But that's not what daddy's will says! I don't care! I want what's mine and nobody's gonna stand in my way! You witch! [Gasps] Nula! Juicy, how could you? Calvin, wait! Oh, why must you destroy everything?! Well, mr. Stubbs, as the janitor of mrs. Avery's building, the responsibility of whether or not to pull the plug rests squarely on your shoulders. [Monitor flatlines] Heh heh heh. Captioning made possible by touchstone television and fox broadcasting [Dynasty-type theme plays]  Who was the 16th president of the united states? Um... abe... vigoda? Ehhh! Man, you are gonna fail that citizenship test. You're too ignorant to be a united states-ican. Ha ha ha ha ha! Thurgood! Don't be so mean. If she fails the test this time, she'll be deported. [Knock on door] That's proba I.N.S. Now. She's in here, boys! Take her away! Ha ha ha! Hey! Hey, brother-in-law. Oh, you're having company? That's right, haiti. This dinner party is for married U.S. Citizens only, and you don't fit either description,  out you go. You're right on time. Dinner's almost ready. We brought the dessert. Apple pie. Caution: The filling may be hot. How are 4 people supposed to eat this? Yeah. Nice going, "mayor mccheap." Hey, money's tight. Maybe it wouldn't be so tight if you got a job! The job market is ve competitive right now for a man of my skills. There's a lot of kids on summer vacation. Great, 30 billion koreans in the world and I had to pick the one without a ko-reer. I'm not taking any more of this! Don't tell me what to do! Thurgood, maybe you should go after him. Go after what now?  Look at what you gone and done, lucky!  Bad, bad dog! Wait a minute. Oops. Sorry, my   [Knock on door hi, angels. How are you? We found this package for you down by the mailboxes. Oh, my god! Good god, woman! That's pie you're dropping. Ah, and it's key lime. Uh, you--you kids just run along and play buck-buck. Mrs. Avery has to-- big wally! Dang, she really seemed upset. What do you think we should do? I don't know. Want to go play? Ok. Watch it now. Oh, sorry, mister. That's ok, boys. Peace. Juicy, did you notice anything weird about that guy? No. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy in a suit. Exactly! I mean, who wears a suit in the projects? Jehovah witnesses? Them, and the bougie man! Who's the bougie man? He's the guy who comes around wearing a suit and lures little kids away to sell candy in the suburbs. Selling candy?! That's like a beautiful dream I once had. You mean nightmare, because once he gets you alone, he knocks you out! And when you wake up, you're in a bathtub full of ice-- and your kidneys have been cut out with a rusty knife! Oh, come on, calvin! That's just an urban legend, like the dog in the microwave or a fair trial. Uh-uh! It's true, and I can prove it! Mac, you just got to let me back on the force. I don't belong in corrections, trying to rehabilitate a bunch of scumbags. You can't change people. I'd love to help you out, walter, but you were discharged for gross misconduct. Come on, give me another chance. People change! Look, walter, I've got no problem with your, uh, unique way of administering justice. Hell, if it would help me put drug dealers like "sweet" les behind bars, I'd let you use the bill of rights for toilet paper. Oh, I get your drift. Is, you'll let me ck on the force. Hey, walter, I didn't say that. Right. I didn't hear it from you. Don't worry, mac. I'll bring in "sweet" les dead but alive. Don't you mean dead or alive? You haven't worked with me in a long time, have you? Why me? Why is bebe always on my back? I'm looking for work. And looking for work is a full-time job. So that means you already have a job. Now, what happens if you find a job? Then you'd have 2 jobs. I bet she didn't think of that. Hell, no, she didn'T. I'm gonna call her right now and give her a piece of my mind. You do that, buddy. Hey, can you lend me 35 cents? Why don't you get a job, you lazy bastard? When I married jimmy, I told him I wanted to be ghetto fabulous. Well, from now on, if I don't get prada, he ain't getting nada. Heh heh ha ha ha! That's it! That's it. And another thing! Oh! Oh, dear! [Thinking] Big wally bicks. The best inside man I ever grifted with. He could con roosevelt out of his wheelchair and the nylons off a pretty young thing like me. We had just pulled off our biggest score yet: The bank heist they would call "the key lime caper." We were aces, me and wally. It seemed like nothing could stop us. What we hadn't counted on was my insatiable greed. What the-- no! Sorry, wally. I dropped dime on ya. It takes money to make money. Uh, florence! I'll get you. Do you hear me? [Telephone ringing] Hello? Did you get my pie? Bicks! I'm coming to find you, and I want my money. But I don't have it! Well, you better get it. [Dial tone] Oh, my god! Muriel, I'm home. You stay right there. [Crash] Shh! Shh shh shh shhhh. I love you, baby. Let's never fight like jimmy and bebe. Now gimme some sugar. [Smooching] [Snoring] Well, I