-- T h e P J s -- Title: Bougie Nights Season 1, episode 6 Aired: Tuesday, Feb. 9, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Muriel leaves Thurgood when he moves to the building's hidden penthouse. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ [loud growls] [squawks] Thurgood: Oh, no, no, T-rex, don't eat the kids. Go for the lawyer. He's in the port-a-potty. [Gnashing] Thurgood: No, I can't believe it. Ate a perfectly good toilet. Oh, the horror. Muriel: Thurgood, I'm home. Thurgood: Where you been? Muriel: You know. At my weekly meeting of women united to save our projects-- W.U.T.S.O.P. Thurgood: Oh, yeah. Well, my 40's empty. What's up with that? Muriel: We're trying to find a location where we can build a rec center. You know, a place for the kids to go and have fun. Thurgood: Shh! [Rumbling] Thurgood: You feel that? Muriel: Feel what? Thurgood, it's just the movie. Thurgood: No! Look! Muriel: Thurgood, the ceiling's leaking. Thurgood: [Gasps] What the Helldrige Cleaver? Muriel, hold down the 40.. I'll be right back. Mrs. Avery Super! There's a leak in my apartment. It soaked all my underwear. Thurgood: Sure it did. Mrs. Avery: Hmm! [Bell dings] Hudson: Super, my ceiling's leaking. Thurgood: Yours too, huh, Hudson? Hudson: Yeah, I'm gettin' all wet. Thurgood: Well, move out of the way. Hudson: If I could move, don't you think I'd be at the Dairy Queen? [Ding] Sanchez: Water...leak...ceiling. Thurgood: Go touch some rubber! Thurgood: Whoo! Top floor. Leak's gotta be coming from this place. Wait a minute. Who live here? I've never been to this apartment before. That's 'cause this tenant never complained about nothin'. Thurgood: Hey! Open up. I'm your new best friend. Hello? Anybody home? [Shatters] Thurgood: Uh, that was broken when I got in here, uh, whoever's here. Um... What the hell's going on with that water? Hey, there's someone in it. [Screaming] How long has this water been running? Thurgood: Mm-mmm. Ok, people, shall we get started? Have a seat, please. Come on. Have a seat. All right. Hey, I said sit down! All right. Thurgood: [Clears throat] We are gathered here today to bury one of our own. What can I say about the deceased? Uh...Hmmm. He was five foot six and weighed 155 pounds and had no distinguishing marks or scars. My God, his liver weighed a pound and a half. Hmm, that's serious. Anyone else? Ok, which one of you ladies wanna come up here and do the honors? Bebe: Wh... I'll do it. Bebe: Oh, God! [Crying hysterically] Don't take him, Lord! Don't take him, Lord! I can't live without him, Lord! Oh, no! No! No! No! All right. Plant him. Muriel [Crying] Thurgood: Muriel, you OK? Muriel: I was fine till I saw Bebe lose it. Haiti Lady: Muriel, you throw the best funeral parties. Back in Haiti the deceased is raised from the dead and does most of the work. Muriel: Well, I enjoy doing it. Haiti Lady: OK, but I offered. Juicy: Hey, look what I found. Thurgood: Give me that. Calvin, you're not grown. Don't be finding things. It's a will! The last will and testament of Hilton Jacobs. Hilton Jacobs? Now where the hell I heard that name? Bebe: It's the name of the building you never fix. Thurgood: No, that ain't it. Muriel: Yes, it is the name of the building you never fix-- Hilton Jacobs. Thurgood: You're telling me the builder of the building lived right here in this building? Let me see that thing. Thurgood: [Clears throat] I, Hilton Jacobs, being of sound mind and blah, blah, blah. Come on, let's get to the good stuff. It was during years with the C.I.A., Blah, blah, blah... Bay of pigs was actually blah, blah, blah... And James Earl Ray did not yada, yada, yada. Oh, now, here we are! And having no heirs, I leave all my worldly possessions to whoever finds this will. Mrs. Avery: It's a lootenanny. Sanchez: I'm back! Mrs. Avery: [Cocks gun] Drop it, or I'll blow you straight to Jesus. Thurgood: All right, people, please! Let's show some respect for the dead. Now, this man hasn't been gone...24 hours. Muriel: Thurgood, where'd you get that watch? Thurgood: Ut! Uh... Jimmy: Hey, everybody, look. Look at this place. Calvin: Wow! It's huge. Rasta Man: We could pack a thousand people in here. Jimmy: Yeah. It's like that sneaker factory back in Korea. Juicy: Man! I wish my family had this apartment. We'd be living large! Thurgood: Y'all shouldn't be living any larger. Juicy: Ok. Jimmy: Then who should live in this apartment? Sanchez: It is customary for the building superintendent to decide. Thurgood: Shut up, San-- hey, wait a minute. Yeah, speak up, Sanchez. Sanchez: The superintendent has the authority to select new tenants in cases-- Thurgood: All right. Now shut up. Y'all heard what came outta Sanchez's neck. Mrs. Avery: Give the place to me. I've been here the longest. Thurgood: You ain't got but 3 months left, and we ain't moving you in just so we can move you back out. Bebe: You know, Thurgood, if you let me and Jimmy have this place, I could, uh, make it worth your while. Thurgood: Oh, for cripesake. Bebe, are you coming on to me? Bebe: Now, see? See, now you're tripping. I would never do that to my sister. Jimmy: Did he go for it? Bebe: He's wise. Muriel: Friends, friends. Thurgood can't do anything until he first goes to HUD. Thurgood: Muriel's right. There's a very elaborate HUD Procedure for situations just like these. It's not like I can just hold a lottery or something. HUD Woman: Hold a lottery. Next! Thurgood: All right, everybody. We're having a lottery. Now, whoever's name I pull out of this hat gets the apartment. Murial, my chateau. Mrs. Avery: How do we know you two ain't in cahoots? You could be a couple of flimflam artists, far as we know. Thurgood: Well, all right, then. Then you pick the name. Mrs. Avery: Oh, no. I played the big horn, and I pulled this game on a couple of pigeons in St. Louis back in '38. We went by the names of Fat Annie and Big Wally Biggs. Thurgood: Just pick the name, you crazy old loon! I don't wanna hear all that mess-- I don't wanna hear it, Muriel. I have to sit and listen to all this crap! Just pick a name! And not one of them trick names you got on a string, neither. Mrs. Avery: My grip ain't what it used to be. Shiz-nit! Thurgood: Aw, not another stroke! Jimmy: Who is it? Muriel: Thurgood, it's us. [theme music to The Jeffersons] Well, we're movin' on up Movin' on up To the east side Movin' on up To a deluxe apartment in the sky ================================================================================ Thurgood: Ahh! Jerry Springer. Muriel: Thurgood, what are you doing in that getup? Thurgood: Like it? I found it in the closet, and I found these in the bedroom. Muriel, I tell you, this guy had class shootin' out his ass. Muriel: Is that how he died? Thurgood: You know, Muriel, I'm really proud I scrimped and saved my whole life to afford a place like this. Muriel: Thurgood, we pulled names out of a hat. Thurgood: And whose hat was that, Muriel? Whose hat was that? God, I love this place! Look at the view! This must be the most desirable apartment in town. Look. From up here, you can actually see where the city services stop. Muriel: Thurgood, what is this picture doing in the trash? Thurgood: It's just not...us. Muriel: Thurgood, it's our wedding picture. If you want to get rid of something, you can get rid of that chair. Thurgood: Hey, this chair ain't goin' nowhere. Muriel: Goody, I was thinkin'... When we took this apartment, we may have ruffled some feathers. Thurgood: We got ruffles? Muriel: No, but we could have