-- T h e P J s -- Title: Home School Daze Season 2, episode 1 Aired: Tuesday, May 30, 2000 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood Goes back to school with the boys to get his diploma ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Juicy: [heavy breathing] Luke, join me. It is your destiny! Calvin: Juicy Vader, I will never come over to the dark-skinned side. Juicy: Luke, I am your father. Probably. Calvin: No! Thurgood: What the-- are you boys Kweisi Mfume? What are you doing? Calvin: Playing Star Gang Wars. Thurgood: Oh, for Cripsake. Gimme those. And, Juicy, stop breathing like Darth Vader. Juicy: [Snort] I did. Thurgood: Oh, and what are you boys doing around here, cutting up, anyway? Shouldn't you be in school cutting up? Calvin: There is no school. Our teachers are out on strike. Thurgood: On strike? Now that's ridiculous. Don't they care about you kids? A mind is a terrible thing to waste. That's what United Negro League says. Come on, boys. I'm calling a tenant's meeting so we can get everybody on the same Satchel Paige. Both: Huh? Thurgood: As those of us who read the newspaper already know, the teachers went on strike yesterday. Now we've got to figure out something to do with these kids. Jimmy: I know a sweatshop that's hiring. How fast can you stitch a baseball? Calvin: Baseball? Yo, that sounds great. Juicy: Yeah, stitching ain't bad, either. Thurgood: They are not working in a sweatshop. Do you boys want to live in these projects all your lives? 'Cause if you do, you're gonna need an education. I'm not gonna let the system rob you of that. Calvin: That's ok, Super. We're used to getting robbed. Juicy: Yeah, especially at school. Why can't we just stay home and play? Thurgood: Hey, look, you ain't gonna be just hanging around here all day doing nothing. You ain't grown. Muriel: Bebe, remember that big blizzard back when we were kids? We were stuck at home for two weeks. Bebe: Uh-huh. I was so pissed 'cause I couldn't see my boyfriend. Funny, it seemed so important then. Today, I can't even remember what subject he taught. Muriel: Anyway, while we were home, our mama taught us our lessons herself. Thurgood: Muriel, could you focus, please? We're trying to figure out what to do with the boys. Muriel: Thurgood, I'm suggesting we should try home schooling. Thurgood: Home schooling? Bebe: Wait, I just remembered. He taught Anatomy. Heh heh heh. Thurgood: Will you shut up? This ain't your time at the Apollo. Muriel: Thurgood, home schooling is a good idea, and it's only temporary. The strike can't last that long. And we'd be helping the children. Thurgood: Helping the children, huh? Well, you know, I don't know about that. Haiti Lady: Come on, Super. It'd be fun. Mrs. Avery: Everybody can teach a different class. Jimmy: I want to teach Black History. Thurgood: Now, what do you know about black history, man? You're from Korea, Jimmy. You teach 'em Driver's Ed. Muriel: Hmm. I'll teach Social Studies. Sanchez: And I'll teach Debate. Thurgood: Oh, hell no, you won't. Sanchez: You win. Muriel: Ooh! This will be so much fun. Thurgood: Welcome to the Hilton Jacobs Honors Academy. All: [Applause] Thurgood: Now we'll have our ceremonial first student walking through the metal detector. Juicy, if you will? [Alarm sounds] Thurgood: What the-- Juicy: Oh, my stomach staples. Heh heh. [Bell rings] Mrs. Avery: Juicy Hudson? Juicy: Here. Mrs. Avery: Juicy...Hudson? Juicy: Here! Mrs. Avery: Last call. Juicy Hudson? Juicy: Here! Here! Mrs. Avery: Huh. Absent. Not a good way to start the semester. [Bell rings] Sanchez: Ok, students, repeat after me. Buenos dias. Both: Buenos dias. Sanchez: ¿Como esta? Both: ¿Como esta? Sanchez: Good. You even got the inflection. Both: [Imitating Sanchez's laugh] Calvin: "Now that the negro has integrated baseball, can basketball be far behind? Only the 1950's will tell." Muriel: Let me see that, Calvin. This book was written in 