made it home alive. That's it. I ain't ever drinking again until tonight. Better run through the hangover checklist. Ooo. No vomit. Not too much blood. Muriel turned into bebe. Bebe! Aah! Aah! Aah! Thurgood and bebe: Aah! Thurgood: All right! Just stay calm. There has got to be a good explanation for this. W-well, I was drunk. No fair! That's what I was gonna say! Ok, so I slept in the same bed with you. There's no law against that. There should be, but there ain'T. But...w-what if we had s-S... sex?! Bebe, that's impossible. Even if we were that drunk, you have to be naked to have sex, and we are not-- aah! Aah! Aah! Will you shut up? Shut up, shut up! You're gonna wake up muriel. Muriel's the least of my problems right now. Muriel: Bebe? Breakfast's ready! Oops. Wrong again. I'll hide in the closet. That guy's not the bougie man. We've been following him around all day, and all he does is go in and out of different schools. Stupid! That's where he recruits kids for his phony candy selling scheme. Hmm. That reminds me. Shouldn't we be in school? No! We got a more important job to do. We're gonna trail the bougie man till we catch him nabbing his next victim. Aah! Aah! What's up, boys? I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'm worried about thurgood. He never came home last night. Well, I was so drunk I don't remember a thing. You know, hell, thurgood could have come in here and had his filthy way with me and be hiding in the closet right now for all I know. Thurgood [Muffled]: Ut! [Laughing] You're still a little tipsy, aren't you? Wait a minute. Do you think maybe thurgood spent the night in your... no! Apartment? Oh, yeah! In that case, yeah. He's probably there. You--you go and check on him...now! Yeah! Whew! That was close. Now we gotta clear a couple things up. You never saw me. I slept at walter's last night. Got it? What? Ut! Don't flatter yourself. That happens to every man in the morning. So you bs thought I was the bougie man? Boy, you sure have a great imagination. Oh, yeah? Well, why are you going in and out of schools? I sell chalk and chalk-related products. See? Well, boys, see you later. And, uh... don't let the bougie man get you! [Cackling] See? I told you he's not a maniac. He sells chalk and-- "fundraising candy?" Uh-oh. Hello, my name is garcelle dupris, and I'm here to get the results of my citizenship exam. Ah, let's see. Oh, here it is! You failed! You'll be deported back to haiti in 48 hours. Next! Wait, wait! I can't go back to haiti. With my westernized immune system, I'll be dead in minutes. You know, after all these years of hearing stories like yours, you'd think I'd stop caring. And you'd be right! Next! Hey, crackhead, get out here. Oh, my god! It's ed mcmahon! Am I going to be on star search? If you're not careful, you're gonna be on cavity search. Now listen here, smokey. My career is on the line. I need you to wear a wire. I like being wired. Son, you're wry comments aren't appreciated. Sorry. You'll attempt to buy drugs from sweet les, and I'll get the whole thing on tape. Then, when the time is right, I'll move in and make the collar. Hmm, I don't know. What do i get out of it? I'll drop the false charges that I'm about to file against you. You'd do that for me? [Grunting] Good-bye, foul bed, and I pray this is the only burning I experience from that night with bebe. Thurgood! Ahh! We need to talk, brother-in-law.! Jimmy! What are you doing with that gun? This? I'm just taking it down to the "guns for toys" program. Thank god! Yeah. 'Cause I'm afraid if I keep it around the house, I might bust a cap into the scumbag who's sleeping with my bebe! W-w-w-what makes you say that? This morning when I tried to have make-up sex, bebe wouldn't let me touch her. Then she went into the shower and scrubbed herself clean for 5 hours straight. 5 hours? Now that's just overkill. Oh, yeah. She's obviously trying to wash off the vile stink of that man. But I can still smell it. Even here. [Sniffing] I'm gonna find this guy and teach him a lesson. Oonh! What's going on? They're trying to deport me, but I'll die before I go back to my beloved haiti. Here. Hold this. I'm going down the american way... in a bloody standoff with the federal government. But according to section 239-b of the immigration and naturalization act-- I don't have time for your robotic yammering, you pathetic freak! Ok. I was just going to offer to marry you so you could stay in the country. But never mind. Wait! I could do freaky. Mrs. Avery: The plan was simple. Give big wally his half of the loot, and I'd be free and clear. The money was safe. In 50 years I never touched it, except in cases of emergencies. What I hadn't counted on was my insatiable need for discreet male companionship. I still don't understand why you had to burn our old mattress. Your drunk sister slept on it. I was afraid it was a posture-peed-on. [Knocking on door] Hey, guys, good news! I finally know why be tell them, honey. I'm pregnant. [Squeaking] Ut! Oh, this is so exciting! A new baby in the projects! Yeah, but we ain't responsible for it. It's not like we're its parents, right? No, of course not. Hmm. I wonder what bebe and jimmy will name the baby. Not thurgood! No, there'd be no good reason to name him thurgood. Thurgood, what's gotten into you? Stop toying with me, woman! If you know something, just say it.  