgood: Well, that's my B-emmy for Lifetime Achievement in the custodial arts. Muriel: That's right. And what's on top? Thurgood: A little man with a plunger. Muriel: That's right, a man. Not a machine, not a space-aged toilet, but a man. My man. Thurgood: Yeah, and he's a tough little mother, too. Ooh, his little head fell off. Muriel: Thurgood, remember it's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude. Thurgood: Muriel, you don't see any trophies for comprehension here. What are you trying to say? Muriel: I'm trying to say, you're only as good as you think you are. Thurgood: [Groans] Muriel: And you're good. You think you're good. Thurgood: Yeah. Muriel: But you're gonna have to accept that that toilet's here to stay. But remember one thing... even though that toilet took your job, it can never take what's inside of you. Thurgood: Yeah, it can't take what's inside of me. Wait! Yes, it can. In fact, it must. Thurgood: Uh, master flush, you mind if I come in and have a minute with you? Toilet: Hello, Thurgood. [Ding] Thurgood: Oh, so you recognize my voice, huh? Toilet: Not exactly. [Fan turns on] Toilet: Now, what is it you wanted to talk about? Thurgood: Well, I just want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was out of control and out of line. Toilet: Apology accepted. I guess you deserve a little more respect. Oh, by the way, my urinal cake needs to be replaced. Thurgood: Yeah, I got your new squirt cake right here. But I just wanted to clear up, you know, all the-- the miscommunication we've been having about my bad mood. I been in a bad mood basically 'cause I been taking a lot of crap from the tenants. But, hey, who am I talking to, right? Toilet: I don't understand. What do you mean? Thurgood: You know what I mean. We both kinda get dumped on by the tenants. Me, figuratively, and you... the opposite of figuratively. Toilet: Thurgood, you're not making any sense. Thurgood: I just mean, you know, people come in here, and they pull down their pants, and their drawers, and they climb up on top of you, and-- Toilet: And? Thurgood: [Whispers] Toilet: They do what?! Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Why? Why? [Sobbing] I can't believe people do that to me. How did I fall so short of my dream? Thurgood: Oh, there, there, Flushy, Flushy, that's all right. Here you go. Toilet: [Blowing nose] I wanted to be a thing of beauty. [Blowing nose] Thurgood: Don't worry, don't worry. It's gonna be all right. I'll tell you what. I got a great idea. Haiti Lady: Super, Super, it's terrible. Somebody stole our toilet. Thurgood: Now, now, calm down. Your John didn't get jacked. All: Ooh. Calvin: Oh, man. All: Ooh. Mrs. Avery: What's all the commotion? Sanchez: Super turned our toilet into a fountain. Mrs. Avery: You mean it's not in the elevator anymore? Word to the wise, take the stairs. Bebe: What kind of idiot turns a toilet into a fountain? Thurgood: An idiot with the mind of a child. All: Aw. Thurgood: I guess now we know once and for all that man is better than machine. All: Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure is. Bebe: "Thurgood Stubbs Memorial Fountain." "Memorial." Ha ha. I like the sound of that. Thurgood: Yeah, isn't that great? Wait till you see the best part. All: Look at that. That color's changin'. Muriel: Now it's green! Thurgood: Now, what the hell makes blue water turn green? Smokey: Uh, my bad. Thurgood: Ut. ================================================================================ ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================