-- T h e P J s -- Title: Haiti Sings the Blues Season 1, episode 13 Aired: Tuesday, May. 18, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Haiti Lady's curse on Thurgood flops until she threatens to return to her homeland. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ [Pigeons cooing] Thurgood: Mornin', boys. LL Coo J. Coo-lio, Coo Moe Dee, it's feedin' time. And we'll pour a little over the side for the Notorious B.I.R.D. Baby, bay-bee! Coo coo coo coo.Yeah, coo coo. Smokey: Don't it just break your heart when you drop 'em into boilin' water? Thurgood: Hey, get out of here! This ain't no damn Popeye's! Go on! Git! Smokey: Coo coo! Thurgood: All right. Here. [Reggae plays] Thurgood: What the Hell Debarge? Rastaman, what's going on up here? Rastaman: I'm tending to my, uh...garden. Thurgood: Huh. You know, I never even knew there was a garden plot up here. Too damn bad this whole place had to go to pot like this. Rastaman: Ah, if only whole place had gone to pot. Thurgood: You know, folks could have a real garden up here. Plant some nice flowers and vegetables. Yeah, flowers and vegetables! How we gonna get rid of this stuff? Rastaman: Uhh...we could burn it. Thurgood: Hey, there you go. [Fire crackling] Rastaman: Jah bless you, brother. Thurgood: Uh, quiet down, please, if you will. Please just--you-- all right, thank you. Earlier today I was on the roof burning some garbage with the Rastaman, and I had this idea-- well, actually the idea belongs to the giant Donkey Jaws that was hoverin' in the sky above me. Both I and Donkey Jaws thought it would be a great idea to start a community garden on the rooftop. Any questions? Yes. Juicy: Yeah. What does Donkey Jaws look like? Thurgood: Hey, we ain't talking about Donkey Jaws. That's not important. Mrs. Avery: Well, if Donkey Jaws loves us, why is there so much evil in the world? Thurgood: Can we get off Donkey Jaws, please? Now, think about it. Wouldn't it be nice to grow our own produce? Jimmy: I'm good with a hoe. Bebe: And he's a good gardener, too. Ha ha! Thurgood: All right! Now you're catching on! We're a community. We should be self-reliant. Mrs. Avery: Can we still keep our government handouts? Thurgood: Naturally. Mrs. Avery: Then self-reliant we be! Thurgood: And so, may this garden thrive. Not just this year, but as long as our children and our children's children and our children's children's children shall live in this housing project. All: Amen. Thurgood: Now let us thank God with a moment of silence. Haiti Lady: [Haitian accent] O spirit of the dead, bring life to this garden. May our roots suck strength from the depths of hell-- Thurgood: Hey, whoa, whoa! What kind of blessing was that? "Hell"? We got kids here, damn it! Juicy: Damn it, damn it, damn it! Thurgood: Now see what you did? Haiti Lady: You interrupted me blessin'. Why you prayer hatin'? Thurgood: Because I'm the boss. This is my community garden for everybody. We'll call you when we dedicate a dumpster. Haiti Lady: [Gibberish] Thurgood: Tup-dup-dup doo wah, tup-dup-dup dup-dup-dup! Jimmy: Doesn't anyone here speak English? Thurgood: Oh, it feels so good to get back to the soil. Muriel: Uh, what you gonna plant, Goody? Thurgood: Wine. Gonna plant a grapevine hmm, not much longer till I have wine baby Muriel: Thurgood, are you seeing the Donkey Jaws again? Thurgood: Huh? What? Juicy, what are you doing? Juicy: Plantin' M&M's. Thurgood: You can't plant no M&M's. Juicy: Ooh! I wanna grow candy! Haiti Lady: Juicy, don't listen to him. You can do anything if you really believe it. Juicy: You mean, I could be thin? Haiti Lady: Now, do you really believe