I don't know what you're talking about. You me to say it for you? Fine! [Whimpering] Bebe raped me! What? It happens, muriel. I've learned to live with it. Why can't you? My god! Are you saying you slept with my sister?! Ok. I can see you're on to me. Here's the truth. Bebe and I may or may not have had sex. And if so, I may or may not be that baby's daddy. You're not mad are you? Ok, I deserved that. Ok, now we're even. Are you as turned on as I am? Get out! Ok. So you blew the dough, and big wally's gonna be cheesed. You can't spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. So are you gonna run like a filthy coward, or save your dignity and face big wally? I think we both know the answer to that. Umh! I'm outta here. I now pronounce you man and wife. [Wedding march plays] Oops! Sorry. Force of habit. Ok. You'reed for sound. As soon as sweet les sells you the drugs, I'll bust in and arrest him. And I'll have the evidence safely stowed away in my veins. Aah! It's going to take more than a locked door to keep me from the make-up sex you need. Heh heh heh. Thurgood, I told you I don't want to see you. Oh, please, please, baby-baby! I love you so much! I miss you! I'm nothing without you! And you're hungry. And I'm hungry! I haven't eaten since I left. You gotta take me back! Well, I'm not a completely cold-hearted person. And just to show you that 25 years of marriage mean something, I'll give you a chance. Thank you, honey. Our long marital nightmare is over. Not so fast! Bebe is having a dna test. If you're not the father... I'll take you back. But if you are the father... I never want to see you again! [Mumbling] Ok, he's gone. Let's go. This is day one of the hilton jacobs project. We've traced the bougie man back to his lair and we're gonna record all the evidence. We're gonna stop the bougie man's killing, sell the tape, and  a killing of our own. [Door opening] Juicy: We're in! Oh, man! I bet he keeps the kids in cages like veal. And when they're all gone, he's got free-range kids. Oh, my god! It's the candy he makes the kids sell. Let's get out of here! Not yet. Candy doesn't prove anything. We still haven't found the-- the bath tub full of ice! [Screaming] [Front door opening] I'm so sacred! I'm so scared, I'm so scared! I'm so sorry I got juicy into this. [Whispering] I love you, mom. Sweet les: Ok, man, what you want? Smokey: I want the voices in my head... to stop selling me aluminum siding! Voices? What kind of stunt you pulling? Yes, that is my final answer, regis. W-wait a minute! You wearing a wire?! [Grunting] Heeelllppp! Oh, great. Now I gotta go dosome killing. Haiti lady: Ok, I married a U.S. Citizen. Now can I have my green card? Husband's name? Emiliio desiderio sanchez, seŅora. I suppose that's a minnesota accent. Actually, I once spent a very lonely winter in minne-- shut up. [Computer beeping] Oh, here's a shock. You're not a citizen either! What? Bu late wife esperanza... she was an america citizen! And you were married for 2 full years, as required by law? Ahem! Funny story. See, actually she died a week before our second anniversary. I meant to apply for a hardship case, but I had to have my larynx removed that week. Hey, that is funny! [Laughing heartily] Next! At least we have each other. What's the worst they can do to us now? [Ship's horn blowing] Sanchez! My bad. Come on! Hurry up, you damn filthy bus. Aah! Going somewhere? Big wally! I've been waiting 50 years for this day. Nobody double-crosses big wally and lives. No, don't kill me! [Mumbling] Smokey! [Gun cocks] Sweet les: Hello, cop. It's time to die! Wait! We have to stick together! Juicy, where are you? [Panting] I'm coming juicy! Oh! Juicy, nooo! Well, this is it, thurgood. If the doctor says you're the father, I'm leaving you. Ok, everyone, I have the results of the paternity test. I can't believe the 's captain had the authority to grant us citizenship and annul our marriage. I can't believe he was just a sweet guy who likes to eat candy while taking ice baths. I can't believe big wally had a fatal heart attack while he was choking me on my neck. I can't believe it's not butter! I can't believe you know karate, smokey! That wasn't karate. That was withdrawal. Huh! I can't believe it! It's not totally uncommon. You see, anxiety caused by not knowing whether you had slept with your brother-in-law caused a false alarm. It's what we in the medical community call an hysterical pregnancy. [Laughing] Hey, that is hysterical! , Nurse, you can send in mrs. Ho now. But, doctor... that was mrs. Ho!  Oops! Heh heh  heh heh h-- [Heart beating] Ut-ut! Ut-ut! Ut-ut!