1948. [Buzzes] Muriel: Principal Stubbs, can you come here, please? [Toilet flushes] Thurgood: Please make it fast, Mrs. Stubbs. I have some unfinished business. Muriel: Thurgood, listen to this. "Before a young woman has a child, she may want to experience the workplace to have a better appreciation for just how hard her hubby works. Options include secretary, nurse, and meter maid." Can you believe these professions? Thurgood: Yeah. They forgot the oldest one. Muriel: Thurgood, this book is hopelessly out-of-date. We can't educate our children with these sub-par materials. Thurgood: You are damn right. I say we should go on strike! Muriel: Oh, that's what got us here in the first place. Thurgood: Mm-mm-mmm. Thurgood: Come on, boys. I have another plan. Woman: Next! Thurgood: Ahem. I'm Principal-Dean-Headmaster Thrugood Stubbs of the Hilton Jacobs Academy, and I demand adequate learning materials for our students. Woman: Do you need the honors or remedial curriculum? Thurgood: Mmm. Uh, better give one of each. Woman: I'll just need to see your accreditation. Thurgood: Oh, well, uh, see, my credit's a little shaky right now. It seems there's a loose definition of what constitutes interstate bank fraud. Muriel: No. Thurgood, she needs our qualifications. Woman: Just proof that all your faculty members have their diplomas. Thurgood: Are you insinuating that some of us are not qualified? Woman: We'll start with you. Thurgood: I am not qualified. Muriel: Thurgood, you mean you don't have a diploma? But you told me you graduated. Thurgood: Oh, what's the big deal? The Navy didn't care, and they let me fire a bazooka. I had 30 kills, and now you're gonna tell me I can't teach health? Woman: Sorry. All teachers must have a diploma. Next! Thurgood: Look, these boys need an education, and I'm not gonna let anything stop me from providing it to them. Woman: Fine. You want to teach these kids, then you gotta go back to school yourself. Mmm? Thurgood: Boys, you're gonna be sailors. ================================================================================ Muriel: Thurgood, I agree with the board. You really should go back to school. You can take classes with Calvin and Juicy. Thurgood: Are you out of your mind? Go to school with the kids? Muriel, I'm 49 years old. I have nothing in common with them. Juicy: [Passes gas] Thurgood: Heh heh heh heh. Good one, Juicy. Juicy: Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Thurgood: Whoever denied it, fried it. Heh heh. Muriel: Hmm. Thurgood, most of the material the kids are studying would be on your general equivalency test. You'd be setting a good example for the boys. Thurgood: Well, why must I be the kids' role model, Muriel? Shouldn't it be their daddies? Sorry, Calvin. Muriel: Well, then, if you don't have to go, then the boys don't, either. Boys, quit school. Both: Huh? Muriel: Boys, quit school. Live on the streets. Waste your potential. Calvin: Hey, all right! Both: No school! Yeah! Thurgood: Ok, Muriel, you win. Call the National Guard. I'm going back to school. Muriel: Class, I'd like to introduce our new student, Thurgood. Juicy: Hey. Thurgood rhymes with "dookey." [Both laugh] Thurgood: Teacher, he's mocking me. Muriel: Ok, boys. Be nice. Calvin: For my favorite teacher. Muriel: Oh, Calvin, how sweet of you. Aren't you the little charmer. Humph. Thurgood: Uh, Mrs. Stubbs, I got a little something for you, too. Muriel: Oh! Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood: You're out of your league, boy. [Chuckles] [Bell rings] Jimmy: Ok, Calvin, can you tell me what regulates the flow of blood through the body? Calvin: Um, um... Thurgood: Nitro glycerin pills. Nitro glycerin pills. Calvin: The heart? Thurgood: Oh. Jimmy: Good. Now, Juicy, could you tell us which vein supplies blood to the heart? Thurgood: The leg. The leg. Juicy: The leg? Jimmy: No, I'm afraid that's wrong. Thurgood: What? What do you mean wrong? Hey, let me tell you something. I had a vein taken from my leg to supply blood to my heart. Look, I'm gonna have to break it down for the whole class. Can I borrow this? Thank you. Jimmy: Ugh. Thurgood: Look, look. Now, through the miracle of hypertension, the blood squeezes through the clogged heart, oozes through the body, bypassing the feet, then back to the heart to start up again, except for the runoff, which goes through the bladder and directly into the shower. Come on, people. This is not science. Jimmy: Ok. Now does anyone know what causes a heart attack? Thurgood: Oh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Whoa-whoa! Thurgood: Heh heh heh heh. No more teacher's dirty looks. Oh, that's funny. That's a good one. That's rich. Heh heh heh. [Bell rings] Thurgood: Yeah! Oh! [All cheer] Thurgood: Yay! School's out! [All cheer] Muriel: Thurgood, how was your day at school? Thurgood: Fine. Muriel: That's it? Just fine? Thurgood: Who am I kidding, Muriel? It was fantastically great! It was the best day of my life! Muriel: Thurgood, that's wonderful. Thurgood: Aw, Muriel. Let me ask you a question. Honestly, have you ever been in love? 'Cause I bet it feels just like this. Muriel: I'm glad you're so excited. Thurgood: It is so much fun, Muriel. I can't even remember why I quit in the first place. Muriel: Pop quiz! Young Thurgood: Pop--pop quiz? Pop quiz? Nobody told me there was gonna be no pop quiz. Teacher: That's why it's calle a pop quiz. It's a surprise. Young Thurgood: Ut... Thurgood: Ut... You're already on number 15? Juicy: Shh. Thurgood: Calvin, what did you get for number one? Calvin: Leave me alone. Thurgood: "Leave me alone." Thanks. What did you get for number two? Muriel: Time's up. Thurgood: Oh! Muriel: Ok, just sit quietly while I grade your quizzes. Calvin, very good. You got an A-minus. Juicy, much better. B-minus. Thurgood, well, I'm afraid you failed. [Both snicker] Calvin: That's ok. Stupor. [Laughs] Muriel: But don't worry. You can take a retest. [Grunting] Muriel: Thurgood, what are you doing? Thurgood: I'm taking my retest. Why don't you grade it now? Muriel: Oh! [All laugh] Thurgood: Whoo! Yeah, that's a good one. Mrs. Avery: "The bad dog got kick-ded." Pay attention! "The bad dog got kick-ded by the girl what got bit-ted by him." Does anyone know what the word "dog" represents in this sentence? Thurgood: Yeah, you. Heh heh heh heh. Haiti Lady: Here, between Bolivia and Peru, is Lake Titicaca. Thurgood: Heh heh heh heh. Haiti Lady: What? There's nothing funny about Lake Titicaca. Thurgood: Yeah. Is it next to Mount Booby-poo-poo? Heh heh heh heh. Lake Titicaca- poopy-da-poo-poo. Titty-da-poo-poo. Haiti Lady: Thurgood Stubbs! I don't know what's come over you, but you've been destructive all morning. Thurgood: Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made. Heh heh heh heh heh. Yeah. Calvin: Fudge is made? Thurgood: Hey. What do you say we skip out on old man Sanchez's class? I know where the janitor keeps his dirty magazines. Both: Ewww. Thurgood: What's the matter? You-- brawk brawk brawk brawk? Calvin: Super, you were kind of funny at first, but now it's just kind of pathetic. Right, Juicy? Juicy: I'm just glad i'm not the dumb kid in the class anymore. Thurgood: Hey, I'm not dumb. You take that back. Juicy: It's ok, Super. We know you're just acting up 'cause you got a learning disorder. I used to do that till I discovered overeating. Thurgood: I said i'm not dumb. You take it back right now. Take it back! Calvin: What the hell are you doing? That's Juicy. Juicy: Oh, don't worry, Calvin. I don't fight dummies. Thurgood: Don't fight dummies, huh? Well, we'll see about that. Juicy: Oh, oh, oh! Ow! Oh, that hurts. [Grunting] Muriel: Thurgood, what are you doing? Stop it! Ooh. You should know better. Now apologize to Juicy. Thurgood: Grrraargh. All right. I'm sorry... You were ever born! [All grunting] Juicy: Punk! Thurgood: You little