that? Juicy: No. I'm gonna plant some twinkies, too. Ha ha ha ha! [Gunshot] Thurgood: Hey! Whoa, hey, Mrs. Avery! Stop shooting at Sanchez! Mrs. Avery: He's planting his tobacco on my land! Sanchez: Well, you're just digging a big hole. At least I'm planting something. Mrs. Avery: I'm planting something! Me! Thurgood: Sanchez, you know better than to plant on Mrs. Avery's grave. Where we gonna dance? Mrs. Avery: Oh, you want to dance? Dance! [Gunshots] Thurgood: Aah! Aah aah! Damn! Haiti Lady: People, what's all the trouble here? Thurgood: Hey, beat it, Haiti Lady. I've got everything under control. Mrs. Avery: Haiti Lady, thank goodness you're here. I need you to put a whammy on Sanchez. Haiti Lady: Again? Wasn't his throat enough? Sanchez: Hey... Thurgood: Oh, please! The only magic she got is Magic Shave, and clearly that don't work either. Sanchez: No, no, she has voodoo. I didn't get this throat by chance. Haiti Lady: I have the power, and I'll prove it. You will both die in the future. Sanchez: Stick a fork in me. I'm done. Thurgood: What kind of pointless curse is that? You might as well just curse the projects and make everybody poor. Muriel: Thurgood, no! Thurgood: Oh, this is nuts. Why does everyone listen to that old bag anyway? I'm the one in charge here. Thurgood: Ohh... Thurgood: Aww, look at my little babies. Coochie coochie coo! Where's little grape plant? There's little grape plant. Where's little grape plant? There's little grape plant. Where the little grape plant? There--where is little grape plant? Thurgood: What on Earth, Wind and Fire... Noooo! My children! My children! The fruit of my seed! Gone, all gone! What the-- Hey, what's this? Aha! I should've known! Haiti Lady: Eh, eh, put that down! And as long as you're pulling up roots, you can leave. Thurgood: This weed killed my wine grapes! It sucked the boone's right out of my farm! Haiti Lady: You're no farmer. The only thing you can grow is fat and stupid. Thurgood: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll show you fat and stupid! Let me see this thing. Haiti Lady: That's my poison ivy. Thurgood: Ut! Haiti Lady: Ha ha ha ha! Haiti Lady: What are you doing? That's my Baal statue. Thurgood: Well, now he's my "Baal" scratcher. Haiti Lady: You can't do that. Baal is the ruler of the underworld. Thurgood: Well, let's see how he makes it in the projects. [Straining] [Statue shatters] Thurgood: Well, that's one "Baal" that didn't bounce. Haiti Lady: Do you know what you just done? Thurgood: Hmm, let me do a recap. I took your stupid statue and wiped my butt on it, smashed it into a thousand pieces, and... let's see, did I forget anything? Oh, yeah. I called you a wi-atch under my breath. Haiti Lady: Thurgood Orenthal Stubbs, I curse you! All: [Gasps] Sanchez?: Stick a fork in Super. He's done. Haiti Lady: I curse you, and I curse your land! Everything you touch going to wither and die, and your grapes will rot on the vine! Juicy: Ooh, Super, you done it now. Haity Lady: And your zozo going to shrivel up like a dead lizard. [Rattling] Thurgood: As long as it stop itching. Ohh... mm... ================================================================================ Song: I put a spell on you, I put a spell on you. Thurgood: The farmer in the hood, the farmer in the hood hey, what the dealy-o, the farmer in the hood. Hey, what the dealy-o? Jimmy: Haiti Lady curse you good. You got a black cloud over your head. Thurgood: That's my hair. Jimmy: I wouldn't say it so proudly. Thurgood: Mmm. Song: I put a spell on you, Thurgood: Aah! Sanchez, let me pass. Sanchez: No, Super. Your curse will turn my precious