-- T h e P J s -- Title: He's Gotta Have It Season 1, episode 8 Aired: Tuesday, February 23, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood's libido increases when he take a prescription drug to stabilize his blood pressure. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Jimmy: Aw! Calvin & Juicy: Aw! Muriel: Oh! This heat is unbearable. Thurgood! How many times have I told you, don't sit in the icebox, especially with the door closed. Thurgood: Muriel, you know I can't sleep with that light on. [Knock on door] Thurgood: I tell ya, if it ain't the heat, it's the stupidity. Mrs. Avery: Super, it's too hot. When ya gonna turn down the furnace? Thurgood: The furnace ain't on. It's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat. Mrs. Avery: Well, when you gonna fix my calendar? Thurgood: What the hell you buy a calendar for anyway? You ain't gonna get to finish it. Muriel: Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery. Thurgood: You know somethin'? You're right. You dried-up old gargoyle! Thanks, Muriel. I can always count on you to remind me to do the important things. Muriel: Weren't you supposed to go to HUD and pick up those air conditioners? Thurgood: Don't become your mother now. HUD Lady: Next. Thurgood: Yeah look, I come to get some air conditioners. It's sweltering out here. HUD Lady: I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Lavelle, turn down the AC. It's freezing back here. HUD Lady: Oh... You're still out there? How rude of me. Next! Thurgood: Why can't I ever go to HUD and get what I want? Oh. I don't feel so good. Oh, the room is spinning. I feel a little Dizzy... Gillespie. HUD Lady: Oh, sir, you don't look so well. Would you like me to call you a physician? Thurgood: Well, uh... HUD Lady: It's no trouble at all. His name is Doctor-- Next! Thurgood: [Moan] Thurgood: So I waited two hours, and this Doctor Next never even showed up. Muriel: I don't like these dizzy spells. You need to see a real doctor. I should take you to County. Thurgood: Well, what's it gonna be-- a real doctor or County? Oh, forget it. I'll be fine. Ain't nothin' wrong with me that a nice pork chop sandwich ain't gonna fix. Muriel: Thurgood, I'm a little worried about your diet. Look. I got you some nice nonfat fatback and tofu pigs' feet. I can cook them in some artificial bacon-fat substitute. Thurgood: What, are you trying to kill me? Muriel: I'm tryin' to save you. Now give me that sandwich. Thurgood: You can have my smothered, deep-fried pork chop sandwich when you pry it out of my cold, dead hand. [Beep] Muriel: Is he gonna be ok, Doctor? Doctor: Ma'am, your father's in excellent condition for a man in his 60s. Muriel: He's my husband, and he's 48. Doctor: 48!? Thurgood: It burns! I'm in hell! I'm in hell! Doctor: No, Thurgood. You're in County Hospital. Thurgood: The devil has many addresses. Outta my way. I'm leavin', and there's no force on Heaven or Earth that can stop-- [sproing] Thurgood: Except a catheter. Doctor: Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode which we believe was due to prolonged hypertension. Thurgood: Give it to me in English, doc. Doctor: You have very high blood pressure. Thurgood: Hey, look, we didn't all go to Devry, all right? Doctor: Ok... Your blood is bad, especially when you get mad. And if you die, you'll be very, very sad. Ok? Thurgood: Now, was that so hard? I hear what you're sayin'. You're telling me I'm a few steps away from being a janitor in a drum, right? Muriel: Oh, my. Doctor: Now, now. There is hope. There's a promising new drug for hypertension, although it's still in the experimental stage. Thurgood: Hell, no. Back on up. No more experiments. I learned my lesson with them Olestra potato chips. You think I need a tube in my front? Doctor: The experiment pays $50. Thurgood: Huh, then I'm your Miss Ever's Boy. Doctor: The side effects are minimal, and the results have been promising. Thurgood: You hear that, Muriel? 