-- T h e P J s -- Title: Bones, Bugs, and Harmony Season 1, episode 2 Aired: Tuesday, Jan. 12, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood assumes the worst when he finds Mrs. Avery eating dog food. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Radio: It'll be a beautiful day in the suburbs-- 72 degrees and sunny. Meanwhile, in the projects, the heat will be oppressive-- a blistering 105 with no relief in sight. [Rumbling] Muriel: Oh, my. Thurgood: Mm-mmm! Smells good! Is that the automatic drip? Muriel: Uh, it's the house blend. Don't you want some cream? Thurgood: Nope. Black. Keeping it real today, Muriel. Muriel: My, you're in a chipper mood. Thurgood: Yep, yep, yep! It's rent day! Almost as much fun as eviction day. Muriel: Thurgood! Thurgood: What? Bah! I'm too excited to eat. I got my mind on their money, and their money on my mind, heh heh! Thurgood: Hey, Haiti lady! It's rent day! Haiti Lady: Well, it's like this, Super-- t'ings a little tight dis month. Thurgood: Oh, yeah? Are they as tight as standing room on a raft back to Haiti? Haiti Lady: Oh! Keep the change. Thurgood: Eh, I thought not! Bebe: Rent?! You oughta pay us to live in this roach-infested dump! Thurgood: [Gasp] We do not have roaches! Bebe: Then what's that? Thurgood: That is a water bug. Bebe: We ain't got water. Thurgood: Hudson, come on. The rent's due. Hudson: Uh, I need an extension. Thurgood: How much time? Hudson: No. An extension for my arm. I can't reach my wallet. Thurgood: Oh, all right. Hey...no...oh... Hey, I hope that's a roll of quarters. Hudson: Super, I think there might be roaches on the floor. Thurgood: You seen some roaches? Hudson: Me? See the floor? Ha ha ha! Oh, Super, you better stop! Thurgood: Avery, lemme in there! I'm here to get your rent! Mrs. Avery: Come back at the end of the month! I ain't payin' for no days I might not see. Thurgood: I tell you what. You ain't gonna see this afternoon if you don't pay me my rent this morning! Mrs. Avery: No chance! As my mammogram say, "lump it!" Thurgood: Hmph! Muriel: Did you collect all the rent? Thurgood: Yeah, I got everybody but miss avery. Old bat wouldn't let me in. What kind of thick-headed moron thinks they can live here for free? Muriel: Besides us? Thurgood: Just pass the Lactaid, please! Muriel: Thurgood, while you were out, some of the tenants called. It seems we've got a problem with roaches. Thurgood: I don't wanna hear no more about roaches. I just wanna sit here and enjoy my raisin bran. Muriel: Thurgood, those are corn flakes. Thurgood: Blugghh! Roach: Yeow! Thurgood: Jiminy Walker, Muriel! We got roaches! Thurgood: Dughh... Thurgood: Ahem! Hey, I need some roach spray. HUD Woman: Fumigation tanks to the left. Next! Thurgood: Hey, hey! How about some instructions or something? HUD Woman: All right... walk over there, pick up a tank, leave! Next! Thurgood: But-- HUD Woman: Next! Juicy: Calvin's got more than me. Thurgood: Now, now. There's enough poison to go around, all right? So just relax. Ok, boys, listen up. We gonna catch these roaches, we gonna have to start thinking like roaches. A roach is a brainless little creature that lives to eat, eat, eat. Juicy: They weird. [Munching] Thurgood: The most important roach is the queen. She has up to 2,000 offspring. You know why? Calvin: More government assistance? Thurgood: No! To maintain the colony. Calvin: What about the king? Thurgood: There is no king. Just the babies' daddy. Ok, everybody, put on your mask. These are dangerous chemicals we gonna use here. Juicy: Like this? Thurgood: [Sigh] Let him be, Thurgood. It's just natural selection. Muriel: Thurgood, be careful with that thing. Thurgood: What?! Muriel: Oh! It says, "Caution. May cause sterility." Thurgood: Oh, Muriel, that's ridiculous. Look, I been using this for years, and if we had kids, they'd use it, too. Muriel: Ahem. Thurgood: Oh, good. Did you spray every crack? Calvin: Yup. Juicy: Yup. Smokey: N-n-nobody sprayed mine. Thurgood: Get outta here! Smokey: Ok, Ok. Are you gonna finish that? Thurgood: Go on! Get! Move it! Thurgood: Ok, this is the last apartment-- Mrs. Avery's. Now, before I open this door, it's very important