tobacco into something poisonous and evil. Thurgood: Oh, for Rodney Peete's sake. Song: ...Spell on you Juicy: uh-uh! You the boogeyman. If you was the ice cream man, we could talk. Thurgood: [Groan] Song: Watch out! [Gun cocks] Thurgood: Ut! Mrs. Avery: One step and I'll blow your uts off! Thurgood: Ohh. Papa Hudson: Come here, government cheese! Thurgood: Hey, Papa Hudson, let me help you with that. Hudson: Uh, that's ok. I just remembered. I don't eat cheese. I'm lactose intolerant. [Cow moos] Hudson: Uh, quiet, Elsie. Thurgood: Calvin! At last a friendly face. Calvin: Aah! Mama! The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Thurgood: Hey! Calvin: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. Thurgood: Prayin'? Calvin, enough of this Superstitious stuff. Calvin's Mom: Calvin! Calvin: Thank you, Jesus. Thurgood: [Sighs] Song: Because you mine, Mine mine, Ohh, whoo oh, oh. Thurgood: I cannot believe the people in this building are trying to avoid me. Lousy, no-good, dirty, rotten, stinkin', miserable-- some friends they are. Muriel: Thurgood, people are just naturally Superstitious. Don't pay them any heed. [Metal clanking] Thurgood: Muriel, did you just say "clank"? Muriel: No, I--I... Thurgood: Lucky horseshoes and garlic? What on Urkel is going on? Muriel: Well, you don't expect a girl to just hop into bed without some form of protection, do you? Thurgood: My own wife. Muriel, you come to bed right now. Muriel: Can I walk around it three times first? Thurgood: Hell, no! Damn Haiti Lady. Tomorrow I'm gonna settle this curse thing man to man. Muriel: Haiti Lady's not a man. Thurgood: Well, then, mustache to mustache. Muriel: Ok. Good night. Abracadabra, alakazam. Take this hex from off my man. Thurgood: Muriel! Thurgood: Everybody up on the roof! All right, I'm hexing all your vegetables. Man: Shut up! Thurgood: I'm gonna hex 'em! Iggety biggety biggety boo! Ma ma say ma ma sa ma ma koo sa! Ma ma say ma ma sa ma ma koo sa! Ma ma say-- help me sing it! Jimmy: Ahem. Did she curse his zozo or his brain? Thurgood: People, listen here and listen good. I am not cursed! I have lived in the projects all of my life, and I have been your janitor for 35 years. Now, does that sound like somebody who's cursed to you? All: Mm-hmm. Haiti Lady: The first sign of being cursed is denial. He's textbook. Thurgood: Look, if I was cursed, could I walk a straight line with my eyes closed? All right, I had a 40 for breakfast. Mrs. Avery: Cursed and drunk. That's what's wrong with him. Thurgood: So you all say I'm cursed, huh? I'm cursed, right? Well, if that's true, then everything I touched would wither and die, right? All: Mm-hmm. Thurgood: Well, then take a look at something plump and juicy. Not him, my grapes. All: [Gasps] Holy crap! Thurgood: Yeah, I been touching them all week, and they're hellishly sweet. Mrs. Avery?: Why ain't his grapes all dry and wrinkly? I know dry and wrinkly, and this ain't it. Jimmy: I'm sure Haiti Lady has a good explanation. Tell us, Haiti. Thurgood: Yeah, Haiti Lady, tell them why my grapes haven't felt your wrath yet? Haiti Lady: It's a slow curse. Thurgood: Slow curse? It was a no-curse. No, a reverse curse. Not only are my grapes growing, but my zozo's never been better. Tell them, Muriel. Muriel: It's very nice. Thurgood: Nice? It's the eighth wonder of the world. Haiti Lady: You anger the spirits with your mockery, and you're cheesing me off, too. Thurgood: Well, why don't you punish me? Come on, do some of that voodoo that you don't do so well. Haiti Lady: I don't perform on demand. Thurgood: That's 'cause your mojo can't go no mo'. That's why. Haiti