-- T h e P J s -- Title: Boyz 'N the Woods Season 1, episode 9 Aired: Tuesday, April 6, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Too broke for summer camp, Thurgood takes the boys camping with Sanchez and Walter. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Calvin: Batter up. Juicy: Let me be on top now. Calvin: You were on top when we stole that pie from Mrs. Avery's window. A pie I don't remember tasting. It's a fastball, high and inside. Thurgood: What the Hellen Cleghorne are you kids doing? Juicy: Hi, Super. Have you seen Calvin? Thurgood: What did I tell y'all about smashing light bulbs? You kids are the reason I don't sweep up broken glass. What are you doing inside on a beautiful, hot, muggy summer day anyway? Calvin: We got nothin' to do. Thurgood: Well, when I was a boy, we had plenty to do. Ain't there any albino kids you and your friends can go pick on? Or don't we do that anymore? Calvin: All of our friends went to camp. Thurgood: Why ain't you with 'em? Calvin: The Black To Nature Fund said we weren't underprivileged enough. Thurgood: What? Huh?! Not under-- not underprivileged enough? You live in this rundown firetrap, ain't no heat and no water, why, it's classic neglect. We goin' to go down to the Black To Nature Fund and teach them about takin' care of kids. Thurgood: [Knock knock] Hey, you in there! I demand attention! HUD Woman: The registration for Special Olympics is to the right. Thurgood: What?! Huh?! Do I look like a athlete to you? I am the superintendent of the Hilton Jacobs projects, and I demand to know why these boys can't go to your camp. HUD Woman: All participating children were sponsored by their own communities. Now, if you want to, you can raise the money and send these boys yourself. Thurgood: Oh, yeah, yeah. While we're at it, we could just give 'em some hugs and kisses and encouragement, too, right? Help build up their self-esteem. Juicy: I'd like a hug. Thurgood: Shut your pie hole, stupid. I'm trying to help you. Please, can't we do something for these kids? Look how sad they are. HUD Woman: I'll have you know, sir, I'm calling the authorities. Thurgood: Finally. Now we're gettin' somewhere. Thurgood: So, after an all-night discussion with a social service director and detective Kevin Flagg, whom, thankfully, I went to high school with, I'm urging my community to help send these boys to camp. All: To camp? That's a good idea. Thurgood: Now, now, look, I've decided that a courtyard carnival is the best way to raise money. Muriel: A carnival? Oh, what a wonderful idea. Thurgood: Yeah, yeah, now, we gonna need some booths. Any suggestions? Mrs. Avery: I got a surefire moneymaker. Thurgood: Well, come on with it. Mrs. Avery: Keep your eye on the queen and not in-between. Don't get lost in my rhyme, or you'll lose every time. Thurgood: Yeah, that's great. Now, does anyone have any ideas that are not insane?! Bebe: Ooh, ooh, I got one. Thurgood: Or illegal? Bebe: [Disappointed] Ohh. Haiti Lady: I can be a gypsy fortune teller, or you can all get cancer. Thurgood: All right, one gypsy fortune teller. Sanchez: And I'll be the clown making children laugh, as I am in life. Thurgood: Now, that's the spirit. Juicy: Help send us kids to camp! Guess the fat man's weight. One dollar. Local Man: 1500 pounds! Hudson: Now, come on, that's cold. Nobody weighs that much. Local Man: A thousand? Hudson: Higher! Sanchez: Come see the hideous freak of nature. Not me! In there. Smokey: [Humming] Chelsea: Shouldn't you be holding a pencil or something? Smokey: I will, as soon as my arm stops doin' this. Thurgood: Welcome to Mr. Stubbs' Wild Ride! Keep your hands and feet inside the drum at all times. And away we go! Hyah! [Descending whistle] [thud] [tires screeching] [crash] Thurgood: [nonchalant whistling] Thurgood: So, Muriel, how did we do? Muriel: Well, let's see... Provided we settle out of court all claims against Mr. Stubbs' Wild Ride, then I'd say... You boys are going to camp! Calvin & Juicy: Yay! Thurgood: All right, you heard