you boys put on your mask. Calvin: Oh, right. The spray? Thurgood: No. The old people smell. You ready? Ok. Avery, open up! Mrs. Avery: I told you, I ain't payin' no rent! Now, scat, you lowdown, scum-suckin' son of a-- Calvin & Juicy: [In unison] Hi, Mrs. Avery. Mrs. Avery: [Sweetly] Oh, hi, angels. How're you? Now, you take these lemon cookies and scoot. I'm gonna empty my shotgun in the Super now. Calvin & Juicy: Ok. Ok. Calvin & Juicy: Bye. Bye. Thurgood: Oh, hey, Mrs. Avery, look, I ain't here for no rent. I just need to come in and do some sprayin'. Mrs. Avery: Oh, there gonna be some sprayin'. [Shotgun pumping] Thurgood: Hmm... Thurgood: Come on. Will you just say it, Muriel? It's the only way we gonna get Mrs. Avery out of her apartment. Muriel: Oh, all right. Thurgood's dead! I say, Thurgood's dead! Mrs. Avery: Hot diggity! Ha! I'm gonna party like it's 1939! I got to find me a way to celebrate, hee hee! Thurgood: Halle-Berry-lujah! Thurgood: Oh! Candy. Mmm... Oh... chocolate... caramel... roach... maple? Ugh! Maple. Who would put maple in a--? Roach?! Oh, my God, it's the queen! Thurgood: Slow your highness down! Where'd she go? Now, where would a queen hide? Thurgood: [Snap] The closet! Come outta that closet, you big queen! Aah! God, I got a fat gut! Ooh! Thurgood: I see ya, right there. All right, you gonna die on the throne, queenie. [Door opens] Thurgood: Ut! Mrs. Avery: All that kickin', and it wasn't Super's body. Boy, do I feel stupid! Now, should I get out of these clothes? Mrs. Avery: No. I'll have dinner first. Thurgood: Thank you, God. Mrs. Avery: Let's see... What will it be... lamb stew or beef? Thurgood: Lamb? She eatin' pretty good for someone who ain't paid they rent. She should be eating dog food. [Electric can opener whirring] Thurgood: [Gasp] She's eatin' dog food. The poor, poor woman. [Weeping] That's not the way to live. Ain't nobody supposed to have to eat no dog food. Thurgood: What you lookin' at? Roach: [Chitters] Aah! ================================================================================ Thurgood: I had no idea Mrs. Avery was so poor, Muriel, but there she was, with her withered frame hunched over a can of dog food. I mean, sure, she had a shiny coat and pearly white teeth, but at what price, Muriel? At what price? I tell you as superintendent of this building, I got to do something. Muriel: I think it's wonderful you want to help a person in need, but Mrs. Avery's a very proud woman. Thurgood: Even proud people gotta eat. It's high time somebody around here brought her some real food instead of that garbage she's been eating. Ah, here we go-- hog maws, turkey necks, chicken gizzards, pig's feet... Muriel, we got any gristle? Thurgood: Mrs. Avery! Open up! Mrs. Avery: What's that putrid smell? Thurgood: It's the food I brought you. Mrs. Avery: Food don't wear old spice. Thurgood: Ah, heh, yeah, yeah. I stink. All right. Listen, this tray is gettin' mighty heavy with all this delicious human-- um, I mean, homemade food I got on it. Mrs. Avery: This ain't charity, is it? 'Cause I don't take charity from nobody. Thurgood: No, it's not charity. It come over from the...Welfare office. Mrs. Avery: Welfare office? What are you doing touching my food?! Thurgood: You're wel-- well, uh, charity is its own reward. Mrs. Avery: What's this? Thurgood: Uh, Medicare sent you this gift basket because you such a valued customer. Mrs. Avery: Hmph! Thurgood: [Gasp] Look what we got here, Miss Avery. Stool softener, denture cream, witch hazel, wart dissolver... Mrs. Avery: You had me at stool softener. Thurgood: [Humming] Mrs. Avery, I've got something for you. Mrs. Avery: Better stop singing or I'll pump you full o' lead. What is it?! Thurgood: I got you a book on tape! It's called Cooking With Maya Angelou. Recording: Chapter one: "Homemade bread." [Dramatically] Use 2 cakes of yeast... to a cup of water, add flour, put it in the oven, and one hour later... I rise! Thurgood: Side "b" is I Know Why the Roasted Bird Singes. Enjoy. Mrs. Avery: Hmph! Thurgood: Well, I, uh... guess I better be going. Mrs. Avery: Did I ever tell you you remind me of a man I used to grift with? Thurgood: Say what now? Mrs. Avery: Went by the name of Big Wally Bicks. Wasn't much to look at or talk with or be with... Thurgood: But? Mrs. Avery: Nothin'. Anyway, one time, we were working our con up and down the santa fe line... ...that's when I felt little Darrell growin' inside me. I knew the father had to be Paul Robeson or an illiterate young wildcatter I met in Odessa. Neither one returned my letters. Then, in 1941-- Thurgood: You know, this been a very entertaining... uh, 3 hours, 40 minutes, and 22 seconds, but I really do have to go, Miss Avery. Mrs. Avery: You know, it's nice to have people to talk to. Ooh, where's my manners? How about some swedish meatballs? Thurgood: You got swedish meatballs? Mrs. Avery: Yeah. It'll just take a minute. [Electric can opener whirring] Thurgood: Ut! Thurgood: What a day. I feel great! Muriel, you just don't know how good it feels to do something good for somebody. Muriel: Dinner's ready. I made your favorite tonight. Thurgood: Again?! Muriel: Well, I'm very proud of you. You're such a good person. Thurgood: Well, you know, you can't spell "Thurgood" without "good." Can you? Anyway, I got a plan to help Mrs. Avery that's my best idea yet. Muriel: Thurgood, haven't you done enough for her? Thurgood: No, no. You don't understand, Muriel. Mrs. Avery, she's... well, the ole bitty is like a... like a toilet, clogged up with stubborn pride and backed up with paper towels of spite. But what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna break through all that with my plunger of Christian love. God, I hope this warm feelin' lasts 2,000 flushes. Muriel: Thurgood, you don't want to overstep your bounds. Thurgood: Muriel, there are no bounds when it comes to charity. [Telephone rings] Muriel: Hello. It's the church calling about the canned food drive. Thurgood: Hell, no! We're not here. Mm-mmm! Thurgood: [Clears throat noisily] I called this meeting here today because one of us is living in poverty and despair. Bebe: Ha ha! One of us?! Thurgood: I know, I know. I was just as shocked as you are. Haiti Lady: Well, who is it? I'm a voodoo priestess, not a mind reader. Thurgood: Now, now. I cannot betray Mrs. Avery's trust. This poor woman needs her dignity and privacy. Jimmy: Oh, so it's a woman. Thurgood: Well, you're gettin' warm. Just one more clue-- she's "a very" old woman... a very old woman. Sanchez: I wish Mrs. Avery was here. She's good at these games. Juicy: Just tell us, Super. Thurgood: All right. It's Mrs. Avery. All: Ohh! Thurgood: I know, I know... but listen. I think it is our responsibility to help her out, so I've decided, as the superintendent of this buildin', that we are going to have a rent party. Jimmy: Rent party? What for? Thurgood: Because she's poor. Jimmy: Who isn't poor? Thurgood: The woman's desperate. Jimmy: Who isn't desperate? Thurgood: She eats dog food. Jimmy: Who doesn't eat dog? Thurgood: Dog food! Jimmy: Uggh! That's disgusting! I thought that was just an old people stereotype. Thurgood: No, it's true. So spread the word about the rent party. Keep it on the D.L. And, people, please... dress to impress. Sanchez: Freakazoids... report to the dance floor. [Music playing] Tarnell: Ain't no party like the projects party 'cause the projects party don't stop. [Knock on door] Thurgood: Walter. Walter: Hey, Thurgood. Thanks for inviting me to this bachelor party. I got a right pocket full of singles and a left pocket full of Walter. Thurgood: Hey, Walter, this is a rent party. Walter: We don't have to rent movies. Check out this pen. See her bikini? Well, now you don't. Heh heh heh heh. Thurgood: Gimme that thing! Everybody, quiet down, quiet down! I think I hear Mrs. Avery comin'. Mrs. Avery: I'm here for the rent party. Now, who's spongin' off the rest of us? I bet it's that immigrant Sanchez. Sanchez: Hey! Mrs. Avery: [Sweetly] Oh, hi, Sanchez. Cómo esta? Thurgood: Hey, everybody, it's the guest of honor! Come on! Give it up for Mrs. Avery! All: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Mrs. Avery: You mean you all came together to raise this money for me? Who's idea was this? Thurgood: [Clears throat noisily] That would be me, thank you very