Lady?: Oh, please! Thurgood?: Ok. Well, why don't you do something? Make that scarecrow come to life? All: Yeah, show him. Shut him up. Mrs. Avery: Shoot him. Haiti Lady: Fine. I will give life to the scarecrow, but his views and opinions are his own and do not reflect those of this Haitian or its management. Haiti Lady: Come on, Baal. Work with me. A-a-aah--aah! Scarecrow: Whaa! Thurgood: Holy Smokey Robinson! It's a miracle! What the-- Smokey: I don't recall ordering a wake-up needle. Thurgood: Oh, Haitian Lady, it's amazing! You brought a crackhead to life. How can we ever thank you? Your powers are so-- so powerful! Ha ha ha. Calvin: It's not true, Mambo Garcelle. You're still evil, right? Here. Take this flower. You can make it wilt. Show 'em. Juicy: Yeah. Damn it. Damn it! Damn it! Thurgood: You heard the boy. Damn it! [Muttering] [Slam] Juicy: Why didn't she wilt the flower? Calvin: Yeah, what's wrong with her? Thurgood: She ain't got game. ================================================================================ Haiti Lady: Yesterday was just a fluke. I still got it, yes. Haiti Lady: Hey, who you mad at today, Mrs. Avery? Mambo Garcelle hex 'em cheap. Make them suffer! Mrs. Avery: Oh, no, thank you. I'm full of love today. Not one ounce of hate or bile or venom or spite or nasty or that boiling rage that just makes you s-s-sick! Nope. Just love. Haiti Lady: You up for a seance tonight? We could try and reach your beloved Esperanza. Sanchez: I just bought four cartons of unfiltered Luckys. I'll see her soon enough. Haiti Lady: Papa Hudson! I brought your stretch mark cream. Papa Hudson: I decided I like my stretch marks! Eh--eh--eh, stripes make me look thinner! Haiti Lady: It's not voodoo. It's Mary Kay. Papa Hudson: Ohh! L-l-leave it on the mat. Haiti Lady: What's wrong with me? I used to be powerful. I still am. [Rattling] Haiti Lady: O, Baal, bringer of fire, I command you now, make these oily rags burst into flames! By the power of Baal, burst into flames! It worked last night at Voodoopalooza. Ohh, it's hopeless. Thurgood: Something's wrong here. I stomp and stomp and stomp, but I never get any wine. Muriel: Don't you need the drain stopper? Thurgood: Just gimme some grapes! Hmm. Look at these beauties. Cursed, huh? I ought to have Haiti Lady curse my 40, make it into a 60. Hey, get that, Muriel? Twice as big. Ha ha ha! That's a good one. Maybe I ought to zing Haiti Lady with that one. Muriel: Thurgood, maybe you should lay off Mambo Garcelle. She has feelings, too. Thurgood: She started it! Muriel: Thurgood, you're being a child. Thurgood: I am not! [Stamps feet] Muriel: I'm beginning to think Haiti Lady really did curse you. She made your heart wither. Thurgood: That shows you what you know. The doctor says my heart's enlarged. She crazy. Withered heart. Hmm! Calvin: Haiti Lady, what're you doing? Haiti Lady: I decided to move back to Haiti. Mrs. Avery: Well, we all sorry to see you go. Now, how much for that doll of the Super? Haiti Lady: Well, the crotch is shot. $6.00. Haiti Lady: Calvin, put down those snakes and snails and puppy dog tails! Those not for little boys. Thurgood: Ha ha ha, hey, Haiti Lady, why don't you hex my lottery ticket for me? I want to buy a yacht so I can sail the high seas while I'm drinking my wine. Hey, what's all this? Haiti Lady: Nobody needs a washed-up voodoo queen. I'm gonna make $50 at this rummage sale, and go back the richest woman in Haiti. Thurgood: Aah! You movin' back to Africa because of me? Oh, look, I admit I humiliated you and that paperweight you call a god, but other than that, haven't I always treated you with