her, boys. Now, you meet me here, right here, with all your gear-- let's check the bus schedule... Give me that. Ah, uh, hmm. All right, 6 A.M. a week ago. A week ago? Calvin & Juicy: A week ago? Thurgood: Ut! Muriel: Oh, my, he's right. Thurgood: Maybe I shouldn't have held that carnival over for an extra week, kids. My bad. I'm sorry, boys. But look on the bright side, with a sob story like this, you'll be a shoo-in for next year's camp. Calvin: Next year. Hmm. I've heard that before. Muriel: Thurgood, isn't there anything you can do? Calvin: Come on, Juicy. We might as well go to the library and read some books. Thurgood: Library?! You know what you're gonna be doing if you go to the library? You're gonna be giving up. Now, where would I be right now if I ran to a book every time I faced a problem? I wouldn't be a super in the projects, I'll tell you that much. You know what? You know what?! I'm gonna take y'all camping myself. Calvin: You mean it? You're really gonna take us camping? Thurgood: You bet. Because if there's one thing I know, is God helps those who, uh, um, God, uh... God will help those-- Muriel, what is it that God helps? Muriel: Those who help themselves. Thurgood: You're damn right, and you won't find that in no book! Muriel: You're all packed, Thurgood. Thurgood: You remember my medication? Muriel: This is your medication. You got your blood pressure medicine, your nitro, your insulin, your milk of magnesia, your Kaopectate-- Thurgood: Where's my Contac, my Comtrex, and my Zantax for my reflux? Muriel: In your backpack, with your Ex-lax. Thurgood: Tic-tacs? Muriel: Fanny pack. Thurgood: Give your dog a bone, this old man is leavin' home. Thurgood: Hup, 2, 3, 4! Hup, 2, 3, 4! [Cadence] Thurgood: I'm a fiercely proud black male Group: I'm a fiercely proud black male Thurgood: Hope I don't wind up in jail Group: Hope I don't wind up in jail Thurgood: Sound off! Group: 1, 2! Thurgood: Break it on down Group: 3, 4! Thurgood: Sound off! All: 1, 2, 3, 4 the clapper! Thurgood: Ok, troops, we're goin' camping. Move it out! Ok, troops, make camp. Calvin & Juicy: What?! In the courtyard? Thurgood: That's right, welcome to the great outdoors. Calvin: You said we were goin' to the wilderness. You said we were goin' to rough it. Thurgood: This is outdoors, at night, in the projects. You can't get no rougher than that. Calvin & Juicy: Aww. ================================================================================ Thurgood: Ahh, see there, courtyard camping ain't so bad. Calvin: Well, it ain't nature. How we gonna see the stars? Most days we can't even see the sun. Juicy: Yeah, you promised us adventure. Thurgood: Now, now, you can't have any wilderness adventure without indian scout names. Calvin: I want to be Big Chief Redskin. Me scalp 'em, pale face. Thurgood: Hey, Calvin, you've got to respect the dignity of our native American brothers by choosing an authentic indian name. Authentic! I'll be Chief Grand Cherokee Fully Loaded. Walter: I'll be Little Big Horny. Juicy: Can I be Pocahontas? Thurgood: If you must, boy. Walter: Now, to make your final knot, hold one end of the rope with your left hand and loop the right end over three times. Now pull tight. Calvin: Like this, Mr. Burkett? Walter: Perfect. Ah, you know, I think you have a career ahead of you in the exciting world of law enforcement and/or terrorism. See him struggle? It just got tighter, didn't it? Thurgood: Walter, untie that boy, please. Calvin: Super, promised us adventure. We wanted to go hiking and see animals and go fishing. Thurgood: Well, fine, let's go fishing. Calvin: You can't go fishing in the projects. Thurgood: Uh, that's where you're wrong. Boys, grab your poles, and let's go to the fishing hole. [Theme plays from the Andy Griffith Show] [glass breaks] [car alarm sounds] Walter: Oh Lord! Juicy: Uh oh. Walter: Go! Go! Go! Go! Thurgood: Well, here we are at the old fishing hole. Aren't we havin' a good time? Calvin: Aw, man, there ain't no fish down there. Thurgood: All