-- T h e P J s -- Title: A Hero Ain't Nothing But a Super Season 1, episode 7 Aired: Tuesday, Feb. 16, 1999 ================================================================================ Summary: Thurgood takes credits when Muriel catches a burgler in the projects. ================================================================================ Theme Song: Once upon a time in the projects... PJs, Projects, Low-rent high-rise, y'all. PJs oh, yeah. Projects, Livin' in the PJs, Holdin' down a cardboard condo, Homeboy in a homemade bungalow, In the middle at the end of a dead-end one-way street. Ya ya ya ya, ya ya ya Livin' in the PJs, Ohhhhh, PJs. ================================================================================ Thurgood: [Humming] Yeah yeah, yeah there. [Straining] [Straining] Uh! Mm-mmm! [Sniff sniff] Muriel, I think the mayonnaise has gone bad. Muriel: Thurgood, you know what that does to your digestion. Thurgood: There's nothin' wrong with my digestion. [Gurgling] Thurgood: Uh-oh. Code blue. [Bam] Muriel: See? I warned you, Goody. Thurgood: That wasn't me. That was just a gunshot. [Bam] Thurgood: All right. That was me. [Bam bam] Muriel: Thurgood! Those gunshots came from inside the building. Oh, I think you should check it out. Thurgood: Muriel, you don't exactly walk away from a code blue, you know. Sanchez: Did you hear gunshots? Bebe: It sounds like it came from the old avery place. Calvin: Look! There's a trail of blood! Juicy: Just because I'm eatin' a hot dog at midnight doesn't mean I have a problem. Stop lookin' at me! Thurgood: All right. What's goin' on here? Juicy: I'm eatin' a hot dog. All right? Y'all be trippin'. Muriel: Well, did anyone go in and check to see if miss Avery's ok? Bebe: Uh-uh. I ain't gonna be DOA in my DKNY. Jimmy: Ok. Haiti Lady: You're the super. The building is your responsibility. Thurgood: Yeah. Heavy is the hand that holds the plunger. Thurgood: All right. I got this plunger, and I ain't afraid to use it, neither. Haiti Lady: Well, when ya gonna fix my toilet? Thurgood: Shut up! Thurgood: [Sniff] Ugh! Smell like death in here. Mm, everything normal so far. Thurgood: Mrs. Avery. Mrs.Very, you ok? Mrs. Avery: [Whimpering] Thurgood: Mrs. Avery? Ah! Oh, my goodness. Mrs. Avery: Somebody hold me. Thurgood: Aah! Ooh! Muriel: Thurgood, get her some water. Mrs. Avery: Make it an old fashioned. Crush the cherry. Muriel: Mrs. Avery, what happened? Was it a burglar? Jimmy: Please say it wasn't a brother. Mrs. Avery: Well, I was sleepin'--in the nude like usual-- when the burglar came in. He lucky I didn't have my teeth in. I would've thrown a grenade at him. Thurgood: Well, if he saw you nude, he been punished enough. Trust me. Muriel: Thurgood, this is terrible-- burglars right in our own homes. We can't live like this. Jimmy: Yeah. Everybody will move away. It'll be black flight. Thurgood: Black flight? Where the hell we gonna go? Hey. We'd better do somethin'. Thurgood: Now, it's very clear that we're gonna have to protect ourselves. Now, I was thinkin' we should form one of those groups where neighbors watch out for each other. What's that they call them things anyway, Muriel? Muriel: Neighborhood Watch? Thurgood: No, that ain't it. I know. It's called Projects Watch Out. Nice try, Muriel. Calvin: Why don't we just call the police? Hah! I gotcha. [Everyone laughs] Thurgood: Yeah. That's a good one, Calvin. Listen, we all know thee single biggest criminal threat to the community is what? Gangs, right? Haiti Lady: Yeah. All: Uh-huh. Mrs. Avery: I hate those gangs. Thurgood: Ah. Now we gotta send a message to those gangs that tells them that we ain't gonna tolerate none of their ways around here. Haiti Lady: Maybe we should band together in a tight group to protect our turf. Thurgood: Now you're talkin'. Jimmy: Yeah. And we could wear distinctive colors to identify ourselves. Thurgood: Ah. You took the words right outta my mouth, Jimmy. Mrs. Avery: I say you've to be jumped to get in. Thurgood: Yeah. Of course. No punks allowed. That's a given. Know what I'm sayin'? Get real. All: Yeah! Thurgood: Hey, Muriel, look at that. That's McGnaw the Crime Rat. What that say? "Hey kids, crimefighting is a disease. Spread it." That's