50 bucks. Doctor: To qualify for the program, you need a systolic reading of 200. Thurgood: Readin'? Nobody said nothin' about no readin'. Doctor: Your blood pressure's high. In fact, dangerously high. Thurgood: All right! Doctor: But not fatal. Thurgood: Damn. Why me, Lord? Doctor: I'm afraid you're at 190, which is too low to qualify for the new drug. Muriel: Hmm. Well, tell me, Doctor, what kind of things can raise a man's blood pressure? Doctor: Hmm, let's see-- aggravation, a high-fat diet, excess alcohol... Muriel: Thurgood, you're halfway there. Thurgood: Doc, I'm gonna come back with your 200. You just be here with my 50. TV: Where's the strangest place we've ever made whopee? Hmm...I'd have to say... Thurgood: Muriel! Muriel, move. Muriel: Like this? La-la la-la-la-la. Thurgood: Muriel, what the hell you doin'? Muriel: Is it aggravatin' you? Thurgood: Hell, yeah. It's makin' my blood boil. Muriel, you're a genius. Help me strap it on. [Whoosh] Muriel: Go, Thurgood. Raise the pressure. Thurgood: 195. Not bad, but we can do better. Good job on the butt dance. It really made me, you know...hot. Muriel: It did? Thurgood: Not that kind of hot. Muriel: Here you go, Goody. I made your favorites-- chicken-fried, steak-fried chicken, beer-battered fish-- no fish, extra batter-- and a nice fried salad. Thurgood: Yay! Batter, batter, batter! Muriel: Uh-uh-uh. Thurgood: What? Oh. Good lookin' out, Muriel. Muriel: Well, the doctor says we've got to raise your pressure to get it down. Thurgood: Yeah. Get up to get down. That's what P-funk say. Well? Muriel: 196, stupid. Thurgood: "Stupid"? Muriel: 197. 196. 195. Thurgood: Oh, I'll never crack 200. It's just like the SATs all over again. Muriel: Thurgood, don't give up. Thurgood: It's no use, Muriel. Nothing can get me aggravated enough. Muriel: Thurgood, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. All right, Juicy, drop 'em. [Falling object whooshes] [glass shatters] Thurgood: What the fugee's goin' on out there? [Whoosh] Thurgood: My 40s! [Whoosh] Thurgood: Juicy! Juicy: Hi, Super. Fore...ty! Thurgood: I'm gonna kill that boy! He's gonna meet his maker today. Muriel: 198. Thurgood: I'll push him off. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna push him off. Muriel: 199. Thurgood: Where is he? I'll kill him! Muriel: 200! You did it! Thurgood, you'd better stop. You're 210. 230. 240. Juicy: Two 40s? Ok. [Crash] Thurgood: Why, you little-- oh! That don't feel right. Juciy: Congratulations, Super. You made it. Super? ================================================================================ Doctor: Congratulations, Mr. Stubbs. You've been accepted into our hypertension drug study. How do you feel? Thurgood: I tell ya, I'm so excited, I can barely breathe. Or feel my left arm. Doctor: Good. We're off on the right foot. Thurgood: Yeah, I can't feel that, either. Muriel: Ok, Goody, time for your first pill. Down the hatch. Well, what are you waiting for? Thurgood: I don't trust no pills that don't have Fred Flintstones on 'em. Muriel: I think they're Dino's eggs. Thurgood: Muriel, don't patronize me. Dino was a boy. Ah. Muriel, I feel an odd sense of calm and contentment, as if my hypertension has just melted away. Muriel: Thurgood, the pill's on your mustache. Thurgood: Damn it! I knew these wouldn't work. Muriel: Thurgood, just take the pill. Thurgood: What did you flush down here? Haiti Lady: Uh, just cotton balls. Thurgood: This is a goat's head. Haiti Lady: Cotton Balls was his name. Thurgood: Haiti Lady, what did I tell you I'd do the last time you flushed a goat's head? I said-- I said I'd snake it courteously, and thank you for making my job so challenging. Haiti Lady: What'd you say? Thurgood: I said I've got half a mind to wring...you up and ask you to dinner. We've really drifted apart. Haiti Lady: Super, what has come over you? Suddenly, you're so good. This is the work of the devil. Sanchez: So, my hat says "Nevada," but I really got it in California. I bought it on the border. Thurgood: Ha ha ha ha! Tell it again. Thurgood: Oh, Mrs. Avery. I brought you an air conditioner all the way from HUD. Mrs. Avery: I don't need it. My calendar says it's February. Thurgood: Yes, but your calendar also says it's 1978. Mrs. Avery: Heh heh heh. Oh, good. The Jeffersons is on. Now get that thing outta my sight. Thurgood: Oh, Mrs. Avery, you're so sweet. You put the "battle" in "battle ax." Mrs. Avery: I also put the "dent" in "superintendent." Thurgood: Ohh! Thurgood: Honey, I'm home. Muriel: Whew! What's that smell? Thurgood: Huh? Oh, a sewage pipe ruptured in my face. Hey, baby. Muriel: Oh, Goody. Thurgood: Muriel, this pill has changed my life. I feel happy all the time. I don't get aggravated no more. I feel good from my head down to my-- hey! Muriel: Thurgood, what's happening? Thurgood: There's a little urban renewal going on in my pants. That's what's happening. [Romantic plays] Thurgood: Come here, baby. Muriel: But, Thurgood, the lights are on. I don't understand. Are the bulls in the playoffs? Oh, my! [Music] Hey-hey, hey-hey! She's a super freak, super freak She's super-freaky, yow Muriel: Oh, good morning, Thurgood, or should I say, Thur-great? Thurgood: You said enough last night, Muriel. Muriel: You don't think what happened last night had something to do with those pills? Thurgood: Could be. My blood pressure had to go somewhere. Muriel: Says here, "side effects can include nausea, seizures, bell's palsy, hypertension, blindness, death, increased sex drive." Thurgood: Increased sex drive? These are great. Let's see what happens when I take two. [Gulp] Man, oh, mandingo. Is that mine? Grr. Muriel: What was that, Thurgood? Again? Thurgood. At least let me put this can down. Thurgood: Not just yet, Muriel. Bebe: Girl, what you so happy about today? Muriel: [Giggling] Bebe: Oh, no, you didn't. Muriel: [Giggling] Bebe: Does Thurgood know? Muriel: [Giggling] Bebe: Girl, you lyin'. Uh-uh. Now, see, you just braggin'. Uh-uh, I won't tell nobody. Hey, Jimmy! [Knock on door] Thurgood: Muriel, open up. Muriel: Thurgood, if your hands were full, how did you knock? Thurgood: Heh heh heh! [Music] Sittin' here eatin' my heart out waitin' Waitin' for some lover to call Dialed about a thousand numbers, baby Almost rang the phone off the wall Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' Gotta have some hot stuff Gotta have some love tonight Hot stuff I need hot stuff I want some hot stuff I need hot stuff Thurgood: Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' ohh! What the Hella Fitzgerald? Sanchez: We want to know what's up? Jimmy: Yeah, and what's keeping it there? Thurgood: Why, gentlemen, whatever could you mean? Walter: You know what we mean. You've been knockin' so many boots, sound like the Gestapo marchin' in. Now, what's your secret? Jimmy: Chinese herbs? Sanchez: An electro-stimulation device? Thurgood: Well, I ain't gonna lie. I do have more watts in my tower. Jimmy: Please, brother-in-law, don't hold out on me. My Bebe, I can't keep up with her. If I don't come back another man, she's gonna leave me for the brother man. Thurgood: Jimmy, get a grip on yourself. Jimmy: We're headed that way. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. These last few weeks have been so romantic. Thugood: You know what, Muriel? I've been thinkin'. Maybe we should go on a second honeymoon. Muriel: Or a first one. Thurgood: Even better. How many transfers you think it'd take to get to Hawaii? Muriel: They say, "Virginia is for lovers." Thurgood: Muriel, you know I can't leave the country. Visa keeps turing me down. Hey, but what the hey? Anywhere's paradise just as long as I got you and my Pyridoxine Mononitrate. Hey, I'm runnin' a little low. Looks like Thurgood better get himself down to Dr. Feelgood. Doctor: So, were there any side effects that you noticed? Thurgood: None that I can think of. Uh, did that skeleton used to be a woman? Doctor: Well, I'm happy to announce that your hypertension is under control. So I guess we're done here. Thurgood: Well, that's great. I'll just take some more pills and go. Doctor: But I'm afraid there are no more pills for you. You're cured. Thurgood: Yeah, I know. That's great. Now give me my pills. Doctor: You can pick up you $50 at the front desk. Thurgood: Right. And they gonna have my pills at the desk? Doctor: Mr. Stubbs! Thurgood: Come on now. Give me a break, doc. Maybe we can help each other out. What do you ned? Shrimp? You like shrimp? What do you say? Shrimp for pills. Pills for shrimp. Doctor: Look, if you want, I can give you some free samples of Viagra. Thurgood: I don't want no damn Viagra. I ain't goin' bald. Can't you see you're on the good side of this deal? I offered you shrimp. I couldn't killed you five minutes ago, and you wouldn't have seen shrimp one. Doctor: Mr. Stubbs, I'm no longer required to care about you. Thurgood: Well, fine. I don't need your damn stupid pills. Is there a cream or gel? ================================================================================ Thurgood: Muriel. Muriel. Good. She's not here. She'd be crushed if she found out I'm now the man I used to be. Oh! Hey. Hey, Muriel, I just needed my, uh... My...my Mylanta. I wanted some antflaccid-- uh, antacid. That's it. I have no other problems. Bye. Thurgood: Man, just one pill left. Now, if I use it sparingy, it'll last me... one time. Ok. Now, how do I make one pill last the rest of my marriage? All right. Now this is gonna require some periods of no sex. The first few years will be easy. Muriel won't suspect a thing. Then it gets a little tricky. Wait a minute. I could freeze us both, then wake us up in five years, and that'll be the 21st century. Then I can just grab a jet pack and zoom off to the nearest bubble city, teleport home, bionic winky in hand. Yeah. That's it. Muriel: Thurgood. Could you help me over here? I seem to have dropped something. Thurgood: Well, what do you want me to do? Muriel: Thurgood, are you ok? You seem tense. Thurgood: Tense? Why should I be tense? I have my hypertension pills. Muriel: Why don't you take one of those little pills, and I'll draw us a nice hot bath. Thurgood: Uh, yeah, perfect. And while you're doing that, I'll stake us out a good spot for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Don't wait up. Muriel: Thurgood, come to bed. I'll make it worth your while. Thurgood, what is that on your face? Thurgood: Huh? Say what? Oh, I just wanted to look good, so I used some of your facial mask I found under the sink. I hope it doesn't discourage you from wanting sex. Muriel: Well, no, but that's my hair relaxer. Thurgood: Oh, really. Excuse me. Aah! Muriel: Thurgood, I've been thinking about you all day long. Thurgood: Oh, that's good. Then you're probably sick of me. Good night, Muriel. Muriel: Thurgood, I made you a nice dinner tonight, and I expect you to pay me back. Thurgood: You would want your husband to have sex even though he's not in the mood? Muriel: Yes. Thurgood: Even though I have a headache. Muriel: Yes. Thurgood: Even though my friend is visiting. Muriel: I ain't mad at that. Thurgood: Muriel, "no" means no. Muriel: You could just lie there. Thurgood: [Crying] Muriel: Thurgood, what's going on? I hope you're not gonna behave this way on our anniversary Monday. Thurgood: Monday? Muriel: You do remember our anniversary is Monday? Thurgood: Oh, uh, yeah, sure I remember. It's our 23rd anniversary. Hey, what is the 23rd anniversary anyway? That's abstinence, isn't it? Muriel: It better be wood. It's our anniversary, and I want it to be a night to remember. Thurgood: All rightn it'll be a night you always remember. You'll have to. Muriel: Thurgood, this wine is...interesting. Thurgood: Yeah. It's Goofy Grape and Vodka. [Sniff Sniff] it's goofy without being stupid. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, this has been the best anniversary ever. I guess the only thing left is for you to, you know... take one of your pills. We can make it just like the last time. Thurgood: Oh, yeah, it'll be the last time. All right, Thurgood, time to put the clown in the cannon. [gasp] [Gulp] Thurgood: Ok, Thurgood, stay calm. Think clearly. There's a perfectly logical way to eat that dog. [Arf Arf Arf Arf] Thurgood: That's the last time I think out loud in front of an animal. Tarnell's my man with the hookup. He'll come through. Thurgood: Smokey, where's Tarnell? Smokey: He's at the county gym working out. He'll be back in 30 days, depending on his behavior. Thurgood: Oh, no. Smokey: In the meantime, my name is Smokey and I'll be your sales associate. Thurgood: Tarnell left you in charge? Smokey: Actually, he left Babs, but she's on her break. Now, how can I help you today? Thurgood: I can't believe this. Oh, all right. Well, Smokey, you're a man. Smokey: You're very kind. Thurgood: Ok. Right, right. Now, you remember sex, right? Smokey: Babs! You have a customer. Thurgood: No, no, no, no. Look, I just wanna know, do you have anything that will enhance a man's performance? Smokey: Hmm. I seem to remember using something years ago. Uh, what-- what was it? Oh, yeah. Crack. Thurgood: Crack? I ain't takin' that poison. Smokey: I understand your apprehension. Not FDA approved. Thurgood: That's it. I'm outta here. Smokey: Fine, but, uh, but before you go, can you complete this performance evaluation form? Thurgood: Give me the pen. "Excellent. Fair. Good. Strongly agree." Hmm.. "Yes, would shop here again." Thurgood: Well, Thurgood, you made your bed. Now go on in and tell Muriel you're not gonna lie in it. Muriel: [Crying] Thurgood, is it me? Don't you find me attractive? Thurgood: No, no, it's not that. Just say it, Thurgood. All right. Muriel, I've got to come clean. Life as we know it will never be the same again. Muriel: We're moving out of the projects? Thurgood: Huh. Wouldn't that be the final kick in the ass? No. I'm off the pill. That means I've knocked my last boot. No more parallel parking. Poker night is over. The next time I get in the saddle, it'll be outside the supermarket for a quarter. No more-- Muriel: Thurgood. Thurgood: Muriel, please, I spent an hour with the kids thinking of these. Muriel: Thurgood, what are you talking about? Thurgood: I'm out of pills forever. That means no more sex. No more nooky nights. No more cuddlin'. Or telling you you're beautiful, Muriel. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, after all these years, don't you know what our relationship is based on? Thurgood: Uh, low expectations? Muriel: No,Goody. It's based on love, like the kind we rekindled this past week. Thurgood: Yeah. That's true. Muriel: You know, we still have five minutes left in our anniversary. Thurgood: Well, if I'm back to the old me, five minutes is all you're gonna get. Muriel: Mm! See? We don't need any silly pills. Thurgood. Mrs. Avery: There you go, boy. ================================================================================ ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy, Steve Tompkins and Larry Wilmore Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz, Will Vinton, Tom Turpin, Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Consulting Producers: Al Jean, Mike Riess, Les Firestein Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Producer: Michael Price Supervicing Producer: Bill Freidberger, David Flebotte Produced by: J. Michael Mendel Written by: Les Firestein Directed by: David Bleiman ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================