much. Mrs. Avery: I... Thurgood: hey! Mrs. Avery: Told you... Thurgood: ohh! Mrs. Avery: I don't... Thurgood: ohh! Mrs. Avery: Like... Thurgood: uhh! Mrs. Avery: Charity! Muriel: Thurgood, she said she doesn't like charity. Thurgood: Ohh! Muriel: Thurgood, she's hitting you! Thurgood: Uhh! Mrs. Avery: What made you think I would need your charity? Thurgood: Come on, Mrs. Avery, don't deny it. I saw you eatin' dog food with my own eyes! Thurgood: So what? I saw you lickin' a pretzel you found in a dumpster! Smokey: So it was you! Thurgood: Look. Can we please all focus on Mrs. Avery's shameful poverty? Mrs. Avery: I don't eat dog food 'cause I'm poor. I eat it 'cause I won a lifetime supply. Thurgood: How'd you win that? Mrs. Avery: I was eatin' dog poop, stupid. Thurgood: Now, there's no need to get nasty, Mrs. Avery. Just take the money. Mrs. Avery: No. Thurgood: I said, take this money! Mrs. Avery: No! Thurgood: Take it! Mrs. Avery: No! Muriel: Thurgood, she doesn't want the money. Thurgood: She does want it! She's just too proud and stubborn to admit it! I told you, we love you! Now, take this money, you old bat! Mrs. Avery: And I told you, I don't need help from nobody. Aaahhhh! [Crash] Mrs. Avery: Somebody... help me! Muriel: Thurgood, go help her. Thurgood: You heard her, Muriel. She's a proud woman. We gotta let her have her dignity. Oh. Well... maybe I'll just take the skirt off her face. ================================================================================ Thurgood: I feel terrible that you broke your hip, Mrs. Avery, and I just want to say again that I'm sorry and that I feel your pain. Mrs. Avery: Does it feel like this? Thurgood: Aah! I'll kick... kick your old... ok, time to go, Mrs. Avery. Here's a bus schedule. And we'll see you back at the projects. Mrs. Avery: Now, you just wait. You wanted to help so much? Well, now you get your chance. You gonna wait on me on your hands and ashy knees. Thurgood: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell happened to the Mrs. Avery who didn't want no charity? Mrs. Avery: She died in that elevator shaft what you threw her down in. Now, start pushin', or I'll take you to Judge Judy. Thurgood: What?! Are you sayin' you'd sue me?! Mrs. Avery: I'd kill ya...but I'm just the kind of tasty dish they like in jail. Thurgood: [Grumbling] Mrs. Avery: Hurry up! I ain't got all day! Thurgood: Uhh! Mrs. Avery: Wait! Stop! I forgot my grocery list. Thurgood: [Grumbles] Unh! Unh... uhhh...uhh... uhh! Uhh! Unh! Uhhh. Mrs. Avery: Oh, wait. Here it is. It was in my hand. Thurgood: Ohhh...like to throw some lye on you. Mrs. Avery: Hold up! I forgot my coupons! Thurgood: Tell you what-- you stay here, and I'll go get 'em. Mrs. Avery: Don't be stupid. You don't know my system. Thurgood: Ohhh... Mrs. Avery: Oh, here they are. They were in my other hand. That's my system. Heh heh heh! Thurgood: Uh, heh heh heh! This isn't aggravatin' at all. Mrs. Avery: Slow down, Super! You tryin' to break my other hip? Thurgood: Uh, uh, yes, Mrs. Avery. I--I mean, no, Mrs. Avery. Mrs. Avery: And put on that cap I gave you. Thurgood: Yes, Mrs. Avery. Mrs. Avery: Now that's more dignified. Thurgood: Yes, Mrs. Avery. Uh...I got to stop, uh, and make water. Mrs. Avery: Why you got to stop? I didn't. Thurgood: Ohhh... Muriel: Thurgood? You awake? Thurgood: Yes, Mrs. Avery. Uhh! I mean, uh... [Grumbles] Muriel: Goody, what's wrong? Thurgood: That Mrs. Avery. I tell you, Muriel, she gonna be the death of me. Muriel: You know that's not true. The doctor said hypertension would be the death of you. Thurgood: Muriel, your cheering me up is not gonna work this time. What am I supposed to do, take care of Mrs. Avery for the rest of her life? I tell you, I got better things to do for the next 3 months. Muriel: Thurgood, you just need to take care of her till she gets better. It's your duty. Thurgood: Well, my duty stinks! Mrs. Avery: Really? Why would he do that? Oh, wait. I can't talk right now. The help is here. I think he's been stealin' things. I'm missin' a can of peaches. Thurgood: Hey, Mrs. Avery, I didn't steal no peaches. Mrs. Avery: I'm on the phone! Mrs. Avery: [Sweetly] I'll