deep. HUD Woman: Next! Thurgood: Yes. We're lookin' to start a Projects Watch. HUD Woman: Whatch this. Next! Thurgood: [Muttering] Muriel: Thurgood, let me handle this. You get more flies with honey. Muriel: I understand congratulations are in order concerning your son Chevron. HUD Woman: Oh, yes. The baby ain't his. Muriel: Oh, my. That's wonderful. HUD Woman: Yes! God has blessed us. So, what can I do for you? Muriel: She's all yours, Thurgood. Thurgood: Uh, yeah, well, we wanna start a Neighborhood Watch. HUD Woman: Why didn't you say so? This is all you need. Thurgood: All we get is a sign? HUD Woman: You want another? Next! Thurgood: Welcome to the first meeting of the Hilton Jacobs Projects Watch Out. Now please put your hands together for our favorite parole officer-- the prince of penal, the earl of early release. You know him. You love him. You can't re-enter society without him. Mr. Walter Burkette. Come on, give it up for Walter. [Applause] Walter: First of all, congratulations on deciding to form your own militia. Now you need to establish a code word, one that won't draw any attention at all. Calvin: How about "help"? No one ever comes when you say that. Walter: You're a smart young man. You're gonna be hard to outwit when you turn bad. Walter: Ok, Thurgood, they're all yours. Thurgood: Jimmy, suck in that gut. Avery, suck in that hump. Juicy, chins up. Ok. We are a lean, mean crime-fighting machine. Now, who are we? All: Hilton Jacobs! Thurgood: And what do we like? All: We like watch! Thurgood: What do we hate? Mrs. Avery: Super's guts. Thurgood: No crime. We hate crime. All: Crime! Yeah yeah! Thurgood: We already dead. Thurgood: Good. Locked up tight. Huh. Who goes there? Smokey: Not me. I went behind the dumpster like a gentleman. Thurgood: Would you get the hell outta here? We tryin' to have a Projects Watch. Smokey: I got every watch in the projects right here. Thurgood: I ain't got no time for your stolen goods. I gotta watch out for crime. Now git. Thurgood: Who am I? Hilton Jacobs. What do I like? Like to watch. What do I hate? I hate to watch. This is boring. Thurgood: Hey, look at the moon. It looks so close. Now it's far. Now it's close. Now it's far. Close. Far. Close. Far. Close. Far. Ooh. That guy looks pretty sneaky. Good thing he in another neighborhood, not this one. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, are you done patrolling so soon? Thug: [Mumbling] Muriel: Well, if you're looking for your paycheck, I cashed it and put the money on the dresser in small bills. Muriel: Thurgood you must be hungry. You want a light snack? I'll deep-fry you some hog maws. Thurgood? [Motor whirs] Muriel: That's funny. Thurgood never turns on the fan. Oh, my God. Radio: [Hushed] Thurgood, come in. Thurgood: Big moon. Little moon. Radio: Thurgood. Thurgood: Big moon. Little moon. Radio: Help. Thurgood: Big moon. Little moon. Radio: I repeat-- Thurgood: Little moon. Big moon. Radio: Help! [Static] Muriel: Aw! Ok, since you're Thurgood, I'm going out to the store to get some Louisiana's, because I know you, Thurgood, like hot sauce. Ok? I'm leaving the apartment now. Thug: Oh, yeah. Muriel: I don't have pepper spray, but I hope this will do. Thug: My eyes! Muriel: You think I'm just gonna give you our fine crystal? Think again! Muriel: I'm not through with you yet. Thug: Lady, please. Muriel: Oh, no, you don't! Thug: Ooh! Muriel: Whoo! Jesus, forgive me for what I'm about to do! [Sizzle] Thug: Help! Thurgood: Ain't that cute? Some couple a few blocks away having a fight. Wait. It's Muriel. [Sniff sniff] And she's cooking pork. Thurgood: Hold on, baby! I'm comin'! Muriel: That's it, Thurgood. You hold him down. I'll call the police. Thurgood: [Mumbling] Tree in my face. Mrs. Avery: That's the crook who broke into my apartment. Now how do you like having a big fat, filthy man on top of you? Super's a hero! Muriel: Well, actually, it was me who-- Jimmy: Who are we? All: Hilton Jacobs! Jimmy: What do we like? All: We like to watch! Thurgood: Uh, who am I? All: A hero! Super's a hero! Thurgood: Yeah. Me hero. Teeth in the tree still. All: Ya hey hey! Yeah! Muriel: Ooh. ================================================================================ Anchorman: Next up on In Your Face, the inspirational story of a local janitor who's cleaning up more than toilets. Thurgood: Muriel, come quick! I'm being exploited by the media. Oh, boy! I haven't used this setting since the riots coverage. [On TV] Thurgood: Look, I seen your show before, and you're not gonna make me cry, you hear me? You are not gonna make me cry. Interviewer: Do you realize you're an inspiration to millions of kids? Thurgood: Oh Lord, yeah, the kiddies. They touch me so. They touch me so. Thurgood: Now, why they gotta make me look like a bi-atch? That ain't no way to treat no hero. Muriel: Uh Thurgood, don't you remember what really happened last night? Thurgood: Muriel, I'm not an idiot. First I knocked myself out on a tree, then I woke up and discovered I kicked some burglar's ass. Why? Muriel: Well, I'm not saying this to burst your bubble, but-- Thurgood: I have a bubble butt? Juicy: Super. We saw you on TV. You're a hero. Calvin: You're a superhero. Can I have your autograph? Thurgood: Ah. Yeah, yeah. Sure, all right. "Stay in school. Thurgood Stubbs." Calvin: Uh, there's no "k" in school. Thurgood: Don't be smart, boy. Juicy: Super, my hero used to be waffles, but now it's you AND waffles. Calvin: Now that you're married to a superhero, you have to keep is identity a secret. Muriel: Don't worry, kids. The identity of the hero is safe with me. Thurgood: [Humming theme from Shaft] I'm the kinda man that beats the hell outta fellow man Stubbs. You're damn right You say this cat Stubbs is a bad mother? Shut your mouth. I'm doin' my Stubbs. Dig it! He's a complicated man that no one understands but Muriel Muriel Stubbs hah! Thurgood: Everything ok in there? Hudson. Hudson: Hey, Super, th-th-they tell me you a hero. That's nice. Thurgood: Hero? Me? I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else. Hudson: Oh. Pants. Oh, those were the days. Ooh ooh ooh. Can I take your picture? Thurgood: Yeah, sure. Take this one. Hudson: You're my hero. Thurgood: This crime stopper's catalog is great. Ooh. Look at this police night stick. That's just like the one that shut me up. Muriel: Don't you think you're taking this hero thing too far? Thurgood: Don't be silly. Hey how many tasers you think we need? Muriel: None. Thurgood: Nine. Great. Nine--that's a good even number. Muriel: Listen, Thurgood, we really have to talk about that night the burglar-- [Beeping] Thurgood: Not now, Muriel. It's my crime-fighting beeper watch. It alerts me whenever there's crime in the projects. You like it? I bought it with the money we were saving for your elective eye surgery. Oh, right. It's probably a little blurry. But trust me, it's a beaut. Thurgood: And so to sum it up. That's when I realized I was better than other people. Sanchez: Wow. Jimmy: It's nice to see a fellow brother get ahead. Don't forget your homey when you put together your posse. Sanchez: Can I be the guy in your posse who laughs at all your stupid jokes? Thurgood: Posse-bly. Sanchez: Ha ha ha. Calvin: Hey super. Tell us again about when you were a king in Africa. Thurgood: Shh shh. Later. Later. Muriel. Boombooyay. Muriel: Thurgood, a package came for you. Thurgood: A package? Maybe it's a mail bomb for me to defuse. Oh. Just a letter. Hey, it's from the Mayor. Muriel, he's inviting me to a banquet. He wants me to be the new McGnaw the Crime Rat. Muriel, look. It's a McGnaw the Crime Rat suit. You know, take a nibble out of crime. I feel so proud. Hey, you know, I think somebody threw up in this head. Muriel: Isn't that nice? Thurgood: You know, Muriel, truth be told, half this suit really belongs to you, you know. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood: Yeah. If it weren't for typical female cowardice, I would never have had to save you and become a hero. Muriel: Save me? For your information, you didn't catch the crook. I sprayed sauce on him, I fried his behind with my hot comb, and I slammed the window down on his head five times. Thurgood: Oh, Muriel, Muriel, Muriel. I'm so surprised that you're trying to horn in on the glory. Well, let me tell you something. Maybe at Sears, you can get credit and I can't, but this ain't Sears. Muriel: Thurgood, I don't want the credit. Thurgood: Really? 