bi-atch! Muriel: Thurgood, you go into the house right now and think about what you've done. Thurgood: Why do you automatically take his side? You don't understand me. Nobody understands me. I hate you! Muriel: Thurgood! Thurgood: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! [Crying] Muriel: Oh. ================================================================================ Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. [Sniffs] Ooh, Thurgood! [Door rattles] Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood: Hi, Muriel. Muriel: I was worried sick. Are you ok? Thurgood: Yeah, I'm fine. Muriel: Why did you run away like that? Was it your school work? Because if-- Thurgood: Muriel. I'm not going back to school, and I don't want to talk about it. Muriel: Goody, you don't have to. The teachers' strike ended today. The kids are back in the classroom. Thurgood: Oh, well, good. Muriel: But that doesn't mean you can't still study for your G.E.D. Thurgood: Why, so I can fail that, too, face everybody's ridicule? I can just hear them now. There goes Thurgood the loser. Thurgood can't finish school. Thurgood's stupid. Muriel: No one would say anything like that. Thurgood: I would. Muriel: Thurgood, the tenants aren't gonna make fun of you. Thurgood: But, Muriel, I'm a drop-out. Muriel: Thurgood, don't worry. No one's even gonna give this a second thought. Jimmy: Thurgood. We need a new screen for our window. Thurgood: What happened to the old one? Jimmy: Stupid thing. It dropped out. Thurgood: Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? I--I mean, it flunked, uh, it fell out. That's ok. It fell out. It doesn't make it any less of a screen. Thurgood: [Grumbles] Sanchez: Maybe I need a mattress that's flame-retardant. Thurgood: Retarded? Who the hell you calling retarded? Sanchez: What? What did I say? When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut off? Thurgood: All right, I've got to calm down. Reading too much into what people say. Everybody's not mocking me. Juicy: Super, could you fix our door? It's stuck. Thurgood: Why don't you just come out and say what you really mean? I'm a big, fat, stupid door, flunked out of school, and I'm stuck in the projects. Say it! Say it to me! Juicy: [Cries] Thurgood: Juicy, Juicy, I didn't mean that. Juicy, I'm breaking down. Juicy, no. Oh, me. Smokey: Oh, hey, Super. You shopping, too? You look a little down in the dumpster. Thurgood: Yeah, people just don't give me no respect. You know what it's like for high-school dropouts like us. Smokey: Uh--uh, you mean dropouts like you, Super. I got my diploma. Thurgood: You finished high school? Smokey: Sure. I was highest in my class. Thurgood: God, even a crackhead can do good in school. Smokey: Uh, that's "do well," Super, but, look, if school's too tough for you, why don't you take your G.E.D.? Thurgood: I tried, i tried, but I'm just no good at taking tests. Smokey: So why don't you just take the test orally? Thurgood: Orally? I didn't know you could take a test orally. Hey, that's a great idea. I'm really good at thinking on my feet, too. Plus, it will give me a chance to show off my really big vocabulary, and it's really, really big. Big, big, big, and good. It's a big, good, really big, good vocabulary. Smokey: Now, you're gonna need a tutor. I think we'll start with English. Smokey: Ok, let's get cracking. What happened on March 5th, 1770? Thurgood: Uh, let's see. March 5th. Fifth dimension. Mmm, Jackson Five. Five. I'm running out of fives. Mrs. Avery: Super. There you are, shirking like usual. The lights are off in my apartment again. This is the fifth time, you stupid-intendent. Thurgood: I will fix it in a minute, you old bat. [Door slams] Thurgood: God, that woman gets me all worked up, and the answer to your question is the Boston Massacre, which was the first major skirmish leading up to the Revolutionary War. Smokey: Correct. Thurgood: I could kill