right, now, now, maybe if you just drop your lines in, you'll find something. Right, Jimmy? Jimmy: Hey, it's a fish hole, ain't it? [Reel clicks] Calvin: Hey, I think I got something. Fish stix?! Jimmy: You bet. And I think if you throw your line in that cove over there, you'll find a nice school of tater tots. Calvin: Oh, man. This is whack. Thurgood: See, I told you all camping would be fun. Calvin: This ain't campin'. This is homelessness. Juicy: Yeah, if we've got to be cold, damp, and hungry, we might as well be in our apartment. Thurgood: Hey, hey, come on, now, wait. Don't go inside yet, boys. There's still plenty more outdoor adventure to be had. Calvin: Like what? Thurgood: Well, uh, we could try to... uh, find a bird. Well, fine, go inside. But nightfall's here, and that's the only time that Red Moley comes out. Calvin: Who's Red Moley? Jimmy: Oh, no! Not Red Moley! They ain't old enough for Red Moley. Calvin: We're old enough! Who's Red Moley? Thurgood: If you're too girlie to handle camping, you cannot handle a ghost story as scary as Red Moley. Calvin: Oh. Sanchez: No, Thurgood, they'll pee their pants. Calvin: We won't pee our pants, will we Juicy? Thurgood: Jimmy, throw another tire on the fire. Juicy: Ahh, this fire is making me sleepy. Thurgood: Don't ever fall asleep by a tire fire, boy. You'll never wake up. Ok, the campfire's burned down to the steel belting. Time for S'mores. No, no, no! Don't roast the whole bag. No, no, don't put the melted plastic in your-- ohh. Juicy: Aah! Calvin: Ha ha ha ha! Juicy screams like a girl. Juicy: You ought to know... since you're with Chelsea all the time. Calvin: You take that back! Juicy: Calvin and Chelsea sittin' in a tree Calvin: Shut up! Group: K-i-s-s-i-n-g Calvin: See what you did? Thurgood: Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. It took me 23 years of marriage to learn that. Calvin: I'm not in love with her. Jimmy: Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist. Sanchez: Shut up! Group: Sanchez and voice therapist sittin' in a tree Sanchez: See what you did? Calvin: Now can we hear about Red Moley? Thurgood: Not until we have us a good old-fashioned campsite sing-along. Walter, would you like to lead us off? Walter: The girl is pretty wild, now the girl's a superfreak I'd really like to taste-- Thurgood: Walter! Walter: Kumbaya, my lord-ara, kumbaya Group: Kumbaya, my lord-ara, kumbaya... Kumbaya, my lord-ara, kumbaya Thurgood: Oh, Lord, kumbaya... Have no gift to bring, kumbaya Calvin: Super, you promised to tell us about Red Moley. Thurgood: Are you sure you can handle that story? You know, Red Moley is a very scary man. Juicy: Oh, like coach Kennebrew. Thurgood: No, he's a dangerous madman who lures little kids into his basement. Calvin: Oh, like coach Brice. Thurgood: No, no, no! This man is the bastard son of a hundred maniacs. Walter: Thurgood, I told you about my childhood in complete confidence. Thurgood: Not you, Walter! It was on a night like this... In some scary projects just like this... when Red Moley killed a camper repeatedly. So they locked him up. Calvin: Where? Juvie or one of them punk boot camps? Juicy: I hear the food's way better at juvie. [Both laugh] Thurgood: This isn't working. I think it's time for Red Moley to make a special appearance. Walter, embellish. Walter: Red Moley was the meanest, most evilest maniac anyone ever saw. Calvin: How did Red Moley get his name? Walter: From his mother, moms Moley. Calvin & Juicy: Ohh. Walter: And it was on a night like this when the moon was full that Red Moley would pounce! That Red Moley would jump out of the bushes and scare children! That Red Moley would stop taking a leak and hit his cue! Thurgood: Wha--? [Zip] Thurgood: Aah! Calvin & Juicy: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Thurgood: Aah! Walter: Ok, Thurgood, you can stop screaming now. Thurgood: No, I can't. I'm caught in my zipper! Oww! Ahh! Whoo! Free at last. Heh heh heh. Did you see that Calvin run? Walter: Did--Did you see that Juicy