some at our housewarming party. You know, to make our friends feel welcome here as they did at our old place. Thurgood: I think that's a great idea. Now...who should we put on the "A" list? [Playing mellow jazz] Thurgood: You need to invest your money. Now, Muriel and I, we play the market. The Korean market's got your best lottos. Muriel: Thurgood, could you come in here? Thurgood: Coming, darling. I got one word for y'all-- quick picks. Thurgood: We take off our shoes here at Thurwood, so if you would please be so kind... Uh, Mrs. Avery, please, you can keep your shoes on. Mrs. Avery: I ain't wearin' no shoes! And no bloomers neither! Thurgood: Well, walk on the hardwood and sit on the plastic. Muriel: Thurgood! That's no way to speak to people. Now, I want you to make these folks feel welcome in our home. Thurgood: [Grumbles] Oh, all right! Walter: Hey, Thurgood, thanks for having me. How you doin'? Thurgood: I'd be doin' a lot better if you'd take your drink off my platter of the Platters and please use my coaster of the Coasters. Were you raised in a barn?! Walter: No! A whorehouse. You know that. Thurgood: That's right. That's right--hey! Get that offa my chair! Hey, what are you boys doin'? You know it took me years to mold this seat to my butt? Juicy: Sorry, Super. I was just sittin'. Thurgood: Are you crazy, boy?! You ruined my La-z-boy! Look at it. Look at it. My ass ain't gonna fit in it no more. Muriel: Thurgood, don't talk to the boy like that. What's gotten into you? Bebe: Looks to me like bougie fever. Thurgood: Wha--bougie?! Bougie fe--?! You callin' me bougie?! Where are my ski poles? I'll throttle you! Get your--get your hands off me, Muriel! Nobody's callin' me bougie! Muriel, what is bougie?! Muriel: It means you think you're better than other people. Thurgood: Well, then, hell, bougie as charged. Haiti Lady: People! We don't need to be treated like this. Let's go to my place. I taped figure skating. Thurgood: You heard the haiti lady. You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here. [Mumbling and grumbling] Muriel: Wait! Don't leave. He didn't mean it. Please stay--Ok. Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye... Buh-bye. Muriel: Hmm! Hi, Bebe. I baked you a cake. Bebe: Let me guess: Pineapple, uppity-side down cake? Muriel: Bebe, I'm still the same sister you grew up and shared a bunk bed with. Bebe: Yeah, and as I recall, you were on the top looking down on me! Muriel: Bebe, do we have to talk through the door like this? Wait a minute! You're having a W.U.T.S.O.P. Meetin'! I don't believe it! Suddenly, just because I live up, I'm not down with W.U.T.S.O.P.?! Mrs. Avery: Yeah! Peace in the middle! Muriel: I can't believe this. We haven't changed. We drink the same brown tap water as everyone else. But if you all don't want me around, I guess I'll just go. Mrs. Avery: Hey! What about your dues? Thurgood: [Inhales heavily] Bbbbb-bbb-bbb! Ahh! I feel refreshed. I don't know how I got along all these years without a bidet. What are you doin'? Muriel: I'm packin'. I want us to move back to our old apartment. Thurgood: But this is our dream home! Muriel: But, Thurgood, we're completely isolated. Our friends think we're bougie, and they won't even come by anymore. Thurgood: Exactly. This is our dream home, Muriel! Muriel: Thurgood, I can't stay here. I'm going back to where we come from. Thurgood: Africa? Muriel: Yes, Thurgood...Africa. [Slam] ================================================================================ Thurgood: I just can't believe Muriel left! I mean, I understand her leavin' me, but this palace? Ah, I guess I'm better off alone. Thurgood: [Echo] More...More...Space for me...me...me... Hey, there's an echo...echo...echo... Why...Why...Why...Why...? Thurgood: Heh heh... Thurgood's great! [No echo] Thurgood: Ut...Ut...Ut...Ut...! Thurgood: Hey, Walter. Whatcha doin' down there? It's me! Yeah, yeah! Thurgood Howell III right here! Yeah, that's funny. That's a funny one. Ha ha! Well, listen here, lovey left me, so I'm callin' to see if you wanna come up here and have a little poker game--huh? Why not? It's 3:00 in the mornin'?! If that is not the lamest excuse. Fine. I'll just find some new friends. Thurgood: All right, Tarnell, you're the dealer. Smokey: You a dealer? Thurgood: Hey, I thought you was off that poison. Smokey: I'm just networking. Tarnell: Ok! The game's fat-face 4 with the ghostest. Suicide kings, one-eyed jacks, low spade in the hole, follow that bitch, and no sneaky-peeky, mother hubbard. Ha ha! One for you! Ha ha! One for you. That's what you wanted, right? Thurgood: Gimme those cards! I'll deal. 5-card draw. Smokey, what you got? Smokey: Uh...What is it when the cards talk to you? Thurgood: Time to double your bet. Tonio, how many you need? Tarnell: One plus one, mother hubbard. All right! Rupaul and Little Richard! Thurgood: OK, pair of queens. What's your bet, Smokey? Smokey: Mmm. I'll bet Super's wallet... And, um, I'll raise Super's wristwatch. Thurgood: Give me those! Smokey: All right. I'll fold. I guess I'll have to take off my pants. Whoa! This ain't no strip poker! Smokey: No, no, no! I want what's fair and square. I don't want your charity. Thurgood: [Sputtering] game over! All y'all get out right now! Tarnell: But I had Michael, Marlon, Tito, And Jermaine! Thurgood: What?! Tarnell: Jacks and 5s! Thurgood: What--y'all get the hell outta here right now! Go! Tarnell: It's true what those player haters say. He is bougie! Smokey: There but for the grace of crack, go I. Thurgood: Heroin chic, my arm! Thurgood: Muriel? Oh. Just dirty dishes. Man, I got a big butt. Thurgood: Rose...Wood. Voice: Thurgood... Thurgood: No, Piglet. That's my honey. Voice: Thurgood! Thurgood: Aw, Tigger, please. Voice: Thurgood Orville Stubbs. Awaken! Thurgood: Huh?! What?! What the--ut?! Bless my soul train! Who the hell are you?! What are you, a ghost? Ghost: We prefer apparition American. Thurgood, I am the spirit of Hilton Jacobs. I built this project and then holed myself up in it for 40 years. Thurgood: Wow. That's really sweet. Ghost: No! It is not sweet, Thurgood! It was wrong for me to stay up here, away from my fellow man. Do you know why I wear these chains? Thurgood: Well, that's one of them security chains, isn't it? I got one on my leather jacket. Ghost: Silence! Thurgood! You can't live up here alone! You need the people of these projects, and they need you. Thurgood: Hey! I don't need Jack Cade? All right? Ghost: You're wrong, Thurgood. Take my hand. Thurgood: Hey, I don't know. That don't seem right. Ghost: All right. Then, grab my chain. Thurgood: Ooh. Can I? Ghost: Behold. Thurgood: Is this--is this a vision of things that are yet to be? Ghost: No! This is what's happening now because you're spending all your time in your deluxe apartment in the sky-yi-yi-yi. Thurgood: She hasn't moved in a long time. Hey! Mrs. Avery! Ghost: The living can't see or hear you, Thurgood. Mrs. Avery: What are y'all lookin' at? Thurgood: Mrs. Avery?! Mrs. Avery: Oh, no! Not again! Oh! Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! I'm surprised this didn't kill me! Thurgood: Hey, why don't you just show me something with my wife Muriel in it? Ghost: All right! I'll show you how things will be if you insist on living this life of isolation. Thurgood: Now you're talkin'. This is gonna be great. Please, please, please let her be miserable. [Thud] Muriel: Yes, I'm grateful you've chosen my novel for your book club, but I can't come on your show again. Oprah, no. Oprah, good-bye. Oprah! Good-bye! Whew! Thurgood: What the-- I can't believe this! Muriel's actually a success without me! Boy, I tell you, if that ain't the final kick in the butt. Ghost: He said, before he saw... Sanchez: We're all out of shampoo, lover. Thurgood: What the hell is he doin' here?! You getter not touch my Tegrin! Come here, my spanish fly guy. Sanchez: Oooohhh, yyyeaaahh! [Buzzing] Thurgood: That latin Casa-no-one. I'm getting Cuba Good'n'ready to kick his behind! I'll tell ya that! Ghost: It's not his fault, Thurgood. Someone had to comfort Muriel. You locked yourself away in that ivory tower. It's up to you now to figure out what to do. I have given you the key. Thurgood: Yeah, that's just what I need now--another key! Ghost: I have faith in you, Thurgood. You'll do the right thing! Thurgood: Wait! Wait! Hey, spirit, I don't know what to do! Spirit! Damn! Why must I always give the impression I'm smarter than I am?! Muriel--oh! Oh! Ooh... What was that ghost tryin' to tell me? Do the right turn? Uh, do the hustle? God! I got the attention span of a-- Hey, look! A dime! Hey, who threw this out? Oh, yeah. Me. The new me. The old me woulda never turned his back on Muriel. This place has caused me nothin' but trouble. [Hammering sawing] Sanchez: It's 3:00 in la maņana! What's Super doing up there? Haiti Lady: He makin' enough noise to wake the dead! And you have to be union to do that. Bebe: Who does he think he is?! People have to work in the morning! Rasta Man: Hey! Someone here got a job? Jimmy: Let's go break him up something proper. Mrs. Avery: I'll get my towel full of oranges. They won't find a mark on him! Haiti Lady: [Pounding] Bougie man! Come out! Come out with your nose in the air! Muriel: I heard all the noise. What's going on? [Hammering and sawing] Muriel: Goody, what are you doing in there? Thurgood: Muriel! Is that you? Muriel: Yes, Goody, I'm here. Thurgood: Oh, Muriel! Muriel! Muriel! Oh, Muriel, I spent a lot of time alone and thinkin'. And I didn't care for either! But let me tell you somethin', Muriel. If this penthouse only makes people hate you and turn their backs on you, then I am gettin' rid of it! All: Give it to me! I'll take it! I'll take it! Thurgood: Now, hold on, hold on. I ain't givin' it to nobody! [Irritable murmuring] Thurgood: I'm givin' it to everybody! All: Oooh!Ooooh! Oooh! Ooh!Ooh! Aaah!Aaaah! Aaah! Aah!Aah! Juicy: Wow! Super made us a pool hall! Thurgood: It's not gonna be a pool hall. It's a rec room, a rec center, a recreation facility, if you will. Calvin: What's the difference? Thurgood: Just get your Ashford Simpson in there and have some fun! Mrs. Avery: Are you kids wanna play some pool? I never played before. I'm sure you can beat me easily. Ok, the game is cutthroat eightball! The lady breaks. Only a blind man and a poor man can't play. If you're poor, please step away. Muriel: This is wonderful! Thurgood: Well, Muriel, I just wanted to show you I wasn't always thinkin' of myself. And I'm still the same humble man that you married. ================================================================================ Created by: Eddie Murphy and Steve Tompkins & Larry Wilmore Executive Producers: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Tony Krantz Executive Producer: Eddie Murphy Executive Producers: Will Vinton, Tom Turpin Executive Producers: Larry Wilmore, Steve Tompkins Consulting Producers: Al Jean, Mike Reiss Consulting Producer: Les Firestein Supervising Director: Mark Gustafson Supervising Producer: Bill Freiberger Supervising Producer: David Flebotte Produced By: J. Michael Mendel Written By: David Flebotte Directed By: Mark Gustafson ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================