Once upon a timein the projects... pjs, projects low-rent high rise,y'all pjs ooh, yeah projects living in the pjs holding downa cardboard condo homeboyand a homemade bungalow in the middleor the end of the day there's a one-way street da, da, da, da,la-la-la living in the pjs ohh pjs [ Panting ] Come on, walter. We're only behindby two touchdowns. Right.We can beat these guys. Come on, you old ladies. Yeah, get yourmetamucil-drinking, "diagnosis murder" watchin depends-covered bootiesout here. Boys, there's no callfor rudeness. Let's show tubby and adoptedthat we mean business. Hut, hut, hikeand tina turner! 1-mississippi burning,2-mississippi burning, 3-mississippi burning, 4-mississippi burning --car. [ Honks horn ] Over here, thurgood. Car chase. [ Gunshots ] I'm open.Over here, thurgood. Police car. Game on! Blitz! And hudsonrecovers the ball. Touchdown! [ Both humming ] I can't feel my legs. Car. Oh, there they are. Oh, gee.Another cold one? Yeah, that'll hit the spot. You know, they didn't beat usbecause we suck. They beat usbecause we're old. Yeah, we're slow,we're creaky, and we're gray, and I can say thisbecause you're my friend -- I believe I'm developingsome man boobs. Thurgood, there you are. Bebe just called. Aunt gloria's had another oneof her spells. I'm going to gospend the night there. Oh, no,that poor old dear. Are we in her will? I mean, you goand take good care of her. You'll both be in my thoughtsand prayers. Oh, goodie. Party! Thurgood, I'm right here, and don't be peeingon the furniture. Woman never forgets a thing. [ Playing blues music ] Thank you hilton-jacobs! All right now, I sat throughall your songs. Now, when do we all putour keys in the hat? It's not that kind of party,mrs. Avery. I'm kind of surprised by the turnout here,thurgood. Back in the day, if we had played10 minutes, we'd already haveour groupies lined up. [ Groans ] The night is young. Now I'm going toopen that door and admitour adoring public. Oh, my god. Is someone killinga cat in here? Nah, it's just super playing thoselame old blues. Lame? The bluesis real black music, not like your eminem,tlc, dmx, aaa, kfc, and the wb. Real black music is howlin' wolfand albert king. Oh, it's sam cooke,otis redding, and mr. Marvin gaye. Super said "gay." [ Both laughing ] All right,you boys can laugh, but we were oncegood enough to playthe amateur night contest at muddy guy'sbarrelhouse blues club. Did you ever win? Let me answer that questionwith another question. Shut up, okay? Well, you know what? It's not us,it's this place. Walter, we need to go visitour old neighborhood and rip it uplike we used to. Muriel's gone. I can partylike it's 1979. We can startwith a bite to eat at the old rib shack. And shoot some poolat one-eyed jacks. Is there a place we can godisco rollerskating? What? I liketo roller boogie. Sanchez, you can leaveyour sequined shirt in the closet because we arecapping off this night by returningto muddy guy's and winningthat amateur night. Yeah, we'll kick outthe jams and rock the house. We'll tear it upand tear it down. We'll turn the mother out. We'll bust a move. We'll tear the roofoff the sucker. We'll do the thing...with the guy... who's funky. You know, in funky town? Oh, hell, you win again. Right, right. Mind if I give it a try? How did you do that? Well, I did oncedeliver a paper on multi-plane geometryto the royal society, or did I dream that? Anyway,I can be your roadie like I was on the jacksons'"victory" tour, and if I can get babesfor tito, I certainly can get babesfor you. Smokey, that sureis nice of you, but there's just no room for former crackheadsin the car. That's okay. I can fit in here easy. See? Emaciation has its upside. [ Music playing ] Gentleman, the 2001thurgood and the stub-tones "can't hold backthe wind" tour is blowing through town. All: Yay!Whoo-hoo! All right! Boys, while we're out,you're in charge. Wow! We're in charge... and these keysare our passport to a world of magicand adventure. Yeah. Let's go findsuper's dirty magazines. [ Music playing ] Walter, pull over at the first liquor storeyou see. Let's see -- you've gotyour choice of five. I've gotthe booze barn, just liquor, and liquor and ammo, and on your sidethere's booze barn ii, and gin-boree. All right, boys,last chance for food, beverages,and supplies, but remember,only the essentials. A manneeds his chips a manlikes his root beer a man cando without crackers ooh!How about a foam hat a man needsa home pregnancy test and a little vagisil ooh!Maybe get some beef jerky put back the vagisil well, thanksfor picking up the tab, walter. I didn't get it. I didn't pay, and all sanchez didwas look at muscle magazines. Shotgun! No way, sanchez.You're in back. No! Shotgun! [ Tires squeal ] Smokey: Thanksfor the air holes, fellas. Appreciate it. My lord,we just shoplifted. We just shoplifted!I feel 28 again! This road tripis like a time machine, and we're getting youngerby the minute. Jimmy, give methat beef jerky. No way. It's mine. I called it.'Fraid not. 