jiggle? Thurgood: Yeah, can't wait to see the looks on their faces when they come back. Thurgood: Heh heh heh heh. All right, boys, you can come on back now. We're just funnin'. Heh heh heh heh heh! Thurgood: Yeah. Come on back, boys! [Coyote howl] Thurgood: Boys? ================================================================================ Juicy: Aah! Oh, Red Moley! Whoa! Calvin: Juicy! Juicy, come back! Juicy: No, I'm gonna run and run until I can't run no more! Ok, I'm done. Calvin: Juicy, listen to me. Didn't Red Moley look an awful lot like Super? Juicy: Yeah. He was hideous. Calvin: And what did he smell like? Juicy: Malt liquor and funk. It was the super. Calvin: That's right! First he takes us on this stupid camping trip, then he scares the S'mores out of us. I say we go back there and scare him. Juicy: But Red Moley's back there. Calvin: So are graham crackers. Juicy: Race you. Walter: Do you think something could have happened to those boys? Thurgood: Well, I hope not, but it's not like the Earth's gonna open up and swallow 'em whole. Calvin: Aah! Son of a-- Uhh! Juicy: Calvin! Where are you? Calvin: Get off! Juicy: Where are we? Calvin: Let's see. Juicy: I was gonna share them. Walter: Now, there's nothing to worry about. This is a perfectly safe neighborhood. [automatic gunfire] [glass smashing] [alarm wails] Woman: Aah! My baby! Walter: Shut up. Thurgood: You know, I think we ought to go look around for them. You know, maybe ask around a little bit. Sanchez: Drag the lakes. Thurgood: Sanchez, I ain't givin' up on those boys yet. I'm an optimist. See, you consider those boys half dead, I see the boys as half alive. Now let's move out. Come on, boys, fun is fun, but it's time to come back to camp! Jimmy: Look, Thurgood, an open manhole. You know what that means? Thurgood: Yeah, it means the boys could fall in. Unh! Juicy & Calvin: No! No! [Clank] Thurgood: There, we've prevented one disaster at least. Ok, why don't we split up into teams? Jimmy: I'll go with Sanchez. He needs a brother to go with him in this neighborhood. Walter: But he ain't black. Thurgood: Just let him go. Calvin: Great. Juicy, that box was sitting in sewer water. Juicy: Do you mind? I'm eating. Calvin: Juicy, throw those out! Juicy: Oh, all right. [Rats squeal] Calvin & Juicy: Oh! Rats! Calvin: What are they doing so far from the projects? Juicy: Maybe they're lost, too, and trying to find their way home. Calvin: Hey, I bet they'll take us right back to Hilton Jacobs. Juicy: I don't think they'll support our weight. Calvin: We're not going to ride them, stupid. Juicy: Stupid is a very hurtful word. Calvin: Come on, Juicy. Let's go. Thurgood: I am really worried, Walter. What if we never find those boys? I tell you, I can kiss Super of the Year good-bye, that's for sure. Walter: The police will help. Thurgood: I don't trust no police stations. Brothers check in, but they don't check out. Walter: Now calm down, thurgood. The police have been our friends since 1991. You let me handle this. Desk Sergeant: May I help you? Walter: We took some boys on a make-believe camping trip, and, uh, we may have killed them. Thurgood: Walter, no! No, that's not what happened, officer. What's wrong with you, Walter? Look, we'd like to report some missing kids. That's it... some missing kids. Yeah, that sounds better. Desk Sergeant: When's the last time you saw them? Walter: We last saw them running down the street after Red Moley scared the u-reen out of 'em. Desk Sergeant: Who's Red Moley? Thurgood: Oh, he's a serial killer. Oh, well, actually, he's me. Ha ha. Desk Sergeant: You're a serial killer? Thurgood: No, no, no, no. Red Moley is a serial killer. Desk Sergeant: And you're Red Moley? Thurgood: Yes. What's that over there? Could you buzz us out, please? [Buzzes] Jimmy: Those things will kill you. Sanchez: Bah! There's no proven link between cigarettes and death. [Boom] [rumbling] Juicy: Calvin, I hope we don't die down here. I've never even kissed a girl. Calvin: Look at me. I'm 10, and I don't even have