respect, Haiti Lady? Haiti Lady: First of all, my name isn't Haiti Lady. Thurgood: Whatever. Haiti Lady: Well, I've got to get back in. Congratulations. Your evil is stronger than mine. Thurgood: Evil? Thurgood: I'm not evil. I just wanted to make some bootleg wine. Man! I don't know why Haiti Lady's gotta leave. This is all my fault. Me and my sour grapes. Sour grapes? Hey, that's it! Eureka Badu! [All talking at once] Thurgood: Now, I'd like to welcome everybody to the first Hilton Jacobs banquet. Homegrown produce like this puts us one step closer to self-sufficiency. Jimmy: Afrika apate uhuru! Thurgood: And as Jimmy points out, freedom for Africa. Look at the great bounty spread before us, potatoes, tomatoes, Calvin's brussels sprouts. Calvin: Ha! Now you all have to eat them! Thurgood: Let us all admire Bebe's firm, ripe melons. [All applaud] Juicy: Ah! Very firm. Mrs. Avery: What about my banana squash? [One clap] Thurgood?: Yeah, and don't forget the Rasta's brownies. We'll save those for dessert. We don't want to spoil our appetites. Rastaman: Not to worry, man. Thurgood: And now I'd like to give the floor to Haiti Lady. Muriel: Mambo Garcelle. Thurgood: We'll dance later, Muriel. Haiti lady's talking. Haiti Lady: I just want to say that even though I'm leaving, you'll always have a place in my broken heart. And, scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all. Thurgood: Smokey, I want my raggedy pants back. Smokey: No, you don't. Thurgood: All right. Now I'd like to propose a toast. To our guest of honor Haiti Lady! Muriel: Mambo. Thurgood: Later. Thurgood: Good luck in your new life, and may you live 100 years, and may I live 100 minus a day, so I won't have to see nice people like you pass away. Muriel: Thurgood, that's beautiful. Thurgood: Yeah. I print it on the back of every bottle of Baron Von Thurgood's Spring Time Frolic. It's fortified! All: To Haiti Lady! Ptoo! Jimmy: This tastes like vinegar! Bebe: Bad vinegar. Thurgood: Vinegar? But how? M-m-my wine! My wine! I d-- I don't understand it! How could it have happened? How could it have turned so, uh, so sour? Mrs. Avery: Where's your Donkey Jaws now? Thurgood: Wait a minute. Maybe--it could-- ugh! Ptoo! This wine is cursed! [All gasp] Thurgood: Yep, it's definitely cursed. I'll tell you, I've had some damn wine before, but this is the damnedest. Calvin: It's Mambo Garcelle's curse. Your grapes rotted, just like she said. Yay! Haiti Lady: Let me see that. Oh! It is rotten. You see? I told you. It was a slow curse. Don't ever doubt my powers again. Muriel: See, Mambo Garcelle, your magic is just as good as it always was. You can't leave. We need you. Bebe: You're the glue that holds these projects together. Sanchez: Well, actually, it's electrical tape. Haiti Lady: Well, I'd like to stay, but what about him? Muriel: Thurgood, tell her you want her to stay. Thurgood: Whatever. Oof! Thurgood: Forever. Haiti Lady: Well, it would be a shame to go before the rest of my curse kick in. That shriveling zozo is my signature piece. [All cheering] Thurgood: All right then, Haiti Lady is once again our voodoo queen! [All cheering] Thurgood: And I am your Mambo king! Come on, Muriel. Let's Mambo! It's what you've been yapping about all night. Muriel: But I was just trying to tell you that Haiti Lady's name-- Thurgood: No blah blah blah blah blah, just cha cha cha cha cha, Muriel. Thurgood: Ooh! Zozo! ================================================================================ Captioning made possible by Touchstone Television and Fox Broadcasting ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================