that old woman. Song: I'm taking care of business, woman, can't you see? I gotta make it for you and I gotta make it for me. Oh, sometimes it seems, girl, I'm neglecting you. Well, I'd love to spend more time. I got so many things to do. Whoa, I- I- I got work to do. I got work, baby (I got work to do) I got a job, baby (I got work to do) I got work to do (I got work to do) Said I got work to do (I got work to do) Whoo! Thurgood: Well, smokey, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Smokey: Super, you studied hard, and I'm very proud of you, and I want you to have this. It's very dear to me. My granddaddy had it in the war. He had to hide it-- Thurgood: Gimme that! That's my watch, and I told you that story yesterday. Smokey: Godspeed, Thurgood Stubbs! Man2: Uh, let's begin, Mr. Stubbs. The G.E.D. Test consists of 200 questions that cover a wide variety of subjects. Man1: We'll examine your knowledge of Math, Civics, History, English, and Science. Thurgood: I'll take Civics for 200, please. Man1: This is not a game show, Mr. Stubbs. Your first question is, "Who was the first black Supreme--" Thurgood: Diana Ross! Man1: [Clears throat] Um, let me finish. "The first black Supreme Court Justice?" Thurgood: Oh. Oh, man, I know this one. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Think, Thurgood, think. Oh...Can we come back to that? Man2: Uh, very well. Who was the first person to die in the Boston Massacre? Thurgood: Uh, Boston Massacre, Boston Massacre. Uh, I studied this one. I know this. Uh, mmm, wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Man2: We can't tell you because then it wouldn't be a test, would it? [Men laugh] Man3: Mr. Stubbs, it wouldn't be a test. [Laughing raucously] Mrs. Avery: Is something wrong? Are you stupid? Thurgood: I'm not stupid, you dried up old bag. The first victim of the Boston Massacre was Crispus Attucks. Man1: Uh, ok. Now, going back to the first Black Supreme Court Justice. Jimmy: What's the matter? Don't you know the history of our people, my brother? Thurgood: His name is Thurgood Marshall, and you are not black! Man1: Uh, correct. Quite observant. I'm Indian and French. Man2: Next question. "Who formulated the theory of gravity?" Bebe: Yeah, you know. The force that keeps your fat ass in your easy chair all night. Thurgood: Sir Isaac Newton. And never mind about my fat ass! Man2: Gladly. That's 3 correct. Thurgood: Come on, bring it on! Bring it on, all of you! Sanchez: Highest mountain in the world? Thurgood: Shut up, Sanchez. Everest. Haiti Lady: The Capitol of Alabama? Montgomery. Thurgood: Now go to Hades, Haiti! Mrs. Avery: Seventh planet from the sun. Idiot. Moron. When you gonna fix my toilet? Thurgood: Uranus, uranus, uranus! Never! Thurgood: Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Rwanda. Fermat's last theorem. Lech Walesa. Zero. You don't bury the survivors. Thurgood: [Humming] Muriel: My, you certainly are in a good mood. Thurgood: Well, Muriel, maybe it's because I have one less thing to be ashamed of. Muriel: Thurgood, you went to the dentist. Thurgood: No, this don't have nothing to do with pyorrhea. I got something even better. This. Muriel: Thurgood! You got your G.E.D.! Thurgood: Yep, that's right. Dr. King's dream has come rue. I've finally achieved equivalency. Muriel: This is great, Thurgood. Oh, let's get everybody together and tell them. Thurgood: Nope. No, no, Muriel. I didn't do this for everybody else. I did it for myself. I did it for us. Muriel: I'm very proud of you, Goody, but you don't have to stop here. You could go on to college, maybe even go after your Master's. Thurgood: Oh, Muriel, you know, I tell you, they died so, so long ago, let's just let bygones be bygones. Muriel: Ah. ================================================================================ Captions paid for by Warner Bros. Inc. ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================