any kids. Juicy: Yeah, but-- Calvin: Juicy, don't worry. The rats know where they're going. [Rats squeal] Juicy: I thought you said rats were smart. Calvin: They are. See? They're running from that giant ball of burning sewer gas. Juicy: Why aren't we running from that giant ball of burning sewer gas? Calvin? Calvin: Grate! Calvin: Well, I guess this is it. Juicy, it's been an honor playing with you. [Shuddering and whimpering] Calvin: Where are we? Smokey: A place where little boys shouldn't be. Calvin & Juicy: Aah! It's Red Moley! Smokey: Silence! [Clearing throat] I have a very bad, uh, hangover. Calvin & Juicy: Smokey?! Smokey: Welcome to my fortress of squalitude, or as we like to call it, the happiest place on earth. But where are my manners? Uh, Babs, Deshawn... Take our guests' bags to their room. Calvin: We don't have any bags. Smokey: That's ok. We don't have any rooms. So... what...brings you to Crackri-la? Juicy: We were camping. Calvin: Yeah. It was supposed to be an adventure, and it turned out to be nothin'. Smokey: Really? What happened? Calvin: Well, all we did was get chased by a monster, fall into the sewer with a million rats, escape a giant fireball, and discover a subterranean civilization of mysterious sewer people. Smokey: Hmm... Maybe it's the crack residue clouding my head, but wasn't that an adventure? Calvin: Hey, you're right. We did have an adventure. Juicy: A great adventure. Calvin: You know, Smokey, everyone thinks you're crazy, but you're really pretty smart. Smokey: Why, thank you, Mrs. Roosevelt. And, uh, may I add, you never looked lovelier. Calvin: Uh, I think it's time to go. Smokey: Say no more. This secret tunnel will lead you directly to the one you call Super. [Hiss!] Smokey: It comes up right behind Super's VCR. Calvin: Won't you come with us? Smokey: Alas, I cannot. For in your world, I am an outcast, but here, I am a king, and this is my kingdom! And, uh, that's the gross national product. Thurgood: Let's face it, we just gonna have to ask the tenants for help. Walter: Ok, uh, let's work on our alibis. I find the simplest explanation is the best. The fat kid ate the skinny one. Case closed. Thurgood: That's crazy. I'm not gonna tell that ridiculous story. Thurgood: So the 30 ninjas had us surrounded... Muriel: Mm-hmm. Thurgood: Uh...One of them jumped in front of me in a real mean stance. And, Muriel, I said, "Ninja, please--" Muriel: "Ninja, please," indeed. Thurgood, what is this nonsense? And where are the boys? Thurgood: All right, all right, if you must know, I'll tell you the truth. The fat kid ate the skinny kid. Case closed. Calvin: Hi, everybody! Praise god! He's bulimic. Muriel: Where have you boys been? Thurgood: Now, muriel, it's not important where the boys have been or who almost snuffed out their all-too-brief lives. Calvin: Yeah, what's important is the Super promised us a great adventure and that's what we got. Thurgood: Exactly. I knew camping would build their self-esteem. Juicy: Yeah, like when we fell down the sewer and the fireball almost-- Thurgood: Pie hole! Pie hole! Muriel: Well, I'm just glad all my boys are home safe and sound. Mrs. Avery: Hmm. Where are the two others what was with you? Thurgood: Ut! Jimmy: Oh! We're never gonna find our way out of here. Sanchez: I need a smoke. [Boom] ================================================================================ Credits: ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy, Steve Tompkins and Larry Wilmore Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz Will Vinton, Tom Turpin, Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Consulting Producers: Al Jean, Mike Riess Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Producer: Michael Price Supervicing Producer: Bill Freidberger, David Flebotte Produced by: J. Michael Mendel Written by: Ilana Wernick, Saladin Patterson Directed by: Paul Harrod Captioning made possible by Touchstone Television and Fox Broadcasting ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================