call you back. Bye, Muriel. Thurgood: All right, what part of my soul would you like to chip away today, my pride, my dignity, or my self-respect? Mrs. Avery: Mmm, I'll take dignity for two hours. But first I need you to do some filin' for me. Thurgood: Finally! Some paperwork. That's gonna be a welcome change. Mrs. Avery: Paperwork? I'm talkin' about filin' these calluses off my feet. Thurgood: Wahhh! This is where Thurgood Orenthal Stubbs draws the line! I'm not touchin' those so-called, uh...mmm... feet! Mrs. Avery: Fine! Lawsuit yourself. Thurgood: Ok. Where's the ointment? Thurgood: Where's the lime-away?! Muriel: Comin'! Thurgood: I still feel dirty! [Grumbling] Is this the price for helpin' someone? Muriel: No. This is. It's Mrs. Avery's doctor bill. Thurgood: Ohhh! Not even Hell goes on forever. Will you look at this? $4! $4?! 4--$4? "Minor adjustment of healthy, unbroken hip." Thurgood: Aha! So her hip was never broken in the first place! She con-- she con-- she--chaka con-- she chaka conned me! Muriel: I feel for you. I feel for you. Thurgood: That's it, Muriel. I'll throttle her. Always draggin' me up there to listen to her boring stories. Do you know how many boring stories a woman of 182 has? One! Over and over and over! Muriel: Wait. Thurgood, can't you see what's really goin' on? Thurgood: Probably not. Muriel: Mrs. Avery just wanted companionship, but she was too proud to admit it. Thurgood: What're you talkin' about? Muriel: Thurgood, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want you around because she needs your help. She wants you around because she's lonely. Thurgood: I guess so, but why me? I hate Mrs. Avery, and she knows that. Muriel: And she hates you. Two negatives make a positive. Thurgood: Don't be ridiculous. Two negatives do not make a positive. Don't be ignorant, Muriel, please. Muriel: Thurgood, all I'm sayin' is Mrs. Avery needs a friend. Thurgood: Well, I guess I could find her a companion. Maybe I can dig one up in a graveyard somewhere. [Music playing] Thurgood: Psst! Hey. Tarnell. Tarnell: Whassup, Supe? Sip, Supe? Thurgood: No. I need somethin'. Tarnell: Tell Tarnell. Thurgood: I need you to help find me a male companion. Tarnell: Whoa, whoa. Don't ask, don't tell Tarnell. Thurgood: No, no, no, no. It ain't for me. It's for the cranky old yapper that lives in my buildin'. Tarnell: Don't worry. I got the whole picture. Tarnell knows just what you need. Thurgood: I want you to find her someone with good home trainin'. Tarnell: You know I got the hookup. I ain't gonna let you down. Thurgood: Somebody loyal. Be her best friend. Tarnell: Back in 2 and 2, if that's cool wit' you. [Dog barking] [Arf arf] Tarnell: This is what you wanted, right? Thurgood: No, this is not what I wanted. Tarnell: You specifically said, "get me a dog." Thurgood: Tarnell, what the hell am I supposed to do with this mangy old dog? I needed a companion for an old woman, a mangy old... wait a minute! They're made for each other! Tarnell: Uh, that dog's not housebroken. Thurgood: It just gets better and better! Thurgood: Uh, Mrs. Avery! I'm here to give you your... sponge bath. [Yip yip] Thurgood: Calm down, boy. I'm just bluffin'. Mrs. Avery: Come on in! The door's open, and I'm all prepped! Thurgood: All right, boy, you're on. Hope you had your shots. [Dog yips] Mrs. Avery: What the-- you mangy mutt! I'll teach you to come into people's-- [Gunshot] [Yip] Mrs. Avery: Oh, my god! What have I done?! [Yip] Mrs. Avery: Oh, I missed. I guess I'll call you "Lucky." Wait. Let's see. [Gunshots] [Woof] Mrs. Avery: Yep, "Lucky" it is! Come give mama some sugar. [Slurping] Thurgood: Ah. There's that old, warm feelin' again... workin' its way up my left arm and radiatin' into my chest. Hurrhh! Urrhh! Uhhh! That's not a good pain. [Panting] Mrs. Avery: Did I tell you about my days as a grifter? It was me and big Wally Bicks. You know, you look somethin' like Bicks. ================================================================================ ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler and Tino Persico (Datoupee) 2002 ================================================================================