'Cause I was willin' to let you have half the rat suit. You were gonna get the butt end. Muriel: I don't give a rat's ass about that rat's ass. Thurgood, I was fine when it was just a couple of little boys looking up to you, but presenting yourself as a hero to the whole city? Oh, that's going too far. Thurgood: Muriel, can we please sort this out after the Mayor's banquet celebrating me? Muriel: I'm not going to that banquet! Thurgood: Muriel, you have to go. Half the jokes in my monologue are about my wife. Take my wife, please. Heh heh heh he oh, that's good. Thurgood: My vision for our city is rats, thousands of crime-fighting rats infestg our schools, our churches-- from our cradles to our graves-- carrying with them the plague of justice. And now to close, I will ceremoniously cut the cheese. [Applause] Man: Mr. Stubbs, I understand that you're testifying tomorrow against the burglar you caught. Are you afraid? Thurgood: Fear is just one of the many words I don't know the meaning of. Next question. Come on, I'm happy to answer anything. Woman: Where's your wife? Thurgood: Interview over. Thurgood: [Humming Shaft theme] Thug: Hey, ain't you the dude who caught that burglar? Thurgood: It's "aren't," and, yes, I be him. Thug: Good, 'cause I'm his brother. Thurgood: Ut! Hey, uh... we all brothers, ain't we? Heh heh heh. Right? Wow. You got a deep barrel on that thing. ================================================================================ Thug: All right. Check it out, raman. My brother goes on trial tomorrow. And since you're the only one who can testify against him, guess what gonna happen to you. Thurgood: Look, if you expect me to talk, then you're sorely mistaken, because Thurgood Stubbs will not talk. Thug: Exactly. That's my plan. You ain't gonna rat. Thurgood: Me rat? Why would I rat? Do I look like a rat? I don't see any rats. Thug: Ha ha. You a funny man, ain't you? Yeah, you was real funny throwin' that hot sauce in my brother's eyes and burnin' him with that hot comb. Yeah. You got the same sense of humor as my daddy. Thurgood: Hot sauce? Hot comb? Hot damn. Muriel was right. Thug: Muriel? Who's Muriel? Thurgood: Uh.Nobody. Just a name I made up. I don't even know nobody named Muriel. [Knock on door] Muriel: Thurgood, are you in there? It's me Muriel. Thurgood: Ut! Muriel: Oh, hello. I didn't know Thurgood had company. I hope my husband hasn't been boring you with stories about what a great hero he is. Thurgood: That's right. I'm the hero. I did it all by myself. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, give it up. I was the one who captured that criminal. Thurgood: Don't listen to her. She had nothing to do with it. Muriel: I bet Thurgood couldn't even pick him out of a lineup. I could, and I will. Thug: Oh, no, you won't. [Click] Muriel: Uh-oh. Muriel: Well, I hope you're happy. If it hadn't been for your big ego, we wouldn't be in this mess. Thurgood: Well, if it wasn't for your big behind, you wouldn't be smashing my Jett mazines. Muriel: I thought I told you to throw those magazines out. Thurgood: I did. I only saved the booties of the week. Muriel: That's the part I wanted you to throw out. Thug: Shut up! Muriel: Well, you're the hero. What are we gonna do now? Thurgood: Well, it so happens that I have a plan. You see that ax overhere? Muriel: Yes. Thurgood: I want it. Muriel: Maybe we can call for help through the vent. Thurgood: Are you outta your mind, Muriel? No one's gonna hear us through that thing. Juicy: Super, is that you? Thurgood: Juicy. Me and Muriel are being held hostage in the boiler room. Get help. Go, boy go. Thug: Hey, I thought I told you to shut up, rat man. Juicy: Don't worry super. I'm going to get some help right now! Mama Hudson: Juicy pizza's here! Juicy: Coming! Thurgood: Ohh. Muriel: He is a growing boy, you know. [Beeping] Thug: Oops. Oh, it's my parole officer. Don't wanna wind up back in jail. Now y'all don't move. Thurgood: Aw, we were going to get up and ham bone. Thug: Shut up! Muriel: Thurgood. More flies with honey. Thurgood: Hey, don't tell me that poem no more, baby. I'm gettin' sick of it. Muriel: Thurgood, we've got to get out of here. Thurgood: I know, I know. Hey, wait a