'Fraid so. 'Fraid not. 'Fraid so! Sanchez: Make jimmystop looking at me. Wow. Just beingback in the old neighborhood makes me feellike a new man. Walter, pull over.Time to get our youth on. [ Groans ] I can't believe it.Our old corner, T. Remember the hours we spentchecking out the ladies, saying, "hey, baby.Hi, honey"? Heh heh. Yeah,we had all the good lines. Then the fuzz would come byand hassle us. Oh, look, walter, right here's where wewore grooves in the wall from being frisked. Assume the position,young man. Ha ha ha! Look! It still fits. Now give mesome skin, my brother. [ Panting ] Whoo.We still got it. I thought we were goingto get some ribs. A nice light snack will help meget my wind back. Now, hold on. I'm sure the rib shackis right here, the cornerof martin luther king avenue and martin luther kingboulevard. So, where the hell'shomey roma's? Well, the bad news is,it's gone. The good news is, it's been replacedby a massage parlor. You know, thurgood, man does not liveon ribs alone. Oww! Come on, boys.We didn't come down here to have our bodies rubbedby beautiful young women. We came down hereto feel good. Let's go check outthe old pool hall. Oh, no. It'sjust another crack house. Justanother crack house? Why, this placeonce received the coveted"four rock" rating. No more than 12to a room, a complimentarydumpster breakfast. But look at it now. Yeah. The cia reallylet this place go to hell. Looks likeold father time's laid downthe same ass-beating on our old neighborhoodthat he has on us. You stow that kindof talk, walter. Once we're at muddy guy's, singing about our miserable,wretched lives, we'll all feela whole lot better. Ooh! Ooh! Look at this one,calvin. She's got a great setof arms. You mean legs, dummy. Right, right.I keep forgetting. Mrs. Avery: Super, are you hiding outdown there? It's mrs. Avery. What are we goingto tell her we're doing down here? We don't haveto tell her nothing. We're in charge,remember? Super, there's a dead ratin our hallway, and it stinksjust like your breath. Oh, hello, children. Have you seen your filthy friendthe super? Uh, super's out,but don't worry, ladies. We've got everythingunder control. So, are you goingto take care of the rat? We'll handle itjust like the super would. Yeah. We'll get to itwhen we get to it. So, buzz off,you old hens. Buzz off? Is that so? Maybe I'll treat youthe way I treat super. [ Panting ] Oh, lord. They're fasterthan the super. I got to raise my gameup a notch. That's the third timewe've passed the sameburning fire station. We're farther awayfrom muddy guy's than when we started!We're lost, thurgood. Now, get aholdof yourself. It's not as bad around hereas you think. [ Growling ] Great scottie pippen!Drive, walter, now! Out of gas? Nice going, walter. Nice going, thurgood. What? You're blaming me?What? You're blaming me? It's your car, and you never putmore than $2 of gas in at a time. Well, we had plenty of gasuntil we got lost. Men! They never wantto ask for directions. What's up with that? And now we're stuckin a stalled car in a war zone. We might as well have targetson our backs! Will you babiesstop your crying? We are perfectly safe here. [ Helicopter rotorswhir ] Why, you see that?As I speak, we are underthe warm, watchful eye of this city's finest.Ain't no one going to die. Man: For the love of god, turn aroundand drive home now! [ Gunfire ] [ Helicopter enginefalters ] [ Explosion ] Okay, starting now,no one's going to die. [ Gunfire ] Uh, now. [ Explosion ] Okay, now. Shouldn't you boysbe home in bed? If we went to bed,who would watch the building? Now, why don't you girlsmake yourselves useful and go fix ussomething to eat? We'll beup on the roof talkingabout man stuff -- cars, football,ladies' arms. Legs. Dang. I think it's timewe taught those two puny punksa lesson. Right. I'll take outtheir voodoo dolls and pierce their eyeswith the pins of blindness. Maybe a little lessof a lesson. [ Tires screech ] I say we move outand try to find gas. Or, hell, we'll at least goback to that massage parlor. Thurgood's right. We can leave smokeybehind to guard the gear, kinda, well, like some kindof horrible scarecrow. Smokey: I heard that! We've gone 10 steps,and we're still alive. I'm afraid to go any further.There could be gangstas... and hoodlums... and thugs. So what? Gangstas and hoodlumsand thugs... so what? Gangstas and hoodlumsand thugs... so what? Who in the hellyou think you are, prancing down my alleylike that? Look atwhat we've got here, cyrus. How you wantto kill them? Dentyne ice there's a new chill in the air. Arctic chill, a new, even colder kind of gum... from dentyne ice. Cooler... icier, fresher. Even cooler, fresher to take your breath where it's never been before. Dentyne ice arctic chill. New from dentyne ice. Ice at its coldest.  Come on, man,let's cap 'em now, cyrus. It's always now, now, nowwith you. You got to enjoythe process, man. First you raisetheir hopes up a little. Check it. Why don't you boysjust beat it? Really? Hell, no. You seewhat I just did there? Man, I'll never beas good as you. You can't think of itthat way, man. You just got to bethe best darn gangsta you can be. Both: Aah! Run for it!Never mind me. Forget about me --save yourselves! Everyone over the fence. Get going, walter.Move it. And you lookafter muriel for me. Oh, done and done. Ha ha. Thanksfor the green light, buddy. [ Gulps ] Got any rabbits? Boys, boys! I think there's a burglarin my apartment. You have to do something.You're the men in charge. [ Gulps ] Ha ha. Just as I thought. Why don't youjust go to bed like a coupleof little girls? Well, go ahead.He's in there as we speak. You go first. We'll dogun-knife-subpoena -- 1...2...3...shoot. All right!Subpoena confiscates goods. Now get in there. A-all right, boys.Let's be reasonable here. What you don't realizeis that, when I was young, I was a lot like you --not too bright, no future, still kind of funny looking --especially you, pie face. I guess the ugly bus hit youcoming and going. Heh heh heh. Anyway.My point is, if you kill me, you'll be killing a partof yourselves. I'll be sure to shootthe part that's not me. [ Guns cock ] We've been here 10 minutes.There's no burglar. Besides, who'd wantto steal this junk? When the devil is she going to come leaping outof that closet and scare themuntil they pee? Look,voodoo action figures. Cool, I got super.Whoo, he's got kung fu grip. Okay. That's kind of weird. Somebody start the music. I'm ready to go tae-boon your ass. What the funkadelic's going on?I'm an af-rotating american. Aah! Both: Aah! How'd I do that?I mean, I showed them. Well, I think we can all agreenot to talk about this. Right? It would be sooolif these things really work. Here comes a body slam. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Get off me! Let's add that to the listof things not to talk about. Thurgood, can we justquit this nonsense and go home? Quit,you guys want to quit? Why thurgood stubbs hasnever quit a thing in his life. [ Car horn honks ] Hey, fellas,where have you been? I got gas, directions, and a mocha frappuccinofor each of you. Oh, way to go, smokey.Where'd you get the money? Mm. Let's just sayI liquidated a few items. It's a night fullof miracles, boys, and we gotone miracle left in us. That's winning usan amateur night. Smokey, on to muddy guy's! Well, I don't seeany burglar. I guesswe scared him away. Typical woman,overreacting. Oh, I got it. They set upthis burglar thing to try and scare us. If you wantto scare somebody right, do it yourself. Calvin, would you be a lamband hand me that terrible cyclops powderfrom the shelf? [ Spits ] Boys: Aah! Well, go on, men.You're in charge. Handle him. Boys: Aah! Well, hello, beautiful. You're certainly a sightfor sore eye, as it were. And you as well, ian. There it is -- muddy guy's famousbarrelhouse blues club. Closed?Hey, you, bummy, wake up. What the hell'sgoing on here? Why is muddy's closed? [ Jabberingincomprehensibly ] Great.Now we'll never know. Allow me, super. I'm a little rusty,but I still speak crack. Ahem. [ Both jabberingback and forth] He says that muddy got into some troublewith the law back in '96, and the club's been closedsince then. He expresses surprisethat you didn't know, and he askedif you have any change. Hmm. Man, oh, man.What a wasted night. Well, I guess it's true --we'll never be young again. I'm sorry, guys. I guess even though we feelyoung at heart, we're nothing morethan a bunch of old farts. Went off in the nightin search of my youth... found out I'm just longin the tooth. Picked the wrong timeto run out of gas my favorite rib jointis now servin' ass my head spun 'round,and I breathed fire smokey sold offour doors and tires have you heardthe terrible news? I ain't got nothin'left to lose you don't want to walkin my shoes I got the super the super blues b-l-e-w-s the super blues what the hell you doingplaying blues on my sidewalk, when you could come insideand play them on the stage? Muddy guy! Not so loud. These days it'semanuel mcgregor. Now come inbefore I change my mind. Why, thank you,thank you very much. We are thurgoodand the stubbtones. The stubbtones. I thoughtI recognized you boys. How has it been,25 years? Man, you used to suck. He remembers us. Muddy: Well, the yearssure have done a number on you fellas. The stubbtones I rememberwere young, thin, and handsome, and couldn't play bluesto save their lives. He said we were handsome. And now look at you --all tore up and ugly, but now you can play. Looks like life hasfinally given you something to sing about. You mean to say,we're not getting older, we're getting better. Better's a big word, friend,but you can play a little. Muddy guy sayswe can play a little. Did you hear that?We can play a little. Yeah, so why don't you playa little more? A-1, 2, 3, 4!