minute. I hear something. [Humming] Tarnell: Hey, whazup, supe? Hello, mrs. Stubbs. Muriel: Oh, hello, Tarnellson. Tarnell: Uh, it's Tarnell when we not in church. Thurgood: Look, Tarnel, we in trouble. A dangerous crimal has tied us up. Go call the police. Tarnell: Tell Tarnell. Thurgood: I just did. Now go get the police. Tarnell: Supe's a hero, superhero Thurgood: Will you shut up and go get the police, please? Tarnell: Hero sandwich. Hero-shima. Muriel: Sometimes he gets like this in bible study. Tarnell: Hezekiah, Jebediah... Muriel: Oh, we lost him. Thurgood: Tarnell, please, just go get help. Muriel: Thurgood, I'm scared. Thurgood: Don't worry, Muriel. Tarnell always comes through in the clutch. Tarnell: This is what you wanted, right? Smokey: Hello, Super's wife, giant rat. Yaah! Thurgood: No. It's just me the super in a McGnaw suit. Smokey: Last time I wore a rat suit, I threw up in the head. Tarnell: Chuck, Chuck E Cheese toss your Mickey Ds, Mickey Mouse. Smokey: Now I remember you. You're the guy that used to live in my head. Thurgood: Grrr! Will you two just git! Thurgood: Well, I guess if help ain't come by now, it ain't comin'. Before it's too late, I want you to know I love you, Muriel. I'm sorry wasn't a hero. Muriel: Thurgood, you are a hero. You were a hero the minute you decided to stand up and protect the community. Thurgood: And I was hero for Halloween. Muriel: See, that's using your Spidey sense. In fact, the only time you weren't a hero was when you said you were. Thurgood: Well, I'm gonna make up for it right now. I got a plan. On the count of three, hop left 1, 2, 3! Ok, Thurgood, that was ignorant. All right. I know, hop right. Muriel: Uh, Thurgood... Thurgood: hey, hey, hey! Uhh! Thurgood: Muriel, it's killing me that we gonna die and I'm never gonna see your eyes do that little sparkle dance again. Muriel: My eyes do a sparkle dance? Thurgood: Yeah, that little lazy one on the left does. It sparkles and shines. That's the only way I know there's still life in it. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood. Thurgood. He's coming back. Do something. Thurgood: What do I do? What do I do? Come on, Thurgood, think like a rat. I got it. I'll gnaw through my own arm. Muriel: Thurgood, your bridge. Thurgood: It worked. I'm free. Don't worry, Muriel I'll get you outta here. Muriel: Your hands, Thurgood. Use your hands! Thurgood: There. Muriel: Oh, Thurgood, you did it. Thurgood: Oh, Muriel, my love. [Click] Thurgood: Ut! Muriel: Ah! Thug: That's it. I ain't waitin' for my brother. Thurgood: Oh! Why did we waste our time kissin'? I tell ya, if I live to be 60, I'll never do that again. Wait! Thug: What do you think you're doin'? Thurgood: I'm whipping some tail! Thug: Arrgh! Thurgood: And you told me my drinkin' would be the death of me. Muriel: Thurgood, he's still moving. Thurgood: If you think you're cashin' in my empties, you got another thing comin'! Quick. My Jett booties. Thug: Heey! Muriel: Goody, you did it! Thurgood: No, Muriel, it wasn't me. It was booty that killed the beast. Calvin: Super, you're a hero again. How'd you catch him this time? Thurgood: No, no. I can't take credit for this one. Someone else deserves the undeseed worship. Juicy: You mean it wasn't you? Thurgood: No, I can't say it was, but let me put it like this. You all know what's behind every strong black man. Calvin: A slower white athlete? Thurgood: No, no. Rasta Man: I know. A curious white girl? Thurgood: No, no. What's behind a strong black man? Bebe: A Korean grocier yelling, "Come back wit that apple"? Jimmy: Good one, baby. Walter: Well, I know what's behind this strong black man - a long line of satisfied ladies. Hee hee! Thurgood: Oh. Muriel, I'm sorry. I was tryin' to give you the credit. Muriel: Don't worry, Goody. I know what's behind every strong black man. Muriel: Ooh! I got one! I got one! Don King taking 90%. [Laughter] ================================================================================ ================================================================================ Transcript based on Closed Captions, formatted and edited by Darryl Hirschler 2005 ================================================================================